2013-2: The Continuing Adventures of Snowboarding and the General Population

Guys (I mean this in the gender-neutral, all inclusive way), it’s just snowboarding, right? I mean yeah, there are millions and millions of dollars in the game now, but it’s still snowboarding. It’s still all about being out there, having fun with your friends and stomping trip corks. And if you believe that you are fooling yourself. This shit it real life.

Item #1
Mastering Snowboarding


Look kid, you want to get out there and really master some snowboarding? Try it like this: First, buy my book. Second, master snowboarding.

You want to know about techniques? They’re in my book. By the time you’re done purchasing and reading my book you will have mastered snowboarding techniques, like the “Turn” and the “Go Straight”.  I’m also going to show you how to do the tricks. The section on japan airs is pretty short. It reads, “It’s not going to look good when you do it, so don’t try unless you’re alone.” Of course, there is also a 47-page chapter on the method. We’ll be going over and over and over that one, so you don’t fuck it up. You don’t want to look like that fat fuck, Rumorator, and spend your junior year with desktop wallpaper of you doing a girl method, do you? Shit, I should have written this book years ago for him.

Equipment is important, so we cover that too. You think you can just show up at the ski area with Ten Things I Hate About You on VHS and a dog-eared copy of Taming of the Shrew talking about intertextuality? WRONGO, dude. Wrongo. You need equipment. Specifically boots, bindings and a snowboard. WHOA, SPOILER ALERT!

But still, buy the book, it’s packed with important strategies. Because this is Mastering Snowboarding, we’re gonna start with the basics like, “Stop sitting on the ground, like a cripple, to put on your bindings”. Stand up and do it. Honestly, it’s not that hard. I even saw that shitbag, Rumorator, do it standing up while smoking a cig.

We’ll also cover these important strategies:

  • Bury your beers in the snowbank by your car. That way they are chilled when you want them. But, be sure to mark your burying spot with a stick and remember not to piss on them.
  • You can also bury beers on the hill for later use.
  • When your getting on the chairlift, remember: goofy-footeds go on the left, regulars on the right.
  • Seriously, parking lot beers are the best.
  • Have you tried those NXTZ necktubes? Unbelievable. Whole new world with those things on.
  • How to get Hannah Teter to sign on as co-author.

I hope they send me a copy so I could see what it’s really about. I imagine it being too similar to the Skateboarding Freestyle books the library had when I was a youth.

Take note: I have never written a book.

Item #2
Perhaps with all of their book money Hannah and Tawnya can each buy a new Mercedes Benz C350 with 4matic.

Where do we start with this rubbish?

Clearly these people don’t read Boardistan. Don’t they know towing kills? This shit isn’t big wave surfing. This isn’t Laird Hamilton. There is no need to be pulled around for side hits like this.

Rob Kingwell, you and your strange accent urge the viewer to trust you that this is going to be epic. But it’s incredibly unepic. This is some wakeboarding style happening here. I’m surprised there are no white sunglazzles shown and that Brooke Geery isn’t around to write an article about it.

I guess this is to demonstrate the traction of the 4matic, but I’m pretty sure most cars could do this with or without four-wheel drive. But hey, Jackson Hole, snow and a snowboarder. It all comes together for a prefect example of extremism and why you should buy a Mercedes.

It seems Brain Farm produced this piece for MB. It’s rad that they got paid, but I kind of feel bad for them because they probably had something way cooler in mind and then the client kept pulling it back and pulling it back. Because that’s how advertising works. Good ideas get fucked over and over and over until no one is happy.

Thanks to Clara Lubansky and her twitter account for the heads up on this.

Ugh. Enjoy your weekend.

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6 Responses to “2013-2: The Continuing Adventures of Snowboarding and the General Population”

  1. hoon says:

    It was way cooler when I did this behind an old diesel Mercedes from 1975 and we recorded with a Hi-8 Sony minicam.

  2. A says:

    WHERE’S A FIRE HYDRANT WHEN YOU NEED ONE?

    NEVER MET HIM, BUT I’M PRETTY SURE DUDE WAS THE FIRST I SAW WEARING A HELMET SNOWBOARDING. FOR THAT, I SAY BOO.

  3. Rob Kingwill says:

    Agreed. This turned out way less epic than expected. But 1000 pow turns later, it was fun. We got paid. I wish they would let me re-edit, but whatever, moving on. For the comment from “A”on here- Eat a bag of shit bud. I have many friends who have died from head injuries. Say boo all you want, come ride with me in JH and I’ll give you plenty of reasons to wear a helmet.

  4. A says:

    TOP ONE BEST DAY ON SNOW EVER WAS AT JHMR. MLKDAY 1999. SUNNY AND POW. MOST HELMETS I’D SEEN UP TO THAT POINT. PROBABLY ONLY HELMETS I’D SEEN ACTUALLY. HEAVIEST RIDING OUTSIDE PNW I’D EVER SEEN (TAHOE LOCS ARE INSANE TOO BUT I HADN’T SPENT ANY TIME THERE YET). I’D PROBABLY WEAR A HELMET BY NOW IF I HAD TO RIDE THAT PLACE EVERY DAY. CRAZED.

    DEFINITELY WANT TO RETURN, SO I ACCEPT YOUR INVITE. THAT’S COOL! CAN YOU PUT ME UP IN A GUEST ROOM OR SOMETHING TOO? I’LL BUY MID-RANGE DINNER A COUPLE TIMES FOR RENT. I CAN DRIVE OUT THERE BUT I’M GOING TO HAVE TO KNOW IT’LL BE DEEP. CAN’T RIDE ANYTHING BUT SOFT SNOW. I’M INTO SWOOPING AROUND AND OLD MAN FAKE GNAR. PLEASE NO DROPS OVER HEAD HIGH, I CAN’T LAND MUCH BIGGER THAN THAT. PROBABLY GOING TO PASS ON THE BAG OF SHIT EATING TOO.

    WE’RE NOT FIGHTING ARE WE? I HAVEN’T EVER WON A FIGHT.

  5. TTG says:

    I distinctly remember doing this in high school behind the Bonneville… don’t you? Cooler then a pretentious Merc.

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