We’re gonna start today off with a few questions
1. How does a dog that size create such massive craps?
2. Are you ready to hear a story about the majesty of nature? I hope so, because it’s gonna end up like Wild America in this section.
3. People I know.
4. People I would like to know.
5. WTF Kiera Knightly?
6. BONUS! JESUS.
(Colin) 1th: Dumps like a truck truck truck
I am currently in the practice of dog-sitting. This is new to me. And there are a few things I need to lay out. I find it hard to respect a dog named for a Lioness. A tiger maybe. I mean a fucking tiger is a killing machine. But a lioness? I’ll sit a top a Range Rover and land headshots on a lioness and her cubs all day. Then I’ll bring them home illegally and get them taxidermed into a anthropomorphic setting of a family of lions getting ready to go to church on a Sunday morning. The mother wearing an apron, cooking up gazelle bacon, and all the cubs in their Sunday dork clothes, sitting around the table. To display such a huge piece of kinked out nature porn I would probably get a new place. Or put it in a storage locker, until I forget about and 3 years later Darrell bids on it early because he sees the wow factor in such a set up. Dave Hester would bid the bitch up high because Dave would know the value of some poached and taxidermed lions. But ultimately it would go to Barry because that dude knows some weird shit when he sees it. This is pretty much why you give a dog a proper dog name.
Also, this dog takes the massivest dumps. Human sized. And I have to pick them up. It’s awesome.
2st: Mild Awareica
I was recently in a city. And in that city was a building. And in that building there was a second floor landing. And on the second floor landing was the most majestic painting of two bald iggles ever seen outside of Brackendale, B.C. It was powerful.
So I turn to C-blast and ask her to snap a pic of it and send it to me, as my phone is out of battery powers. She did. Snapped and sent. Then she deleted it. What an asshole! Now I cannot share this majesty with you. You all feel cheated.
You wanna talk more about Animals? I can do that. Just dig on this.
I hope they let me demo one.
3nd: People I know
When I was not looking at majestic avian images this weekend, I was turning screws and helping my homey Keef hand snowboards to people. I really thought I was beyond that phase in my life, but I guess not. It was wicked fun and I got a few runs in myself.
Plus Poco, Hans G and PlanetJakerzz stopped by to talk shit. That can make most days pretty rad.
4rd: People I wish I knew:
This is a list of names of people I wish I new:
· Roger Steambreath
· Michael Goldfronts
· Les Jailface
· Coffeepot Jones
· Pull Thunderton
· Steven Filthcramp
· Kjersti Buaas
· Pickles French
· Seaver Cloggs
5st: Kiera Knightley in a low-cut dress
Why the fuck does Kiera Knightley only act in steampunk movies? Does she hate the modern era? Is it that she really isn’t that good and relies on over-the-top costume work to carry her? For real, check out this IMDB list.
I don’t know why I am even concerned with this.
A few things to cover here, starting with “CSO, chief serving officer.” Listen up. If was going to dedicate my life to modeling, acting of talenting for the jesus prints, I would want someone with connections and business acumen. Not someone who re-titles himself or herself into a submissive roll. Also she is a “late-in-life committed christian” which pretty much means she cannot be held accountable for hanging out with gay men, doing drugs, or the like 100s of dicks she has put in her mouth/vagina/anus. We can’t blame her because jesus hadn’t spoken to her yet. No no no. I cannot handle the sham that is “late-in christianity.”
Lastly their contact number is 800-STAR-420. This is all a joke right?
Fuck it. I can’t handle the sham that is christianity.