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2012-13: Mega Sprots! Weekend: How to Host the Best Super Bowl Party Ever, America

Friday, February 3rd, 2012

Let me guess, you’ve come to my blog looking for tips on how to throw the best Super Bowl party ever. And all the other blogger sites just keep telling you to “have plenty of drinks (even non-alcoholic ones, hehe)” and “just wrap it in bacon.”

Well shit, I got some real tips to help you enjoy the Super Bowl.

Make the game high stakes. Upon your guests arriving, ask them which team they are backing. Make a note of their response. Every time the Gigantes score, the Patriots fans lose a finger. When the Patriots score, Gigantes fans lose a finger.

Install flame throwers and confetti cannons that will discharge whenever there is a score, or jared, the piece of shit from the Subway ads, shows up on the screen.

Try some exotic snacks. We’ve already covered that bacon is over. Way over. So why not go way out and get some horse meat. But don’t tell your guests until after they have eaten. If you really want to take this to the next level, invite your neighbor and feed him his own cat. After the game hand him the cat’s collar as a parting gift.

Be sure to arrange the seating properly. For this, make sure everyone can easily see the television. In fact it’s better if people cannot make eye contact with each other. No one needs that kind of shame. Also supply blankets.

Every time someone says “I’m only watching it for the commercials,” they lose a finger.

Find out what station the Super Bowl is on. Now make sure your don’t get that station. This will probably anger some guests, so be sure to have Tecmo Bowl ready to play when things get heavy.

It’s a real downer to mention how many millions of dollars it costs the government to have a fly over from fighter jets. To lighten the mood I usually mention that I could stand out there and wave my dick around for like $6.

Taco Dip!

Make it an entire Super Bowl season. For the next three weeks, whenever someone mentions, with an air of smugness about them, they didn’t watch the Super bowl, or at least get a little drunkish, throw them in a headlock and tell them about America. How we conquered the Indians, created the bald eagle, and goddammit, we watch the Super Bowl. Unless of course the Super Bowl non-watcher was riding snowboards.

Sit around and wait for this ad to come on:

Then think about these dudes rolling around in piles of money:


And then think about the day Brad and I were in a scooter gang.

BTW: totally took that pic from the hometapes website.

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Posted in Madison Anti-Boredom Campaign | No Comments »

2012-12: Meanwhile, Back at the Office

Wednesday, February 1st, 2012

1th-PhotodumpThis was our rental ride. Kind of excessive. And we kind of abused it, but it was a pretty cush ride. Mega-global warming going on here. It cost me $17 to drive from Frisco to DIA. It also reminded me how much XM radio sucks asses.

Mandatory picture of the window licking bear at the convention center. I’m actually kind of a fan of this piece of art. It’s neat.

This is my boss getting down with a SpiritHood that we are supposed to be product testing. In case you couldn’t tell we are in the Anon booth. They have some ridiculous M1 goggles coming out next year. Magenetic snap-in/snap-out  lens changery. I’m curious about how hard I will have to fall to bust them loose.

This is probably my favorite Capita board for next year, although the entire fucking line is sick. Always is, to be honest. How you gonna go wrong with a woman with fangs and a pentagram on her head. Feels like a winner to me. I was all stoked to ride one on Monday, January 30th when Bloggerman, WWD, told me No media rides. Then, hours later, this floats through my twitter trough: REJECTED!

This was the saddest lunch ever.

Boss lady again. Tired, frustrated and hiding out. But hey, TRice is now riding for hOme watches!

I was at the Shag Lounge in downtown Denver, and I saw this Schlitz piece, so I ordered a Tall Boy of Schlitz. I was told they didn’t have it. WTF?

Everyone’s favorite brand: TheHundred

Then later in the evening when you hit up a friend regarding your location and this is the reply, you gotta call bullshitz. FACTS: We were in Denver, bru, in January, it was like 3 in the morning. And that is some summer, morning lighting if I’ve ever seen it. You can’t just drop these on someone and pretend they’re real-time. Up the game, friend.

This is dude is a radder. Non-stopper. As for that bandaner, that was on a stripper moments before this pic was taken. It was also not appreciated by the Banditos Motorcycle Club, who were also in the place.

This is where the trip went soft for me. In Boulder, touring a fake tea factory. This was tea bag dress is in the main lobby and nearly the highlight of the tour, until Tali started laughing at the “Teabagging Station. ” To be fair you need to picture the ridiculous Celestial Seasonings bear just dangling his balls over the Morning Thunder buffalison. Plop plop!

I did eventually  go snowboarding. I was riding Salomon boards the whole time because I was cockblocked at Capita. I always forget how fucking fast  and snappy their boards are. Their new bindings were kind of okay. Plus, I could ride their boards switch, I guess that counts for some reason. Here’s what I liked #1 The Man’s Board: Because it had juggs on it #2 The Salomonder: Because it had hardwood basketball court graphixxx #3 the Villian: Probably a better ride than the Salomonder, but the graphixxx weren’t as rad.I’m just going to assume that the person who produces these stickers doesn’t have a super mega-energy drink contract.

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Posted in Akshin sports, snowboardering | 1 Comment »

Things Just Get Weird

Monday, January 30th, 2012

This is the crew I get to run with.

I’ve been doing the Yobeat thing over the past few days.  It’s been wicked fun.  Serious hilarity every twelve seconds. You should probably read about the weekend over on the site.

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Posted in Akshin sports, snowboardering | No Comments »

2012-10: Where we talk about things

Tuesday, January 24th, 2012

Megatradeshow week:

Yesterday, I found myself at a tradeshow in Chicago that was specifically for people who do things like run buildings. It was super-busy. Filled with dudes with biznass hair. All those dudes were showing their foreheads. The rest of the uniform consisted of a suit with azultooth, or dockers and a polo shirt blasting your company name. I was not fitting in very well. On the other hand it was rad to see my work in action.

Regarding this tradeshow: If you want to see some serious corpo-big brother action, stay alert to the work of businesses offering building solutions. They can smell you.

Also, shout out to part-time bloggerman, part-time mega-marketer Andre Wenzy of Boards & Brews who was there heating it up. I said hello and we spoke awkwardly for about 4 minutes.

Contrast all of that with SIA which goes down this weekend. I will look like the stiff, but still accept your beers. Thank you.

TheChicagoManualofStyleSixteenthEdition Brown and the Mystery of the Wrecked Wrist:

Upon returning home yesterday my wrist was sore. But not that “I’ve been masturbating for 6 hours” kind of sore. Plus, it was my left wrist. I stretched it out a bit and eventually went to sleep. This morning I am in 100% crippler mode. I would guess I have 50% range of motion and gripping strength. Plus it seems like it might be a little swollen, but that may just be my perception or my weight issues.

Now the question is, how has this happened? I haven’t put any extraordinary stress on the wrist as of late. I haven’t been to a house party, so this isn’t some I-was-so-wasted-and-woke-up-with-bruised-ribs-and-some-forgettable-leaning-towards-regrettable-broad situation.

Can you solve the mystery?

Karmic:

Yesterday, in the rain/snow I was walking to work and was hit with a tidal wave of gutter slush from a passing car. Head-to-toe splashed. I did my best seakkle and just kept walking. What else could I do? The moment it happened I was going to scream, but almost instantly something stopped me. I knew it was payback. Over a decade later the karmic forces have caught up to me.

It starts like this: A 17-year old Rumorator, behind the wheel of a, oddly khaki-colored VW station wagon. It is early spring. The snowbanks are melting. The sun this time of year in Northern Wisconsin gives a false sense of warmth. In the Volkswagen, the windows are down, Fugazi is in the tapedeck, Wheeler is riding in the passenger seat. We still had enough time before work at the YMCA to drive aimlessly and maybe smoke one more cigarette. We hadn’t even left the Third Ward when we saw him. Older, probably in his 60s, standing on the apron of his driveway between the sidewalk and the street. He was breaking away the layers and layers of ice that had been forming since November.

No more than five feet from him was a puddle of spring’s thaw. Dirty with salt and sand and the debris that accumulates during five months of no street sweeping. Wheeler and I knew what needed to be done. He began to roll up the window on his side. I shifted down into 2nd and pressed the accelerator. We rocketed towards the murk with the light roar of a German car that is passed its prime, but still had the strength propel itself towards this puddle or keep pace at 90mph after a long day of snow-boarding, and would until it was crashed into a deer on new year’s day. The whir of that motor didn’t phase the man in his driveway. He keep working even as the car hit the puddle, covering him with the largest slush wave a car like that could ever create.

I imagine, as he shook the slush and grime from his arms, he turned to see the car, to hear the mo-tor, now mixed with the laughter of youth, rounding the corner and speeding away. Not once did the feeling of guilt settle over us in that car. We knew funny when we saw it. We continued laughing for a few minutes. When the laughing finally died we turned the car back towards the scene and washed that dude one more time.

That is why I had to just keep walking yesterday morning.

Artist in Residence:

Shout out to The Second Inventor of the Worm, who was awarded a residency in Gwangju, South Korea

Dude is shooting films. Blasting.

Mouthful of Metal:

I ate at Kuma’s Korner last night. I had the Megadeth burger. Still felt like a pussy.

The future:

I’m probably gonna feel like this by the weekend:

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Posted in A Very Special Rumorator, Madison Anti-Boredom Campaign | 2 Comments »

2012-9: Never Stop Living

Thursday, January 19th, 2012

So I’m about one hour into hearing of Sarah Burke’s passing. It’s a weird feeling. I can’t say that I followed her career closely, or that I knew all that much about her. But I knew of her. I was aware of freeskiing.

I spend so much of my time just busting on skiers, because in the last ten years they have tried to so hard to be snowboarders (disregard the fact that snowboarders have spent the last 35 years trying to be skateboarders). But credit has to be given where credit is due. Sarah Burke could rip:

I even have mixed emotions about posting that video. Those announcers are just horrible. But hopefully you can pick up what I’m putting down. She was good, at the top of her game and she was pushing it. So much respect has to go out to her for that.

I’m not going to deny that her death is tragic, or that I can even imagine what her friends and family are feeling right now. But I gather she lived lived her life well, I suspect she never stopped living it to the fullest.

Much like when I learned of Craig Kelly’s death years ago. It’s saddening. It’s a hard thing to lose a hero. But somewhere in that loss is a sense of pride for the hero. They were doing what they loved. They knew there were risks involved and they still progressed, because living without skiing or snowboarding probably wouldn’t be living to them.

As fans all we can do is keep them alive in all of our aspirations to want to ride like they did.

I don’t think I’m a very good coper.

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Posted in Akshin sports | 2 Comments »

2012-8: Return of THA DON

Thursday, January 19th, 2012

Hey Guys, Look who’s back! It’s Simon and JP getting gnarly and supa-wicked.

Now, just so we are all on the same train here, I’ve never been a huge fan of JP or Simon. I don’t doubt they’re riding skillzz, it’s more that I’m just not feeling their approach. Plus JP openly likes to be called “The Don,” which is some tacky-ass shit.

So I found this nugget of interesting, dropped over on the MODA3 blog:

They are releasing a trailer for a web series that won’t be out in until next season. They have named the series Absolute Jibberish, which ranks pretty high on the Frank-Lupus Hackocity Scale. It earned the kind of ranking that kept me from naming this blog Kenny Bloggins or We B Log Together.

Then again this is the industry that continues to give us:

  • Premature Jibulation
  • Jibassic Park
  • PB and Rail Jam
  • Torah Bright

But back to what we’re really looking at here. We’ve got a trailer for a web series that comes out next season. The trailer shows JP and Simon hangering out together. Blobviously they are snowboardering around. So why they fuck are the already not producing episodes of this web series? People are barely willing to wait to see real shred flicks, what makes these two think people will wait more than 3 minutes for this web series. There are 100 crews out there nailing rails and performing jibbery ever day. And tonight someone from their crew is going to go home, edit the “stacked footy”, pirate some song, put it all together and get it up on Yobeat. Sure they aren’t all amazing, but look what the Tahoe Dangerzone Crew did—ridiculous riding, insane-o concepts and all of it up within days of it getting shot.

A teaser for a web series is going about it all wrong, but then again my dad thinks twitter is stupid as well. Whatever.

YAY JIBBERISH!

Bonus: What the fuck was with Gator II’s incredibly normal appearance on Conan the other night?

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Posted in Akshin sports, snowboardering | 1 Comment »

2012-7: Ask the Editor

Tuesday, January 17th, 2012


Here goes. Wait. Stop.

Pssht. False start. You should go read megablog over at flawsyfiles. It’s a keeper, for sure.

 Now, it sould be noted that I passed a very important e-milestone today. That’s right, 10,000 twitters. 10,000 twitters, I just tossed the rig in park and I’m just gonna leave it there, idling. Not even taking the plates off it.
 

I’m sure some of you are going to be all like “WTF mate? Kory Stamper? What kind of crap 10,000th tweet is that?”

But really I think you need to check this lady out.

Classic case of girl nerded the fuck out. You never even notice her, but then one day she drops Octopodes on you and BLAWF! You’re hooked. Done and over. Plus, she is getting more and more and more attractive. Seriously. Timeline her. She’s pretty much the best thing to happen to words since Kafka on the Shore, which is the best thing to happen to words since Party Girl, which is the best thing to happen to words since the word “word” was coined.

Amazing. She ever has this in her Google Bio: bewildered Internet phenom

MammaJamma knows she’s enets mega. Adding her blog to the blogroll as well, because words are what’s happening.
I don’t even know where I was today before I learned Associate Editors name.

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Posted in Madison Anti-Boredom Campaign | 1 Comment »

2012-6: In which we discuss animals, humans and gods

Monday, January 16th, 2012

We’re gonna start today off with a few questions

1.     How does a dog that size create such massive craps?
2.     Are you ready to hear a story about the majesty of nature? I hope so, because it’s gonna end up like Wild America in this section.
3.     People I know.
4.     People I would like to know.
5.     WTF Kiera Knightly?
6.     BONUS! JESUS.

(Colin) 1th: Dumps like a truck truck truck

I am currently in the practice of dog-sitting. This is new to me. And there are a few things I need to lay out. I find it hard to respect a dog named for a Lioness. A tiger maybe. I mean a fucking tiger is a killing machine. But a lioness? I’ll sit a top a Range Rover and land headshots on a lioness and her cubs all day. Then I’ll bring them home illegally and get them taxidermed into a anthropomorphic setting of a family of lions getting ready to go to church on a Sunday morning. The mother wearing an apron, cooking up gazelle bacon, and all the cubs in their Sunday dork clothes, sitting around the table. To display such a huge piece of kinked out nature porn I would probably get a new place. Or put it in a storage locker, until I forget about and 3 years later Darrell bids on it early because he sees the wow factor in such a set up. Dave Hester would bid the bitch up high because Dave would know the value of some poached and taxidermed lions. But ultimately it would go to Barry because that dude knows some weird shit when he sees it. This is pretty much why you give a dog a proper dog name.

Also, this dog takes the massivest dumps. Human sized. And I have to pick them up. It’s awesome.

2st: Mild Awareica

I was recently in a city. And in that city was a building. And in that building there was a second floor landing. And on the second floor landing was the most majestic painting of two bald iggles ever seen outside of Brackendale, B.C. It was powerful.

So I turn to C-blast and ask her to snap a pic of it and send it to me, as my phone is out of battery powers. She did. Snapped and sent. Then she deleted it. What an asshole! Now I cannot share this majesty with you. You all feel cheated.

You wanna talk more about Animals? I can do that. Just dig on this.

The SIA meeting emails are rolling in and I’m not sure who I am looking forward to speaking with the most, but something tells me this is high on my list:

I hope they let me demo one.

3nd: People I know

When I was not looking at majestic avian images this weekend, I was turning screws and helping my homey Keef hand snowboards to people. I really thought I was beyond that phase in my life, but I guess not. It was wicked fun and I got a few runs in myself.

Plus Poco, Hans G and PlanetJakerzz stopped by to talk shit. That can make most days pretty rad.

4rd: People I wish I knew:

This is a list of names of people I wish I new:

·     Roger Steambreath

·     Michael Goldfronts

·     Les Jailface

·     Coffeepot Jones

·     Pull Thunderton

·     Steven Filthcramp

·     Kjersti Buaas

·     Pickles French

·     Seaver Cloggs

·     Boushh

5st: Kiera Knightley in a low-cut dress

Why the fuck does Kiera Knightley only act in steampunk movies? Does she hate the modern era? Is it that she really isn’t that good and relies on over-the-top costume work to carry her? For real, check out this IMDB list.

I don’t know why I am even concerned with this.

6nd: Bonus

Get with it: Actor, Models and Talent for Christ.

A few things to cover here, starting with “CSO, chief serving officer.” Listen up. If was going to dedicate my life to modeling, acting of talenting for the jesus prints, I would want someone with connections and business acumen. Not someone who re-titles himself or herself into a submissive roll. Also she is a “late-in-life committed christian” which pretty much means she cannot be held accountable for hanging out with gay men, doing drugs, or the like 100s of dicks she has put in her mouth/vagina/anus. We can’t blame her because jesus hadn’t spoken to her yet. No no no. I cannot handle the sham that is “late-in christianity.”

Lastly their contact number is 800-STAR-420. This is all a joke right?

Fuck it. I can’t handle the sham that is christianity.

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Posted in Madison Anti-Boredom Campaign, religion, snowboardering | 2 Comments »

2013-5: This Too Can be Your Entertainment

Wednesday, January 11th, 2012

I’m going to see these dudes make music on Friday at some thing called FRZN Fest.

Normally I would object to any event that shuns vowels, but I’m gonna make an exception here.

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Posted in Madison Anti-Boredom Campaign | 2 Comments »

2012-4: The 99% Avoidance Weekend

Wednesday, January 11th, 2012

Remember when I recently told you I was going to Utah? The trip went off, as was expected. The snow cover was thin and snowsharks were feeding. One of the crewmembers had his base bitten, but for the most part we made it out unscathed. But enough of the overview, lets get into the facts.

Friday:

  • Arrive at the the aeropuerto at 6am, check-in and stand in the security line for 55 minutes. Explain to security why I am carrying two microphones, a grip of wires and an envelope that read “Dossier: SLC—99% Avoidance Weekend”.
  • Immediately miss my flight.
  • Get on a flight to Baltimore, which is a route I have never considered whenst traveling to Utah.
  • Miss planned layover meet-up with Sister Figure #2.
  • Arrive in Salt Lake City. Stand outside waiting for Mofaniel for 45 minutes. Assuming that every person who walks by is LDS, I hold tight to my wallet.
  • Go to In and Out Burger. Animal Style the fuck out of everything.
  • Decide Animal Style isn’t my bag.
  • Moefaniel gets us lost.
  • Arrive at the Park City HQ after dark and have drinks.
  • Take three runs at PCMR and call it a successful day.
  • Mofaniel claims he has some magical spell to turn people into living room furniture.
  • Go to a bar that is hosting an 80s party, Assume this is what skiers are like at all times.
  • Go to another bar and misidentify a Mother Love Bone song as a Mad Season song. Talk about what a great bassist Chris Cornell was before his death.
  • Walk home and go to sleep on a couch. Proper vacation style.

Saturday:

  • Wake up convinced there is dynamite in my brain.
  • Check my wallet to be sure the LDSers hadn’t gotten a hold of it.
  • Stretch for like 5 seconds and get dressed to ride snowboards.
  • Travel to The Canyons and ride snowboards.
  • Do a jump.
  • Think about what hurts worse, my head or my right hip/ass region, which I jacked up a few weeks ago.
  • Throw a handful of pills down my throat
  • Drink whisky.
  • Head to Banditos and met A Love aka The End Zed. He does not speak as oddly as I had hoped. Go home.
  • Consider going to strip club but figure the garments would ruin everything.
  • Achieve a respectable amount of sleep in a bed with a short, bald man.

Sunday:

  • Arise walk to the coffee shop, where I buy coffee only for myself, neglecting the other 6 people staying in the condo.
  • Head back to The Canyons and meet up with End Zed and his dude Jason who can rips some shits and has a thing for needles.
  • Ride park all damn day with this dude:

  • Had a very tasty bowl of chili for lunch before going back out and regretting the tasty bowl of chili.
  • Ran a suitcase method train at the end of the day.
  • Ride home in this car:

  • Which seems to have a tendency to run over cones in parking lots and pumping some Meredith Brooks. You know the track.

Sunday night:

  • Head to Baja Cantina where Rachel is our server. Order like 25-30 sugar-loaded margaritas. At some point over the hour we were there, we found out that Rachel was Park City born and raised and had never once seen a poor person. She tried to defend herself by claiming that her family had lived in Park City for like 150 years. This had me convinced she was the scion of a fringe LDS family and only after my wallet. I openly accuse her of this.
  • Run out of the bar to vomit out some sugar. I do this in front of a women with like 8 kids. She seemed really unimpressed. I could tell by the way she looked at me so disapprovingly and thanked me. I only assume the children were all hers and she hadn’t yet read the chapter in the book of LDS Fortunes that foretold the coming of the “sloth-like man who would vomit over a rail into a car park, before vomiting every 15 feet as he strolled through the surface lot, then again in the street in front of his rented condo and finally to more time off the balcony and on to Mofaniel’s rental car.”

Monday:

  • Wake up, stretch, ride Park City.
  • Rip groomers hoping the haze finally comes off my brain.
  • Stop at Cobra Dogs, where fellow Yobeater, Tom from Maine, put together the greatest breakfast ever*:

  • Jump back to the condo and then to the airport and back to my own bed at 2am. Finally able to relax the death grip I’ve had to keep on my wallet all weekend.

Not a bad weekend

THE FOOTNOTE

* If you are visiting Park City and opt not to go to Cobra Dogs, you’re blowing it. I know I have done absolutely zero things in the past three years to gain your trust or respect, but believe this: Cobra Dogs is the legitimist. I’m not a big fan of Dogs, and I know it’s street food usually reserved for the common man, but this is so much more. The wiener is good, the toppings are super tasty, the bun even adds to the eats. If this wasn’t the best hot dog I’ve ever tossed down my hallway I wouldn’t be going on about it. But fear not and eat up, they’ve got a really great thing going on there.  When I go back to PC, I suspect I may eat there every day.

Shay’s Rumorator’s honesty box: I was comped my Cobra Dog, but did pay for my beer.

Regarding the beer: It’s was 3.2% PBR, so please don’t comment on my choice to have it at 11 in the morning. it’s essentially like drinking orange juice, but taste better when you use it to brush your teeth.

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Posted in religion, snowboardering | 2 Comments »

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