The Water Closet

I hoped it would never come to this. I was certain we, as a people, were beyond it. But here we are, getting a gentlemanly refresher on bathroom etiquette.

I’m not talking about simply washing your hands. Yet a lot of dudes still haven’t seen the rulebook on that one either.  That hand washing knowledge is out there, so now let’s build on it. Make sure you’re shutting off the water while you’re lathering your hands. This isn’t Torontario. The water isn’t free until everyone is.

So lets get into it

10 Tips to Proper Men’s Room Etiquette

  • Always take the taller urinal. I never trust a man who opts for the lower urinal. And please don’t drop some line about dong length. If you really were hung like that you’d be in gay pornos. Seriously.
  • Don’t bring your coffee into the men’s room unless you want me to pee in it
  • Whenst going in to drop some wolfbait, and faced with the option of several stalls, take the one closest to the door or urinals. Letting any other restroom users wallow in the smell of your hot shit is a fucking key power play. If you can, finish your session, and step out the great the people you just dominated.
  • If you’re having trouble peeing, sing this song to yourself:

    This is my personal jumpstart song, but you can borrow it.

  • Never be afraid to piss on another man’s shoes.
  • If there is a divider between the urinals and both are full, be sure to apologize to the other uriner for the missed opportunity to look at your penis. Then stare down at your own peen and shake your head in approval.
  • As CLK once taught us, a men’s room is a place of openness and trust. It is completely acceptable to remove your shirt.
  • That handicapped stall is for retards. For real. It is.
  • If someone chooses to use the men’s room to talk on the phone, it is completely acceptable to make super loud, gratuitous fart noises.
  • If you’re ever thinking to yourself, “Is this guy a bathroom attendant,” He probably isn’t. No matter how long he stands around watching you, do not accept a breath mint on the way out.

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3 Responses to “The Water Closet”

  1. a says:

    I read once that the first stall is the cleanest, because people walk past it, afraid to defecate in the middle of the room or something.

    Also, someone told me you can’t have intra-stage conversations. It’s okay to talk in line to another dude in line, for example, but it’s against the rules to talk to a pisser if you’re not pissing. I take it one step further and just don’t say anything. I have a hard time starting conversations anyways, so the bathroom doesn’t make it any easier.

  2. chantha says:

    rumorator, what do i do if automated water faucets are not working and i cannot wash my hands after contact with my donkey d (get it?)? this has been happening frequently at a building where i spend time.

    i think it is only acceptable to speak in the bathroom if you are speaking in tongues, cuz when you feel the holy ghost you can’t suppress his presence.

    one last thing…have you seen my water bill?

  3. rumorator says:

    if a faucet is not faucetting out water it’s best just to call me and I will come pee on your hands. I learned from rap music that’s it’s sterile the first time.

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