Archive for the ‘Advertising’ Category

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Paying Bills and Paying Debt to Society

Thursday, October 7th, 2010

Taking the day off, but you can read some mush I wrote up over on YOBEAT.

While you’re over there, you should probably leave some comments. You should also click on those links to Knockaround glasses and Forum.

However, I am going to leave you with this today:

The Private Family Foundation that paid for this add would like to remind you that only minorities commit voter fraud. They would also like to let you know they went with the “Fuck a high-resolution image” option when making this sign.

The last thing we should take away from this ad is the overarching feeling that while you maybe behind some really shitty looking bars, imprisoned with two other faceless criminals, your words can forever be free. You can be your own Mumia Abu-Jamal.

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Posted in Advertising, snowboardering | 1 Comment »

BOOM!

Wednesday, September 29th, 2010

The Morning Paper

The Earthers are talking about this commercial.

It’s not that great of a commercial. It’s not cutting edge. There are no jumbo-jugged women trying to get me to buy beer. There’s no flame throwers or overturned tugboats in a desert, not so subtly telling me I’ve got a small peen. Where’s the fucking truck-porn?

Actually, its got 5-fucking-zero zero zero times more attitude than any other commercial I have seen lately.

Plus, it spawned this this image:

The photochop job is leaning towards substandard, until you factor in the mini-Hamlett ice. ACE!

The Evening Edition

I’d say that’s about a cord of wood back there.

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Posted in Advertising | 2 Comments »

Handful of Hackory

Friday, September 24th, 2010

Step one: 3 shots of Old Overholt, because this is going to hurt.

Now Watch this:

If we were playing Hackocity SkeeBall, dude just scored 100. Now you have to take into account that lifted this from the pages of Copyranter. So I’m already chest deep in the mucky-muck of Hackwork, and I’m still able to look at this and call it super weak.

This is worse than high school when Mofaniel, Hater and I used to reeneact Marlboro ads, except we used snowboards and skateboards instead of horses. Actually that that was just us hanging out and smoking.

This out-hacks the shitty choose your own adventure books  I would write in fifth grade where you would always die and I would always end up making out with Hairmetal Renee who rode the same school bus as me.

This is even worse than 5yr old me and older broder set up the Nizo super Ocho and re-enacted the final scene in the intro to Marty Stouffer’s Wild ‘Merica.

Big difference is that I was kid, not running for congress. This is some shit kids do. A proper youth learns through hackmosis, until one day they can just cut loose for like six hours on shit that comes out heated. It’s all 49% derivative, but its 51% fresh. Then they get old and bitter and become bloggermansandwomans.

Anyway Jerry Labriola is at 25% derivative and 25% bad tie and 100% hack. I can only assume Slippy is voting for him.

The Sequel

It seems The Citrus Report knows when bite the Sartorialist as well.

Thrice

9191. It was good. Not too much slow motion, I didn’t fall asleep and only like 5 heli shots in 23 minutes. However I wish I‘d used my deductive reasoning skills and deduced not to get the high def version.

This was a VOLCOM flick so out it was art-housed to fuckall. Well not quite Videograss style, but you get the motion picture. Grainy grainy grainy in many parts, completely negating the HDness. Thankfully, it never reached the dreadfully awfulness of the iFauxn users who use the hipstamatic app. Cuntos. Holga-hacks. Even though the typical Holga was really just an excuse for not knowing how to shoot a picture. “I can’t really handle taking anywhere near decent pics so I’m going to get a Diana and shoot everything at an angle, you know so it’s artsy.” I think a very similar reasoning justified the film Waking Life.

Single-minded message: get your hands on 9191 because Gigi is rad and Iguchi is in it and it’s a good flick and just because you can sext in hipstamatic doesn’t give you an excuse for that disco bush.

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Posted in Advertising, Akshin sports, Flashion, snowboardering | No Comments »

Weekending

Friday, August 13th, 2010

I am merely hours away from NEW BIKE. I can hardly even wait on that shit. Here’s proof:

And for those of you who are still driving cars, like troglodytes, here’s a tip that came to me from the internet today:

IF YOU HAVEN’T HAD A DUI, YOU’VE NEVER EXPERIENCED TRUE HAPPINESS!

IF YOU HAVEN’T HAD A DUI, YOU’VE NEVER HAD A REAL DUI!

IF YOU HAVEN’T HAD A DUI, YOU’VE NEVER LICKED NECTAR OFF THE TEET OF LEOPARD.

IF YOU HAVEN’T HAD A DUI, YOU’VE OBVIOUSLY NEVER GRABBED LIFE BY THE REIGNS AND RIDDEN IT FOR SIX DAY INTO THE OPEN WEST WHERE YOU FOUND SOME WHORE, YOUNGER THAN SHE LOOKS BUT OLDER THAN THE DREAM THAT BROUGHT HER PEOPLE HERE, WITH WHOM YOU SETTLE DOWN AND START A FAMILY, JUST LIVING OFF THE LAND AND KEEPING THE SAVAGES AT BAY WHILE YOU LIVE OUT YOUR REMAINING YEARS, BECAUSE MUTHAFUCKER, THAT’S LIVING AND YOU AIN’T NEVER HAD THAT IS YOU HAVEN’T HAD A DUI.

WTFUck is that ad saying?

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Posted in Advertising, Bike! | 2 Comments »

Snowman Cometh…

Wednesday, July 28th, 2010

Ellipsis. Suck it old boss. This is bloggerism and your Religious fanatacism has no sway here. Imma ellipsis in blogs for ever. IRL, I just SMH.

While Yobeat is over there hyping up the latest vids to be released (I warned you in the spring, it’s all cutting room floor crap), Imma gonna keep you on top of shit right here. You can officially quit glimpsing split second clips of Burton decks and Capita’s creepshow army, and gawk longingly—it’s catalogue time, MFers

So get with it, 2011 shrad is on the way. Case in point, I picked this beast up at MODA3 today. You could also read that as MODA3 2day, or MODA-Kevin McHale-day. Brand standards just went right out the window with that one. Anyway I grabbed the 2011 Burton Catalogue:

I have placed it here next to a quarter and a rumorator.com business card, for scale. First thing you’ll notice is that it’s much bigger than last year’s bible concept (assuming you can remember that far back). But oddly enough I think the weight is roughly  the same. Lighte-weight paper stock, no embossed cover and fuck those foiled edges.  It’s nice to see that after dropping about $5/catalogue last year, running short on them , and raising a ton of speculation as to why the board prices went up, Big B opted to go for something a lot less conceptual. The irony of it is I think it’s a lot better catalog, in that there aren’t themes fighting throughout, like last year, and only the premium lines are differentiated. That damn bible had a new theme every seven pages.

So lets flip it open.

Oh look, Mason Aguirre isn’t mentioned anywhere. I guess he’s cut this year. Nico gets mentioned but doesn’t get pics. Nike doesn’t own Burton, but they are kind of owning them.

The price on Jeremy Jones board dropped by about $100, or as I like to think of it $10 less dollars that is going to some lunatic pack of MOMOs. And of course he has got some motorcycle/americana motif happening. FUCK BURTON, HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE A SHITTY MOTOCYCLE THEMED BOARD BEFORE YOU REALIZE IT’S OVER? Remember when Ride was making those motocross themed KH series or whatever they were. Well, they learned their lesson.

T-minus four years until he dumps a broad’s body in the desert and they track it back to him because of the bandana.  The Gatoring continues. Brought to you by Target.

Oh look it’s the “B by” line. Great. I hope a lot of lades love this line. But most women don’t bother to try and look like girls whilst getting the shrad. So this is really made to appeal to the guys who buy their ladies new clothes. And if that is the case I’m going to make the entire “B by” line more appealing with one, masterful cut and paste.

You see what happened there?

Okay now lets move on. The women’s outerwear line has three vest options. The guys? Nada. WTF Bigga B? All I want is a vest like the AK ones you used to make. Can we make that shit happen?

Also The Nug. Fuck that. It’s called The Lunch Tray, and Morrow made it in 1992-ish.

Lastly the women’s Lipstick.

I think they forgot to highlight “Inspired by Capita” in the features. Right next to Infinite Ride, Bro.

Speaking of Capita: Click it!

And know you might be saying to yourself, “Oh but Rumorator that shit is kind of blurry.” Doesn’t matter broder. They got a zoom  and all you really need to look at is right here:

Oh yeah, I almost forgot to prop up this closer from the Burton Catalogue:

Buy local, because we would hate to see people in your community lose their jobs. Besides we outsource enough for everyone. FACT: Not one item in the new B catalog is produced in the US.

BUY LOCAL SUCKERS!

In closing, you might want to watch the latest Knife Show video if you haven’t seen it.

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Posted in Advertising, snowboardering | 11 Comments »

Work Will Set You Free

Wednesday, July 14th, 2010

Yeah, we heard this one before. Didn’t we?  [Clay Davis voice] Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeit [/Clay Davis voice]

MFers got me all corporate. I end up rolling to work looking like this on the daily:

I arrive at this “work facility” and they have parking lots. Not parking structures, but lots. It’s like those images of Kansas, where farms just have mile after mile of wheat field. But this place is a parking lot farm. I’m not sure what I do when I get inside, but I have two 27-in iMacs on a desk. They’ve disabled all of my access to forums and any kind of chat program so I usually just play the dictionary game. I bash my head on the keyboards and see what word is the closest match. Also, my email says “consultant.” Hopefully the paycheck won’t say “pawn.”

So fuck yeah I’m busy. on the other hand something like this happened in Chicago while I was on my way to watch the World Cup final at Irish Hooters.

They weren’t my pick for the tournament, but Spain fucking rules. They averaged over 500 completed pass a game. Ridiculous. End of story.

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Posted in Advertising | 1 Comment »

Thoorsday

Thursday, June 17th, 2010

My Ad Age subscription is running out sometime soon. Honestly I can’t believe I still get it. It’s like the publication that keeps on giving. But I think it has to function that way, just keep sending shit out because no one else gives a fuck. I mean anyone who has ever read ad age knows it’s completely self-serving and  seemingly 100% meta.

por ejamplo:

A couple issues ago it was about “women to watch” and no they weren’t talking about internet cam-girls. But one of the broads was this lady:

and only a few pages away we get :

Okay, so Ms. Wang’s job is to sell ad space for ABC. To bring in money. Yet ABC is probably spending money to get this ad into Ad Age. It must go down like this:

PR Firm: Ad Age, you should put Ms. Wang in your “Women to Watch.”
Ad Age: Who the fuck is Ms. Wang?
PR Firm: Doesn’t matter, we’ll buy a full page ad celebrating her achievement.
Ad Age: Fuck yeah. She’s in. So you pickin’ up the tab for this dinner?
PR Firm: Well, I think ABC is. GARCON! two more Johnny Walker blues and a couple of hookers please.
(Ad Age and PR Firm laugh in unison, Ad Age squeezes a breast of one the hookers)

Really it seems the one to watch was the PR firm for ABC that said we need to hype this broad so we can charge ABC for another ad, and don’t worry we won’t spend a dime on creative. Because Ad Age ads are the worst ads every produced. This is a fact.

Funny thing is, a bunch of these women to watch had self-serving ads. And they were all pretty shitty.

Part 2

Sorry for that ad rant. It seems A-man is the only one who cared to answer the trivia questions. He did fairly well.

Part 3

Another one from TeddyToothtaker

I should really just hand over the blog to that dude at this time. But really that video is pretty sick. There is nothing I don’t agree with in there.

Part 4

Mexico and France time.

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Posted in Advertising | 5 Comments »

Attackory of the Hackory

Wednesday, May 26th, 2010

You seen this schlock?

Seriously? I mean, it’s been out there for a while that AT&T is garbage. They’re just the empty shell of what was once a company that was mega-merica. But they chopped, flipped, and remodeled. SBC buys ‘em up, guts them and takes over the AT&T name. Why? Because SBC is/was The Southern Bell Company. And everyone knows that shit from the south tends to be garbage barged. Save for my friend Jonathan and that bloggerman that writes Burritos and Snow. Anyway SBC wanted to get a respected name. But they crapped that up too.

FACT!: The only reason SBC isn’t face down in a gutter wearing its AT&T mask is that deal with the iFauxn and the iTouchMacro (double Hister hack right there)

And now they’ve started producing commercials like this. Maybe you’re dwellting back to their rollover minute family ads and thinking, “But Rumorator, This is surely better than middle-aged mama ranting about rollover minutes?” Like anyone gives a fuck about rollover minutes anymore. I checked my statement just now, and you know how many minutes I used last month? 37. Thirty-seven minutes. Now perhaps this is due to my lispy voice—of which I am ashamed. Or perhaps it has to do with the paranoia the comes from watching four seasons of The Wire in two months. Or perhaps it has to do with the 446 text messages I sent last month.

Whatever, we gotta refocus. At least when AT&T/SBC was running those garbage commercials everyone was like “Fuck, these is some bad commercials.” But then they put out this work shown above and toss on some dude singing, in a voice that pretty much explains why kids listen to metal.

The World: Here’s your choice kid. The dude singing over the AT&T hack ad, or Agoraphobic Nosebleed.
10-yr old kid: Fuck, of course I’m going Grindcore. AT&T chump makes twee sound like it’s got a 10-inch cock.
The World: Probably a smart choice. You want some cigarettes?

So SBC/ATT&T puts out this ad like this is some sort of ultra-arty flick, but I called it out as hackory. A $3.1 billion marketing budget and I’m thinking you damn lame-os ripped off Christo. You ripped off the man who does this:

Well, apparently there was some discussion about the origins because now AT&T runs a disclaimer on the ad saying it’s got nothing to do with Christo.

BUT!

Then you take a look at this ad from Bosnia:

3.1 Billion Dollars. Dwell on it.

Meanwhilst, Imma leave you with this reading:

Rumorator 25:17—The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the hackory of sorry bitches.

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Posted in Advertising, I watch too much TV | 1 Comment »

of Floods and Zombies, or Let’s Get Corporeal for a Minute

Monday, May 10th, 2010

I was once told outdoor advertising should deliver it’s message in no more than seven words. We will now discuss the pictured billboard in two takes.

  • Take 1: There are way more then seven words on this sign. Granted it’s at an intersection where the audience may be captive for a minute, waiting for the light to change. Still I cannot imagine people reading this whole thing before absorbing it’s powerful message.
  • Take 2: I don’t even know why they bothered with words on this one. I would have just gone with the picture and AllFlood.net. BOOM! message delivered. Floods are wicked business. You don’t want this shit washing up on your front step. Or worse—in your basement. That is some Serpent and the Rainbow shit right there, possibly caused by breathing in mold spores. Or is this referencing the Great Bayfield Flood of 1942. Coffins in the street. Bodies floating in the cellars. I think New Orleans upstaged Bayfield in this department though. Heckuva job, Brownie. The key is to remember is to not fuck with floods. That’s how you get zombies. And Apparently AllFlood.net can help you out with Residential and Commercial Water and Sewage Damage and Zombie Infestation. For  real, I live high on a hilltop overlooking the lake and even I’ve put this the company’s number on speed dial. I’m not on to fuck with the un-dead.

This dude I knew, Johnnie B,  had his Audi flooded one time. The insurance company totaled the car rather than risk zombification.

I’m looking forward to the 3D release of this sign. Next month at the intersection of Wisconsin and Hawley! Kids are going to flip.

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Posted in Advertising | 1 Comment »

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