It seems there was snowfall from Tahoe to Whistler last night. This is a plus. We’ll be on snowboardering soon enough. But for now, let’s get right into it.
1th: Social Media
I’ll back this twitter bullshit ‘til the end. I mean until it gets replaced by something cooler. But you cannot beat the instant access to people.
Por Ejemplo: Ali Milner, Canadian songstress extraordinaire, also second greatest Canadian with that hair color, behind Neko Case, even though Neko was born a USAer. The other night on Cover Me Canada, Ali was having her way with a Crash Test Dummies song. Well, 2/3 of a CTDs song.
So I used the tweets:
INTERNATIONAL SOCIAL MEDIA SUCCESS!
2rd Netwerk TV
The Playboy Club got cancelled. Even never having watched the show I can tell you, this doesn’t surprise me.
Who’s next?
3nd Konichiwa, Bitchez.
Ps. Book Trailers are fucking sick.
4st Bloggerman and Bloggermama action day
I’ve been informed it’s time for the bloggoramasphere’s annual autoeroticism fest. I got the email Check it:
A couple of problems. Firth, their acronym is B-A-D, which kind of S-U-C-K-S D-O-N-G. Secord, They never tell us bloggers when to start stroking.
I know I’ve been slacking this week, but we’re going to get down in it right now. I hope you all brought your boots. Here we go.
Took in Triple and a half movie-madness this past weekend. I say half because one of the flicks was The Class. A French film about teaching. I lasted no longer than 40 minutes. I also saw Paranormal activity and that was not what I was thinking it was. I thought it was supposed to be some movie about aliens in Alaska, but what it really was, was unentertaining. There were two horrible things about it spoiler alert! 1 The theatrical ending is for shit. They should have at least pulled off a CHiPs/Thiller freeze frame. 2. The alternative ending has the demon (underlying message: women are evil) cutting her own throat and falling over. I think we have all cut enough throats to know it takes a few moments for someone to die that way. There was no garbled scream. No blood spilling down the body. Hackory.
So after that I went to meet up with @larsma for some Milwaukee Film Fest action. I told her I had just watched Paranormal Activity. She asked if that was the one about aliens in Alaska.
We took in the midnight showing of Tucker and Dale vs. Evil. So much fun. This is what parody films are supposed to be. None of this Scream we-made-a-film-that-was-so-fucking-cliché-that-everyone-thought-it-was-a-joke-so-we-just-went-along-with-it rubbish.
Sunday night I took in the new Ryan Reynolds vehicle, Buried. Van Wilder is obviously going for the awards in this one. I mean this role was pretty much bigger than playing handicapped. This is like when Kate Winslet was in Extras. The whole film is Reynolds, no one else, just him for the entire thing. And here’s the real prize—he plays an American. The whole movie is pretty solid, except the part with the octopus*. Dude better get a Genie Award out of this.
Rumorator’s honesty box: I watch a lot of fucking movies. 80% of them are garbage.
Next up:
Let’s go back to when we were talking about boobs. I think I need to get a hold of Peep Show’s Let’s Make Better Mistakes Tomorrow. L-boogie from powderroomalerted me that Hadar has some boobs in it, so I was already sold. ThenYobeat drops the ka-nowledge that Colleen Quigley shows some hoots as well. So, fuck it, I’m watching this flick. Honestly, they could pretty much use a cool pix to film somebody flipping through a porno mag and I’d watch it. Also, the riding is really quite good.
Plus the girls from Peepshow were rather pleasant when I met them.
Depth-kon Trizz
I watched Glee last night. Fuck that show. I enjoyed the pilot episode. It was quirky and seemed self-aware. They knew they were selling shit, but that’s what made it funny. Then they got picked up and the humor is gone. The self-awareness is gone. Now it’s just a pack of kids who feel they need to express things through song. The kitsch is gone. Now it’s just tired.
To make last nights showing even worse, the episode had to do with god. And of course the religious people were all trying to help those who were non-believers, or as I like to call them “Sucker Free.” So we got jesus freak telling Sucker Free “You really need to open up to god because you might find a lot of things you never expected.” Or some crap like that. Yet we cannot have an atheist or anti-theist on TV telling the bible-beater “you should really stop with this god nonsense because you might find that there is a whole lot out there that gets tainted by your religions.”
Plus the entire episode was loaded up with anti-abortion and republican ads. Gross.
I watched “The Limits of Control” last night. Well not the whole thing, I fell asleep several times throughout it’s run. And I get it, it’s a movie that is a study of movies that have already been made, and it’s study in color, and it’s a study of who we are as viewers. Whatever.
It wasn’t enjoyable. I like films the melt my mind a little bit, but I also want to enjoy them. I want to have some desire to dig deeper into the story. Fuck, I just want to care. I’m just going to toss this one onto Bill Murray’s insomnia correction collection. Ghostbusters 3 better get made pronto because I am growing weary of sleeping through Murray’s mature works.
Now, I’m not saying there is no space for non-mainstream cinema, but a few things have to be done.
Make it interesting.
Make it interesting.
Make it interesting.
Make it Korean.
And there it is. Movie making success in four easy steps. I bet those dudes who madeThe Waterholehit at least three of points of advice.
Kind of reminds me of Wes Anderson movies and snowboard flicks. The premise is rad, and the music is going to be good, but until they start speeding those things up I’m going keep sleeping through them. Even the dudes over at the Dangerzone know what to do. They swoop in, drop some fucking shrad radness on you and get the fuck out. Plus when vids are under 10 minutes it’s way more acceptable to watch it whilst you are working. Of course ELud is the exception to this rule because I heard the dude watched the entire Ken Burns’ Civil War series while at work last week.
Then there is this sonsabitch, parking like he owns the place.
Actually, I think that is the most considerate parking I have ever seen in Milwaukee.
Trivia tonight, MFers. You should be there.
Also consider yourselves warned, the advent of a new bike is upon us.
I can’t believe a year has already passed since we last had to face this shit. None the less, it’s back. And there is even more mind-blowing counting-to-potato then ever.
Let’s watch:
Now we’re going to go through this one together. Remember to turn the page when you hear the magic magnet chime.
“Magic in the air. Comradery (camaraderie?), family, love”–C’mon really. This is how you follow up calling magnets miracles? Fuck, boss. I’ve been to music festivals and they always suck 4 hours into them, after you see your high school art teacher drunk and fighting kids younger than you in “the pit.” jocko/juggalo. Same mentality.
You’ll meet people from everywhere which includes Minnesota, Connecticut, and Nova Scotia? Sounds like there are going to be a lot of white folks there.
“You’ll Probably get laid.” I’m pretty sure Mel Gibson just got in heaps of trouble for essentially saying the same thing to his girlie. Okay maybe he had a different inflection in his voice, but you get the picture.
“The one and only Awesome Dre” sheeeeeeeeeit. I promise you he did not get that name anywhere but the internets. I can also give you at least six reasons I don’t think DUDE is awesome.
SUGAR SLAM IS BACK! looking a bit more haggard and taking up a little more room on that car seat. If you know what I’m saying.
An ode to the Wild Wild West, with no mention of Dru Hill or the Fresh Prince?
“Smash through the glass as the fireworks blast.” Don’t worry there is only 16 minutes left. WOOP WOOP!
Psycopathic Rydas RYDAS! Don’t give up now. Stay with me. Something makes me suspect these guys write their own music.
Blaze Ya Dead Homie, doesn’t seem very dead to me. Then again I don’t think Juggalos are to be trusted with their “your/you’re” usage.
Boondox such a pseudonym seems rather unrelated to being a scarecrow. Not a lot of farming going on in the Boondocks.
Anybody Killa I think this might be Greg Machotka’s rapping pseudonym. Sounds like him anyway. Lispy fucker. Actually I bet GM could do better rapping. This is so shitty.
No one has been talking about the Dayton Family.
Naughty By Nature, Method Man and Redman. And we’re just getting warmed up! Method Man is to WuTang Clan as David Lee Roth is to Van Halen.
Tom Green is still alive. I guess that’s a good thing. Also, he slept with Drew Barrymore.
Gallagher, because it seems Tom Green isn’t past-his-prime enough. Juggalos, maybe your parents will come along. You can all paint up your faces together.
“He does have good dick jokes.” At this point Sugar Slam pretty much knows she’s getting laid at the end of this infomercial, whether she wants it or not.
Brotha Lynch Hung wishes he was from Fillmore or Vallejo. Guaranteed.
Enormous heroes Sounds like a couple of fat dudes. I would rather see Down By Law.
Warren G obviously had some influence in the videos made by this lot.
Ladies Night on the second stage. Because they are second class citizens? Nope. Because there will only be like 25 females in attendance. Probably a fair amount of swervin’ going on though. Same thing, right?
Afroman and Coolio will be there. Kevin Smith and Michelle Pfeiffer will not.
For real, there seems to be an overweight white guy theme all over this.
And I do mean everything. Get this dude an Oscar!
Good to see they have helicopter rides again this year, and even used the same piece of stock footage.
The Alfred Hitchcock of Hiphop Hmmm, so you’re saying he white and overweight too?
The latest round of Schiltz/Red Dot trivia went down monday night and the players seem to be adapting to the new toughness level. I still think Co-Host and I are running the hardest trivia in Milwaukee. Out of 208 possible points we’ve got high scores around 105. BRUTALITY.
Coming up this Monday, June 28, we’ve got a mega-round 100-Question SkullSplitter. If you’re in the area and up to the challenge, be there. For real. The Red Dot, on the corner of Bradford and Bartlett.
Here’s the run-down of the questions:
What actor has played the characters Holden McNeil, Fred O’Bannion, and Chuckie Sullivan
Who wrote the books Ulysses, Finnegan’s Wake, and A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man?
Visual Question
Who produced the Delta Force AC, the Terminator, and the Dunk?
What beer company’s early 1990s ads featured the Swedish Bikini Team and the slogan “It doesn’t get any better than this?”
What the name for a puzzle in which words are represented by combinations of pictures and individual letters?
What band released the albums Nothing’s Shocking, Ritual de lo Habitual, and Strays?
In what city was Tupac Shakur murdered?
Of the planets in our solar system, Jupiter has the most volume and Earth is the most dense. What planet has the most mass?
Out of 13 finalists, in what place did Milwaukee’s Danny Gokey finish in Season 8 of American Idol?
CCCP is to the former Soviet Union as DPRK is to what?
Who is the only US President never to have been elected to any office higher than that of the US Congress?
Visual Question
What TV sitcom theme song has these lyrics: I bet we been together for a million years,
And I bet we’ll be together for a million more.
Oh, It’s like I started breathing on the night we kissed,
And I can’t remember what I ever did before.
What would we do baby, Without Us?
What would we do baby, Without Us?
And there ain’t no nothing we can’t love each other through.
What would we do baby, Without Us?
What creature did Sir Edmund Hillary embark on a search for in 1960?
What was the first name of the founder of the Italian fashion company Versace?
What does a speleologist study?
What was sent back in time to destroy Sarah Conner?
Who was the auburn-haired, green-eyed woman Dolly Parton begged not to take her man?
FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper is best known for trying to solve whose murder?
What artist’s works include Regular Division of the Plane, Drawing Hands, and Hand with Reflecting Sphere?
What search started at Cornell University in 1960, and through outreach, now has over 290,000 computers working to find its subject?
Visual Question
What was “Coco” Chanel’s real first name?
Who wrote The Maltese Falcon?
What beer company used the slogan “Good things can happen, out of the blue?”
What word is used to describe “the separation of parts of a compound word by an intervening word or words.” Such as any-old-where or abso-fucking-lutely.
What band released the albums Freaky Styley, The Uplift Mofo Party Plan, and Mother’s Milk?
What organization was founded by Bobby Seale and Huey P. Newton in Oakland, California during October of 1966
Visual Question
With roughly 367 miles running beneath the surface, what is the name of the the world’s longest known cave?
What corporation created the the T-800, T-1000 and the Skynet Computer System?
Who directed the films Wild At Heart, Inland Empire and The Straight Story?
Visual Question
What country ceased to exist after December 31, 1991?
What Canadian territory was officially recognized on April 1, 1999?
Who is the only US president to be a grandson of a former US President?
What brothers hold the record for the most career home runs, combined?
In his 2005 book The Conspiracy of Art, what French philosopher and cultural theorist promoted his beliefs that art had entered a “transaesthetic” state; suggesting he was not attacking art—because art ceased to exist— but only its claim to privilege.
What is the slang term used by the Federal Aviation Administration to describe “What is left of a bird after it’s been hit by a plane?”
What band released the albums Dig Me Out, Call The Doctor and All Hands on the Bad One?
Visual Question
In 2005 M.I.A. released the album Arular, which was named for her father, who was a prominent activist in the independence movement of what region?
Name the actor who starred in In Bruges, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, and Gangs of New York.
Visual Question
What ancient Egyptian city was known for it’s equal rule between King Akhenaten and Queen Nefertiti, and inspired a Dartmouth College co-ed undergraduate society to take this city’s name?
In the 1980s sitcom Family Ties, who played Ned, the alcoholic uncle?
What singer scored a Top 40 hit every year from 1970 to 1998?
In what sporting league could you find the teams the Barcelona Dragons, the Frankfurt Galaxy, and the London Monarchs?
What was the first name of the founder of the Italian fashion company Gucci?
Explored to over 6,900 feet below the surface, The Krubera-Voronya cave, the deepest on Earth, is in what country?
To whom does Special Agent Dale Cooper address the messages he dictates into his micro-cassette recorder?
Visual Question
Reggie White, “the Minister of Defense,” got his start with what professional sports team?
To be honest, I can’t even remember how this tumbler came into my possession. I think I had a choice between this and some hat that certainly wasn’t going to fit on my head, so I took the tumbler. I was shacked up in a condo will way too many shreds, and my homey James, who works for Backcountry/Huck-n-Roll, dropped this bad boy on me. It was in a lot better shape then. No dents and the grippy rubber strips weren’t peeling off. And had the Backcountry logo on it for a long time too. But I’m a fan of a good mug so I held onto this beast.
I drank up some coffee outta this guy everyday, for at least two years straight. Sadly the foam bottom started peeling off recently, and then it was just a matter of time before before the shit completely ripped off during a washing. Now, I can’t have the hole in the bottom filling up with water and getting all gross. That’s an ironic statement considering the condition the part of Tumbler I actually put my mouth on and drink from.
Tumbler will be put in the garbage sometime this afternoon. R.I.P. old friend.
Moving on:
The Wicked Smahts of Facebook
This popped up on my facebook account the other day. The brain power behind facebook is out of hand.
Surfing: Many people who like snowboarding also like this.
Music: many people who like reading also like this.
Might I also suggest these pairings:
Drinking: many people who like eating also like this.
Misogyny: many people who like whores also like this.
The Tea Party Movement: Many people who like racism also like this.
Butt Sex: Many people who like rumorator.com also like this.
Crying alone: Many people who like Cosplay also like this.
Geniusary.
One last thing
Want to learn to snowboard, and laugh at the Milwaukee suburbs? Here’s the easy way:
Seriously? I mean, it’s been out there for a while that AT&T is garbage. They’re just the empty shell of what was once a company that was mega-merica. But they chopped, flipped, and remodeled. SBC buys ‘em up, guts them and takes over the AT&T name. Why? Because SBC is/was The Southern Bell Company. And everyone knows that shit from the south tends to be garbage barged. Save for my friend Jonathan and that bloggerman that writes Burritos and Snow. Anyway SBC wanted to get a respected name. But they crapped that up too.
FACT!: The only reason SBC isn’t face down in a gutter wearing its AT&T mask is that deal with the iFauxn and the iTouchMacro (double Hister hack right there)
And now they’ve started producing commercials like this. Maybe you’re dwellting back to their rollover minute family ads and thinking, “But Rumorator, This is surely better than middle-aged mama ranting about rollover minutes?” Like anyone gives a fuck about rollover minutes anymore. I checked my statement just now, and you know how many minutes I used last month? 37. Thirty-seven minutes. Now perhaps this is due to my lispy voice—of which I am ashamed. Or perhaps it has to do with the paranoia the comes from watching four seasons of The Wire in two months. Or perhaps it has to do with the 446 text messages I sent last month.
Whatever, we gotta refocus. At least when AT&T/SBC was running those garbage commercials everyone was like “Fuck, these is some bad commercials.” But then they put out this work shown above and toss on some dude singing, in a voice that pretty much explains why kids listen to metal.
The World: Here’s your choice kid. The dude singing over the AT&T hack ad, or Agoraphobic Nosebleed. 10-yr old kid: Fuck, of course I’m going Grindcore. AT&T chump makes twee sound like it’s got a 10-inch cock. The World: Probably a smart choice. You want some cigarettes?
So SBC/ATT&T puts out this ad like this is some sort of ultra-arty flick, but I called it out as hackory. A $3.1 billion marketing budget and I’m thinking you damn lame-os ripped off Christo. You ripped off the man who does this:
Well, apparently there was some discussion about the origins because now AT&T runs a disclaimer on the ad saying it’s got nothing to do with Christo.
BUT!
Then you take a look at this ad from Bosnia:
3.1 Billion Dollars. Dwell on it.
Meanwhilst, Imma leave you with this reading:
Rumorator 25:17—The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the hackory of sorry bitches.
I’m sure you all know that I’m going to be rolling out to Heavy-T’s bachelor party in just a few minutes, but it’s important that we also address that today is The Preakness Stakes. Horse racing is by far the best sport to be in to, except for the damn hats women wear at the Kentucky Derby. Seriously, ladies, give it up. You look like some rejected Dickensian characters. But let’s get back to horse racing. Way better than football, baseball, basketball or hockey because it’s done in two to three minutes. It’s all excitement too. None of this time-out, seventh-inning stretch nonsense. In horse racing the cadence plays, you set down your drink, the bells sounds, and everyone is on their feet for the entire race. And when it’s over you pick your drink back up. Plus you can win money. Legit money. Not like the amateur-assed march-madness office-tourney money, but heaps of money.
The other aspect of horse racing that is radder than all other sports is the names of the horses. It’s better than naming porno. Trust me on that one. Granted sometimes you’ll get one like Super Saver. That name reminds me of the sticker on the INXS Listen Like Thieves album, explaining why it was only $5.99. I think Super Saver was actually code for “not good.”
This years name line up at Pimlico could be better, but at least Jackson Bend is in there. FYI: A Jackson Bend is what happens when you go the bathroom post-coitus and your pee shoots sideways. As in: “My pee just made a Jackson Bend and got all over her Illustrated Bible Stories shower curtian.”
It’s now that I should also let any horse owners know that my services are available for horse namings. And my fees are reasonable.
Broders and sizzders, just imagine this line-up at at the 2011 Preakness
Pooh’s Honey Stash ridden by Lester Felts
Frontside Indy ridden by Choo Choo McGumbo
Tilting At Energy Generating Wind Turbines ridden by Emmanuel Lewis
Truckstop Christmas ridden by Smalls Tiny
Freakonomics ridden by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner
Cow Face Pose ridden by Chesterton Hooch
Get Jay Leno Off The Air ridden by Raul Cifuentes
The Black Sleep of Kali Ma ridden by Fluf Coppertop
Eight Wale Corduroy ridden by Milt Lemons
Taco Dip ridden Geno Amanti
Leon Spinks and the Sophomore Jinx ridden Slip Kidd
Upper Decker ridden by Jean LaFabre
Smells Like Stripper Money ridden Camp Wrenchrod
But for today, I think Patty O’Prado is a good bet.
