You regular readers, you know how it was supposed to go down. Jussi was going to drop into town, there was going to be a lot of shit-talking and he was going to kick my ass in table tennis. Right? I know that’s what Chimichangasandsnow was saying. I know that’s what Brooke over at Yobeat was saying. Shit, even the Brit Babies over on Powderroom were talking about ‘mericans and their weakness on the tables.
You could say there was some pressure on me. It’s cool though, my game is tight under pressure. Sure I sweat a little more. My tourettes may step up to the next level . But I am 150% game-the-fuck-on. So I did some warming up. I had a table installed in the estate. I brought in Jan-Ove Waldner for some lessons. I thought he would be best because he has fewer travel restrictions, and if I was going to be taking on a Finn I thought a Swede would be an excellent mentor. I couldn’t come into this match playing sino-style. It had to be scanner 100%.
So game day comes I’m ready to play it. We’re in the shop. And I’m eyeballing Jussi. Letting him know his time has come. When suddenly BOOM! Out of know where Billy shows up. Apparently Billy works for Burton and he said to me, “Listen Bro, We’re all down for this game, but you gotta let Jussi win. We trust you understand the implications of this match. And in return for your ‘relaxed game play’ we’re willing to give you this sticker, a DVD copy of the Liftline.tv promo, and you can visit our website, www.burton.com, as many as eight times a week for the remainder of the year.”
I was pushing for him to throw in a romantic dinner with Amanda W, who help set this whole thing up, but I couldn’t get it Billy to agree with it.
Game time. I came out playing soft. My usual routine: eating a couple McRibs and Double Downs with one hand while my amazing, fool-smoking paddle was smoking fools in my other hand. And I watched Jussi play a couple games— the dude seems okay. But he wasn’t ready. I knew the match was going to get ugly.
So I said “Jus-dog what do you say we play with our shoes. I noticed you’re rocking a fine pair of vulc soles and here I am in my NewBs, with their aggressive, athletic sole. This might just level the playing field a bit more.”
This agreement was agreed upon and the game was on. I tried to play loose, yet Billy kept snagging my attention and signaling for me to turn it down a notch. But I couldn’t. When you play table tennis at the level I do, you can’t just turn it down. I can’t just play at a “slightly above average” level. So I played. And I crushed Jussi.
This is pretty serious when you beat someone you’ve looked up for so long. It reminded me of the time in 2nd grade when I beat my father in arm wrestling. His paralyzed arm limp on the table. I think I heard his DTC01 voice synthesizer say, “I’m proud of you, son.”
Of course Billy was not happy about this. I thought he had gotten over it later in the night, after I tried to give him a Spanish waitress as a gift. But then he asked if he could see the video. I obliged and the dude made a move for the door, hopped in a cab and was gone. I got an email from him on Monday morning saying he was going to edit the film for me. And then this is the video I get back:
Now I’m not gonna say the video was selectively edited, but lets go over the facts here:
- We don’t see Jussi score any points.
- We do see jussi not clear the net one time.
- I have much better style than Jussi.
Yet the score says 2-o in Jussi’s favor.
I’m not gonna say with was flipped and chopped by the magicians at Burton, but look again. Do you trust this face:
ps. Billy still owes me $30