This is straight outta the email:
I like to imagine I wasn’t actually a creeper. Fuck, I was in college. I was just more awkward than anything. Still am. This is how it works though. All things being equal if I’m at the grocery store and I have the choice between a cashier who is even remotely attractive and some girl wearing cardigan over a floral print dress to flash her iconoclastic shitbag hipster rhythms, I’m going with the remotely attractive one. I can only assume it’s because I’m male.
Spinning off from that I really dislike how riverwestism allows ugly people to be passed off as attractive. Listen up holmes. If your 27 and bald you’re not going to make it okay by growing a mustache and wearing vintage specs. Hear me out muthafucker, I’ve humping this Spectacles chicken since th3rd grade. My first pair of specs had Linus on the bow. Why? Because glasses are some dork shit and when you’re 8 and you find out you’re going to be a 4-eyes you need all comfort you can get. So I got Linus. Totally would have preferred Pigpen. That dude was real. Not some blanket-toting thumbsucker. It’s Like Arrested Development said “Dig your hands in the dirt. Children play with Earth.” Pigpen was on that.
So now I’m 20 years deep in the specs game. So now I’m 10 pairs deep in the specs game. I got the contacts, eyes in eyes, option as well, but you gotta understand the appeal of the specs. Dramatic put-ons and take-offs. Pensive bow-biting. Who wouldn’t hit a man with contacts? Since that time we were walking home in Madison and the Hater broke the Fawanks in that snowbank and I made it rest of the way home with bent rims and one lens. That was some shit. But still, specs is radder. Fuck a lasik cop-out.