Rumorator

I got The Spanky a few weeks ago. I was cruising by and someone just handed it to me. Initially I tried to turn it down but the guy passing them out said, ” Blud, it’s a goggle wipe and it’s free.” So I took it. Nevermind that fact that Burton has been putting these things on roach clips and giving them to me for free for ages, and I’ve still never used one. I just use the goggle sack or the microfiber cloth from my eye doctor. But after that convincing statement from Spanky-hander-outer I took one. A+ for the marketing skillz.

I tossed The Spanky in my bag and didn’t think much of it. It sat in there a few weeks until I found myself on a shrad adventure to the Wisco/Upper Penninsula boarder. I was hitting up some of the resorts around there. So I decided to give The Spanky a legit  test run.

I broke out The Spanky and discovered it’s not just a goggle wipe, but a trail map as well. BOOM! No need to grab a map at the ticket window. Here’s the catch. When you’re given a spanky for free, you don’t get to choose what trail map you get. I was rolling around Indianhead Mountain for about two and a half hours before I realized I was looking at a map of Red Mountain. No wonder I couldn’t find the lift to the summit.

The biggest problem with someone like me testing a goggle wipe is that I never fall. My shrad skills are unmatched. I don’t  fall and certainly never get over-heated and fogged. So after grabbing a more accurate trail map, and three bottles of Trois Pistoles The Spanky never made it out of my pocket. I do feel confident in backing The Spanky as a goggle wipe that will not weigh you down, or will it make your pocket puff out. The volume and wieght on this thing is perfect. Chances are you’ll forget you even have it on you.

But not me. I’m an amazing product reviewer and knew that I had to really put this wipe through a serious test. Luckily I was near Hurley Wisconsin and it’s famed Silver Street. Loaded with 25 bars  on one street, 6 strip clubs all on one block and with no cover  in sight. I figured I would find a place to use The Spanky.

Goggles off. Contacts out. Glasses on.

Unlike goggles, glasses get dirty just from being on your face. Coffee steam rolls up on them, That weird opium haze sticks to them, hair and eyelashes fall on them,  a deep fried corndog squirts on them, the sweat  and grease from the cleavage of a girl named Fantasy gets rubbed all over them. Glasses need Spankies.

The control glasses went everywear for this test. On strippers faces, up and down poles, in cleavage, g-strings, mouths, gin-and-tonics, and one girl even picked them up with her ass. Needless to say they were filthy. Between each element of the test the Spanky was busted out and successfully cleaned the lenses of sweat, glitter and that stripper smell.

Note: I would have had video, but it seems that kind of behavior is frowned upon in such establishments. That picture to the right–I suspect someone gave their life to get that image. The fact is, we had more people cheering on The Spanky than the dancing girls at certain points.

Then just to really test out The Spanky I ran the glasses through the same test again without cleaning between each stage. By the end the specs actually felt heavier, and no one was claiming the hair on the right lens. Still The Spanky prevailed. With a shot of lens cleaner and a short bath in boiling water upon returning home the glasses we as good as new. But every now and then, if i turn my head fast enough, I can still smell Hurley Wisconsin.

Shay’s Rumorator’s Honesty Box:

It’s a goggle wipe. It’s better than using your sleeve or a napkin. If you can grab one with a trail map for your mountain it’s probably a neat little thing to have, and it would cut down on the clutter in your pockets. I’ll probably keep using goggle sacks to clean goggles, but I’ve now got The Spanky with my glasses and have been using it to clean those on the regular. It was free so I use it.