Archive for the ‘Akshin sports’ Category

2012-26: No Irish Need Apply

Tuesday, March 13th, 2012

Lets pretend for a minute that you are going to do something other than shots of crap whisky and drink shamrock shakes until you puke for St. Patrick’s

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am then of nail after that.

Day. Can we do that? Can we all stop pretending that we’re mega-Irish for the day? You wanna dig deep and claim some shit? Well dig this, Momma vR has got some Irishness. Probably claiming Country Cork or Wexford or some crap too. But she’s also got some Austrian and English and German and Cherokee and French Canadian and Bengali in her bloodstream. Shit, the Irish portion just sullies a proper melting pot. And I mean I’ve read Joyce. Fuck it. College was basically me plagiarizing The Dubliners. I’ve listened to the Pogues, I fairly like them. But I also like the Klezmatics and pretty much any ethnic music.

This is the time of year when I start hating the flamboyantly Irish as much as the republicans hate women.

Dear St. Patrick’s Day, fuck your green Bud Lights and temporary shamrock tattoos and Irish Pubs and dudes in kilts and your Cahills Porter Cheddar and all that. And please stop saying “Cheers” as rather than thank you. I hate you so much.

Here’s a better plan. Squeeze a few hours out of your day and do some snowboardy shit. This is what the dudes in Wausau are throwing down this weekend:

Knowing what little I do of Central, I can only assume this will be a 100% radder contest. So, if you’re in the area, go to it. Do some tricks, or just watch. Then get our drinks on. But please don’t do it under the guise of Irishness. Do it because

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you want to get a little drunk with a lot of friends and maybe this year Mil-One will take her shirt off and show everyone her boobs.

beeteedubs: What’s the story with that Capita typeface?

I’m pretty sure guys should not be using tumblr. Women just do it way better. Prove me wrong.

This is worth backing:
Fuck the FIS

Taco Bell® Make a Run For The Border presents: FOURTH MEAL!
Not a wholly bad hair day.

2012-24: US Open memories

Friday, March 9th, 2012


The US Open of snowboarderism is happening this weekend. Well, most of it is happening as I type and you read, but the finals will be this weekend. I don’t even know who we’re supposed to be cheering for. Are we supposed to be cheering for anyone? Or do we just stand on the side of the pipe and discuss Nidecker’s business plan for board sales in North America.

The first time I attended the US Open was in 2000. The last time I attended the US Open was in 2000. I was too inexperienced to really get on the party train. Plus I had just driven down from Burlington for the day. I had never been. I was just told that I should certainly go. Stratton was fucking way too weird for me. I swear to christ I saw a dude in a tuxedo, on stilts, juggling. I was shook. By that point in my life I had seen some shit, but I wasn’t ready for Stratton. My mouth was dry. I had a spot of blood on my jacket that had fallen from my nose.

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My ears

were ringing.

I stood on the edge of the halfpipe and watched shit go down. It’s hard for me to say who my idols were at that time. Obviously Terje. Jeffy. Peter Line. It was a weird time in snowboarding and it was a weird time for me. I had just finished living in the south. My exposure to snowboarding was minimal during that time. 2 days of riding the previous winter and limited access to shred mags. I owned a Forum. I bought it at the B-side from a dude named A-dog who I

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would occasionally see at dancehall reggae jams at RJs. I wish I could say these were made-up facts.

Anyway, I snapped pics with a point and shoot loaded with film. I got these pics of Brushie.

They aren’t good pics by any means, and A-man is going to tell me to show the lip, but they are the raddest to me. I also have a pic I love of some dude just tweaked on his Dragon (second time in 7 days I have referenced that board). Terje was there. Poaching. Daniel Franck, definitely a super ripper at the thyme, sharing the name, just blasting in my face like an adult film star, that was rad. One of the Teter brothers was on a monster board, like a Canyon 169, and he was going way over everybody’s heads. But he was strait airing, and as Louie Vito and Shawn White have shown us, it’s all about twinkle toes.

But snowboarding was different then. Ross Powers won and did so in a polo shirt. RLXXX. At some point I picked up the autograph of some broad named Leslie Olson. I don’t remember what she did, but she felt a need to tell a young Rumorator to “Dream big.” She wrote this rather large too. I can only assume this was to drive home the message.

It was weird. It was awesome. I don’t know that I will ever go back.

The following year my name also appeared in Eastern Edge magazine.


I’ve decided I’m cheering for Kazu Kokubo. Mctwist. Chicken wing.

and Kjersti Buaas, but that is because she fucking rips shit and is scandonavianly attractive.

On a sarcastic note: I really hope Kelly Clark and Jamie Anderson and Chaz Guldemond win. The Terry Richardsons of snowboarding.


Can someone please explain this too me:

500,000 people can’t be wrong! Also, she makes me feel okay about my dancing.

Le bois

Sorry about that last part. Get yourself corrected:


2012-19 Deal With My Opinion Please

Tuesday, February 28th, 2012

We’re gonna get real for a second. And I mean really real. We’re about to take it back to the get-go. Not that I want to. Fuck, I was over winter this year. I’m getting the bike all tuned up. Getting ready to shred roots and dirt and leaves and pretty much just smell like Wolves in the Throne Room sounds. But my bald friend, Colbish, sends me this and it’s all over.

So naturally I flip through it and have gripes with way too much of it. We don’t have time to get up on all of it, so we are just going to address a few points.

  • This is about snowboard graphixxx, not snowboards, not snowboarders. Keep that in mind.
  • Where the fuck is the Dave Seone art?
  • Where the dix is the Ali Goulet rally car?
  • No blue girls? Srsly guys, do some research.
  • Also, no Capita decks? Not one? They have been atop the graphixxx game for a few years now. This is a fact.
  • #46 The explanation has nothing to do with graphics. Complex, please stick to your story for at least the first 10 entries.
  • #45 Is right on.
  • #39 Should be top ten. It’s the fucking Gonz, and it glowed in the dark.
  • #38 Remember this topsheet
  • #37. I forgot about this jawn. Twas great.
  • #27 They picked the worst Seven model ever. But given that this is Complex, their choice doesn’t surprise me.
  • #26 Well that is a dumb statement
  • #24 Go ahead and call the Atlantis logo simple. But remember that ornament is a crime.
  • #20 Another Brushie, but still not the the mainest Brushie. I’m really surprised his Ride pro-models didn’t make this cut. The one with the squirrel was crazed. Also the Ride Jenni Waara was from outer space,
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    or Europe. Unsure.

  • #17 Wrong
  • #16 Right
  • #15 I found it interesting that this deck made it in but the Kemper Andy Hetzel didn’t. I like Salasnek, but Hetzel is still the World Champion. He at least deserves a nod here. Very similar boards. Now compare the topsheet of the Salasnek to #38. Now it seems double-double derivative. If it was, I’m not sure.
  • #11 Yup
  • #10 A type of classicness your mind cannot comprehend.
  • #1 Picking the Snurfer is a cop out. Dude should have just picked “all of them.”
  • Also, Lamar was so fucking thriller in the day. Szabo, Ranquet, Cardiel. Pull over, your brain is now in the broke down lane. Then there was the Jimi Scott chameleon board.
  • #22 was the wrong Balance to pick.
  • #32 and #7 are graphically speaking almost the same board and rather dull. Same with the Burton Mystery air and the CK air. Sure they are iconic boards, but more for their riders and what was done on them than what was printed on them.
  • No Twin Oujia or Two Girls? Pssht.

2012-12: Meanwhile, Back at the Office

Wednesday, February 1st, 2012

1th-PhotodumpThis was our rental ride. Kind of excessive. And we kind of abused it, but it was a pretty cush ride. Mega-global warming going on here. It cost me $17 to drive from Frisco to DIA. It also reminded me how much XM radio sucks asses.

Mandatory picture of the window licking bear at the convention center. I’m actually kind of a fan of this piece of art. It’s neat.

This is my boss getting down with a SpiritHood that we are supposed to be product testing. In case you couldn’t tell we are in the Anon booth. They have some ridiculous M1 goggles coming out next year. Magenetic snap-in/snap-out lens changery. I’m curious about how hard I will have to fall to bust them loose.

This is probably my favorite Capita board for next year, although the entire fucking line is sick. Always is, to be honest. How you gonna go wrong with a woman with fangs and a pentagram on her head. Feels like a winner to me. I was all stoked

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to ride one on Monday, January 30th when Bloggerman, WWD, told me No media rides. Then, hours later, this floats through my twitter trough: REJECTED!

This was the saddest lunch ever.

Boss lady again. Tired, frustrated and hiding out. But hey, cheap cialis TRice is now riding for hOme watches!

I was at the Shag Lounge in downtown Denver, and I saw this Schlitz piece, so I ordered a Tall Boy of Schlitz. I was told they didn’t have it. WTF?

Everyone’s favorite brand: TheHundred

Then later in the evening when you hit up a friend regarding your location and this is the reply, you gotta call bullshitz. FACTS: We were in Denver, bru, in January, it was like 3 in the morning. And

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This is dude is a radder. Non-stopper. As for that bandaner, that was on a stripper moments before this pic was taken. novolog flexpen canadian pharmacy It was also not appreciated by the Banditos Motorcycle Club, who were also in the place.

This is where the trip went soft for me. In Boulder, touring a fake tea factory. This was tea bag dress is in the main lobby and nearly the highlight of the tour, until Tali started laughing at the “Teabagging Station. ” To be fair you need to picture the ridiculous Celestial Seasonings bear just dangling his balls over the Morning Thunder buffalison. Plop tadalafil generic cialis plop!

I did eventually go snowboarding. I was riding Salomon boards the whole time because I was cockblocked at Capita. I always forget how fucking fast and snappy their boards are. Their new bindings were kind of okay. Plus, I could ride their boards switch, I guess that counts for some reason. Here’s what I liked #1 The Man’s Board: Because it had juggs on it #2 The pharmacy rx one Salomonder: Because it had hardwood basketball court graphixxx #3 the Villian: Probably a better ride than the Salomonder, but the graphixxx weren’t as rad.I’m just going to assume that the person who produces these stickers doesn’t have a super mega-energy drink contract.

Things Just Get Weird

Monday, January 30th, 2012

This is the crew I get to run with.

I’ve been doing the Yobeat thing over the past few days.  It’s been wicked fun.  Serious hilarity every twelve seconds. You should probably read about the weekend over on the site.

2012-9: Never Stop Living

Thursday, January 19th, 2012

So I’m about one hour into hearing of Sarah Burke’s passing. It’s a weird feeling. I can’t say that I followed her career closely, or that I knew all that much about her. But I knew of her. I was aware of freeskiing.

I spend so much of my time just busting on skiers, because in the last ten years they have tried to so hard to be snowboarders (disregard the fact that snowboarders have spent the last 35 years trying to be skateboarders). But credit has to be given where credit is due. Sarah Burke could rip:

I even have mixed emotions about posting that video. Those announcers are just horrible. But hopefully you can pick up what I’m putting down. She was good, at the top of her game and she was pushing it. So much respect has to go out to her for that.

I’m not going to deny that her death is tragic, or that I can even imagine what her friends and family are feeling right now. But I gather she lived lived her life well, I suspect she never stopped living it to the fullest.

Much like when I learned of Craig Kelly’s death years ago. It’s saddening. It’s a hard thing to lose a hero. But somewhere in that loss is a sense of pride for the hero. They were doing what they loved. They knew there were risks involved and they still progressed, because living without skiing or snowboarding probably wouldn’t be living to them.

As fans all we can do is keep them alive in all of our aspirations to want to ride like they did.

I don’t think I’m a very good coper.

2012-8: Return of THA DON

Thursday, January 19th, 2012

Hey Guys, Look who’s back! It’s Simon and JP getting gnarly and supa-wicked.

Now, just so we are all on the same train here, I’ve never been a huge fan of JP or Simon. I don’t doubt they’re riding skillzz, it’s more that I’m just not feeling their approach. Plus JP openly likes to be called “The Don,” which is some tacky-ass shit.

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So I found this nugget of interesting, dropped over on the MODA3 blog:

They are releasing a trailer for a web series that won’t be out in until next season. They have named the series Absolute Jibberish, which ranks pretty high on the Frank-Lupus Hackocity Scale. It earned the kind of ranking that kept me from naming this blog Kenny Bloggins or We B Log Together.

Then again this is the industry that continues to give us:

  • Premature Jibulation
  • Jibassic Park
  • PB and Rail Jam
  • Torah Bright

But back to what we’re really looking at here. We’ve got a trailer for a web series that comes out

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next season. The trailer shows JP and Simon hangering out together. Blobviously they are snowboardering around. So why they fuck are the already not producing episodes of this web series? People are

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barely willing to wait to see real shred flicks, what makes these two think people will wait more than 3 minutes for this web series. There are 100 crews out there nailing rails and performing jibbery ever day. And tonight someone from their crew is going to go home, edit the “stacked footy”, pirate some song, put it all together and get it up on Yobeat. Sure they aren’t all amazing, but look what the Tahoe Dangerzone Crew did—ridiculous riding, insane-o concepts and all of it up within days of it getting shot.

A teaser for a web series is going about it all wrong, but then again my dad thinks twitter is stupid as well. Whatever.


Bonus: What the fuck was with Gator II’s incredibly normal appearance on Conan the other night?

LispTrack #4–White Lightning Noodles

Thursday, December 8th, 2011

Apparently I only blog on Mondays and Fridays

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now. WTF, right? Anyway, I think I made some sense on this riff on Sean Blanco. LispTrack #4 by Rumorator


Monday, December 5th, 2011

Hey kids, you wanna buy some naked pics of that snowboarder?

I have said it before and I will say it again: Sean Blanco is the next Gator. That blond is lucky she hasn’t been discovered stuffed in a surfboard sack and dumped behind the Burton Store in NYC. Then again she hasn’t been identified, so she could well be missing.

I also like the report that Senor Blanco was all like “C’mon guys, I’m a gold medalist. Erase those pics or Target is going to get pissed. C’mon guys, erase those pics, or I’ll dump your body with hers. C’mon guys please.”

They he turned to the unnamed blond and demanded $89,000 just for showing up in her vagina.

Meanwhile all the photosnappers were like, “Totally, Sean. Totally erased.”

Yeah right, YEAH RIGHT. The “it’s erased” line is just a reflex lie at this point. Like “No, I wasn’t sleeping” or  “I only had two girl scout cookies”, ” or “Oh yeah I’ve been with tons of womens.” I remember lying to Lizzo from writing class about those pics being erased. And they were, after we copied them on to like ten computers. Those were the hottest 1.2 Megapixels images ever. But really “it’s erased” was first muttered 7 seconds after digital cameras were invented. It would have been sooner but those early cameras took forever to process anything.

Masticating factor: Shawn White is irrelevant to snowboarding.

English Lessons

Tuesday, November 22nd, 2011


It happens every so often that snowboarding (the media, the industry, or even the act itself) tries to convince us that there is something going on in the UK. I’m pretty sure the powers that be over there are were thinking, “well I guess it’s time to make another run at this snowboarding game.” I mean it must kill them to think snowboarding is just one more thing the Scandinavians are better than them at doing. Add it to the list:

• Exploration without wiping out autochthonous culture.
• Fjords
• Fjolklore
• Automobile manufacturing
• Church burning
• And now snowboarding too

They’ve tried quite hard to convince us UK shredding was real. They have magazines about it. They have Matt Barr. And it only makes sense. In the grand “Keep Snowboarding Rich and White” theme, OF COURSE the UKers would be involved somehow. Those MFers know racism and classism. You would

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know this if ever listened to an album from the Streets, or watched Precious: A movie based on the novel Push, by Sapphire. Stay focused on the shred though. To me, the only rider out of the UK with staying power has been Jenny Jones.

Then I did a little research and found out she is only #3 in the realm of UK shredlegends. I was looking down the list, not recognizing any names until I came to The Real Jenny Jones. I was thinking, “Who the fuck could possibly be bigger?” Part of me was convinced they were going to claim Terry Hawkenson as their own.

Instead I’m confronted by Steve Bailey in #2. I remember that dude. On the Division 23 team. Blasting monster shifties and rocking chain wallets and maybe white dreads if I remember correctly. Oh shit, that was Steve Blakely. I was way off. I have no clue who #2 nor #1 is.

But this latest push is crazy. They send over Jamie Nicholls to win some rail jam in Tokyo. This dude was raised on dry slopes. He’s never actually been on real snow. I imagine he was like the tour guide I in had in Hawaii asking what snow was like—“Can your animals go outside in it?” It must have blown his mind to have to wear a jacket and snow specific pants. WHAT ARE THESE THINGS I AM SLIPPING OVER MY HANDS? GLUVS? Then again, he probably just associated it with Japan. That place is wacky.

Really though, the kid rips.


Fun fact: Jamie Nicholls is represented by Octagon. I wonder if the people at Octagon feel cheated whenever they see the previews for the ABC show Revenge. I like the idea of Octagon-ers thinking, “Those MFers just heisted our “8 as G” motif. And they’re using a serif font as well.”

To make matters worse that show looks like a crap hybrid of The Fugitive and Desperate Housewives. Blah blah blah strong female lead. Whatever. It supposedly takes place in the Hamptons, but there is a serious lack of talk about the hard luck that has fallen on the fishermen. No talk about how they can’t sell no stripers. No luck in swordfishing out there.

Small business Saturday. At first I was not backing this at all. Some fucking corporate propagated do-gooderism-autofellatio. But then I found out my local shop, MODA3, was involved. I still think it’s corporate crap, but if there is a way I can take advantage of it, I’m going to. It works like this.

1. Register your American Express card. Just do it. They know everything you spend money on already, so why not take advantage of this little perk.
2. Buy a new tee-shirt or beanie or whatever it is you’re aching for, but spend $25 and toss a little money at one of the raddest shred and streetwear shops in the Midwest. Fuck it, they might be the raddest. PERIOD!
3. Get a $25 credit from Amex. SNAPPED! Free t-shirt or beanie or 420kit or just $25 off those killer Stussy vests.

Still corpo to fuckall, but at least you can support a good shop. So whatever I guess.