Republished from February 12, 2010, Mostly because I’m busy, or lazy.
I’ve been holding off publishing this one for a while now. I wanted to be sure I could hang it up on a proper day. And since we are heading into the the lovage holiday, I though I would toss it up now. Just to let everyone know what’s out there and what you can do to make your Valentine’s a little bit more exciting.
A while ago I came home to find a package in my mailbox from my main man Goggles. He’s some media hotshot in NYC and deals with Johnson & Johnson, in turn he deals with KY. The dude knew that I tend to put my penis in places and could probably use some lube. So imagine my delight when I found the package of KY His and Hers. Color me stoked.
Now if you haven’t used His and Hers, here’s the break down. It’s two tubes of lubes. The His is slightly mentholated and cooling, while the Hers is warming and probably cinnamon oil based. They are supposed to combine and lead to some fantastic sexxxing. Ultimately it’s a mild numbing sensation on the man and a heater on the women. Think of it like Ambesol and Icy Hot.
I was pretty anxious to slap a little of the juice on my peep and start humping, and that meant I needed to find someone to hump with. So I started hanging out in bars, hitting on the kind of women who looked like they might be into some regret and fake names. I even got the estate set up so that when the ladies came over they would know what kind of kink they we about to get into. And for all you readers out there consider this image your warning:
Like you know anyone who’s got a better sex set-up than that. “Oh you want me to read to you? That’s cool, I got some reading materials right here. I’ll read to you by candle light. You want to listen to some sexy music? It’s way good, it’s french. Or are you more into punk? I got some of that too. You need to replenish after the serious bout of love making? I can understand that. Here, eat some peppers. But first, can you crush some up in your hands and rub it on my ding? Yeah that’s right.”
Anyway, I was having some trouble finding a partner who wanted to take part in this experiment. So I lowered my standards a little bit. Still, it seems women are really not down with having sex with me while I tweet about it and put it on my blog the next day. Figures.
But I knew that this lube set was a gift, and I needed to share it with my readers. You see promotional shit like this is what you get when you’re a level 2 bloggerman. So I decided I needed to do some self testing on these products. To prepare for this I put on my cowboy hat, and grabbed a cigarette and a bible. As shown in figure 1.0:
So I then looked at some smutty websites, thought about the chick from Lost and got ready to the apply the lube. Now I know right now you’re thinking this turns into some kind story about me just watching filth and rubbing one out for Valentine’s day. But no, I simply waited until I had an ample erection and tossed on the His lube. Now if you remember back, I said it had a slight numbing quality to it. Well that does two things. One: it makes you last a bit longer when it comes to the actual banging. And two: it kind of gives you three-quarters wood. So with my raging 75%-er I then put my right leg up on the arm of my couch and bent my peep under, to my butt. I also changed into a stocking cap because I was cold standing about all naked. Once I made sure it could reach (like I didn’t already know) I then squirted some of the Hers lube on my my asshole and just slipped the dick in, as seen in figure 2:
Coda: I think the His and Hers works well as a lube. It mean it was nothing too magical. Maybe it works differently in a vagina. Maybe someday I’ll find out. But when you have to use
lube you might as well get the added benefits of the His and Hers.
Bloggerman disclosure: I did not pay for the KY His and Hers.