Archive for the ‘I watch too much TV’ Category

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Hollyshouldn’t have.

Monday, August 9th, 2010

I watched “The Limits of Control” last night. Well not the whole thing, I fell asleep several times throughout it’s run. And I get it, it’s a movie that is a study of movies that have already been made, and it’s study in color, and it’s a study of who we are as viewers. Whatever.

It wasn’t enjoyable. I like films the melt my mind a little bit, but I also want to enjoy them. I want to have some desire to dig deeper into the story. Fuck, I just want to care. I’m just going to toss this one onto Bill Murray’s insomnia correction collection. Ghostbusters 3 better get made pronto because I am growing weary of sleeping through Murray’s mature works.

Now, I’m not saying there is no space for non-mainstream cinema, but a few things have to be done.

  1. Make it interesting.
  2. Make it interesting.
  3. Make it interesting.
  4. Make it Korean.

And there it is. Movie making success in four easy steps. I bet those dudes who made The Waterhole hit at least three of points of advice.

Kind of reminds me of Wes Anderson movies and snowboard flicks. The premise is rad, and the music is going to be good, but until they start speeding those things up I’m going keep sleeping through them. Even the dudes over at the Dangerzone know what to do. They swoop in, drop some fucking shrad radness on you and get the fuck out. Plus when vids are under 10 minutes it’s way more acceptable to watch it whilst you are working. Of course ELud is the exception to this rule because I heard the dude watched the entire Ken Burns’ Civil War series while at work last week.

Then there is this sonsabitch, parking like he owns the place.

Actually, I think that is the most considerate parking I have ever seen in Milwaukee.

Trivia tonight, MFers. You should be there.

Also consider yourselves warned, the advent of a new bike is upon us.

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Posted in Bike!, I watch too much TV | No Comments »

THE RAGE!

Thursday, August 5th, 2010

I mean this is pretty much how it is in here this today.

Up next. Figure With Meat.

"I kind of like that one, Bob. Leave it."

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Posted in I watch too much TV | No Comments »

Like the Salmon of Capistrano

Wednesday, July 21st, 2010

I can’t believe a year has already passed since we last had to face this shit. None the less, it’s back. And there is even more  mind-blowing counting-to-potato then ever.

Let’s watch:

Now we’re going to go through this one together. Remember to turn the page when you hear the magic magnet chime.

  1. “Magic in the air. Comradery (camaraderie?), family, love”–C’mon really. This is how you follow up calling magnets miracles? Fuck, boss. I’ve been to music festivals and they always suck 4 hours into them, after you see your high school art teacher drunk and fighting kids younger than you in “the pit.” jocko/juggalo. Same mentality.
  2. You’ll meet people from everywhere which includes Minnesota, Connecticut, and Nova Scotia? Sounds like there are going to be a lot of white folks there.
  3. “You’ll Probably get laid.” I’m pretty sure Mel Gibson just got in heaps of trouble for essentially saying the same thing to his  girlie. Okay maybe he had a different inflection in his voice, but you get the picture.
  4. “The one and only Awesome Dre” sheeeeeeeeeit. I promise you he did not get that name anywhere but the internets. I can also give you at least six reasons I don’t think DUDE is awesome.
  5. SUGAR SLAM IS BACK! looking a bit more haggard and taking up a little more room on that car seat. If you know what I’m saying.
  6. An ode to the Wild Wild West, with no mention of Dru Hill or the Fresh Prince?
  7. “Smash through the glass as the fireworks blast.” Don’t worry there is only 16 minutes left. WOOP WOOP!
  8. Psycopathic Rydas RYDAS! Don’t give up now. Stay with me. Something makes me suspect these guys write their own music.
  9. Blaze Ya Dead Homie, doesn’t seem very dead to me. Then again I don’t think Juggalos are to be trusted with their “your/you’re” usage.
  10. Boondox such a pseudonym seems rather unrelated to being a scarecrow. Not a lot of farming going on in the Boondocks.
  11. Anybody Killa I think this might be Greg Machotka’s rapping pseudonym. Sounds like him anyway. Lispy fucker. Actually I bet GM could do better rapping. This is so shitty.
  12. No one has been talking about the Dayton Family.
  13. Naughty By Nature, Method Man and Redman. And we’re just getting warmed up! Method Man is to WuTang Clan as  David Lee Roth is to Van Halen.
  14. Tom Green is still alive. I guess that’s a good thing. Also, he slept with Drew Barrymore.
  15. Gallagher, because it seems Tom Green isn’t past-his-prime enough. Juggalos, maybe your parents will come along. You can all paint up your faces together.
  16. “He does have good dick jokes.” At this point Sugar Slam pretty much knows she’s getting laid at the end of this infomercial, whether she wants it or not.
  17. Brotha Lynch Hung wishes he was from Fillmore or Vallejo. Guaranteed.
  18. Enormous heroes Sounds like a couple of fat dudes. I would rather see Down By Law.
  19. Warren G obviously had some influence in the videos made by this lot.
  20. Ladies Night on the second stage. Because they are second class citizens? Nope. Because there will only be like 25 females in attendance. Probably a fair amount of swervin’ going on though. Same thing, right?
  21. Afroman and Coolio will be there. Kevin Smith and Michelle Pfeiffer will not.
  22. For real, there seems to be an overweight white guy theme all over this.
  23. And I do mean everything. Get this dude an Oscar!
  24. Good to see they have helicopter rides again this year, and even used the same piece of stock footage.
  25. The Alfred Hitchcock of Hiphop Hmmm, so you’re  saying he white and overweight too?
  26. Fuck that midget has a head like a Beluga Whale.
  27. Bubble Foam Party Again you’re probably going to get laid.
  28. Dammit They just said Milwaukee.
  29. Wrestling
  30. Something about a movie
  31. Tickets available at Hot Topic. Obviously

Huge thanks to Cizarek Leopold Kilbaski for bringing this to my attention.

Okay, if you hung out through that let me try to make things a little bit better for you. Nowhere is coming.

I just hope they don’t put any music from The Who in it this year.

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Posted in A Very Special Rumorator, I watch too much TV, snowboardering | 6 Comments »

The Trivia Catch Up

Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010

The latest round of Schiltz/Red Dot trivia went down monday night and the players seem to be adapting to the new toughness level. I still think Co-Host and I are running the hardest trivia in Milwaukee. Out of 208 possible points we’ve got high scores around 105. BRUTALITY.

Coming up this Monday, June 28, we’ve got a mega-round 100-Question SkullSplitter. If you’re in the area and up to the challenge, be there. For real. The Red Dot, on the corner of Bradford and Bartlett.

Here’s the run-down of the questions:

  1. What actor has played the characters Holden McNeil, Fred O’Bannion, and Chuckie Sullivan
  2. Who wrote the books Ulysses, Finnegan’s Wake, and A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man?
  3. Visual Question
  4. Who produced the Delta Force AC, the Terminator, and the Dunk?
  5. What beer company’s early 1990s ads featured the Swedish Bikini Team and the slogan “It doesn’t get any better than this?”
  6. What the name for a puzzle in which words are represented by combinations of pictures and individual letters?
  7. What band released the albums Nothing’s Shocking, Ritual de lo Habitual, and Strays?
  8. In what city was Tupac Shakur murdered?
  9. Of the planets in our solar system, Jupiter has the most volume and Earth is the most dense.  What planet has the most mass?
  10. Out of 13 finalists, in what place did Milwaukee’s Danny Gokey finish in Season 8 of American Idol?
  11. CCCP is to the former Soviet Union as DPRK is to what?
  12. Who is the only US President never to have been elected to any office higher than that of the US Congress?
  13. Visual Question
  14. What TV sitcom theme song has these lyrics:
    I bet we been together for a million years,
    And I bet we’ll be together for a million more.
    Oh, It’s like I started breathing on the night we kissed,
    And I can’t remember what I ever did before.
    What would we do baby, Without Us?
    What would we do baby, Without Us?
    And there ain’t no nothing we can’t love each other through.
    What would we do baby, Without Us?
  15. What creature did Sir Edmund Hillary embark on a search for in 1960?
  16. What was the first name of the founder of the Italian fashion company Versace?
  17. What does a speleologist study?
  18. What was sent back in time to destroy Sarah Conner?
  19. Who was the auburn-haired, green-eyed woman Dolly Parton begged not to take her man?
  20. FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper is best known for trying to solve whose murder?
  21. What artist’s works include Regular Division of the Plane, Drawing Hands, and Hand with Reflecting Sphere?
  22. What search started at Cornell University in 1960, and through outreach, now has over 290,000 computers working to find its subject?
  23. Visual Question
  24. What was “Coco” Chanel’s real first name?
  25. Who wrote The Maltese Falcon?
  26. What beer company used the slogan “Good things can happen, out of the blue?”
  27. What word is used to describe “the separation of parts of a compound word by an intervening word or words.” Such as any-old-where or abso-fucking-lutely.
  28. What band released the albums Freaky Styley, The Uplift Mofo Party Plan, and Mother’s Milk?
  29. What organization was founded by Bobby Seale and Huey P. Newton in Oakland, California during October of 1966
  30. Visual Question
  31. With roughly 367 miles running beneath the surface, what is the name of the the world’s longest known cave?
  32. What corporation created the the T-800, T-1000 and the Skynet Computer System?
  33. Who directed the films Wild At Heart, Inland Empire and The Straight Story?
  34. Visual Question
  35. What country ceased to exist after December 31, 1991?
  36. What Canadian territory was officially recognized on April 1, 1999?
  37. Who is the only US president to be a grandson of a former US President?
  38. What brothers hold the record for the most career home runs, combined?
  39. In his 2005 book The Conspiracy of Art, what French philosopher and cultural theorist promoted his beliefs that art had entered a “transaesthetic” state; suggesting he was not attacking art—because art ceased to exist— but only its claim to privilege.
  40. What is the slang term used by the Federal Aviation Administration to describe “What is left of a bird after it’s been hit by a plane?”
  41. What band released the albums Dig Me Out, Call The Doctor and All Hands on the Bad One?
  42. Visual Question
  43. In 2005 M.I.A. released the album Arular, which was named for her father, who was a prominent activist in the independence movement of what region?
  44. Name the actor who starred in In Bruges, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, and Gangs of New York.
  45. Visual Question
  46. What ancient Egyptian city was known for it’s equal rule between King Akhenaten and Queen Nefertiti, and inspired a Dartmouth College co-ed undergraduate society to take this city’s name?
  47. In the 1980s sitcom Family Ties, who played Ned, the alcoholic uncle?
  48. What singer scored a Top 40 hit every year from 1970 to 1998?
  49. In what sporting league could you find the teams the Barcelona Dragons, the Frankfurt Galaxy, and the London Monarchs?
  50. What was the first name of the founder of the Italian fashion company Gucci?
  51. Explored to over 6,900 feet below the surface, The Krubera-Voronya cave, the deepest on Earth, is in what country?
  52. To whom does Special Agent Dale Cooper address the messages he dictates into his micro-cassette recorder?
  53. Visual Question
  54. Reggie White, “the Minister of Defense,” got his start with what professional sports team?

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Posted in I watch too much TV, Trivia | 9 Comments »

Requiem for a Tumbler and a couple other things

Tuesday, June 8th, 2010

Damn, what was it? Four years ago?

To be honest, I can’t even remember how this tumbler came into my possession. I think I had a choice between this and some hat that certainly wasn’t going to fit on my head, so I took the tumbler. I was shacked up in a condo will way too many shreds, and my homey James, who works for Backcountry/Huck-n-Roll, dropped this  bad boy  on me.  It was in a lot better shape then. No dents and the grippy rubber strips weren’t peeling off. And had the Backcountry logo on it for a long time too. But I’m a fan of a good mug so I held onto this beast.

I drank up some coffee outta this guy everyday, for at least two years straight. Sadly the foam bottom started peeling off recently, and then it was just a matter of time before before the shit completely ripped off during a washing. Now, I can’t have the hole in the bottom filling up with water and getting all gross. That’s an ironic statement considering the condition the part of Tumbler I actually put my mouth on and drink from.

Tumbler will be put in the garbage sometime this afternoon. R.I.P. old friend.

Moving on:

The Wicked Smahts of Facebook

This popped up on my facebook account the other day. The brain power behind facebook is out of hand.

Surfing: Many people who like snowboarding also like this.
Music: many people who like reading also like this.

Might I also suggest these pairings:

  • Drinking: many people who like eating also like this.
  • Misogyny: many people who like whores also like this.
  • The Tea Party Movement: Many people who like racism also like this.
  • Butt Sex: Many people who like rumorator.com also like this.
  • Crying alone: Many people who like Cosplay also like this.

Geniusary.

One last thing

Want to learn to snowboard, and laugh at the Milwaukee suburbs? Here’s the easy way:

MADE – MTV Shows

To make it even easier on yourself, just skip to the last 2 minutes and laugh at the announcer with a lisp. Dude had to get subtitled. Sucker.

(also it’s way easier to watch it by clicking here)

SHOUT OUT! to MTV for keeping low-res alive.

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Posted in I watch too much TV, Milwaukee Radification Project., snowboardering | 3 Comments »

Attackory of the Hackory

Wednesday, May 26th, 2010

You seen this schlock?

Seriously? I mean, it’s been out there for a while that AT&T is garbage. They’re just the empty shell of what was once a company that was mega-merica. But they chopped, flipped, and remodeled. SBC buys ‘em up, guts them and takes over the AT&T name. Why? Because SBC is/was The Southern Bell Company. And everyone knows that shit from the south tends to be garbage barged. Save for my friend Jonathan and that bloggerman that writes Burritos and Snow. Anyway SBC wanted to get a respected name. But they crapped that up too.

FACT!: The only reason SBC isn’t face down in a gutter wearing its AT&T mask is that deal with the iFauxn and the iTouchMacro (double Hister hack right there)

And now they’ve started producing commercials like this. Maybe you’re dwellting back to their rollover minute family ads and thinking, “But Rumorator, This is surely better than middle-aged mama ranting about rollover minutes?” Like anyone gives a fuck about rollover minutes anymore. I checked my statement just now, and you know how many minutes I used last month? 37. Thirty-seven minutes. Now perhaps this is due to my lispy voice—of which I am ashamed. Or perhaps it has to do with the paranoia the comes from watching four seasons of The Wire in two months. Or perhaps it has to do with the 446 text messages I sent last month.

Whatever, we gotta refocus. At least when AT&T/SBC was running those garbage commercials everyone was like “Fuck, these is some bad commercials.” But then they put out this work shown above and toss on some dude singing, in a voice that pretty much explains why kids listen to metal.

The World: Here’s your choice kid. The dude singing over the AT&T hack ad, or Agoraphobic Nosebleed.
10-yr old kid: Fuck, of course I’m going Grindcore. AT&T chump makes twee sound like it’s got a 10-inch cock.
The World: Probably a smart choice. You want some cigarettes?

So SBC/ATT&T puts out this ad like this is some sort of ultra-arty flick, but I called it out as hackory. A $3.1 billion marketing budget and I’m thinking you damn lame-os ripped off Christo. You ripped off the man who does this:

Well, apparently there was some discussion about the origins because now AT&T runs a disclaimer on the ad saying it’s got nothing to do with Christo.

BUT!

Then you take a look at this ad from Bosnia:

3.1 Billion Dollars. Dwell on it.

Meanwhilst, Imma leave you with this reading:

Rumorator 25:17—The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the hackory of sorry bitches.

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Posted in Advertising, I watch too much TV | 1 Comment »

Horse Races: Get Your Saturday On

Saturday, May 15th, 2010

I’m sure you all know that I’m going to be rolling out to Heavy-T’s bachelor party in just a few minutes, but it’s important that we also address that today is The Preakness Stakes. Horse racing is by far the best sport to be in to, except for the damn hats women wear at the Kentucky Derby. Seriously, ladies, give it up. You look like some rejected Dickensian characters. But let’s get back to horse racing. Way better than football, baseball, basketball or hockey because it’s done in two to three minutes. It’s all excitement too. None of this time-out, seventh-inning stretch nonsense. In horse racing the cadence plays, you set down your drink, the bells sounds, and everyone is on their feet for the entire race. And when it’s over you pick your drink back up. Plus you can win money. Legit money. Not like the amateur-assed march-madness office-tourney money, but heaps of money.

The other aspect of horse racing that is radder than all other sports is the names of the horses. It’s better than naming porno. Trust me on that one. Granted sometimes you’ll get one like Super Saver. That name reminds me of the sticker on the INXS Listen Like Thieves album, explaining why it was only $5.99. I think Super Saver was actually code for “not good.”

This years name line up at Pimlico could be better, but at least Jackson Bend is in there. FYI: A Jackson Bend is what happens when you go the bathroom post-coitus and your pee shoots sideways. As in: “My pee just made a Jackson Bend  and got all over her Illustrated Bible Stories shower curtian.”

It’s now that I should also let any horse owners know that my services are available for horse namings. And my fees are reasonable.

Broders and sizzders, just imagine this line-up at at the 2011 Preakness

  • Pooh’s Honey Stash ridden by Lester Felts
  • Frontside Indy ridden by Choo Choo McGumbo
  • Tilting At Energy Generating Wind Turbines ridden by Emmanuel Lewis
  • Truckstop Christmas ridden by Smalls Tiny
  • Freakonomics ridden by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner
  • Cow Face Pose ridden by Chesterton Hooch
  • Get Jay Leno Off The Air ridden by Raul Cifuentes
  • The Black Sleep of Kali Ma ridden by Fluf Coppertop
  • Eight Wale Corduroy ridden by Milt Lemons
  • Taco Dip ridden Geno Amanti
  • Leon Spinks and the Sophomore Jinx ridden Slip Kidd
  • Upper Decker ridden by Jean LaFabre
  • Smells Like Stripper Money ridden Camp Wrenchrod

But for today, I think Patty O’Prado is a good bet.

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Posted in I watch too much TV, Listed | No Comments »

Pitchin’ the Script.

Wednesday, April 7th, 2010

Yesterday morning I woke up and left myself this message:

We’re ambulance drivers, but also landscapers.

Believe me, when I wrote that I knew it was a gold mine.

I spent the rest of yesterday trying to figure out exactly what this was about. Nothing dawned on me until late last night (as I was continuing my Scrabble slump). I figured I should probably be making some civil-service drama about this. Can you imagine the heat such a show would spray? I would call it Gardener and Gardener, EMTs ©.  The pilot episode will probably deal with Gardener and Gardener working on a golf course when a golfer has a heart attack. Time is running out. Can they get to their ambulance in time?

D-R-A-M-A

I would also make Gardener and Gardener a brother and sister team. But half-way through the season we find out that one of them is adopted so this weird sexual tension runs throughout the series.

Right now you’re probably thinking that sounds like hackwork. Right. Well, dwell on this. I was being fed grapes and decided to tune in Lost last night. Regretfully, I saw the end of Dancing With the Stars. Louie Vito has apparently been voted off. And last night they were in the process of kicking off Buzz Aldrin. The father of hackory. BUZZ ALDRIN. The dude fake walked on the fake moon in a soundstage in California. After he heard the news that he was getting the boot he said, “I never thought I would walk on the moon, and I certainly never thought I would dance on TV.”

C’mon Buzz. You know your foxtrot was easier than wearing that “spacesuit.” Oh, and you never really made it to the moon. Seriously, ask my good friend Mofaniel about it. So lets break it down here Buzz:

  • Part 1: I never thought I would walk on the Moon… You didn’t. Points awarded:  Zero(0)
  • Part 2: …and I certainly never thought I would dance on TV. Of course you didn’t. It’s like me saying, “Well I certainly never thought I would be pitching a show about landscaping EMTs.” It’s absurd, like a dancing show. Plus, back when your thoughts worked, Buzz, they didn’t have TV or dancing. Points awarded: Zero(0)

Official count: 0+0=WTF?

Have you dwelt? Good.

But back to my show. Just in case Gardener and Gardener, EMTs doesn’t get picked up, I also have these concepts I’ve been meaning to pitch:

  • Jay Leno Uncensored: It would all just be the same jokes except he could say black/latino/gay/jewish instead of “these people.” the first guest could be Michelle Obama and he could ask if he should add the degrading vocal inflection to  “Black” or “Woman.”
  • Stunned!: This would be on E! and it’s just a clip compilation of folks still claiming “stunnah shades.”
  • Sandra Bullock vs. Travis Barker: Death Match: Right?
  • Hit-N-Run: Featuring a White Rav-4 with Wisconsin plates 629-NSS. I saw you back into my car and drive away.
  • You Think I Can Make It?: Contestants jump from boulder to boulder on mountains, rocky sea shores, etc. No harnesses, just amazingness.

Lets get Mtv off the Air, I deserve my own channel.

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Posted in I watch too much TV | 2 Comments »

Putting Some More Jock in the NCAA Tournament

Wednesday, March 17th, 2010

March Madness. Pretty much the only time the playing field gets leveled and I can talk smack with mega-jocks like Keylo. Seriously I was supposed to be shradding with him last week, but he stayed in the hotel room the whole time. Smoking his Green Cigarettes and watching basketball. J-J-J-Jocked out! At one point I woke up at 3 am and the he was watching highlights of women’s basketball. Sad state, bro. Dude can out-sports me everyday, but when picking teams for the the NCAA College basketball tournament it’s all fair game. All brackets have the rankings and most people will just follow those and maybe pick one or two personal favorites.

Weak.

I was originally going to rank the school by how many women I had relations with at each school , but then I realized I would have to take Wisco and UVM all the way. I wasn’t about to do that. Besides I am much better suited to run a bracket of the Ivy League and NESCAC colleges on that system.

Instead I have simply flipped a coin for every game. Making the top bracketed team tails, and the lower bracketed team heads.

It’s just like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead over here.

Oh and if you wanna go up against me, I’m in the MODA3 bracket, which you are free to join.

Looking at my bracket, I’m pretty sure I’m screwed. Though I must say, I’m pretty radded out by the Richmond’s spider mascot. That’s straight venom bitches!

And if that bracket isn’t funny enough check this out.

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Posted in I watch too much TV | No Comments »

Know Your Canadians

Friday, March 12th, 2010

Step 1: Watch

You’ve probably already seen it. NBC is still running it, over and over. Mostly trying to cover Jay Leno’s gaping wound at 10pm. From 10-11 they just loop this commercial. Sometimes they even mix in the 1:30 extended version with the Helicopter. Proper snowboard video style.

But let’s cover what we know. Marty McFly is in it.  He’s old, but he’s killing it becuase that’s what he does. Between maintaining a clean image in Hollywood (proper Canadadese style) and his elevation to messiah level on accout of Parkinsons ‘ over the past few years, he could have carried this entire ad. I don’t mean to come off as slighting his Parkinsons’, but he was ruling faces as Alex P. Keaton. never forget that. Stature deserved.

Then we’ve got Kim Cattrall who is technically a Brit. But we’ll let her slide because she was once in a movie about a giant spider invasion in Wisconsin. You don’t press that kind of CV.

Don’t forget the Orca’s on the prowl and Sarah McLachlan. That woman powered my libido more than anyone in the 1990s. Pretty rad, right? No. Not once you factor in that her Lilith Fair fiasco pretty much assured me that any broads I thought might be down were veering towards lesbian haircuts.

We’ve got Ryan Renolds oozing more manhood at :06 than anyone since the time Teddy Roosevelt was shot in Milwaukee. Seriously, I became a little jealous of Scarlett Johansson just then.

But after all that radness, we’ve got a couple of people who I do not recognize. I think one of them is a Tom Petty stand-in and the other is a mountie. Most likely. But if they needed to fill time why not get some of the more famous canadians.

Por ejemplo:

*Shatner
*Rachel McAdams
*Eugene Levy
*Hockey
*A-man’s CONCAGAGF
*The corpse of Joseph-Armand Bombardier
*The Weakerthans ( but I would only recognize them in the Our Retired Explorer costumes)
*Margaret Atwood
*Trebek
*Josh Martinez

Step 2: Know Your Canadians.

I’m going slushboarding.

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Posted in I watch too much TV | No Comments »

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