Get Braced

The weekend is here and it seems like I’m gonna be bucking down a banger week with 5 days of getting the shrad on. Stoked on that.

I’m pretty much a professional slack at this point.

But you know who doesn’t slack? Jay Leno. That dude is all business.  I’m mean he has hardly taken a break since since fucking over Conan and Southland.  In fact this website is reporting that DickChin himself is already taping new episodes of his back-on-11:35pm show.

And to keep it all relevant, his first show back will feature the cast of Jersey Shore. DickChin, please at least act like you’re going to make an effort at entertaining ‘Merica. This is just another perfect example of how DickChin keeps up with the trends. The Jersey Shore 15minutes of fame are almost up, and I’m pretty sure by March 1st most people are going to be more interested in anything Lindsey Vonn is doing, or WTFuck happened to the winter oh-limp-dicks and why were people wearing shorts watching the shrad events.

Actually none of that jock stuff is going to matter.

But the Jersey Shore crew was tired about 7 minutes into their careers. The pinnacle was the mannish-broad getting punched in the face. Now you’ve got to understand that I’m not really one for violence against women, but I can kind of understand it in this case. I mean have you seen her? She’s got a better mustache than me. I can understand mistaking her for Steven Segal or Danny Trejo.

DickChin is so out of touch with anyone with the people who would watch his show. So to kick off his whiny return to the rotting corpse of the Tonight Showof course he would have some tired act that no one gives a fuck about any longer. Don’t even act surprised.

For his second show, he could have the cast of My Name is Earl drop by.

Keeping it Core

I’m pretty well overbro-ed out at this point. But I got to say admit there are some real haters out there. Not that I mind. Shit I am one. But c’mon, you’re hating on on Nike because they have no roots in snowboarding, but fuck Burton because they are too corpo. Capita sucks because they are to art-faggy, and Salomon is tired because it’s all been done before.  Hate on.

I can’t help but to wonder if this same level of bickering goes on in the ski world. I really doubt that the core skiers ever have to worry about this.

Skier 1: Yo yo yo yo yo, Bogner is some whack shit. They don’t even know skiing, yo. I’m down with Descente. Real heads, yo.

Skier2: Descente? Shit son, that some Franco-phile in you. You gotta get down with Armada and Spyder, Yo. Now come on, let’s go make our sport the winter equivalent of rollerblading.

Skier 1: Sick grab, yo.

I’m pretty sure this is how every conversation in skiing goes down. Unless the skiers are over 28-year old, then it sounds something like this.

Skier 1: Daffy

Skier 2: Back scratcher

Skier 1: Spread eagle, I just don’t know about these new companies. I heard even a snowboard company was making skis now. Iron Cross.

I feel pretty damn confident that everyone  heading up ski companies is  a skier. I mean you have to have a really high base level of lameness to create some of the shit that comes out for skiers. And the best way to achieve that level of lameness is to be a skier. Chefs make food they would want to eat and the tired old boys club running skiing makes the gear they want to use.

Snowboardering is done at this point. Seriously if you want to rebel just get into militant atheism. For real. It’s pretty much the pinnacle of punk these days. Plus then when you get older and get married in a church and get your kids baptized or mormonized, everyone will know who the real sell out is. As for the shrad, the most you can hope for is to have some fun with some friends. And maybe stick that gap-to-down you’ve been trying.

In following the rules of bloggermanship I took a piece of cake from the Descente booth. It was rather tasty.

I Paint Pets

I guess this is maybe what you do when you’ve got that special songbird. You call on this lady to paint you a portrait to hang on your wall, and allow you to never forget. Man, if you had two of those portraits you could even call them Tower One and Tower Two. That’s how hard you’d never be forgetting.

Then again I’m in Winter Park, a ski town, so things are different here. I mean skiing and snowboardering are intrinsically suited for upper-middle-class white folks. It’s the nature of the game. Reminds me of the time Burton had the slogan “Keep snowboarding rich and white.”  Of course, not to be out done, the entire Ski Industry was like “Snowboarding. Shit that’s for broke-ass suburban kids. Can I interest you in a coat made of your own Husky’s fur?  Oh don’t worry we had a portrait of her done before we skinned her alive. Price point on this one is $1700.”

Trust me this is how it goes down. I learned this at SIA.  While I was attending the trade show I also met This Dude. He seems like a solid blogger man.

Really though I grew up with unmatched opulence around me. I mean family vR lived large. But not once did we get a portrait of our pets. Though my prized beagle, Chauncey James Stevenson Minifridge VII, totally deserved one. And I can imagine cat ladies going nutso over this. The problem being they could never which of the six felines to have painted.

Come to think of it, my father’s fox hunting pack was painted once.

Fight the Good Fight

Thank you, You’ve made me a better person.

Wishy-washy Wednesday

While Apple was introducing their MacBook Air .5, I was living in the past and thinking about how crappy EDGE service was. Then it dawned on me that pretty much every thing labeled “Edge” has sucked. Proof:

  • The Edge Network: Garbage
  • The Ford Ranger Edge: Still a crap truck
  • Straight Edge:  You’re kidding right?
  • Edge Shave gel: no matter how well it supposedly lubricates i cannot recommend using it as lube.
  • Edge: U2 Sucks

Meanwhile I’m pretty stoked on the wifi version of the Air.5. Reason being that I can’t get service for shit in my local Whole Foods, but they do offer wifi throughout the joint. This will allow me to check porno whilst grocery shopping. OOOOO summer squash!

But in more important news,

I can’t wait to spill a few hundred at this joint:

Asymbol Gallery

The “For Jamil” print, that brings back some shit you know.

Speaking of which, Jamil Khan Day is coming up.

I Went to College Just so I could Laugh Along With Shit Like This

Get it?

Seriously though, The poor are still poor right? Yep, then we’re still fucked.

And now on to ridiculous spending:

I’ve being trying to commit to riding other boards from here on out, but then something like this pops up–

Seriously wanting right now.

Also the Burton Dealer catalog scans are leaking already. And it features some interesting choices of words.

I xxxx-ed shit out so you can’t see all the tech additions to the vapor. For that shit you have to wait until after SIA day 1.

Thanks for bearing with me in the change over to the new blog.

All Fucked Up, Buttercup

Behold!

I fucked up the Dos! blog. So now we got this rolling right here.  Rumorator.com No more typing that silly word, “intarweblog” that seemed like such a great idea in the beginning. Anyway I’m gonna spend  sometime trying to get this thing sorted.

Apart from that I need to hype up the Red Bull Buttercup coming up at Devil’s Head (Home of the price hike and chairlift rollback!)

I wasn’t thinking too much of the event at first, but then I was perving about on the internet, whilst considering just dropping all this blog shit and jumping in the lake, and I came across this from some rad ass kids out at Loon Mountain

Buttercup at Loon from Skylar Brent on Vimeo.

Leave it to Red Bull to toss down another contest that looks like it’s going to be the most fun since before AIDS. Also those Loon Mountain kids are pretty good, you should check out all their shit.

Next let’s keep talking about snowboarding: Look at these chompers:

Lastly, I had this pointed out to me today:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uxcAAb60lik

WTFriday

Lets go over some things I like;

1. Snowboarding. Especially snowboarding in Jackson Hole. Shit is dangerous there. Plus when you live through the day you can go to Million Dollar Cowboy Bar and sit on those saddle stools.

2. Brother Ali. Dude scares me but I’ve seen him do his rapping a few times and I like it. Plus the whole Midwest-on-rhymesayers-jock thing and all.

3. Justin Timberlake. Homie had no choice but to get cool, otherwise he was going to get his ass kicked. So he starts killing pop music, killing it on the reg for Saturday Night Live, killing it on those Sony commericials. “And the more sports you watch on a Sony, the better you get at sports.” You cannot even deny the 500% delivery on that line. Even if it is jock-related.

So I’m pretty much 100% down for this, except the quality:

TGSIASNW (thank god SIA starts next week)

On Danny Davis and Why the Olympics Do Not Matter

Start it out with the old news: Danny Davis got brought down last Saturday night/Sunday morning. And the desk jocks at yahoo sports have chimed in and gone Berzerker. People all over there and even on snowboarding forums are getting pissed, calling for contract clauses limiting the risk for this kind of accident. For the most part the 500+ comments on that story are from poeple who have as little right to comment on snowboarding as fat-mouthed, Christine Brennan.

These people are actually out there saying what DD did was stupid, and acting as though he has no right to be out after dark because he might make the Olympic team. He just cost the USA a gold medal! I guess that’s what important here, winning a gold for ‘Merica.

But here’s the thing-I doubt many snowboarders, Sean Blanco excluded, care too much about the Olympics. What the masses see is hardly a simulacrum of what most of use do with our friends. The exposure is a horrible misrepresentation of the sport. The one trait the bonds all snowboarders is the simple fact that it’s fun. It’s the only reason to do it. You get to be outside, fucking off with your friends, and just enjoying your life. This aspect is completely omitted from any broadcast of the sport. When it’s no longer fun, people move on, for others it stays with them forever. You can outgrow playing football and video games, but for many there isn’t a day that goes by that they don’t at least think about riding.

I don’t think the same can be said about many of the events in the Olympics. Never once have I been told “OMG, you need try figure skating. I’ll take you. We’ll wake up at 5 a.m. drive two hours, and get on the ice just as soon as the Zamboni rolls off.” Yet with snowboarding this happens all winter long, all across the country, for people of all ages. Whether it’s to snowboard some shit hill that’s actually a covered-over landfill in Southeastern Wisconsin, or driving into the 600 inches of fresh Tahoe got this week.

Now I’m not saying that all Olympic sports are not fun. Skiing, fencing, soccer, those are all legitimate good times. And I suspect there is some secret enjoyment in curling that I have yet to figure out. Team sports obviously can be a fun beyond the peak competition phase. I know plenty of grown-ass people who still get stoked to play in their local soccer/basketball/volleyball club. But with most of the individual sports it seems once you’ve been eliminated from competition, you’re done. Sure you can still run, or swim lap, but then it seems to be more about fitness.

Rarely do you see people who have realized their competition days are over, just going out for a day of pole vaulting. Even my homey Nate used to ski jump, and at some point he realized a) I’m not going to make the Olympic team. b) shradding is way more fun. And at the time snowboarding wasn’t even in the Olympics. The only person he had to compete with was me. This competition has been going on for 20 years now, and still all I ever want to do is better him for the day and have a drink with him when we’re done.

This is how snowboarding differs from everything else in the Olympics. It’s not a rigid discipline. It’s hardly even a discipline. You can take any of the top ranked pipe riders and drop them on another part of the mountain and they will still rip. And if there’s a contest they will probably still place. Most importantly, if they’re doing it with their friends they’ll be 100% stoked on it.

That’s just how snowboarding works. You’re out there because you like it. And if you’re competing, you’re most likely competing with the people you enjoy riding with. And when the day is over you celebrate a day well lived.

Now enter in the professional shrad-kid. This person has devoted their whole life to feeling good about what they do everyday. Hanging out with friends, and having someone pay you to fly around the world, looking for the best spots to ride. And more importantly if you’re personable and have a marketable image you’re going to get a lot more money.

Danny Davis has the mix of amazing skills, personality and money behind him letting him do whatever he wants. So he rips it up everyday, he’s pushing himself against people like Kevin Pearce, Scotty Lago, and Mason Aguirre and there is no denying the friendship they’ve got. And when Kevin went down DD was dedicating his runs to him. That’s what seemed to be pushing him. And he was doing well. He bangs down a couple of ridiculous wins and happens to be well on his way to the Olympics. Then he gets hurt fucking around. I’m sure Danny’s a little bummed he won’t be in the Olympics, but I would guess he’s more upset that he’s not riding.

For snowboarding the Olympics are like an afterthought, not many are working to be “the best in the world and bring home gold for the USA.”At this point if the games are there for the taking, you might as well go for it. But if mainstream society wants this to happen, it needs to understand snowboarders. They are not you typical Olympians. They are not commercial ready like Apollo Ono (of course, except for Sean Blanco). They are dirty. Their attire, boards and attitudes glamorize the underbelly of society. Make no mistake, snowboarders are the offspring of surfers and skateboarders, not figure skaters and skiers. They will stand at the top of the halfpipe, with a hangover, take one last pull off a cigarette and still put down one of the best runs in the world. Snowboarding should not compromise this. It’s what makes shradding so great. To have contract clauses limiting what riders can and cannot do when they aren’t standing at the top of a halfpipe is to truly limit snowboarding. The the heart of snowboarding will be gone. And to all those who said snowboarding died 15 years ago this won’t even be a recognizable.

Fresh, Pressed Like A Million Bucks

I think there is something Zen-like in this, so I’m gonna keep watching it on a loop.

Letterpress Test from lorene on Vimeo.

But check that shit at 0:46, that was early some industrial accident action right there. I know this shit. I saw The Mangler.

Thanks to Lorenius for this