Author Archive

2012-39: You Can’t Touch This

Monday, April 16th, 2012

The pic is pretty much unstoppable. Kind of iconic at this point too. I could just post it up because it’s so fucking awesome. But really, it’s because that dude on the guitar, it’s his birthday. And not just any birthday. Señor McKay is 50.

For what it’s worth, Fugazi was the first concert I ever saw. It was at First Ave in Minneapolis. I totally lied to my parents to get there too. I had to work on a Sunday morning and then I was going to see the show that night. Naturally I told my parents I was going apple picking with A. Kobersnatch in the morning, and then I would be working in the evening.

Apple picking. WTF, right?
Shit was a top-notch parent lie. Never did pick apples with that mamajama either. That was probably for the best though, as I heard everyone else did. HEY-O!

Anyway, half a century. That’s legit. And he’s held fast to truth. So much respect.

I should say a big thanks to IanDC of Lenorable to tipping me off.

2012-38: Good Luck With The Rest of Your Day

Wednesday, April 11th, 2012

This one came to me complements of old friend and birthday sharer, L Bergs. She claims to have gotten it from her yoga instructor, but I don’t believe it.

But that’s not the point. What we really need to focus on here is the awesomeness.

The Blindness of the Woods from amautalab on Vimeo.

2012-37: LispTrack #11

Tuesday, April 10th, 2012

Recorded in the echo chamber with me breathing heavy on the mic like Jean Feraca. This one is a mess, but kinda funny.

Lisptrack #11 4-10-12 by Rumorator

2012-36: Passed Over

Monday, April 9th, 2012

1nd

I was able to get out for my first mountain bike session of the year. I was at the John Muir Trails to lay down 12-14 miles and a little time in the skillz course. I was originally thinking of heading to Blue Mounds State Park, but the trails there aren’t even open yet. Which is probably a good thing. I’m not ready for that place. One thing I learned on Saturday is that I am wickedly out of biking shape. Had I been at Blue Mounds, those horrible hills would have left me for dead. Fuck, those hills are aerobically treacherous even at the peak of bike season.

Anyway, I was out riding, feeling good, passing people, then about 8 miles in I crapped out and was passed by two groups. I was struggling. My fingers were sore from gripping the bars. My shoulders were sore. I was a wreck. Somehow I finished up the ride and wept, alone in my car. I’ve got some work to do.

But the bike was in pretty good shape. Sure, a few screws need to be tightened and the shocks still need a proper fine-tuning, but damn it felt good to be back on the trails. Hard to believe last weekend I was on a snowboard.

2th

Here are a couple more of late hitters from the Tahoe trip.

First up we’ve got Benji getting some off a man’s jump at Heavenly. I heisted this one off facebook but it’s still pretty rad.

Next up we’ve got an image from the ice rink in the village at Northstar. We’re going to play a game. Please tell me what is the awesomest part of this image.

Is it:

A: The girl with no pants on?
3: The guy in a tank playing a flute?
®: The fact that they were there together?

3nd Operation: Through Noggle’s Goggles

It’s been brought to my attention that Madison has local television stations. And it’s been brought to my attention that these local televisions stations have news broadcasts. And it’s been brought to my attention that one of these local news reporters claims to be an avid snowboarder.

I heard this and I knew had to dig a little deeper. It wasn’t hard. She claims to be of the shred on her own blog. I know what you’re thinking, “Shit, news lady is bloggermama too.” But hold on. I am concerned about her having bloggermama status.

I have these concerns because of her shred choices. First off, I think she might be running a Head snowboard and some off brand bindings. Then her outerwear choices are kind of questionable. If you’re not willing to succumb to old-shred status that you gotta keep your shit quick. Either you’re re-upping in your costume every season, of you’re going with the safety looks. She seems to be doing neither.

Then again, she’s a local television personality status and can’t get a hook-up? Where are the local reps on this. Get her on the program, so when the local news turns to her for a story about Capital-S snowboarding it isn’t a story about “snow boarding.”

But more importantly, I’m now on a mission to get Amber Noggle on the Rumorator program. This is how it’s going to happen. Over the next 8-9 months I’ll pressure Local Television Personality, Amber Noggle, to ride with Rumorator. It’s going to be awesome. I’ll make a whole series out of it—Through Noggle’s Goggles. It’ll be ace.

Dessert:

I gotta admit this is a pretty slick ad for Minnesota. Plus, the song is kind of addicting. Kinda wish they would have gotten had the snowboarderist in front of a House of 1817 backdrop.

But there is more! Did you see that band? Those dudes are solid gold. Literally, that band is SOLID GOLD. And check out Señor Hurlburt on the guitar. Dang, giving Minnesota some love from the Cleeze.

Your local Taco Bell presents 4rd Meal aka Vivir More

You know that feeling you had back in high school, about that slightly off girl in your class. Maybe she wasn’t the brightest girl in school. She probably wasn’t really attractive, maybe she wasn’t even in the regular classes and just sat in your mom’s office the whole day because you mom was the guidance counselor and that broad had problems. But yet she had those monster boobs that you couldn’t stop looking at those. She probably had boobs before any other girl and this probably had something to do with the amount of time she spent in your mom’s office getting guidance counselor-ing.

You know the girl I’m talking about right? That kind of how I felt about this mural.

2012-35: Your Recommended Daily Allowance

Thursday, April 5th, 2012

Get your recommend daily allowance of awesome right here.

Breakfast: Bloggerman/Bloggermama Oatmeal

I’ve been scoping blogs. Yeah, I’ve been scoping a couple of new ones.

This first one is from Hattie, the lady with the false rock star husband. Our enetz personas go way back—turn of the century style. I’m talking Developer. I’m talking the time BA gave us all Star Wars Avatars then had to take them away style because we were enetz assholes. I’m talking webforum days.

She’s still got heat, so you might want to check it out.

The Second is Rhys, who I’ve mentioned on here before. This dude makes me realize I need to spend about 500 percent more time in Torontario. His bikerman images are pretty great. Plus, I totally want to see the custom-made cod-piece atop which his gopro must be mounted.

Lunch: Little Donkey

Unless you live behind a rock, you should know Instagram dropped for the Android. And now that you know it’s available, you can push back that rock and c’mon out, into the now. It seems like a good weekend for coming out from behind rocks. Just ask Jesus.

Instagram was one of the last things making me want to have an iFone or iPodTouchFone. Well, that and the Van’s Waffle Sole case. Sure the iFone has cooler accessories, but the Android is just way radder. And now that I have Instagram, I can run an Android AND hang with all my friends. I think it’s a pretty cool medium that gives you a little insight into how your friends actually look at things, what they think is interesting and what they think is worth sharing. I’m pretty stoked to have it.

Plus, you get to see stuff like this gem from fellow Yobeater, Jerm (who I was told will not acknowledge Dolphin Boy for some reason)

If you’re so inclined to watch my random pic showdown with Arpodeepo, feel free to follow along @rumorator.

Dinner: Just a Fruit Smoothie, as I’m Still Full From That Little Donkey
Pretty stoked to find this image in my facebook trough. Feel the fucking majesty.

Points to note:
• How they got a Victoria’s Secret Angel model to dress-up like a cop is beyond me. But then again, they’re models. I suspect the response was, “So you’re going to pay me to dye my wings to look like some dingy-ass flag of ‘merica AND I get to cover my boobs. Fuck it, I’m in.”
• Careful here folks, we’ve got a fucking rogue chameleon-eagle hybrid on the loose. I think you can trust when nature creates something as gnarly as a chameagle© the humans’ days are numbered.
• Given the protecting demeanor bestowed upon the police officer here, we can assume this was drawn by a white man, and probably not a New Yorker.
• 30 percent chance that cop is a pedophile.
• You see those two tall buildings in the background? I thought Boots and Pam blew-up those things years ago?
• Please explain who the “us and them” are. Cops and not cops? Terrorists and not terrorists? White folks and Obama? Android users and iFone users? Snowboarders and skiers? Humans and chameagles?

2012-34: The Sweetness, or TL, DR

Wednesday, April 4th, 2012

Somehow, this is 2012.

FlawsyFiles recently made the ridiculous claim that there never was an “us” in snowboarding, snowboarding was never ripped from us and that the scene is loaded with a fake history. But I’m about to disagree.

For me it started way back at Christie Mountain, home of the Blue Hills Beast and the racialistly coded slogan, “Christie Mountain, you’re all white.” I remember seeing some dude up there with a K2 board, just blasting girl methods off anything. I’m pretty sure they weren’t even called girl methods back then. The dude was pulling tricks that were way cooler than my rawdog, spread-eagles off gutter jumps. Even at 9-years-old, I knew that guy’s shit was wicked awesomer.

I should note that at this point in life, my exposure to snowboarding was essentially through TV, and TV has always made it look like some super lame bullshit. Sure, they would show footage of Damien Sanders back-flipping off a cliff in hard boots, but were they going to show him filing his teeth into fangs (Did this ever really happen?)? Were they going to show his harem of Black Flys fly girls?

But something about seeing that guy riding in person clickity-clacked with me. I wasn’t any sort of a stand-out kid. On weekends I rode bikes and played football with my friends in our parents’ yards. We would have sleepovers and sneak out of our homes, just to see what it was like. It was boring. But when I saw that guy on a snowboard, I knew I wanted to be part of that. Fuck it, it was pretty much over. I was already hooked.

It’s like an addiction. It’s just the way some of us are. We’re simply wired that way.

I can only liken it to growing up gay—this comparison I can only speculate on and do so with no intention of trivializing the struggle that it must be to grow up gay.

But I went through middle school struggling to fit in on various sport teams. Not because I wanted to, but because it was what you did. If you didn’t join the team you were pushed even further out of the acceptable crowd. It was a crowd I was already on the edge of thanks to oversized pants, chain wallets and heroes like Steve Graham and Gilligan Yoder. So I played along, and at football games I sat on the bench waiting until the last four minutes to play.

Like all kids, I eventually found those like me—those who were just as obsessed. They became my “us.” In a way it’s where I learned what snowboarding was all about. Backyard picnic table sessions, driving around for hours to find a good road gap in Wisconsin, picking up skateboarding only as something to do when we couldn’t snowboard, and fanboying over all the new decks at the shop in August—all of that is the shit that creates an “us.”

Snowboarding in those days was accepting of so many kinds of people, so long as you were a little bit on the fringe. If you had a snowboard, you could hang. Often anyone on the shred had a similar outlook.  The school-sponsored team sports weren’t for them. They weren’t very good at free throws or interceptions. But none of that mattered, because, snowboarding was simply about you choosing to do it and the awesomeness you found hanging out in sub-freezing temperatures.

The public image of snowboarding was reckless. It was still six-year old images of Damian doing back-flips off cliffs. They kept their distance. But had the public gotten any closer it would have been worse. Cigarette smoke, white dudes with dreadlocks, missing teeth, drug use, bar fights and puke breath were par for the course. Snowboarding was as gnarly as the skate and surf crowd it devolved from, or at least that was the way snowboarders told the stories. And often snowboarding was mocked for this. Look at the snowboarder in Ski Patrol. Classic public perception. Disgusting. Being represented by a three-faced dude in a movie wasn’t the greatest thing ever, but whatever, it was Hollywood. Hollywood ruins everything.

Perhaps I am looking back at youth with a rose-colored lens, but I refuse to believe that completely. My evidence comes from the fact that it is still easier for me to talk to snowboarders than most skiers. There is something that connected this pastime to each of us, and we share that bond.

Then something happened. It’s hard to say when. I would guess around 1994, but I’m sure those older then me would say around 1990. Bob Klein would probably claim around 1982. But everyone got invited in—it wasn’t just for the outliers anymore. Snowboarding was thrown in the Olympics. Snowboarding became less of a lifestyle and more of an activity. There were snowboarding teams and snowboarding coaches.

Instead of being snowboarders, suddenly snowboarders were supposed to be athletes. People committed to making their bodies the pinnacle of performance for one task only. And just as athletes participate in their sport after school, so did snowboarders. And if they had some inherent skill, they snowboarded a little in college and then they probably stopped. Sure, if it was on TV on a Sunday afternoon they would watch it, reliving their glory days.

I love those dudes who gave up snowboarding after college. It was like hacky-sack or soft drug use to them. I particularly like it when they try to dump their 7-year-old gear on craigslist for anything more than 10% of retail.

This is what lead to capital S Snowboarding. These are the Toddlers and Tiaras Tindies© (copyright 2012 Keef Love) crowd. These are the athletes you’ll continue to see in TV ads. Not just snowboarders, but Snowboarders. They are destined to be the pretty face of snowboarding. Allowed to have just enough edge to make parents call it edgy. Shaun White is Will Smith.

And therein lies the dichotomy of snowboarding. Capital-s Snowboarding will from now on be commercial-friendly, coached, TV-ready and soulless. Meanwhile, snowboarding will be night sessions, sleeping on couches, trunk beers, in the streets and halfway into your sister’s pants. So much of snowboarding is still on the edge of Thunderdome and Snowboarding has become the Truman Show.

And I’m way older now. My body is starting to fail me. I’ll still snowboard every chance I get, and I’ll watch Snowboarding every time it’s on TV. To me, Snowboarding is my football.  These days I’m geeking out over the technical aspects of clothing and when I find someone who wants to talk about it as much as I do, it creates a new “us” in snowboarding. And then you start discussing the cuts of coats and pants and how it’s necessary that you have at least 4 jackets ready to go at anytime. When you find someone who understands you’re nerding-out 12 months a year. There is still an “us,” it’s just not found in Snowboarding.

2012-33: The Larry Bird of 2012 posts

Friday, March 30th, 2012

Coming straight outta French Lick because we got some shit to cope with today.

1nd

I’ve been going on for the past couple of days about how skateboarding is still the raddest game in town and blah blah blah. And FlawsyFiles has been doing nothing to quell this feeling as of late. But then this happened

DIRECT LINK TO THE RED BULL VIDEO OF A TWELVE-YEAR OLD KID DOING A CAB-1080, BECAUSE IT KEEPS FUCKING MY BLOG TO EMBED IT.

And suddenly I know where I belong—at home, pantsless, catching up on Game of Thrones or some shit.

UPDATE: 20 minutes after this clip was released, 12-year old Tom Schaar just melted into a globule of Red Bull, like a sugar-water Senator Robert Kelly.

2th

Little Andy Troubles was back in action. I’m gonna bag on his music until the end (or until I like it) but you cannot deny the dude is 100% ripper. He’s still smooth with a shred stick under his feet, and really there aren’t that many people who can still look good while riding with Nico.

More Snowboarding Videos

Terms or phrases I’ve used to describe Nico’s riding: Sick, Sicc, ten-point-oh on the sichter scale, smooth, so smooth, fuck your mother, like a fat man on a hover-round, untouchable, Steezy P. Martini, rad, radder, the chronicles of radderist, amazing, amazering, kalangalangalang, almond joy, cuando es mi nalgas, You know that feeling you have the morning after the first time you get really hammered after you’ve turned 25 and you essentially just shit liquid at like 40 miles per hour, like a sprinting sasquatch, the uncanny valley, and cocoa butter.

UPDATE: Dude is stylish too. I’m liking that coat he’s running, but I still prefer his Marjorie, the trash heap, neck piece.

3st

I hope these come in size 42 and with elastic waistbands. Because I can’t see even remotely fit people wearing these.

Apparently you can get them here.

Here’s an idea: if you’re going to sit down to eat your food anyway, why not just rest your plate on the ground, or on your picnic blanket. I do have to admit that this idea of food and plates at a picnic is pretty slick. Every picnic I’ve been on has only consisted of a bottle of water, a pack of Marlboro Blacks and a bag of mushrooms. And I never called it a “picnic.” I called it “blowing my fucking mind in a field outside of Washburn, Wisconsin.” I guess for efficiency of language purposes I can start using the term “picnic.”

UPDATE: I could see the Japanese and Southerners really getting down with these.

2012-32: The Legits

Thursday, March 29th, 2012

1nd
Sure it’s easy to blast the contest scene, but if you care about snowboarding you really should be reading this:

The Future of Snowboard Contests

The author, Matt Barr, really knows what he’s talking about.

Funny thing about that. I think it was about a year ago when I first saw one of his stories come up. I didn’t really know if should agree with his piece. First off it was crisp, not something I expected to be reading about the shred game. Not knowing his name from other (USA-centric) snowboarding pubs, I had to do a bit of digging.

It wasn’t long before I discovered he was working for a Journalism and PR firm. I was livid. How the fuck are you going to trust anyone from a PR firm to write about snowboarding? I know the kind of schlock PR writers pump out. Fuck those dudes. Liars. I knew this because I worked for an agency that was too heavily PR-ed. Those dudes lie more than advertisers.

So I had no respect for Senor Barr. But I also followed him on twitter. Straight up stalkerism. I was just waiting for him to get something wrong and then use it as fodder to strengthen my distrust of who was running the snowboarding.
Then, the more I paid attention, the more I realized he was on point. The dude knows his game and he legitimately cares about the shred game. He is one of us, even if I don’t know who “us” is.

At this point I can say I click just about every link Matt Barr posts up. I should probably mention that before he got into the PR game he was the editor at Whitelines, so he’s got some history. Plus, he recommends some pretty good books.

2th
I cannot wait to pull these bitches.

I think they look worse now than they did on day two.

3st: We’re still snowboarding
Saturday and Sunday, Tyrol Basin. Shredathon. 8-10 rails to bust your shins on. Or, if you’re old like me, you can hang out eat grilled meats and drink beer in 16-oz cans. Or you can stay home and watch the Red Bull SuperNatural on the couch. We all make choices, dude, choices. All of us.

4nd: The Choice of a New Generation
Glen Coco > John Galt*

*shout out to Annet Donahue

2012-31: Gonna Get You Over That Hump

Wednesday, March 28th, 2012

Metacarpus: The Tahoe Time Machine: episode 4
We need to get these Tahoe stories over with,  right? Okay here goes. Monday morning ran it up to Northstar with a full crew, eleven deeps to start with. Then we picked up Tali, Kenji, Alex and Skinny Claire (who was riding with broken collarbone. Gritty). We ripped up what was left of the backside. El Poco Lollo and I mostly rode with Benji (not Kenji) and Tom because those dudes know how to find every fucking hit in a forest. Good times, mega tree jumps all morning.

Afternoon came and we moved it over to the frontside of the mountain for a park sesh. Always fun at N*. Plus with the crew we had, there was no choice but to try to up your game. Lap after lap after lap. That’s what we did all afternoon. But we did stop for some lunch.

Then it was time to go out and get after the donkey dick that was mugging Tali and I all day. So we rolled up Tali hops on and immediately eats shit. It’s at this point that I use my concern for her well being to skip the rail and see how she’s ding. Luckily it was nothing serious, just a quick shinner.

Next run, I had no choice but to hit that rail now. So I did. And immediately skipped off, smashing my face on the snow and scratching up my favorite pair of goggles. Oh, I should mention that I also shinnered it. But we was cool, got up and keep moving, hit a couple more features and even got this fancy image on the ride-on from the EpicMix photog man.

Eventually hit the base and meet up with the crew at the 4pm meeting spot, Starbucks. Suze was there, so I was telling my smashing story to her. Then I say, “oh shit, I ripped my pants.” Then I say, “Oh shit that hole is kinda bloody.” I pulled up the pant leg to find this:

Check out the blood stain on that boot pull. The resale on these is going to be shit. Needless to say the day ended with 8 stitches, beers in the waiting room and the realization that this is the most injured I’ve ever been.

Proximal Phalange: Lists
I’ve complied two lists of things that are surprisingly easy and surprisingly difficult to do while smoking:

EASY
Cooking
Dropping a Duece
Driving
Sexting
Bowling
Stoop Sitting
Breast Feeding

DIFFICULT
Hiding in Closets
Playing Tetris
Fucking
Texting
Hiking to Flavor Country
Snowboarding
Sneaking up on the Vietcong

Middle Phalange: MusicMusic
Can’t believe this album turned 10-years old this week.

Pretty sure I had to drive to Minneapolis just to get it. Ought two. Tough times.

Distal Phalange: On Your Health
Like diplodocus

2012-30: Tahoe Time Machine Episode 3

Tuesday, March 27th, 2012

Somehow I managed to catch up on a little sleep on St. Patrick’s Day. This is surprising not because El Poco Lollo and I went out and tore up the scene in South Lake, but because we thought it would be a good idea to put off sleep for as long as possible. It was cool though. We got to hang with a couple of our Kiwi-house hosts, Tom and Tamara and USAer Jonaten. We also drank a whole bunch of PBRs talked shit, literally, for hours.

Sunday, we went back to Heavenly, but stayed on the Nevada side. I’m unsure how much snow fell overnight but the winds were blowing hard, giving us a ton of new deep spots to hit. I dumped the Cheetah for the Mr. Nice Guy. I’m glad I did too. The Cheetah kinda became a set of handcuffs after awhile. All I wanted to do was jump off shit. Besides, one of our guides Austin (not a Kiwi) had been ripping the entire time on a 147 Artifact. And he slowed down a total of zero times. Just burners, nonstop.

Speaking of burners, we were still sour diesel-less. But the one of Austin’s cohorts stepped up and was asked who wanted to make some pot smoking happen. He then proceed to pull out a full sized pipe and light it up. Now typically dudes are rolling with onies or little pocket pipes. Something convenient and won’t get in the way too much. Not this dude. He was essentially toting a centerpiece in his coat.

He then proceeded to blow our minds by loading this thing, about as inconspicuously as someone loading a shotgun in a shopping mall, and fired it up in the craziest winds ever. It was just pack, pack, snap, lit, burrrrnnnn. Directly in front of a lodge full of families eating their bread bowl chilies. That dude was a super hero.

The downside of the situation was being lifted and having to navigate flat light to grey–out conditions. I actually had to rely on some of the skills I’ve picked up in over the past 20 years. Easy-peasy.

So we slashed the rest of the day away and Lisa even fell in one time. Typical kiwi maneuver.

Day 2 was a success.

Fast-forward:
How badly do we want this, NOW: