Archive for the ‘Bike!’ Category

2012-72: Cuyuna Weekender

Wednesday, October 17th, 2012

1rd: Musics

Before we get down to business, we should cover over this:

Nice to see Mike Noyes get the male and female lead in this one. Tyler Perry would be stoked on his skills. Or Eddie Murphy, or Martin Lawrence. Anyway, there is some ending of The Dark Crystal shit going on. But with fewer Skeksis.

2st: Wolves

We’re going to get to it soon enough, but I also want to address the fact right now, people in Wisconsin are legally hunting wolves. WTF does someone do with a wolf carcass? Not too many are eating that. I have no clue what to do with a dead wolf. Supposedly there is a wolf problem in Northern Wisconsin. Seems like we got that one backwards.

If you care to, please cruise over to this dude’s blog. Read up and dwell upon these animals being

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killed strictly for sport.

Part 3nd: Bikes

College cronies and I have been trying to make a bike trip happen all season. Finally, I pulled the trigger and set a date. No one else was able to go except for the Goose. That dude has heaps of free time because he has no house, no kids, no pets, his family was killed on an African safari gone bad, and he tells women he’s really not into labeling their situation so he has no qualms with kicking a lady out of bed to go ride bikes.

Judge the guy all you want, I was more than happy to have the company on this trip.

We were headed to Cuyuna Country State Recreational Area in Crosby, Minnesota. That place is way north. It was like a $100 trip in Gojira. And when you’re driving north from Minneapolis there are a few things you can count on seeing, like Arby’s restaurants, places selling ice houses (to sit in whilst fishing, not the beer), and lakes. There are also some things you never really think you’re going to see. That list could be pretty much endless, but one thing you need to take off is “a boat hitting a car.”

So this is how they do it up there.

Wrap your brain around whatever happened there.

We made it to Crosby and I have to be honest with you, they could

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use some more signage around the town. We had the Googs telling us we were within like 2000ft of where we wanted to be, but we couldn’t find it. We stopped at gas station to ask directions and the teenage girl behind the counter was all like “Oh I’ve heard of that place, but I’ve never been there.”

“Girl, it’s woods with trails through it, really fucking close to where you work. Where do you go to underage drink after curling matches or on your smoke breaks?”

Eventually we found the campground, set up the tent and got ready to ride bikes.

The connector trail runs right through the campground, which is amazingly convenient. We hopped on and in about 5 minutes found ourselves on paved trails. Fuck this. We ended up riding that paved trail for 4 miles, cursing the entire time. I couldn’t believe I drove 8 hours for this shit. Then we found it a little trail, well hidden, that dipped off to the right. From that point on it was on. Super fast rolling trails along old mining pits, solid climbs and great down hills with turns and berms and fun shit on the way down. Not that it’s important but I also found the iron-laden, red soil kind of cool.

We made it back to the campsite fully pleased with the choice to come here and ready for the Sunday rides. Goose and I are excellent outdoorsmen, so we at our dinner of thai curried tofu and brussel sprouts strait outta the Whole Foods deli containers. For anyone wondering how the 3+ months of vegan is treating me, I also ate apples, bananas and cashews. I’m really feeling good about this life choice. We all gotta have one thing we’re feeling good about, right?

After food, we had drinks and more drinks and went to sleep. I awoke when daylight started filling the tent. I shuffled about in the sleeping bag to pull out my phone to check the temp. 38 degrees. Cold night to be in a tent. I look over at Goose, who has stripped down to boxers and a tee shirt and is sleeping with his arms across his chest for warmth. I should also mention he’d kicked his sleeping bag down by his feet and was directly on the floor of the tent.

As I’m looking at him thinking dude must be freezing, his sleeping body shivers. I’d never seen a sleeping person shiver before. It was funny. Being the good friend I am, I pushed his sleeping bag further away from him.

Sunday we headed back to where we found the goods an were ready to ride. Then we ran into some dude on a fat bike who was telling us about one of the local trails, Sand Hog being named an IMBA legitimized flow trail. Capital B bikes. He told us there were only four in the world. Then he proceeded to tell us to go elsewehere. Not in a surf nazi way, but more like, “Listen you need to go ride this other shit. Sand Hog is fun, but this section is the real deal.”

So we went over to ride the Yaakee zone and it was great. All the trails are loops so you take off and return to one parking lot on every trail. We found some good tech trails and a lot of great areas to just zip through. Plus, I almost hit a dog. He was just running feral on the trail. I came around a corner and he was coming at me. Complete disregard for the one-way signs. Almost took me off the bike.

There are a few pics floating about and I found a clip from the bobsled trail that doesn’t so it justice, but lets you know a little bit of what is up. But belieber me, it was rad. Gonna get a weekend set up for next year too. Maybe more than two of us will go.

This is a good sign to see

As you can gather from my front wheel this does not end well.

This video is over a year old. It’s still rad, just not as rad as it is today.

2012-56: The Parking Lot Hustle

Wednesday, June 27th, 2012

I park my bike in a basement. The bike rack I use is usually empty except for one other kinda-flesh-toned bike that looks like Eva should be riding it. And by that I mean it looks mildly Dutch. There are three or four other racks, not that many people in the building and no one is really expecting the guys from the gaming design joint to ride bikes, so space is far from limited. But lately there has been a lot more activity on my rack.

This increased activity has caused two disturbances in my day. First off, I feel this need to start locking up my bike. Yeah that’s right, for the past year I haven’t even been carrying a bike lock with me. Just rawdogging on the rack. Fuck it, you know. I knew the crowd that camped out down there. It was a risk I was willing to take. How much is it worth for me to not schlep a bike lock around. Or to spend 30 seconds locking up the rig. Apparently about $650. Or at least that is what I was willing to risk. It’s like how you drop the insurance on your cell phone after your contract is half over.

But now I’ve blown my spot. You guys wanna know where you can steal bikes? I got some insider info. Reminds me of the time The Times did a travel report on Bayfield. The reporter was reporting about the small town-ness. The folksy-ness. The old salt, seaside-ness coupled with midwesterly humbility. About how Bayfield is a place where people still wave at neighbors and don’t lock their doors. Then BOOM a week later, a mega-rash of petty robberies. I am to the Times as my bike parking zone is to Bayfield.

The other disturbance has been people parking in my spot. End of the rack, towards the west end of the building. That was my spot. The other day I was grabbing my bike, and I ran into the guy who was in my unofficial spot. So I dropped the small talk, “so you’re the one parked in my spot” on him.
His response in non-native English made me feel like an asshole. Then I had to explain to him that it was a joke.
Now I walk down there and see this:

Dude backed it in. He parked his bike getaway style. Juvenile. He calling me big daddy.

Methodology of this reminds me of those dudes who drove trucks  during the grammar school days. I kind of grew up in the center of trucksterism. It’s certainly an -ism that has recently flared up in me. Dudes had trucks. These was dudes who came from some pretty brokedown shit, but they had some big trucks. Lift kits and chrome tips. Just the strait-up adolescent proxy of flopping your cock out and asking the art teacher to measure it. Dudes was always parked getaway style. And I had my Volkswagen station with trigger finger door handles that never worked right in the winter and the stereo that could be turned on without the keys or the cars being on, a fatal flaw for the battery, and given this you’d think I’d be parking getaway style more often. You know, for easier jumper cable access. But nope. Not my style.

I hope that dude’s bike tips over.

Hey music industry you want people to pay for your product? Here’s one good way to do it:

How the fuck you gonna turn that down? It’s like dollar silos night.

2012-51: Memorial Day Bike Ride Recappery

Tuesday, May 29th, 2012

Part Une:

Sometimes I gotta wonder where my mind is. 90 degrees, humid to fuckall and I’m gonna go bike some trails I know nothing about. All I’ve heard is they aren’t lung busters, and they reward you for being technical and having cajones. So, you know, forget the heat index. Forget the holiday weekend diet of crap foods and gallons of beer. Forget that fact that I’ve only been on my rig like 4 days this year. I strapped on my cajones, watched a few YouTube videos about how to get technical skillz and hit the trails.

I landed at Lowes Creek Country Park and immediately had to head back out because I didn’t have $3 to pay the trail fee.

I grabbed some cash and made my way back to the park. Naturally, there were no trail maps left in the box labeled “Trail Maps,” so I had to head out into unfamiliar territory. The oppressive sun, the strange trails, warning signs all over the area that read “I stand with Scott Walker” and the uncertain future all had me feeling like Charles Marlow.

So I went out and rode trails. I saw only 6 other riders and only from a distance. Being out there in the heat was like a death wish. But I rode the shit out of that place for about 90 minutes. There were some cool features. Like this for example:

I have dreams of people hitting shit like that after a slight rain and just sailing off the edge. What lies beneath—pain, sadness, small gardens of illegally grown marijuana—only a few have lived to tell about.

Then later I came to this:

Again, I’m sure this zone is wicked fun after a rain.

Part Two:
I decided to hit up Blue Mounds State Park for a Memorial Day ride. Again, the humidity levels were disgusting, but the temperature was lower, so I figured I would be fine.

I arrived at the park and ended up riding the yet unfinished Pokerville trail with two strangers. They were both on 29ers and thus felt the need to bust jokes on my bike. These guys had probably 15 and 25 years on me. They were oldies, and I was immediately lessoned. How they rolled that place so quickly is beyond me. It strikes back to one of my frustrations with Blue Mounds—it is so hard to keep any sort of momentum. That place is all rocks and roots and will destroy your fucking tires and body. It’s masochism on a bike.

By the time we wrapped the Pokerville trail, One guy was a million miles ahead, the other blew a tire and I was on my own. I took to the other trails when the thunder started rolling in. I was here when the rain started:

But I kept going. The rain never came down too hard, it eventually stopped and the sun was peaking out again. That means it got st-st-steamy. The kind of steamy that fogs the glasses on your friggin face. It was gross. But I made it out.

My legs are dead today.

2012-50 The Coming Summer Madness

Tuesday, May 22nd, 2012


This is how you crash a blog:

Spend like 75 hours a week thinking about work. Come back the next Monday and do it all over again. BOOM! Blog

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is trashed. Forgotten upon.

But I’m gonna keep this shit on life support. So until someone pulls the plug, please bear with me.


On my walk to work this morning I saw this:

I felt bad for just snapping a pic of some kid on a unicycle. But how else is he going to learn, if not for public embarrassment?

But my story does not end there, while on the same block I saw two other people riding towards me on the sidewalk. And it was ANOTHER KID ON A UNICYCLE. Dos Unies in the mornin’? I was not ready for that. I could tell it was a unicycle from like 200 feet away by the ridiculous amount of work the dude’s legs were doing. There was also a fair amount of arm flailing. And again, the rider seemed to be with his father, or some sort of father figure.

I’m unsure if the schools were having some sort of unicycle day or what, but there are several issues that need to be addressed. First off, sidewalks are for people. Cycles of any kind are to be on the road. Also, someone needs to crush whatever hopes and dreams these kids have in mind with their unicycles. I would assume their parents would do this, but they clearly aren’t. This is surely the disintegration of family values the right wing is always talking about.


I’m trying to do something with this:

The father from Out of This World was just like Marty McFly when he donned the radiation suit to command 1955 George McFly to date Lorraine, except he had

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way better B-boy moves.


It’s a good day for old music:

You needn’t watch the whole thing. You can grasp the awesomeness that was the early oughts in the first 5 minutes. Get more here

2012-21: White Snow Black Metal

Friday, March 2nd, 2012


As I do so often lately, I found myself talking about black metal with GooseFeather yesterday. We were sharing a chat-sesh and watching Satyricon videos. From there, we began discussing the bandmember Frost, which is a supa-metal metal name.

Then we started creating our own metal names. I guess he wants to been known professionally as Goosepocalypse, which is legit. I have my 2012 metal names reduced down to:
• Death Strider
• RealFakeBlood
• Abort! Abort! Abort!
• Octopodes
• Lacerator
• Rick Santorum
• Flesh Bellows
• Draeg Scotter
Milk Money
• Bloodangel
• Mulch
• Ligature
• Unending Closure
• Doyen Specula
• Mustelidae Martes Martes
• When I was Six I Had a Pet Goat Who Spoke To Me and Taught Me the Ways of The Ancient Ones And Told Me To Gut Him and Use His Entrails as a Scarf Because the Coming Winter Was to be The Coldest the Earth Has Ever SEEEEEEEEEEEEEN, or just Six Goat Scarf for short.

Vote early and vote often on this one.

I’m trying so hard to not acquire tee shirts lately. But it’s tough when this gets released:

And big thanks to jhamlett for ordering this for me.

Which brings me to the next item. How do I pronounce jhamlett? If I’m going to reference the dude, I should know how to say his name. So, do I call him Jam-let, or is it Jaamlet? I like the second option, because it sounds like Omelet. Also, this pronunciation and the spelling of his name give him a slight Indian (subcontinent, not first people) tweak.

Makes him more mysterious. Like “Fuck dude, if there is anything I have learned from pop culture, it’s that the Punjabi are not to fucked with.”

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Bike pants!
I want the Levi’s commuter pants because I love communting or something. Don’t believe me? Check out Rhys Hastings bloggery.

El Dia De Los Muertos

Tuesday, November 1st, 2011

Chapter 1: WINTAR

Seriously, where is this shit? Both coasts are getting hit. First it was the Tahoesies and Cololame-os getting some, and then UMS became CMS in a wicked blast of winter weather. SHOUT OUT TO NAT V!

Where the shit is my wintar weather?

Maybe this is for the best. I still need to find some boots. Actually, I don’t even need to find boots I just need to get them or something. Salomon Fdueceduece, where you at?

On the other hand, I got the winter ride ready to go. Just need to pop on the studded tires and fenders. But this did happen over the weekend:

I don’t even know where those GT toestraps came from. Clay Davis says “Sheeeeeeit.” Just a pile of parts, all stripped off.

But now, $100 in, I’ve got this:

Clearly, I still need to peel off some stickers and all, but it’s pretty much theft-deterred right now. I say that but someday I’ll come to find my radio missing and battery gone. Ahhh…not really.

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I’ve got indoor bike parking at home and at the office. This is just how Madison rolls. How are you not going to have indoor bike parking?

Seriously, I don’t even lock that shit up. Just lean it against the rack. It’s like Micheal Moore’s Canada up here. Plus we can carry guns now, so there’s that.

In other news I have no trivia on Tuesday nights anymore, so that has me

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lost. I’m lost-aez bru.

capítulo uno: papá

Twas poppa vRs birthday on the 26th. I missed it. I’m a horrible son. So Imma let him buy me dinner tonight to make up for it.

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Also, it was halloween. The greatest thing I saw, apart from Murs making raps, was a panda, sans head, getting real raw with a slutty nurse on the dance floor (street, as the concert was outside). I should also note the slutty nurse was wearing the missing panda head. It was fucking amazing. I want to go back in time, take acid and watch it all over again. Of course if the was the case I would also go back in time and stop freshman-in-college Rumorator from getting down with like 4 of the first 5 girls I got down with. Just pull him aside and let him know, “It gets better, kid. Your gonna stop wearing those Phish shirts soon, and watch what you’re drinking, you’re getting college fat.”

Dan Savage could have had an “It gets better” campaign for me regarding the women I surrounded myself with. Shudder.

I also would then say “Listen to this album with a candle burning and you’ll see your entire future,” just before handing past-me a copy of Dr. Octagon’s The Octogonecologyst.


Tuesday, August 2nd, 2011

Part one:

I’m pretty sure that’s poop on my tire:

What I don’t know for sure is

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if it’s from a human or some other beast.

The next part one

Maybe you’ve heard of Capita Super Corporation. Maybe you’ve heard the full trailer dropped today and people got all bonered about it.

I’m pretty sure the most entertaining part is Old Snowboard Realms himself getting named Texas Long Balls. That’s funny.

Plus that dude is soooo tall. A-man tried to get a picture of him in Whistler, but he didn’t fit in the frame. All we got was a pic of his boot. Luckily, someone snapped this pic of him hanging out with a friend.

There probably won’t be enough Sean Whyte in this video.


What’s it going to take to get coaster brakes installed on a mtn bke the winter?

Thursday Factory

Thursday, July 28th, 2011


Chief lady over at yobeat claims she’s on this coupon kick these days. That’s doesn’t seem very shradtastic, or maybe it is. Getting shit on the cheap, seems quite in line with the snowboardering lifestyle.

Anyway, I was thinking she should start a new coupon forum. In fact, I would be willing to sell her any of the following names for like $5: 

• Full Clip
• Shit I don’t normally buy
• Stockin’ Up!
• Tampons by the ton
• What’s the real value?
• Savvy shopper
• Yo Expiration Date
• Redeem the dream
• Mtn Ops
• Couponorator

I kind of feel like any other those would be a gold mine.


ATTENTION READERS: RAEN OPTICS is in action. The Encinitas, CA-based boutique eyewear brand, R A E N optics has the 2012 season in full focus with today’s launch of their new website. A fresh look with optimized user capability, R A E N invites the World Wide Web to explore art, culture, fashion, and one stellar lineup of
 hand-crafted optics.

I really try not to be a shayboarder shill, but this is eyewear we are talking about. These is specs. These is glazzles.

Please feel free to send me the Vida Model in Brindle Tortoise and the Underwood RX in Froth. I will get you my prescription in a few minutes.

You wanna put me on your ambassadors program? Iz cool. I will blast the shit our of your glasses every damn day. So long as they are large enough to fit on my head.


Maybe toss in a pair of black and white Myopia, you know, for the broads.


The Madison estate is almost ready to. Pics will follow. I need a friggin’ dirt jumper, just look at these trails waiting for me to fall down and bleed on:


Slackberry pics

24 women in black dresses in an SUV

Wednesday, July 27th, 2011

It’s like a clown car of whores

Fuck it. Clown shoes. Joke show. Tom Foolery.  This is the place I now live.

And I thought it was weird when I passed a dude unicycle-commuting.


Monday, June 27th, 2011

Please, tell me how

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Whistler is not the greatest place on earth.

This Is Kokanee Crankworx 2011 from Crankworx on Vimeo.

Still on the Hunt for a place in Madison. Anyone wanna buy an estate in Milwaukee?