Fat Tuesday

A Report From The World Health Organization

I’m starting to believe Wisconsin’s Governor and official corporate pawn, Scooter Walker, may have planted rogue agents among the protesters. Agents to spread illness around. How do I know this? It’s because everyone who has been involved is ending up with Rally Hack. Frankly, my throat feels like shit.

Last night I was doing some at-home remedying/witchcraft and whatever came out of my nose and throat tasted like a farm. Believe it. I’ve been to farm. Shit was farmy.

Part 2.

Catholics fire up their Lenten studies tomorrow. And you’ll know who these cats are because they will either talk to you about what they are giving up for lent, or, for the ones who are way into it, they’ll have some ash rubbed on their faces. That’s some leftover pagan meets Apocalypse Now style for sure.

But yeah, it’s all about what they are giving up. Sometimes they’re like “I’m giving up pizza, or sodas, or doughnuts.” Pssht. Why don’t you try something a bit more demanding? Spend your 40 days and 40 nights not being such an asshole. Or “I’m going to try to stop nodding when I stare at the boobs of the girl who pours my cappuccinos.” Make some real sacrifices here cafflicks.

Forget it. A few years ago, I gave up listening to people talk about their silly Lenten give-ups. That was only a few years after I gave up their god. But if you’re still on that train, I’ve compiled a list of things you might want to consider giving up this Lenten season.

  • Spend forty days making sure there is left directional use with that left turn.
  • Quit telling me you zeach and tindy to be ironic.
  • Give up being smoke-free. ¬°es hora de fumar!
  • Quit crying.
  • Stop oppressing.
  • Stop snitchin’.
  • Stop closing the door to bathroom stalls. Jesus bonus if you leave the door to the greater bathroom open as well.
  • Please stop playing that Mumford and Sons song.
  • Stop Facebook liking things that are impossible to like. You cannot honestly like punch cards, self check-outs, or one dollar bills.
  • Stop holding out girl.
  • Start stunting.
  • If you sit near me, you could consider trying to stop talking to me.
  • Stop the war on workers
  • Stop hiding, stop hiding, stop hiding your face.

You’ve got a few hours left before the no fun starts. Go rip it up.

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4 Responses to “Fat Tuesday”

  1. a says:

    I was in my twenties when I saw my first ash-facer. I thought it was dirt, and I like when people have food in their teeth or shaving cream on their faces or whatever, so I just laughed inside.

  2. chantha says:

    give something up? you mean like a food drive?

  3. Co-host says:

    I didn’t know about Ash Wednesday until college. Saw one dude; laughed a little inside a-man style. Walking down the stairwell after class, I pass about thirty or so people coming up, all with the Serpent and the Rainbow action on their forehead and that blank, I’m-climbing-the-stairs-on-autopilot look in their eyes. I thought I was in the fucking Twilight Zone.

  4. rumorator says:

    The fuck is up with all you dudes knowing nothing of the ash heads?

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