So I caught word of this from Boardistan—it seems Hannah Teter and Claire Bidez are going to be in the new SI swimsuit issue. And the best part is you won’t even recognize them. You’ll just be flipping through, one-handed, and be like “who are these two not models?” Then if you take the time to read you’ll be all surprised.
SI touched the hell out of those women, and not the way the old dude on the corner touches women. They are so digitally altered they have become hardly recognizable. Some women’s mag did something like this recently and that was creepy enough when they had clothes on.
The error of SI’s ways comes from not understanding “Snowboard-cute.” It works like this: you put somebody on a board, toss some trendy prints and colors on them, cover 50% of their face with goggles and a hat and you’ve got a potentially attractive person. However, you pop those items off and you have someone you wouldn’t look twice at on the street. Granted, the fact that this person can ride earns them some leeway in the bangability department. But in real life they are just normal people, and usually really short.
Perfect example of snowboard-cute right here: I was at Winter Park last week and there is some girl standing up at the top turning bucks by taking pics of families on vacation. As my chairlift crested the off-ramp, I saw her there in all of her glory and my heart gets all gooey. I look at her and she looks at me and I slide up and give her a pleasant hug. 3 feet before contact I realize, damn this was not what I thought. To late to abort (this is how snowboarders become friends).
Snowboard-cute in action right there. I didn’t even let her take my picture. The shitty thing is she was probably thinking the same thing. I kind of feel bad for her. I mean I had almost had a boner for a second, and she probably did too.
And FYI “snowboard cute” applies for women and men, equal opportunity for regret.
Snowboarders tend not to be dreamy because they are people who live in cold ass environments, fall down a lot, and really enjoy substance abuse. So when SI considered grabbing a couple riders to put in the swimsuit issue someone in their creative department should have said, “Hmm maybe we can just get some model to hold a snowboard. Like Chanel and Ralph Lauren would.”
But nope they take real riders and then fuck with them so much that they are unrecognizable and really even creepier looking. Shit, they even brought Claire Bidez’s crazy belly button along for the show. They took Hannah and Claire out of their elements and tried to make them models. Bad move. And it all boils down to this–Once again mainstream media makes snowboarding look ridiculous.
Also not enough ass shots.
My list of the top snowboarding-cute riders:
1. Natasha Zurek—Rides well but in real life she comes up to my nip-nips
2. Tina Basich—Okay so there is something about the freckles and sharp features here.
3. Laura Hadar—I cannot explain my attraction to her. It is beyond me, but it is magnificent
4. Leanne Pelosi—In relief she is quite small, and quite Canadian. Rides like a beast though.
5. Alexis Waite—I do not see enough pics of her. She could even get bumped up.
6. Kier Dillion—You know this is true.
Get sexy. Valentines Day is coming.
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