Part 1:
In case you were too busy pretending yesterday was the 4th of July, You may not have noticed that yesterday really was Canada Day. It may also be that you know absolutely nothing of the holiday. Luckily, I’m here to help, and I’ve collected these facts from my twitter account.
Canada Day Facts:
• Expect to find barbeques, fireworks and small candies in the shape of Terese Canada (founder of Canada).
• In Canada, it’s not called Canada Day. They just call it Jour.
• The city of Canada was founded 145 years ago when Terese Canada (founder of Canada) said “Fuck it, you can have everything south of the lakes”
• ‘Tis tradition on this day for Canadians to stand at the border chanting “LOL WTF” and mocking the exchange rate.
• Much like in the United States, the land between Toronto and Vancouver is known as “the mush-over provinces.”
• Canada’s most abundant export is fuel for regressive, fear-mongering speeches in the United States (100% renewable!)
• Are you guys for real with the $450 price tags on those Canada Goose vests?
• Canada Day celebrations can often go on for kilodays.
• The Maple Leaf was only put on the Canadian flag in 1991. Before that, it was 2 red bars and Neil Young’s face.
• The Royal Canadian Mounted Police, or “Mounties,” get to wear jeans to work on Canada Day.
• Right now in Canada, there is a dude, still in his bed, tweeting Greenland Day jokes.
• Raghib “The Rocket” Ismail still wears his Toronto Argonauts jersey on this day.
• Yellowknife is blowing-the-fuck-up today.
• 145 years ago today Canadians were discovered living peacefully atop the United States.
• I asked a real life Canadian about the Canada Geese (birds, not vests). She was like “Fuck them. They shit everywhere.”
• Terese Canada (founder of Canada) named the bird the Canada Goose because it sucks and would act as an asshole deterrent.
• Brackendale, BC, Canada is the Bald Eagle capital of earth. Every July 4, the mayor calls America to remind us of this.
• Kokanee
• The state of Vermont buys its electricity from HydroQuebec, this was one of the trade terms for Emanuelle Chriqui on our TVs.
• Terese Canada (founder of Canada) claimed the shape of the ScotiaBank Saddledome was due to the USAer roofers they hired.
• Tim Horton’s corpse is paraded through the streets of Thunder Bay every year on this day.
• See attached image.
• In Canada, MCA, Johnny Cash and JDilla are still alive. DJ AM is still really dead.
• In Torontario there is a restaurant, Acadia, and there they have a waiter who will blow your American mind. He is a direct descendant of Terese Canada (founder of Canada).
The Second Part:
Bike Shits:
It’s impressive that I even made it out of the woods on Friday night :
Also, it’s wicked dry out there:
Part 2 of Part 2:
Sorry about the flash, but this is pretty important:
Tags: Bike!, Canada, Canada Day, Canada Goose, Terese Canada