Come, Hear My Tale

Singles.

I’m pretty sure we have entered the end of days for my wallet.  It’s been a good run. I think I picked this beast up sometime in the mid-nineties. Someone told me Kenneth Cole was the heat. I even had a pair of shoes the company made. They were shoes with a monkstrap. I knew this. The fact that I knew this probably had something to do with me not helping some broad get a role on Teen Mom.

But it was a shaky time. I needed an unchained wallet. Madre and Padre Rumoratario wanted me to look respectable. They thought my size 40 pants were an abomination. But they let me roll around on 39mm wheels like it was totally acceptable. Where was the good parenting then? C’mon dad, you couldn’t have pulled me aside and been like, “Child, get yourself some respectable wheels, like at least a 55. Also those  jumbo trousers aren’t helping land any broads on Teen Mom, if you know what I’m saying. ”

PhlawsyPhiles is telling me to get on board with the Yobeat dollarClipse, but I’ve tried and tried again with those clipse. I don’t carry enough Hondos or Benjamins. Shit, I don’t even know what the cool people call one hundred dollars bills. So clipse are just right out.

Jheff JHamlett is suggesting I go with one of these Tanner Leather bifolds. That’s feeling much more my style, and you gotta admit that that natural leather has potential for long-term radness.

But, since we are now in the realm of artisan leather goods, shouldn’t I be keeping it close? Hitting up this Cap City Local? For real I could probably bike to homeboy’s tannery and get the goods. But I think the idea of having a wallet worth more than what I carry in it is hilarious. Honestly look at this mess:

I’ve got $23,  a couple of debt-makers, a AAA card (I don’t even drive) and like 60% of a free slice of pizza at Ian’s.  Given what I’m rolling with, I’m best off going with this:

Best summer wallet available. Maybe it’s time to make it a year round thingy.

Double-Up!


I watched Red State. Holy shit! Granted, I’m a touch of Kevin Smith fanboy, but it doesn’t matter. This movie is crazed. I’ve seen horror movies, even a few Asian ones, they’re creepy, but Red State, that was kind of a horrifying flick.

Blastly:
I like this:

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4 Responses to “Come, Hear My Tale”

  1. mr.chantha says:

    Might I suggest two card holders taped or stapled together? Whatever you decide put the dr. dre ‘chronic’ album cover on the ceiling above your bed. A little good luck never hurt anyone.

  2. a says:

    MY WALLET IS LIKE MY APARTMENTS: MORE SPACE JUST MEANS MORE JUNK. THIS IS WHAT I REALIZED.

    PARDON THE ALLCAPPS BUT I’M ON COFFEE.

    EVERY HORIZONTAL SPACE IN MY APARTMENT JUST ENDS UP GETTING COVERED. FEWER SPOTS, LESS MESS. WITH THIS WALLET SHIT, I WAS ON A NICE LEATHERY ONE FROM ITALIAN VALENTINO WITH THE ORANGE BAGS. SHIT’S GREAT BUT I JUST PACKED IT FULL OF SHIT. IF THERE WAS A SLOT, I FILLT IT. AYO. WITH THIS MONEYCLIP, ALL I CAN CARRY IS CASHISH AND THREE OR FOUR CARDS. THE CARDS I’VE CHOSEN ARE DRIVERLICENSE, DEBIT, AND ORCA. ORCA IS A REGIONAL TRANSIT CARD. SPRITTYFUCKINSICC IT STANDS FOR “ONE RATE CARD for ALL.” TOTAL LOTR SHIT. AND THERE SHALL BE ONE RATE CARD TO RULE THEM ALL. AND ORCA IS THESE BIG PANDADOLPHIN THINGS THEY CLAIM WE HAVE UP HERE. IT’S HOTT. ORCA. I DONT KNOW WHO THE FUCK CALLS A BUS PASS A “RATE CARD,” BUT WHATEVER. HAD TO MAKE IT FIT. THAT’S BEEN RETROACTIVELY LABELED A “BACKRONYM.” LIKE JUNIOR M.A.F.I.A. WHERE YOU WANT SO DESPERATELY TO USE THE WORD THAT YOU PROBABLY STRETCH A BIT ON THE WORDS. BUT FUCKIN AYE IF ORCA ISN’T GOOD. ORCA. DID WE DISCUSS THIS ALREADY? I ONLY HAVE FOUR TOPICS OF DISCUSSION, SO PROLLY.
    SO I CARRY ALL THREE OF THOSE, AND SNAP ABOUT 23 BUCKS TO IT. I USUALLY HAVE ABOUT THAT MUCH ON MY PERSON. (SIDE NOTE: IF ONE WAS, SAY, A DIFFERENT THING, LIKE AN OGRE, LIKE SHREK THE OGRE, WOULD HE BE “CARRYING APPROXIMATELY 23 DOLLARS ON HIS OGRE?” IF SO, THAT’S GOOD. SHOULD I WATCH A SHREK MOVIE TO FIND OUT IF THEY DID THIS? USUALLY THOSE MOVIES THAT ARE “GOOD FOR KIDS AND ADULTS” ARE REALLY BARELY GOOD FOR KIDS, AND ONLY GOOD FOR STUPID ADULTS. SO I DONT WANT TO WATCH.) THE WALLET HAS A LITTLE SNAP POCKET THAT JUST BEGS FOR CHANGE, AND I COULDN’T RESIST. I’D MAKE DECISIONS AS TO HOW MUCH CHANGE TO CARRY ON MY OGRE. USUALLY IT WAS SOMEWHERE AROUND 80 CENTS, TOO, BECAUSE THAT’S LIKE OH FUCK HOW MUCH DO YOU NEED TO BE ABLE TO MAKE CHANGE FOR EVERYTHING? LIKE WHAT’S THAT MATH PROBLEM? I WOULD TAKE THREE QUARTERS, BECAUSE I WAS LIKE IF THERE’S SOMETHING THAT’S OVER FIFTY CENTS THEN I’D LIKE TO GET RID OF THESE QUARTERS. I BROUGHT QUARTERS BECAUSE I DIDNT WANT TO HAVE QUARTERS. HOW INSANE IS THAT? THAT IS CRAZED. JUST REALIZED THAT. EXHIBIT TWOMILLIONSEVEN OF WHY I’M AN IDIOT.
    SO THIS MONEYCLIP, IT DOESNT DO COINS.
    WHICH IS FINE, BECAUSE I LIVE IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA IN THE YEAR 2011. AND NO AMOUNT OF COINS CAN BUY ANYTHING. I LEAVE THEM IN THE LITTLE DRY WATERSLIDE AT THE CASH REGISTER USUALLY. SOMETIMES I POCKET A COUPLE QUARTERS (NOTHING UNDER A QUARTER). I WILL BRING PENNIES OUTSIDE AND FLICK THEM AT SHIT, I DO DO THAT. OH YEAH AND WITH THE QUARTERS, I DON’T PUT THEM IN THE SAME POCKET, BECAUSE I DONT WANT THEM TO JINGLE. I DIVERSIFY MY FUNDS THROUGHOUT MY VARIOUS POCKETS. I AM NOT JOKING. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO MOVE WITH STEALTH IF NEED BE. AND I DONT WANT TO SOUND LIKE A JANITOR, ALL JINGLING BABY, WHEN I COME UP ON SOME OCCUPY PROTESTER LOOKING FOR A HANDOUT.
    MAN I AM FULLY DOWN WITH THIS MONEYCLIP BIZ. THE ONLY THING I’M NOT GOOD AT YET IS FIGURING OUT WHAT TO DO WHEN IT’S MONEY-CHANGING TIME–DURING THE PURCHASE. I’M GOOD AT THE START, WHEN I PEEL OFF MY THREE SINGLES (FOR TINY CHEWY SWEET TARTS), BUT IF I GET ANY BILLS IN RETURN, I DONT KNOW IF I SHOULD STAND THERE AND RE-ABSORB THEM INTO MY STACK AND DO THE SLIDE’N'CLIP, OR RE-CLIP AND STASH WHILE THE CLERK IS RINGING ME UP AND THEN DO IT OVER BY THE DOOR, OR WHAT. I’D LIKE TO GET IT ALL BACK STACKED AND CLIPPED RIGHT THERE, BUT I’M A LITTLE SLOW AND THERE’S SOMEBODY WAITING IN LINE BEHIND ME. IF I WAIT AND DO IT AS I’M WALKING OUT, THE GUYS SELLING THE HOMELESS PAPER WILL SEE THAT I HAVE SCRATCH AND IT’S HARDER TO IGNORE THEM. UPHOLDING THE ASSHOLE-WITH-A-MONEYCLIP STEEZ WOULD SAY THAT I CAN DO EITHER: MAKE SOMEONE WAIT, BECAUSE LOOK AT ALL THIS CASH BRO, OR FLAUNT ALL THIS CASH BRO IN FRONT OF THE BEGGARMANS. EITHER ONE IS ASSHOLISH.
    I CAN’T BREATHE.

  3. TTG says:

    Red State seriously fucked my mind for 3 days! Silent Bob slipped into the deep end on this one!
    And… whatever happened to that custom leather deal you made in honor of Pulp Fiction?

  4. rumorator says:

    That custom Pulp Fiction money holder is long gone somewhere. Shit, I think 40% of kids had that wallet after seeing that film the first time.
    I should roll with one of those now. Bringing it back too soon and all that.

    I’m still not comfortable with Red State.

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