Archive for the ‘I watch too much TV’ Category

Pitchin’ the Script.

Wednesday, April 7th, 2010

Yesterday morning I woke up and left myself this message:

We’re ambulance drivers, but also landscapers.

Believe me, when I wrote that I knew it was a gold mine.

I spent the rest of yesterday trying to figure out exactly what this was about. Nothing dawned on me until late last night (as I was continuing my Scrabble slump). I figured I should probably be making some civil-service drama about this. Can you imagine the heat such a show would spray? I would call it Gardener and Gardener, EMTs ©.  The pilot episode will probably deal with Gardener and Gardener working on a golf course when a golfer has a heart attack. Time is running out. Can they get to their ambulance in time?

D-R-A-M-A

I would also make Gardener and Gardener a brother and sister team. But half-way through the season we find out that one of them is adopted so this weird sexual tension runs throughout the series.

Right now you’re probably thinking that sounds like hackwork. Right. Well, dwell on this. I was being fed grapes and decided to tune in Lost last night. Regretfully, I saw the end of Dancing With the Stars. Louie Vito has apparently been voted off. And last night they were in the process of kicking off Buzz Aldrin. The father of hackory. BUZZ ALDRIN. The dude fake walked on the fake moon in a soundstage in California. After he heard the news that he was getting the boot he said, “I never thought I would walk on the moon, and I certainly never thought I would dance on TV.”

C’mon Buzz. You know your foxtrot was easier than wearing that “spacesuit.” Oh, and you never really made it to the moon. Seriously, ask my good friend Mofaniel about it. So lets break it down here Buzz:

  • Part 1: I never thought I would walk on the Moon… You didn’t. Points awarded:  Zero(0)
  • Part 2: …and I certainly never thought I would dance on TV. Of course you didn’t. It’s like me saying, “Well I certainly never thought I would be pitching a show about landscaping EMTs.” It’s absurd, like a dancing show. Plus, back when your thoughts worked, Buzz, they didn’t have TV or dancing. Points awarded: Zero(0)

Official count: 0+0=WTF?

Have you dwelt? Good.

But back to my show. Just in case Gardener and Gardener, EMTs doesn’t get picked up, I also have these concepts I’ve been meaning to pitch:

  • Jay Leno Uncensored: It would all just be the same jokes except he could say black/latino/gay/jewish instead of “these people.” the first guest could be Michelle Obama and he could ask if he should add the degrading vocal inflection to  “Black” or “Woman.”
  • Stunned!: This would be on E! and it’s just a clip compilation of folks still claiming “stunnah shades.”
  • Sandra Bullock vs. Travis Barker: Death Match: Right?
  • Hit-N-Run: Featuring a White Rav-4 with Wisconsin plates 629-NSS. I saw you back into my car and drive away.
  • You Think I Can Make It?: Contestants jump from boulder to boulder on mountains, rocky sea shores, etc. No harnesses, just amazingness.

Lets get Mtv off the Air, I deserve my own channel.

Putting Some More Jock in the NCAA Tournament

Wednesday, March 17th, 2010

March Madness. Pretty much the only time the playing field gets leveled and I can talk smack with mega-jocks like Keylo. Seriously I was supposed to be shradding with him last week, but he stayed in the hotel room the whole time. Smoking his Green Cigarettes and watching basketball. J-J-J-Jocked out! At one point I woke up at 3 am and the he was watching highlights of women’s basketball. Sad state, bro. Dude can out-sports me everyday, but when picking teams for the the NCAA College basketball tournament it’s all fair game. All brackets have the rankings and most people will just follow those and maybe pick one or two personal favorites.

Weak.

I was originally going to rank the school by how many women I had relations with at each school , but then I realized I would have to take Wisco and UVM all the way. I wasn’t about to do that. Besides I am much better suited to run a bracket of the Ivy League and NESCAC colleges on that system.

Instead I have simply flipped a coin for every game. Making the top bracketed team tails, and the lower bracketed team heads.

It’s just like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead over here.

Oh and if you wanna go up against me, I’m in the MODA3 bracket, which you are free to join.

Looking at my bracket, I’m pretty sure I’m screwed. Though I must say, I’m pretty radded out by the Richmond’s spider mascot. That’s straight venom bitches!

And if that bracket isn’t funny enough check this out.

Know Your Canadians

Friday, March 12th, 2010

Step 1: Watch

You’ve probably already seen it. NBC is still running it, over and over. Mostly trying to cover Jay Leno’s gaping wound at 10pm. From 10-11 they just loop this commercial. Sometimes they even mix in the 1:30 extended version with the Helicopter. Proper snowboard video style.

But let’s cover what we know. Marty McFly is in it.  He’s old, but he’s killing it becuase that’s what he does. Between maintaining a clean image in Hollywood (proper Canadadese style) and his elevation to messiah level on accout of Parkinsons ‘ over the past few years, he could have carried this entire ad. I don’t mean to come off as slighting his Parkinsons’, but he was ruling faces as Alex P. Keaton. never forget that. Stature deserved.

Then we’ve got Kim Cattrall who is technically a Brit. But we’ll let her slide because she was once in a movie about a giant spider invasion in Wisconsin. You don’t press that kind of CV.

Don’t forget the Orca’s on the prowl and Sarah McLachlan. That woman powered my libido more than anyone in the 1990s. Pretty rad, right? No. Not once you factor in that her Lilith Fair fiasco pretty much assured me that any broads I thought might be down were veering towards lesbian haircuts.

We’ve got Ryan Renolds oozing more manhood at :06 than anyone since the time Teddy Roosevelt was shot in Milwaukee. Seriously, I became a little jealous of Scarlett Johansson just then.

But after all that radness, we’ve got a couple of people who I do not recognize. I think one of them is a Tom Petty stand-in and the other is a mountie. Most likely. But if they needed to fill time why not get some of the more famous canadians.

Por ejemplo:

*Shatner
*Rachel McAdams
*Eugene Levy
*Hockey
*A-man’s CONCAGAGF
*The corpse of Joseph-Armand Bombardier
*The Weakerthans ( but I would only recognize them in the Our Retired Explorer costumes)
*Margaret Atwood
*Trebek
*Josh Martinez

Step 2: Know Your Canadians.

I’m going slushboarding.

I’ll Be Iron, Like a Lion In Zion

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

 Iron:

Getting the rain gear on for Picnic in the Park. I’ll be dressed like the god-damned Gorton’s fisherman, trust it.

also to be filed under Iron:

That shit is not to be dealt with lightly.

Like a Lion:

Now before you feel the need to attack my picturing skills, know that this was taken with my slackberry in an extremely smoked out bar.

Now ask yourself what the fuck a lion skin is doing in a bar on the south side of Milwaukee.

Now ask yourself what the fuck Rumorator was doing in a bar on the south side of Milwaukee.

In Zion, part 1

 

In Zion, part dos!

I can almost hear Jason Robards yelling, “Quit cutting through my lawn, or you’ll die at the age of 38 from a drug overdose. Though really, I’m surprised it wasn’t the other one.”

Knee Deep in the Olympics

Tuesday, February 16th, 2010

Maybe you all missed it whilst you were at home with one leg up on your couch trying to push your peep up your butt, but the Olympics started. In reality you haven’t missed much. Some toned down luge event. I think Christine Brennan talked to IOC into reducing the track because the lugers were going to fast. So everyone is puttering through that event. Apollo Ono still has his soul patch, and Lindsey Vonn still has a sore leg as well as a crap showing in Sports Illustrated. Bob Costas hasn’t aged in 73 years an I’ve been told he gained eternal youth by eating Dick Clark. It was also reported that one quarter of all the condoms used in the Olympic Village are used by Costas.

But there are some rad events going on too. Curling. So fucking legit. Biathlon. If all skiing was as rad as the biathlon I wouldn’t even shrad. But really the closest I have ever come was getting stoned one night at The Crystal Falcon’s house and playing Duck Hunt while standing on the Nordictrack

Of course the old halfpike events are coming up. It’s funny because last night my homey the_boss_of_you was claiming on chinese state television the Chinese are winning all the medals. I got a feeling that kind of ”media augmentation” will happen in the USA if Sean Blanco doesn’t win in the tube. But rightfully so, if the kid tosses down the CulebraBlanca  he’s going to be tough to beat.

But in the interest of making the Old-Limp-dicks a bit more entertaining I’m tossing up these suggestions from Brother Keith as he embarked on his journey to become the head of the IOC last night.

11 Ways to Make the Winter Olympics More Interesting

  • Install a stripper pole at center ice for all figure skating events.
  • Give all biathlon athletes snow camo and paintball (or BB) guns and make it a last man standing event.
  • All downhill ski racers have to fashion their own skis out of provided lumber and tools in 24 hours.
  • The luge will take place on plastic Coleco brand sleds and have jumps made out of hay bales.
  • Introduce same sex couples figure skating.
  • Ban nude colored spandex from figure skating uniforms.
  • Leave hockey just as it is.
  • Combine figure skating and curling into one super event where a skater gets tossed and dudes sweep her into a circle target.
  • Replace Bob Costas with @iamsalmasakela.
  • Incorporate a pow turn / method contest into snowboarding.
  • Add a full loop and maybe a corkscrew to the luge.

Also if you couldn’t decide what to get me for Valentine’s day, it’s not too late to grab this from my Celbrity friend

Get Braced

Friday, February 5th, 2010

The weekend is here and it seems like I’m gonna be bucking down a banger week with 5 days of getting the shrad on. Stoked on that.

I’m pretty much a professional slack at this point.

But you know who doesn’t slack? Jay Leno. That dude is all business.  I’m mean he has hardly taken a break since since fucking over Conan and Southland.  In fact this website is reporting that DickChin himself is already taping new episodes of his back-on-11:35pm show.

And to keep it all relevant, his first show back will feature the cast of Jersey Shore. DickChin, please at least act like you’re going to make an effort at entertaining ‘Merica. This is just another perfect example of how DickChin keeps up with the trends. The Jersey Shore 15minutes of fame are almost up, and I’m pretty sure by March 1st most people are going to be more interested in anything Lindsey Vonn is doing, or WTFuck happened to the winter oh-limp-dicks and why were people wearing shorts watching the shrad events.

Actually none of that jock stuff is going to matter.

But the Jersey Shore crew was tired about 7 minutes into their careers. The pinnacle was the mannish-broad getting punched in the face. Now you’ve got to understand that I’m not really one for violence against women, but I can kind of understand it in this case. I mean have you seen her? She’s got a better mustache than me. I can understand mistaking her for Steven Segal or Danny Trejo.

DickChin is so out of touch with anyone with the people who would watch his show. So to kick off his whiny return to the rotting corpse of the Tonight Showof course he would have some tired act that no one gives a fuck about any longer. Don’t even act surprised.

For his second show, he could have the cast of My Name is Earl drop by.

Time to get your slack on

Monday, January 4th, 2010

Alright all you desk-jockeys, cubicle crusaders, and office park aficionados, it’s back to normal work weeks. That means it time to get back on your blog routine. It goes like this: work 1/2 a day, eat lunch, check blogs. You know this is true. Deal with it. Get down with today.

Item #1: Thrashin’

Spectre of the Brocken once told me to stay away from civil service dramas. I always took that advice lightly. Like when your health teacher told you nothing good ever comes of drug use. I thought it was just some old man kicking some ancient mindset at me.

Then last night I found myself sucked into some serious civil service junk. Shit had me hooked. and I didn’t even jump in until it was half over. But it was about skateboardering, so I’m predisposed to getting caught up. And Just so we are all on the same page, here is the synopsis to last night’s Cold Case episode, Hoodrats, direct from the CBS website:

Synopsis

The team re-opens the 1995 case of a skateboarding prodigy who lived on the streets.

Full Recap

The cold case team opens up a case of Nash Simpson, a skateboarding prodigy who went missing in the 1990’s. The team discovers the body of a John Doe in an abandoned warehouse and they were able to identify the body as Nash Simpson. The team now has some clues to work with in his disappearance case. They discover that Nash had made many friends, but also made many enemies after he ran away from New Jersey to Philadelphia. He was able to parlay his skateboarding skills into a career. He was able to obtain a sponsor and was on his way to becoming a star but fell in with the wrong crowd. Ultimately, one of Nash’s new junkie friends betrayed and killed him in order to score his next fix.

Now we’re going to go over a few points here.

  1. No matter how many suburban white kids get skate decks they’re still going to get called hoodrats. Which is ridiculous because, it’s like  Badu said, looking for cheese don’t make you  a hoodrat. But hey, this is about cop dramas, and it’s best that CBS does whatever it can to maintain the tension between cops and kids with skate decks.
  2. Up-and-coming street skater Nash (probably named after Nash skateboards) was killed because he could “skate a line” no one else could. That’s right, Nash could do a kickflip off some ghetto ramp set-up. Seriously a kickflip. I better watch my back because at the end of my skating days i was tossing down kickflips like a beast. A kickflip is the culinary equivalent of a tuna melt.
  3. If they wanted to make this story realistic they should have focused more on Nash’s ability to skate the ghetto ramp. For real, that thing looked sketchy.
  4. Lastly to calm the erves of all the Suburban parents unwinding before bed, the proven killer was not the white kid. No it was the pan-asian kid. Like it should surprise anyone that it was the minority character. However I do have to give CBS a big high five to putting zero effort into this show other than giving the pan-asian a flannel to button all the way up, to also remind white folks that Latinos kill people too. Especially white kids who are good at at things.
  5. This show uses some visual element in which the characters are shown as themselves when the case went cold. It’s like a TV’s representation of a spank bank.  In this case I’m guessing it went cold in 1991 based on the use of a track off Siamese Dream. Like any dude in a pair of Droors would have been pumping that album.
  6. I was so pist no one ever used the term “thrash” or any variation of it.

Item #2: Wok-a-thon

Broder vR passed me a wok for christmas. I finally busted that shit out in style.

What you are looking at here is a mint chutney, tuna marsala samosas, stir-fried onions, peppers, zucchini and cashews, and garlic naan. My diet is amazing.

Speaking of samosas, I owe the recipe to the broad in this video:

Meltdown Monday

Monday, December 21st, 2009

One:

I guess the BBC finds the value of this news questionable:

Two:

Maybe you missed my Christmas list for the world of snowboarding. That shit is jumping off at Yobeat.com

Three:

Year end analytics run down

Top Keyword searches by time spent on the site:

  1. Milwaukee Radification Project
  2. Olive garden target market
  3. Chana Jaffe-Walt
  4. Coins seven mile fair
  5. Cafe Hollander lezzers
  6. Trivia team names
  7. Mtn Ops
  8. Devils’s head Holy fucking shit Rollback
  9. OHSU halloween party
  10. cigarettes Riverwest
  11. The goonie pitcher
  12. shitting water
  13. Riverwest travel advisory
  14. Car Thule Lady Gaga
  15. Fuck Chrysler

Servers that spent the longest average time (with more than one visit) on Dos:

  1. Zen Internet–London–59:35
  2. The Boeing Company–Cypress–48:05
  3. Carmel High School–Carmel–24:26
  4. The Boeing Company–Saint Ann–22:34
  5. Burton Snowboards–Burlington–21:58

Most visited List of 2009:

Trivia Team Names

Fin

MM Food

Thursday, November 5th, 2009

About a week and a half ago I took this pic:

For those of you who don’t know, that’s the French Keef. Montreal Poutine flipped with a sausage gravy to give it that extra Wisconsin love. I tried to send it many main Kiwi in Montreal, A. Love, but here’s where it turns into a TV sitcom: I sent it to the wrong email. I shredded the gnar when i should have slashed the pow.

 Within moments i’ve got a reply email saying email recipient has no clue who i am, but that dish looks disgusting and delicious at the same time.

 So using my amazing prejudging skills I decide Mr. GAusten of somewhere outside Toronto is an alright dood. The game was on over the next seven days I bombed the shit out of his inbox. And i’ve got to say the dude is quick. I woud hang out with him.  Here’s a sample of my diet and the Images GAusten received:

 It has begun!

 

I got to admit, GAusten was a good sport about this, He often commented on the food and the fingers of the people involved.

 Thanks for playing along.