I’m still not comfortable with Red State.

PARDON THE ALLCAPPS BUT I’M ON COFFEE.

EVERY HORIZONTAL SPACE IN MY APARTMENT JUST ENDS UP GETTING COVERED. FEWER SPOTS, LESS MESS. WITH THIS WALLET SHIT, I WAS ON A NICE LEATHERY ONE FROM ITALIAN VALENTINO WITH THE ORANGE BAGS. SHIT’S GREAT BUT I JUST PACKED IT FULL OF SHIT. IF THERE WAS A SLOT, I FILLT IT. AYO. WITH THIS MONEYCLIP, ALL I CAN CARRY IS CASHISH AND THREE OR FOUR CARDS. THE CARDS I’VE CHOSEN ARE DRIVERLICENSE, DEBIT, AND ORCA. ORCA IS A REGIONAL TRANSIT CARD. SPRITTYFUCKINSICC IT STANDS FOR “ONE RATE CARD for ALL.” TOTAL LOTR SHIT. AND THERE SHALL BE ONE RATE CARD TO RULE THEM ALL. AND ORCA IS THESE BIG PANDADOLPHIN THINGS THEY CLAIM WE HAVE UP HERE. IT’S HOTT. ORCA. I DONT KNOW WHO THE FUCK CALLS A BUS PASS A “RATE CARD,” BUT WHATEVER. HAD TO MAKE IT FIT. THAT’S BEEN RETROACTIVELY LABELED A “BACKRONYM.” LIKE JUNIOR M.A.F.I.A. WHERE YOU WANT SO DESPERATELY TO USE THE WORD THAT YOU PROBABLY STRETCH A BIT ON THE WORDS. BUT FUCKIN AYE IF ORCA ISN’T GOOD. ORCA. DID WE DISCUSS THIS ALREADY? I ONLY HAVE FOUR TOPICS OF DISCUSSION, SO PROLLY.
SO I CARRY ALL THREE OF THOSE, AND SNAP ABOUT 23 BUCKS TO IT. I USUALLY HAVE ABOUT THAT MUCH ON MY PERSON. (SIDE NOTE: IF ONE WAS, SAY, A DIFFERENT THING, LIKE AN OGRE, LIKE SHREK THE OGRE, WOULD HE BE “CARRYING APPROXIMATELY 23 DOLLARS ON HIS OGRE?” IF SO, THAT’S GOOD. SHOULD I WATCH A SHREK MOVIE TO FIND OUT IF THEY DID THIS? USUALLY THOSE MOVIES THAT ARE “GOOD FOR KIDS AND ADULTS” ARE REALLY BARELY GOOD FOR KIDS, AND ONLY GOOD FOR STUPID ADULTS. SO I DONT WANT TO WATCH.) THE WALLET HAS A LITTLE SNAP POCKET THAT JUST BEGS FOR CHANGE, AND I COULDN’T RESIST. I’D MAKE DECISIONS AS TO HOW MUCH CHANGE TO CARRY ON MY OGRE. USUALLY IT WAS SOMEWHERE AROUND 80 CENTS, TOO, BECAUSE THAT’S LIKE OH FUCK HOW MUCH DO YOU NEED TO BE ABLE TO MAKE CHANGE FOR EVERYTHING? LIKE WHAT’S THAT MATH PROBLEM? I WOULD TAKE THREE QUARTERS, BECAUSE I WAS LIKE IF THERE’S SOMETHING THAT’S OVER FIFTY CENTS THEN I’D LIKE TO GET RID OF THESE QUARTERS. I BROUGHT QUARTERS BECAUSE I DIDNT WANT TO HAVE QUARTERS. HOW INSANE IS THAT? THAT IS CRAZED. JUST REALIZED THAT. EXHIBIT TWOMILLIONSEVEN OF WHY I’M AN IDIOT.
SO THIS MONEYCLIP, IT DOESNT DO COINS.
WHICH IS FINE, BECAUSE I LIVE IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA IN THE YEAR 2011. AND NO AMOUNT OF COINS CAN BUY ANYTHING. I LEAVE THEM IN THE LITTLE DRY WATERSLIDE AT THE CASH REGISTER USUALLY. SOMETIMES I POCKET A COUPLE QUARTERS (NOTHING UNDER A QUARTER). I WILL BRING PENNIES OUTSIDE AND FLICK THEM AT SHIT, I DO DO THAT. OH YEAH AND WITH THE QUARTERS, I DON’T PUT THEM IN THE SAME POCKET, BECAUSE I DONT WANT THEM TO JINGLE. I DIVERSIFY MY FUNDS THROUGHOUT MY VARIOUS POCKETS. I AM NOT JOKING. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO MOVE WITH STEALTH IF NEED BE. AND I DONT WANT TO SOUND LIKE A JANITOR, ALL JINGLING BABY, WHEN I COME UP ON SOME OCCUPY PROTESTER LOOKING FOR A HANDOUT.
MAN I AM FULLY DOWN WITH THIS MONEYCLIP BIZ. THE ONLY THING I’M NOT GOOD AT YET IS FIGURING OUT WHAT TO DO WHEN IT’S MONEY-CHANGING TIME–DURING THE PURCHASE. I’M GOOD AT THE START, WHEN I PEEL OFF MY THREE SINGLES (FOR TINY CHEWY SWEET TARTS), BUT IF I GET ANY BILLS IN RETURN, I DONT KNOW IF I SHOULD STAND THERE AND RE-ABSORB THEM INTO MY STACK AND DO THE SLIDE’N'CLIP, OR RE-CLIP AND STASH WHILE THE CLERK IS RINGING ME UP AND THEN DO IT OVER BY THE DOOR, OR WHAT. I’D LIKE TO GET IT ALL BACK STACKED AND CLIPPED RIGHT THERE, BUT I’M A LITTLE SLOW AND THERE’S SOMEBODY WAITING IN LINE BEHIND ME. IF I WAIT AND DO IT AS I’M WALKING OUT, THE GUYS SELLING THE HOMELESS PAPER WILL SEE THAT I HAVE SCRATCH AND IT’S HARDER TO IGNORE THEM. UPHOLDING THE ASSHOLE-WITH-A-MONEYCLIP STEEZ WOULD SAY THAT I CAN DO EITHER: MAKE SOMEONE WAIT, BECAUSE LOOK AT ALL THIS CASH BRO, OR FLAUNT ALL THIS CASH BRO IN FRONT OF THE BEGGARMANS. EITHER ONE IS ASSHOLISH.
I CAN’T BREATHE.