English Lessons


It happens every so often that snowboarding (the media, the industry, or even the act itself) tries to convince us that there is something going on in the UK. I’m pretty sure the powers that be over there are were thinking, “well I guess it’s time to make another run at this snowboarding game.” I mean it must kill them to think snowboarding is just one more thing the Scandinavians are better than them at doing. Add it to the list:

• Exploration without wiping out autochthonous culture.
• Fjords
• Fjolklore
• Automobile manufacturing
• Church burning
• And now snowboarding too

They’ve tried quite hard to convince us UK shredding was real. They have magazines about it. They have Matt Barr. And it only makes sense. In the grand “Keep Snowboarding Rich and White” theme, OF COURSE the UKers would be involved somehow. Those MFers know racism and classism. You would

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know this if ever listened to an album from the Streets, or watched Precious: A movie based on the novel Push, by Sapphire. Stay focused on the shred though. To me, the only rider out of the UK with staying power has been Jenny Jones.

Then I did a little research and found out she is only #3 in the realm of UK shredlegends. I was looking down the list, not recognizing any names until I came to The Real Jenny Jones. I was thinking, “Who the fuck could possibly be bigger?” Part of me was convinced they were going to claim Terry Hawkenson as their own.

Instead I’m confronted by Steve Bailey in #2. I remember that dude. On the Division 23 team. Blasting monster shifties and rocking chain wallets and maybe white dreads if I remember correctly. Oh shit, that was Steve Blakely. I was way off. I have no clue who #2 nor #1 is.

But this latest push is crazy. They send over Jamie Nicholls to win some rail jam in Tokyo. This dude was raised on dry slopes. He’s never actually been on real snow. I imagine he was like the tour guide I in had in Hawaii asking what snow was like—“Can your animals go outside in it?” It must have blown his mind to have to wear a jacket and snow specific pants. WHAT ARE THESE THINGS I AM SLIPPING OVER MY HANDS? GLUVS? Then again, he probably just associated it with Japan. That place is wacky.

Really though, the kid rips.


Fun fact: Jamie Nicholls is represented by Octagon. I wonder if the people at Octagon feel cheated whenever they see the previews for the ABC show Revenge. I like the idea of Octagon-ers thinking, “Those MFers just heisted our “8 as G” motif. And they’re using a serif font as well.”

To make matters worse that show looks like a crap hybrid of The Fugitive and Desperate Housewives. Blah blah blah strong female lead. Whatever. It supposedly takes place in the Hamptons, but there is a serious lack of talk about the hard luck that has fallen on the fishermen. No talk about how they can’t sell no stripers. No luck in swordfishing out there.

Small business Saturday. At first I was not backing this at all. Some fucking corporate propagated do-gooderism-autofellatio. But then I found out my local shop, MODA3, was involved. I still think it’s corporate crap, but if there is a way I can take advantage of it, I’m going to. It works like this.

1. Register your American Express card. Just do it. They know everything you spend money on already, so why not take advantage of this little perk.
2. Buy a new tee-shirt or beanie or whatever it is you’re aching for, but spend $25 and toss a little money at one of the raddest shred and streetwear shops in the Midwest. Fuck it, they might be the raddest. PERIOD!
3. Get a $25 credit from Amex. SNAPPED! Free t-shirt or beanie or 420kit or just $25 off those killer Stussy vests.

Still corpo to fuckall, but at least you can support a good shop. So whatever I guess.

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3 Responses to “English Lessons”

  1. a says:

    I guess I gotta show this to my mans Rog. He’s gonna be pissed. Off.

    I, myself, take umbrage with the claim that Scandos build better cars than Pasty UK Cunts. It’s not true.

    All that other stuff: probably true. Ncept weren’t Wikings hellagnarly? Or they just raepd’n'pillagd, didn’t colonize, so they meet that criterion where you used that word I don’t know…probably that.

    8 as G, and numbers-as-letters, that’s as deaded as vowel removal. Burned out way quicker, too.

    My mind is definitely blowed that you just told me to get a AMEX card. In Blue Collar Uniontown America? You’re going to get occupied, or recalled, or both.

  2. [...] Nicholls, who I once bagged on for being from the UK. This kid is the raddest in the game right now. First off, he is an impressively good rider. You [...]

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