I’m not a writer. I mean, sure I type words and make marks with pens and pencils, but I’m more of an ideas man. It’s only because of my crippling lisp that I have to use words to communicate my genius. Thus, I am a writer, not a lecturer. And as a writer I have become accustomed to the ever-popular “rejection.” Both from ladies and literary outlets.
Today, I present you with my latest idea, communicated through words, that has been rejected from the pages of Real Simple magazine
Dear Real Simple Editors:
It’s been a while, eh chums? Before I progress with my surefire piece, I must apologize for the balloons filled with duck urine. It seemed like harmless prank at the time. And who could have predicted they would burst? On your new couch made of popsicle sticks and collected cat hair no less. If any amount of money could replace such a one-of-a-kind item I would certainly offer it.
But, on to more pressing matters. Below you will find easy-to-follow instructions for the creation of an Oddities Museum at home. I’m sure your readers will love it!
- Fill a Mason jar with formaldehyde, add a pair of Oakley Blades. Label this “Abe Lincoln’s Sunnies!”
- Fill a Mason jar with formaldehyde, add all of the fortune cookie fortunes you have collected from that take-out place around the corner over the past six months. Label this “Chinese New Year.”
- Hang a picture of your father before he turned to drug use to escape the horrors that were his life. In this picture he is playing flag football. You suspect he might be in fourth or fifth grade. The frame is cheaply made of plastic. Label this “Lil Superstar.”*
- Fill a Mason jar with formaldehyde, add Lo Pan. Label this “Lo Pan.”
- Fill a Mason jar with formaldehyde, add a baby (a doll would work here as well). Label this “Dubstep.”
- Fill a Mason jar will with formaldehyde, and add Zooey Deschanel. Label this “The Shittiest Version of the 1960’s We Could Come Up With in the Early 2000s.”
- Fill a Mason jar with formaldehyde, add A VHS tape of Dances With Wolves that has been taped over to record the 1992 Grammy Awards pre-show. (TimeSavers Tip!™: You needn’t really tape over this Kevin Costner classic, you can just say you did. No one actually has a VCR with which to prove you wrong anyway. Real museums use this technique all the time with things like dinosaurs). Label this “American History.”
- Fill a Mason jar with formaldehyde, add a man riding a bike with no hands. But you need to be sure the man has no hands. I mean, that’s what makes it the oddity. Label this: “Blood Sport.”
- Fill a mason jar with formaldehyde. Label this “Kombucha, essentially.”
- Fill a mason jar with formaldehyde, add a shark. Label this “The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living: the remix.”
* This piece is on loan from your grandmother.
Thanks guys. Please be sure to let me know when you’re publishing this one. I’m smelling Pulitzer!
Greg from Rumorator.com
2st: Happy Birthday Marijuana