Not Quite Ready Made.

July 29th, 2010

I’ve been getting issues of Ready Made at the estate. For those of you who don’t know, Ready Made is kind of like Esty on paper, but with instructions. For example: You wanna know how to make a flowerpot out of old electrical outlet covers? Don’t fret, it’s in the latest issue.

I can admit I’ve been flipping through it as I devour my typical breakfast of yogurt, kefir and some internet smut. It’s above Real Simple as far as respectability as a publication, but still not my thing. Ready Made is buying thrift store jeans, while Real Simple is paying $250 for distressed denims.

Being a print publication, they know their days are numbered so they are really, really pushing their Facebook site. You can become a fan, get great ideas for arts and crafts projects around your house, and even suggest a few nifty projects you’ve completed.

Of course, I read this and was instantly thinking “I make nifty shit out of left-over crap all the time. Remember the time I made a Tesla Coil and some cut-off shorts from a Tesla Coil and a pair of full-length pants? Fuck. I should be all over this.”

But, we all know print is dead and Prince has decided the internet is just a fad, so I’m going just throw out these ideas I’ve got laying around. Besides, Ready Made already rejected them. Some of them I’ve completed and some are still just plans.

  • Hang a lawn chair from the ceiling using old inner tubes from your bike. Add booze and friend for just about the most fun ever.
  • Use a couple pieces of bread and some cheese to make your own cheese sandwich. For extra fun put the sandwich in a pan with just a touch of olive oil to make a GRILLED CHEESE.
  • Rather than sitting for your own portrait, style yourself after someone famous and simply buy their portrait. Abe Lincoln, John Kennedy, and Kramer seem to be the most readily available.
  • Use cigarettes to create bad breath and probably some cancer.
  • Mix-up sour cream, a packet of taco seasoning and zero creativity for a quick, easy and absolutely shitty snack to bring to any event.
  • Create your own angry neighbors by pumping either Mac Dre of The Mars Volta all damn day.
  • Pull your shirt up for a cheap and effective gas mask.
  • Skin lamp.
  • Make your own popsicles with used 8 oz. yogurt containers and some popsicle sticks. Make your own pipe out of dented Coors Light can and a safety pin.
  • Collect a bunch of hackory arts-and-crafts projects, add some urbanite models, Use the Eames font and put out a magazine of your own.

Let me know how these work out, and remember—HAVE FUN!

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Snowman Cometh…

July 28th, 2010

Ellipsis. Suck it old boss. This is bloggerism and your Religious fanatacism has no sway here. Imma ellipsis in blogs for ever. IRL, I just SMH.

While Yobeat is over there hyping up the latest vids to be released (I warned you in the spring, it’s all cutting room floor crap), Imma gonna keep you on top of shit right here. You can officially quit glimpsing split second clips of Burton decks and Capita’s creepshow army, and gawk longingly—it’s catalogue time, MFers

So get with it, 2011 shrad is on the way. Case in point, I picked this beast up at MODA3 today. You could also read that as MODA3 2day, or MODA-Kevin McHale-day. Brand standards just went right out the window with that one. Anyway I grabbed the 2011 Burton Catalogue:

I have placed it here next to a quarter and a rumorator.com business card, for scale. First thing you’ll notice is that it’s much bigger than last year’s bible concept (assuming you can remember that far back). But oddly enough I think the weight is roughly  the same. Lighte-weight paper stock, no embossed cover and fuck those foiled edges.  It’s nice to see that after dropping about $5/catalogue last year, running short on them , and raising a ton of speculation as to why the board prices went up, Big B opted to go for something a lot less conceptual. The irony of it is I think it’s a lot better catalog, in that there aren’t themes fighting throughout, like last year, and only the premium lines are differentiated. That damn bible had a new theme every seven pages.

So lets flip it open.

Oh look, Mason Aguirre isn’t mentioned anywhere. I guess he’s cut this year. Nico gets mentioned but doesn’t get pics. Nike doesn’t own Burton, but they are kind of owning them.

The price on Jeremy Jones board dropped by about $100, or as I like to think of it $10 less dollars that is going to some lunatic pack of MOMOs. And of course he has got some motorcycle/americana motif happening. FUCK BURTON, HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE A SHITTY MOTOCYCLE THEMED BOARD BEFORE YOU REALIZE IT’S OVER? Remember when Ride was making those motocross themed KH series or whatever they were. Well, they learned their lesson.

T-minus four years until he dumps a broad’s body in the desert and they track it back to him because of the bandana.  The Gatoring continues. Brought to you by Target.

Oh look it’s the “B by” line. Great. I hope a lot of lades love this line. But most women don’t bother to try and look like girls whilst getting the shrad. So this is really made to appeal to the guys who buy their ladies new clothes. And if that is the case I’m going to make the entire “B by” line more appealing with one, masterful cut and paste.

You see what happened there?

Okay now lets move on. The women’s outerwear line has three vest options. The guys? Nada. WTF Bigga B? All I want is a vest like the AK ones you used to make. Can we make that shit happen?

Also The Nug. Fuck that. It’s called The Lunch Tray, and Morrow made it in 1992-ish.

Lastly the women’s Lipstick.

I think they forgot to highlight “Inspired by Capita” in the features. Right next to Infinite Ride, Bro.

Speaking of Capita: Click it!

And know you might be saying to yourself, “Oh but Rumorator that shit is kind of blurry.” Doesn’t matter broder. They got a zoom  and all you really need to look at is right here:

Oh yeah, I almost forgot to prop up this closer from the Burton Catalogue:

Buy local, because we would hate to see people in your community lose their jobs. Besides we outsource enough for everyone. FACT: Not one item in the new B catalog is produced in the US.

BUY LOCAL SUCKERS!

In closing, you might want to watch the latest Knife Show video if you haven’t seen it.

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Posted in Advertising, snowboardering | 5 Comments »

Trivia Recap

July 27th, 2010

Damn good showing last night. Thanks to everyone who came out. All 60+ of you.
Here’s the run down.

Famous Nicknames
1. Who was known as Old’ Blue Eyes?
2. Who was known as “the Velvet Fog?”
3. Who was known as “Sweetness?”
4. What famous musician was born David Howell Evans?
5. What was Rudolf Walter Wanderone, Jr. better known as?

Booze
6. What is the official spirit of the United States?
7. How does a Gibson differ from a traditional martini?
8. Kirschwasser, a traditional German brandy, is made from what fruit?
9. What multi-purpose kitchen staple is a byproduct of winemaking, found on the inside of casks used to age wine and occasionally on the underside of the cork?
10. Which two US states did not ratify the 18th Amendment to the Constitution, which established prohibition?

Cheese
11. What is the most popular cheese in the world?
12. In traditional cheese making, what enzyme is added to raw milk to begin the curding process?
13. Prosciutto di Parma traditionally comes from hogs fed the whey left over from the production of what cheese?
14. Comte and Beauford are French varieties of what Swiss cheese?
15. Explorateur, a French, triple-creme brie was produced in the 1950s to celebrate what event?

Current Events
16. Name the three most prominent candidates for Wisconsin’s upcoming gubernatorial election.
17. What Brewers pitcher was credited with a win on July 19th, his first since May 7, 2007?
18. The United Nations International Court of Justice in The Hague recently ruled that the what country’s 2008 declaration of independence was legal?
19. Venezuela recently severed diplomatic ties with Colombia over disputes concerning the location of camps of what Colombian rebel group?
20. What brewery recently released “The End of History,” a 110-proof beer whose bottles are packaged in the skins of dead animals?

Cars
21. Visual
22. What license plate was on the 1959 Chevrolet Miller-Meteor ambulance driven by The Ghostbusters?
23. In March 2008 the Ford Motor Company sold Jaguar and Land Rover to what Asian motor company?
24. What make and model of car was James Dean driving when he had his fatal accident?
25. Name the 2 crash test dummies popularized in 1980s PSAs produced by the NHSA?

Academy Awards Winners
26. Kathryn Bigelow became the first woman to win the award for Best Director for her work on what film?
27. Cabaret holds the record for most awards won by a movie without winning Best Picture with eight in 1972. What movie beat it for Best Picture?
28. Who has won more Academy Awards for acting than any one else?
29. In 2003, Adrien Brody became the youngest man to win the Academy Award for Best Actor for his work in what film?
30. Who has won more Academy Awards for Best Director than any other?

Wild Card
31.What band’s fans are known as Juggalos?
32. What is the parent company of the brands Louis Vuitton, Moet and Hennessy?
33. Who recorded more than 180 videos over 2 days in July 2010 for the Old Spice’s “Smell Like a Man” campaign?
34. What no-handed maneuver is Alan Gelfand credited with inventing in 1977?
35. In what 1980s TV series was the central character named Stringfellow Hawke?

Slogans
36. “Don’t Be Evil” is the informal corporate slogan of what company?
37. What airline has used the slogan “More experience than the name suggests?”
38. Who uses the slogan “Born from jets?”
39. What brand uses the slogan “For Successful Living?”
40. What Ivy League college uses the motto “Vox Clamantis in Deserto,” meaning “the voice of one crying in the wilderness?”

Trees
41. What are Vermonsters on the lookout for when hunting Acer Saccharum?
42. Visual
43. The forests of Northern Wisconsin, with large numbers of conifers such as pine and fir as well as the deciduous aspen and birch are classified as what kind of forest?
44. Also known as the maidenhair tree, what species is notable not only for being the only in its genus, but also its incredibly slow rate of evolution, being recognizably related to fossils dating back 270 million years?
45. What is the common name for trees and shrubs in the genus Quercus?

Awards and Prizes
46. Visual
47. The Lamar Hunt and George Halas trophies are given out during the playoffs of what professional sports league?
48. What award is named for the inventor of dynamite who established the award to leave a better legacy after his death?
49. SpaceShipOne, Produced by the first non-governmental organization to launch a reusable, manned spacecraft into space twice in two weeks, won what prize?
50. What is the collective name of the 10 awards given out each October by the Annals of Improbable Research, for “achievements that first make people laugh, then make then make them think?”

Questions 51 – 60 were visual and audio questions, so you just get the answer. And can make up your own questions.
51. Farfelle
52. Rihanna’s Five Head
53. The Dying Gaul
54. Iolani Palace
55. Zedonk
56. The Ramones—Blitzkrieg Bop
57. Arrested Development—Mr Wendal
58. Joy Division—Digital
59. Fugazi—Waiting Room
60. Talking Heads—Flowers

It happens every week. 8pm at the Red Dot in Milwaukee. True fools are always there.

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Posted in Milwaukee Radification Project., Trivia | 6 Comments »

Pro-tips on working Corpo

July 23rd, 2010

Week two is coming to close in the world of my corporate consultancy.  My mind gets blown a little more each day, but I’m pretty sure I’ve got it figured out now. You might think CORPO is too big, you’ll just be a simple number, no one will notice you. And to extent that is true, but only if you let it be.

In reality this place is like Oz. and not the Dorothy, Toto and Tin Man Oz. This is some HBO “Welcome to Oz, bitch” shit. You come in and you gotta let people know where you stand. You need to let people know you’re better than them. It’s an intimidation game. When you were young, or if you do it to 13-year-old girls on the cyberspace it’s called bullying—and for that the consequences are never to be the same. But in the working world I think it’s called business savvy.

To help you out I’ve come up with 10 tips to keep in mind when starting a new position. There are a couple things to keep in mind whilst getting savvy. The first is to not give yourself a couple days to settle in. This means you will be adapting to their systems. You’re gonna be playing by your rules, your shit needs to be more important. The second thing is to never waver, or show the littlest bit of doubt when savvy-izing. You need to be 100 certain in your actions. So study up and get to work at not working.

10 Ways to stake your claim in CORPO

  • When being shown about, ask things like, “Oh, you still use fax machines here?” and “…and that just goes on the company account, right?”
  • If they give you a cubicle, designate one corner to your Japanese tea set and artisan teas. Each day at 3:30 take 20 minutes to sip tea and stare intensely at the list of phone extensions that is the whole of you cubicle art.
  • Inquire about the fitness facility. Be sure to ask a fat person.
  • Ask around for the best way to the Land Rover dealer. Don’t give people an address or a business name, just assume they know where the dealership is.
  • Find out who your equals are and those who are just above you, but not directly above you (i.e. copywriters use designers or art directors). Ask them to do some research for you. Start with business related requests but soon have them check into hotels near Paso Robles.
  • Keep asking, “How is the sailing around here?”
  • Always carry a couple $50s or $100s. Then when a co-worker ask for a donation for some kind of gift or treat day, you can just respond with “OOOOO…I’ve only got hondos.” If after three days this opportunity doesn’t arise, start asking co-workers to break a hundred. It helps to do this to the same co-worker several days in a row.
  • Ignore Casual Friday. Wearing a fucking ascot that day.
  • Reference fictitious Egyptian and Japanese economists and philosophers. Use only their last names. Base all of your decisions on the theories of Farruk and Matsuo.
  • Smoke cigarettes without apology.

I heisted this from NYlife. It's crazy how wackurate this image is.

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Deluge

July 22nd, 2010

So this happened a couple blocks from the estate tonight:

This can only mean one thing—The Religious Right was right. God hates homosexuals.

Seriously though, it was raining like a bastard here.

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Posted in Milwaukee Radification Project. | No Comments »

Like the Salmon of Capistrano

July 21st, 2010

I can’t believe a year has already passed since we last had to face this shit. None the less, it’s back. And there is even more  mind-blowing counting-to-potato then ever.

Let’s watch:

Now we’re going to go through this one together. Remember to turn the page when you hear the magic magnet chime.

  1. “Magic in the air. Comradery (camaraderie?), family, love”–C’mon really. This is how you follow up calling magnets miracles? Fuck, boss. I’ve been to music festivals and they always suck 4 hours into them, after you see your high school art teacher drunk and fighting kids younger than you in “the pit.” jocko/juggalo. Same mentality.
  2. You’ll meet people from everywhere which includes Minnesota, Connecticut, and Nova Scotia? Sounds like there are going to be a lot of white folks there.
  3. “You’ll Probably get laid.” I’m pretty sure Mel Gibson just got in heaps of trouble for essentially saying the same thing to his  girlie. Okay maybe he had a different inflection in his voice, but you get the picture.
  4. “The one and only Awesome Dre” sheeeeeeeeeit. I promise you he did not get that name anywhere but the internets. I can also give you at least six reasons I don’t think DUDE is awesome.
  5. SUGAR SLAM IS BACK! looking a bit more haggard and taking up a little more room on that car seat. If you know what I’m saying.
  6. An ode to the Wild Wild West, with no mention of Dru Hill or the Fresh Prince?
  7. “Smash through the glass as the fireworks blast.” Don’t worry there is only 16 minutes left. WOOP WOOP!
  8. Psycopathic Rydas RYDAS! Don’t give up now. Stay with me. Something makes me suspect these guys write their own music.
  9. Blaze Ya Dead Homie, doesn’t seem very dead to me. Then again I don’t think Juggalos are to be trusted with their “your/you’re” usage.
  10. Boondox such a pseudonym seems rather unrelated to being a scarecrow. Not a lot of farming going on in the Boondocks.
  11. Anybody Killa I think this might be Greg Machotka’s rapping pseudonym. Sounds like him anyway. Lispy fucker. Actually I bet GM could do better rapping. This is so shitty.
  12. No one has been talking about the Dayton Family.
  13. Naughty By Nature, Method Man and Redman. And we’re just getting warmed up! Method Man is to WuTang Clan as  David Lee Roth is to Van Halen.
  14. Tom Green is still alive. I guess that’s a good thing. Also, he slept with Drew Barrymore.
  15. Gallagher, because it seems Tom Green isn’t past-his-prime enough. Juggalos, maybe your parents will come along. You can all paint up your faces together.
  16. “He does have good dick jokes.” At this point Sugar Slam pretty much knows she’s getting laid at the end of this infomercial, whether she wants it or not.
  17. Brotha Lynch Hung wishes he was from Fillmore or Vallejo. Guaranteed.
  18. Enormous heroes Sounds like a couple of fat dudes. I would rather see Down By Law.
  19. Warren G obviously had some influence in the videos made by this lot.
  20. Ladies Night on the second stage. Because they are second class citizens? Nope. Because there will only be like 25 females in attendance. Probably a fair amount of swervin’ going on though. Same thing, right?
  21. Afroman and Coolio will be there. Kevin Smith and Michelle Pfeiffer will not.
  22. For real, there seems to be an overweight white guy theme all over this.
  23. And I do mean everything. Get this dude an Oscar!
  24. Good to see they have helicopter rides again this year, and even used the same piece of stock footage.
  25. The Alfred Hitchcock of Hiphop Hmmm, so you’re  saying he white and overweight too?
  26. Fuck that midget has a head like a Beluga Whale.
  27. Bubble Foam Party Again you’re probably going to get laid.
  28. Dammit They just said Milwaukee.
  29. Wrestling
  30. Something about a movie
  31. Tickets available at Hot Topic. Obviously

Huge thanks to Cizarek Leopold Kilbaski for bringing this to my attention.

Okay, if you hung out through that let me try to make things a little bit better for you. Nowhere is coming.

I just hope they don’t put any music from The Who in it this year.

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Posted in A Very Special Rumorator, I watch too much TV, snowboardering | 6 Comments »

The Unexpected Wisconsin

July 19th, 2010

I had to hit the northwoods of the Wisco for the second time this month. Okay, so maybe I wasn’t in the heart of the northwoods like last time, it was on the western check-point going in to the region. The good news is that the mighty Ojibwe River is wicked high right now. A lot of storms up there lately. The dock at Smets’ place got washed away, and the dock at Elder Broder vR’s got project blown outta alignment and sandwiched some skiff between itself and the rock-ish shore. Then, out of pure malice, the shore and the dock pulled some Night at the Roxbury shit on the little fishing rig.

I also hit up my old stomping ground bike and snowboard shop. Twas good. Always nice to see the guys who have backed me in skateboarding/snowboarding/biking since I was like 12. Not that snowboards, skateboards or bikes were invented when I was 12, but you get the point. And I got connected with a slick, new jersey. That’s a new jersey, as in unused, not guido. I swear to christ the Vosko family is that state’s only redeeming quality.

Friday night SASMETS instructs me to attend a music show with him. Shit. I haven’t seen live music in several minutes. He described it as good old Americana jug-band music. Sheeeeeit. MFer I once waited in line for 3 hours, with 400 40-yr old women to get Lyle Lovett tix, so I can hang. The band was the Gentle Guest. That’s a pretty garbage barge band name for a couple reasons: 1. I forgot it about 50 times already. 2. I personally don’t like it. Anyway, it was The Gentle Guest’s CD release party and to celebrate they organized a pub crawl, during which the band carried their instruments and threw impromptu shows in bars. Pretty stellar idea. I only made it to the last bar.

It was about 2 minutes into their set that I realized SASMETS had lied to me. Sure this band might be americana on CD but their live show was kind of like an assault. But not the kind you’re going to call the police regarding. You’re going to hold this assault some place special, for those days when you need some help passing the time, and internet connection is down. But back to the band. The best I can describe their live show is to liken it to a young Waylon Jennings backed by Man-Man. For real, they had a singer guitarist, a slide-guitar, bass, keys, 2 trombones, a drummer, and one dude who just played one drum and maracas. And of the eight members on stage, 5 were shirtless. Of those five, none of them should’ve have been. But fuck it you know, the songs were loud and completely escalated into chaos on stage. The way good, loud, fast music is supposed to.  If you want to check out this band, hear their more subdued studio work, and maybe suggest a new name check them out here: The Gentle Guest.

Day 2: if there is something northern Wisco really loves, it’s ridiculous humidity. I was attending a family reunion. Not the von Rumorstein’s but the side of the family from Jamestown. I spent most of the afternoon slugging Lagunitas and thinking my cousin Maria’s baby has the largest head I ‘ve ever seen on a child. I should have warned him he’s in for a lifetime of poor fitting hats and helmets. Then I played frisbee with el niece and el nephew and some 8-yr old relative who only barked when I spoke to her. Whatever, at least she wasn’t a blood relative. Five minutes into this game I’m sweating buckets. It was probably the most exercise I’ve gotten in seven years.

After that I drove along to the Mississippi to chill out and make jokes about small towns. Por ejemplo:

A couple things about this picture: 1. Cream is the worst name for a collection of people since The Gentle Guest. 2. There is no way you would turn left to get to this supposed community of Cream. I know this because if you go left, you run directly into bluffs. and there are no roads though that shit. How do I know? I stopped at the local outfitters, hired a sherpa and scaled those MFin bluffs. Also, my “sherpa” was rather unfriendly. It could be that he was not a sherpa, simply a man of Lao decent who preferred to be called “Joe.” None the less I called him  Tenzing the whole time and had him carry my shit so I could get the top and snap this picture. Then I rode down on his back.

You see that land off in the distance? That’s Minnesota. Lutheran country over there. There be dragons.

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Posted in A Very Special Rumorator | 2 Comments »

Work Will Set You Free

July 14th, 2010

Yeah, we heard this one before. Didn’t we?  [Clay Davis voice] Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeit [/Clay Davis voice]

MFers got me all corporate. I end up rolling to work looking like this on the daily:

I arrive at this “work facility” and they have parking lots. Not parking structures, but lots. It’s like those images of Kansas, where farms just have mile after mile of wheat field. But this place is a parking lot farm. I’m not sure what I do when I get inside, but I have two 27-in iMacs on a desk. They’ve disabled all of my access to forums and any kind of chat program so I usually just play the dictionary game. I bash my head on the keyboards and see what word is the closest match. Also, my email says “consultant.” Hopefully the paycheck won’t say “pawn.”

So fuck yeah I’m busy. on the other hand something like this happened in Chicago while I was on my way to watch the World Cup final at Irish Hooters.

They weren’t my pick for the tournament, but Spain fucking rules. They averaged over 500 completed pass a game. Ridiculous. End of story.

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Vacation week recap

July 8th, 2010

Sorry about that. I should have warned you. Anyway, I was in northern Wisco doing some relaxing. The Internet is still a pretty new thing to people up there, so there was no blogging going on. But, what they lack in reliable internet access they make up for in lakes and trees. This is roughly where I spent the week:

I rolled up on Saturday, the day was hot and sunny. It looked like the perfect kick-off to vacation time. Little did I know know that it would be the last I saw of the sun for a few days. I woke up to thunderstorms Sunday morning and people chanting USA! USA! USA! Because that’s what we ‘mericans do on the 4th of July.  The rain ruined the plan of parking the boat in the middle of the lake with 12er of Pacifico, a pack of smokes, and tanning naked. Instead I stayed inside and finished reading Norwegian Wood, then started reading The Possibility of an Island, again. American authors are for chumps, even on America Day.

By early afternoon the local TV station was calling the day a waste, it was going to be raining all night and through the next day. Fireworks shows everywhere were being cancelled. Americans were pist!

The next morning I was antsy by the time I woke up. I really needed to get out of the house. It was still raining on and off, but I decided to go do some biking anyway. The local bike shop hooked me up with a sweet Trek 4300 hardtail with a garbage barge shock up front. So I immediately took it out to some trails and sloppied the bastard up. I also found this Mountain Bike Skillz Zone which was 75% rad. There were teeter-tottery things like this:

And some larger ones like this:

Then there were the warm up drops. Which were pretty fun to be screwing around on.

After I worked on my skillz, I took it to the trails and rode the shit out of them, getting all sorts of lost. While I didn’t really need to use my skills I did get to rip through the place on some fun-ass single-track. At one point I rode into an area that The Lorax obviously never made it too.

It seems that the people of this area have never read my dissertation, Of People and Trees: Life in Wisconsin’s Northwoods and the Relation to the European Settlers of New England. Do I need to remind people that if you remove the forest the evil gets loose?

Then while leaving this once hallowed area I saw this sign:

But it seems the term “steep” is relative:

By this time the rain was starting to let up. I wrapped up the ride, returned the rental machine and went back to the lake house. The weather cleared for the next couple days and I spent the rest of my time sitting on the dock making fun of the wakeboarders. Man, now I know how skateboarders feel when they see snowboarders. It’s a good lake though.

All of these images were taken with my slackberry, so I will disregard any comments you make regarding my photog skillz.

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Posted in Bike! | 1 Comment »

Google Image Search Mastery

July 1st, 2010

As I do most days,I was Google Image searching an Einstein-Rosen Bridge, and suddenly this happened:

WTF is google trying to tell me?

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Posted in A Very Special Rumorator | No Comments »

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