It’s back to school time and that means it’s your one chance to make a good impression on a whole grip of new faces. Better make it good AND cool.
Sure, as a former TA we could discuss proper studying technics, or how to write an A-level freshman English paper (answer: give your TA blowser in the biblioteca), but there are other websites for that kind of shlock.
Here at Rumorator.com we deliver the info that is going to make your life better. Remember who told you that more junk in the trunk was a theory best left to hoarders?
Remember who told you Jonah Lehrer was for real and the media was just coming down on him?
Remember who taught you to play Cee-lo?
That was Old Rumorator knowledge, acquired over years of alcohol misuse, drug abuse and syphilitic dementia. Don’t question it. Just accept these nuggets of knowledge as the gems they are.
10 Ways to Cool Up at College
• Get the biggest backpack you can find. A lot of people won’t admit the backpack competition exists, but it’s there. Also, be sure your pack has a lot of straps for carrying a lot of things.
• Hold off on pledging to that frat until after the election. If the Republicans take power, those frat house are going to be a lot more “sexy” and a lot less “rapey”.
• Remember, there are no drug tests when you’re on academic probation.
• Listen, man, you’re going to regret a lot of things in college. But you’ll regret nothing as much as your choice to get a poster of The Doors.
• Once you have the biggest, strappiest backpack and everyone knows it, switch to a messenger bag. Stay on your toes, bitchezz.
• HOT TIP: On warm days the Porter Boathouse is like a Mecca of hot asses and bikinis. On cold days it’s as ugly and miserable as the rest of the Wisconsin.
• Find a partner quickly, before you pack on 10 pounds and white dude dreadlocks.
• Read every book you can from F Scott Fitzgerald, Phillip Roth, and Ntozake Shange, study the works of I.M. Pei and Daniel Libeskind and get ready to use all of the gained knowledge in a discussion about Zahi Hadid being a hack. This will keep you out of fights and vaginas.
• Never forget that old motivational poster hanging in your guidance counselor’s office. That one that had a picture of Kokopelli on it and read “Dance like no one is looking. Fuck like you’re on a webcam.”
• Skip class and smoke cigs.