Supposedly, even a busted watch is right twice a day. Unless of course that watch features a minute that flops around like my donger on date night. A half hour before she asks what’s wrong and 35 minutes before I end up crying in my car.
Anyway, here’s your proof:
Filmed on location. In my office. TODAY!
Part 2: I guess it’s time to get down
This shit is so good:
You might want to grab his new record. You can get it today at Fifth Element.
Before we get down to business, we should cover over this:
Nice to see Mike Noyes get the male and female lead in this one. Tyler Perry would be stoked on his skills. Or Eddie Murphy, or Martin Lawrence. Anyway, there is some ending of The Dark Crystal shit going on. But with fewer Skeksis.
We’re going to get to it soon enough, but I also want to address the fact right now, people in Wisconsin are legally hunting wolves. WTF does someone do with a wolf carcass? Not too many are eating that. I have no clue what to do with a dead wolf. Supposedly there is a wolf problem in Northern Wisconsin. Seems like we got that one backwards.
If you care to, please cruise over to this dude’s blog. Read up and dwell upon these animals being
College cronies and I have been trying to make a bike trip happen all season. Finally, I pulled the trigger and set a date. No one else was able to go except for the Goose. That dude has heaps of free time because he has no house, no kids, no pets, his family was killed on an African safari gone bad, and he tells women he’s really not into labeling their situation so he has no qualms with kicking a lady out of bed to go ride bikes.
Judge the guy all you want, I was more than happy to have the company on this trip.
We were headed to Cuyuna Country State Recreational Area in Crosby, Minnesota. That place is way north. It was like a $100 trip in Gojira. And when you’re driving north from Minneapolis there are a few things you can count on seeing, like Arby’s restaurants, places selling ice houses (to sit in whilst fishing, not the beer), and lakes. There are also some things you never really think you’re going to see. That list could be pretty much endless, but one thing you need to take off is “a boat hitting a car.”
So this is how they do it up there.
Wrap your brain around whatever happened there.
We made it to Crosby and I have to be honest with you, they could
use some more signage around the town. We had the Googs telling us we were within like 2000ft of where we wanted to be, but we couldn’t find it. We stopped at gas station to ask directions and the teenage girl behind the counter was all like “Oh I’ve heard of that place, but I’ve never been there.”
“Girl, it’s woods with trails through it, really fucking close to where you work. Where do you go to underage drink after curling matches or on your smoke breaks?”
Eventually we found the campground, set up the tent and got ready to ride bikes.
The connector trail runs right through the campground, which is amazingly convenient. We hopped on and in about 5 minutes found ourselves on paved trails. Fuck this. We ended up riding that paved trail for 4 miles, cursing the entire time. I couldn’t believe I drove 8 hours for this shit. Then we found it a little trail, well hidden, that dipped off to the right. From that point on it was on. Super fast rolling trails along old mining pits, solid climbs and great down hills with turns and berms and fun shit on the way down. Not that it’s important but I also found the iron-laden, red soil kind of cool.
We made it back to the campsite fully pleased with the choice to come here and ready for the Sunday rides. Goose and I are excellent outdoorsmen, so we at our dinner of thai curried tofu and brussel sprouts strait outta the Whole Foods deli containers. For anyone wondering how the 3+ months of vegan is treating me, I also ate apples, bananas and cashews. I’m really feeling good about this life choice. We all gotta have one thing we’re feeling good about, right?
After food, we had drinks and more drinks and went to sleep. I awoke when daylight started filling the tent. I shuffled about in the sleeping bag to pull out my phone to check the temp. 38 degrees. Cold night to be in a tent. I look over at Goose, who has stripped down to boxers and a tee shirt and is sleeping with his arms across his chest for warmth. I should also mention he’d kicked his sleeping bag down by his feet and was directly on the floor of the tent.
As I’m looking at him thinking dude must be freezing, his sleeping body shivers. I’d never seen a sleeping person shiver before. It was funny. Being the good friend I am, I pushed his sleeping bag further away from him.
Sunday we headed back to where we found the goods an were ready to ride. Then we ran into some dude on a fat bike who was telling us about one of the local trails, Sand Hog being named an IMBA legitimized flow trail. Capital B bikes. He told us there were only four in the world. Then he proceeded to tell us to go elsewehere. Not in a surf nazi way, but more like, “Listen you need to go ride this other shit. Sand Hog is fun, but this section is the real deal.”
So we went over to ride the Yaakee zone and it was great. All the trails are loops so you take off and return to one parking lot on every trail. We found some good tech trails and a lot of great areas to just zip through. Plus, I almost hit a dog. He was just running feral on the trail. I came around a corner and he was coming at me. Complete disregard for the one-way signs. Almost took me off the bike.
There are a few pics floating about and I found a clip from the bobsled trail that doesn’t so it justice, but lets you know a little bit of what is up. But belieber me, it was rad. Gonna get a weekend set up for next year too. Maybe more than two of us will go.
This is a good sign to see
As you can gather from my front wheel this does not end well.
This video is over a year old. It’s still rad, just not as rad as it is today.
Before we get started, you should cruise on over to MarijuanaDeathSquads.com and get Tamper. Disable. Destroy. For free. It’ll be downloaded by the time you get down reading this crap. It’s good. I promise. I’m not always a liar.
Reader: Fucking LAAAME. Imma go read the entries over on Fried Rats.
For real though, let’s talk about some shit. Let’s talk about the fact I now own a ladder, and have done things like “cleaned rain gutters” and “removed fence posts.” Shit, it was just the other day I said to my boss, “Boss, I think I’m done spending the big money for a while.” Then he laughed and laughed.
I’m also looking at having two mega-trees removed because I think they’re dying. And because they’re evergreens. Evergreens are the trashy broads of the tree game. They’re easy to get your hands on, they don’t really let anything else grow up around them, they’re constantly dropping needles, and once a year we invite them into our homes, dress them up and toss them out after the family has left. HEY-O. Jokes.
You know who is way better at telling jokes? Kyle Kinane. That dude was in Madison telling jokes and killing crowds all weekend. I guess he sold out every show he did, so that’s fucking rad for him. He also had fellow bearded man, Dave Stone with him. He was a very funny man as well. And I apologize for not remembering the MC’s name (Edit: Jessie Baltes), but he was really good, though he only had a moustache.
There was an outside chance of bikesterism with Kinane this weekend, but it wasn’t meant to be. Nonetheless, I rode bikes solo. I guess you could say I’m a lone wolf. A tiger, stalking through Siberian woods. I am the sperm whale of weekend biking—out there solo, large, white, head full of spermaceti, just wrecking shit when I breach—mmmmmmrrrrrrrrmmmmmmSPLASH.
I was riding at Cam-rock, A place I had been avoiding because I was afraid it was more xc-ski trails than bike trails. But I was way wrong. It’s only 8 miles of trails, but it’s certainly enough to keep you busy for a couple hours. Tons of places to get the bike off the ground, if only for a few feets, and then there’s some of this shit:
C’mon señor? You’re really just going put that there and be all like “DO IT.” Fuck it, I had to do a couple walkovers.
Fair warning: Cam-Rock is in GlassedEyecountry. Trust no one.
You ready to time travel?
Last weekend, I decided to take the fixer out for a spin. I was gonna pop off an easy 14 miles and had my turn around point set up. The thing is, I fucking hate out and back routes. So I got to my turn around point and decided to run the full lake loop. 23 miles lets do it. Who needs water?
Not the smartest thing I have every done. The Lake Mendota lake loop is so poorly marked, it’s under construction, and for part of it, it’s mega-cluttered by University students.
The suburbs never let me down on the hate front. Hate coming out. Hate going in. The hate coming out is usually the more serious type. Por ejemplo, dude shooting up a Sikh temple in the suburbs of Milwaukee. Of course that sort of white supremacy festers in the white-flight suburbs. How you gonna raise a family telling them, “Well, we moved out here to drollsville, because it’s just more our style.” Which is code for “it’s just whiter,” which essensially means we don’t care to live next to people unlike us.
I get that, I also know I don’t want to live out there. Exurbers can have that zone, but you can’t complain when your kid grows up to be a hatecrimer or a mountain lion eats your gramma. You brought that shit on yourself.
Then again I’m a hypocrite, so I also choo-choo-choose to hate the suburbs. Though my hate tends to be much more lighthearted. I hate the ultra wide streets with no bike lane, the lack of dingy bars, and fucking massive convenience stores.
You know what else I hate? The free time exurbers have to come up with reveal cakes. That is some shit. You’re gonna learn the gender of your fetus by having it delivered to you as a surprise in the form of cake? Ridiculousity.
Or is it? I mean cake kinda makes everything better, right? Plus, if it’s a public event you gotta keep your cool when you discover things. I might start using reveal cakes to break news to my friends, enemies and family.
Following the tradition of reveal cakes, all cakes will be covered in white frosting, and the color of the cake is code for the revelation: blue cake means a boy and pink cake means a girl. Here are some other options:
Cheesecake = Probably not an athlete Lemon Poppyseed = Jaundiced Cupcake = Premmie! Marble Cake = Unsure of the father Ice Cream Cake = Stillbirth Rum Cake = Fetal alcohol positive
And it doesn’t have to be just about children, check
Angel Food Cake = It’s terminal Confetti Cake = I slept with your sister and it was fairly good Chocolate Cherry Cake = I gave you genital warts Yellow Cake = We’re poor Flourless Vegan Cake = Merry Christmas from your atheist neighbors Pound Cake = I’m in the kitchen, cutting my wrists
In case you were too busy pretending yesterday was the 4th of July, You may not have noticed that yesterday really was Canada Day. It may also be that you know absolutely nothing of the holiday. Luckily, I’m here to help, and I’ve collected these facts from my twitter account.
Canada Day Facts: • Expect to find barbeques, fireworks and small candies in the shape of Terese Canada (founder of Canada). • In Canada, it’s not called Canada Day. They just call it Jour. • The city of Canada was founded 145 years ago when Terese Canada (founder of Canada) said “Fuck it, you can have everything south of the lakes” • ‘Tis tradition on this day for Canadians to stand at the border chanting “LOL WTF” and mocking the exchange rate. • Much like in the United States, the land between Toronto and Vancouver is known as “the mush-over provinces.” • Canada’s most abundant export is fuel for regressive, fear-mongering speeches in the United States (100% renewable!) • Are you guys for real with the $450 price tags on those Canada Goose vests? • Canada Day celebrations can often go on for kilodays. • The Maple Leaf was only put on the Canadian flag in 1991. Before that, it was 2 red bars and Neil Young’s face. • The Royal Canadian Mounted Police, or “Mounties,” get to wear jeans to work on Canada Day. • Right now in Canada, there is a dude, still in his bed, tweeting Greenland Day jokes. • Raghib “The Rocket” Ismail still wears his Toronto Argonauts jersey on this day. • Yellowknife is blowing-the-fuck-up today. • 145 years ago today Canadians were discovered living peacefully atop the United States. • I asked a real life Canadian about the Canada Geese (birds, not vests). She was like “Fuck them. They shit everywhere.” • Terese Canada (founder of Canada) named the bird the Canada Goose because it sucks and would act as an asshole deterrent. • Brackendale, BC, Canada is the Bald Eagle capital of earth. Every July 4, the mayor calls America to remind us of this. • Kokanee • The state of Vermont buys its electricity from HydroQuebec, this was one of the trade terms for Emanuelle Chriqui on our TVs. • Terese Canada (founder of Canada) claimed the shape of the ScotiaBank Saddledome was due to the USAer roofers they hired. • Tim Horton’s corpse is paraded through the streets of Thunder Bay every year on this day. • Seeattached image. • In Canada, MCA, Johnny Cash and JDilla are still alive. DJ AM is still really dead. • In Torontario there is a restaurant, Acadia, and there they have a waiter who will
Wind In His Hair: From the Mouth of Aretha Franklin’s Corpse
Today we’re gonna talk about respect. This is uncommon for me. But there comes a time in a man’s life where he has to make a change if he wants to see a change. For me that change needs to be made in my own neighborhood. It involves a street I walk or bike on almost daily. Williamson Street. “Willy Street” in the dominant vernacular.
Let’s get this right. Williamson Street sucks. It’s an anachronism. It’s Madison’s Neanderthal brow and vestigial tail. It’s the reason you can’t have nice things.
On my walk down Williamson Street I pass a gun shop, a bead store, a watch battery shop, a co-op where they feel the need to remind me I have to pay a surcharge on my lettuce because I’m not a member every time I’m in there, A Jamaican restaurant, painted to look like the flag, a Labor movement themed Realty office, a second hand store, 2 tattoo parlors, a grip of salons that Xine used to go to when she had blue hair, several other resturants and bars, several places that might be restaurants or might be just large patios, And a Paleontologist’s office. But that last place is pretty badass.
Of the houses on Williamson Street, I would guess 80 percent are in disrepair. 15 percent are acceptable and 5 percent are recently built condos. Perhaps this is a sign of gentrification, and for the first time I welcome it. But those 80 percent in shambles places, they have shit like mannequins on their porches and balconies, or maybe they haven’t mowed their lawn since ’06, or they are using Tibetan prayer flags as siding.
And you can’t ever say, “Yo neighbor, your house looks like shit,” or “Hey bru, I understand that your jungle lawn is your way of sticking it to the oil and lawn mower companies. But maybe you could pick up the empty beer cans, cig packs, and Vote Kerry door hangers that are floating around in that jungle.”
You can’t ever say that because then you become the man. How you gonna oppress a neighbor like that?
But it’s not just the residents, it’s the denizens as well. The speed limit on Williamson is clearly posted at 25mph, but never has a speeding ticket been issued on the street because everyone slows to 16mph. Traffic has one lane in each direction and there are always left-turning cocksuckers holding up traffic near the co-op where they feel the need to remind me I have to pay a surcharge on my lettuce because I’m not a member every time I’m in there. On the rare occasion I have to drive to my office, it often takes me longer to drive than bike.
It was on a recent weekend drive down the street that a girl darted in front of the silver spurt. There was traffic not far ahead, so I assume I was rolling at a solid 21mph. This girl was pushing her shitty bike and not using a crosswalk, but that is minimal. I should also mention she was not wearing shoes. As this girl had no sense of urgency in her mosey, I had to nearly stop and I’m sure I gave her a look that said, “Fuck you and fuck this entire street.”
When she was almost out of the road, she turned back to me and mouthed, “Slow down.” She may have actually said it, but I didn’t know. I had the windows up, a/c on blast, and El-P turned up to eleven. I’m unsure if she heard the amazering that came out of my mouth but I think she got the point from my face. At the top of my lungs, in my car, I know I told her to go fuck herself and threatened to run her ass over on the sidewalk , back up and do it again, piss on her stupid fucking hippie feet and drive 10mph into her face. I’m also sure I used the word cunt 2-4 times and told her she had a shitty bike.
Then I started driving again.
Which brings me to the respect theme. I feel part of the reason Williamson Street is so shitty is that it goes by Willy. Willy doesn’t instill pride in anyone. Willy doesn’t get business done. Willy paints his front door orange, because he wants to. Willy’s gonna wear a tie-dyed phish tee with the neck all stretched out to a job interview and then blame corporate America when he doesn’t get the job. Willy rides his bike on the sidewalk. Willy is a piece of shit.
These three pics are all of a typical day on Williamson Street. The images were lifted from Aniafieldsphotoart.com.
To extrapolate, there is the term “sconnie” which some people seem to think is a cute way to refer to Wisconsin, or people from Wisconsin. I’m gonna be straight with you. Everyone who thinks “sconnie” is appropriate deserves the crappy, rights-rapey, state government we have in place.
This place is Wisconsin. I am a Wisconsinite.
Or preferably a Wisconsonian.
Stands With A Fist:
This part features no less levity. For real. Look at this.
Une: Let’s get this shit kickstarted. International playboy and all around rad dude, the outlaw Jonah Whipp is trying to raise some money for his movie. It would be cool if you could throw some dollars at it. But if you can’t, at leastcheck it out. I got hopes for this.
The :10 mark just kills it.
Ps. Dude still owes me a dragon’s head from when took my backpack and went to Taipei.
Doubles: Since we are talking about the moving picture, this came out recently:
It is an important thing to talk about with your friends. However, the same cannot be said about still images. Por ejemplo, I have recently taken these two pics of Madison. One vertical and one horizontal. As you can see, they both do great job of capturing the utter ridiculousness of life on this isthmus.
Unicycles would just look ridiculous in horizontal pics
3way: Tough break for the working class in Wisconsin last week. Things are shaky, but I’m trying to see the positives, so I wrote up this list.
and he was certainly one of those people I wish I knew better and for longer. He now lives somewhere near me. On the night of the WiscoDischord he blasted this shit out:
So I know his brain and heart are still in the correct place.
4rd. I was flipping through channels the other night, probably trying to get between Pawn Stars and Property Brothers, and I got locked up on some station because I thought I heard a Polica track. So I was stuck there for the opening five minutes. Turns out I was watching Saving Hope some civil service drama about a hospital. I imagine it’s much like Grey’s Anatomy without that broad that looks like she just blew Acid Man. No, not Sandra Oh. You racist.
So naturally I shared my experience on the tweetbox, and this interaction followed:
It seems that dude is the dude who puts music into schlocky tv shows to hook rubes like me.
On pretty much a daily basis, I blow my own mind by thinking that someone pays me money to write things and just make shit up. I think I’m pretty fortunate. Then I see @DavidHayman’s gig at Supersonic Creative and I get a little jealous. Plus he’s a Torontarian.
1rd You guys want to discuss the gyro. Weirdest style of meat available. I suspect it’s just one level above hot dogs. Maybe even one level below Hebrew Nationals. But it’s a fucking fantastic sodium delivery vehicle. 2st Use your Crocodile lisinopril dosage Dundee voice for this one: “That’s not a yard sale. This is a yard sale.” Seriously, Madison, what the fuck? doxycycline dosage Is this neighborhood zoned for slummage and landfillery? 3th I get this ridiculous neighborhood newsletter. Presumably, so I’m alerted to parades, cut-rate famers’ markets and what buildings are now open to squatting. As with 90 percent of what arrives via the mail, http://levitradosage-uses.com/ I was going to toss this directly into the recycling bin. Then I noticed picture on the first page. I also noticed the amount of copy on the first page. It’s a miracle anyone does anything but throw away this newsletter. ttly tl dr. But the pic is what’s important. Oh dang, that’s Dengue Fever. I like that band. It seems they’re playing
some event in my neighborhood. So I skim the first page. I get nothing. Turn to page two. Fuck the story isn’t there. Instead I have to turn to page 6 or 8 or some shit. Like this is goddamned Wired magazine. Muthafucking Outside. Like a friggin Playboy softcore mag. But instead of getting interrupted with a fashionable tank top slipping off some sweet juggs, I was only interrupted by more words. So I roll over to page six or whatever and I skim again, focusing
on the bolded words. Again I see nothing. Fuck this. One more time. Slower now. Finally. They are playing Saturday night. No idea of the time or place. The festival is called the Marquette Waterfront Festival, so naturally it’s on the Waterfront, right? Well here’s the rub, asshole — I live on an isthmus. Two waterfronts for you to go fuck yourself with. It honestly took me like twenty minutes to find out when and where. In fact, it took so long to learn the details, the deets, the deet-a-leets I ended up missing the show. That was a lie. I’ll be seeing them tomorrow night. If you’re in Madison, you should too.
@BillyNorfWoods is getting married this weekend. Coincidently, so is Aldu Fawnchawn. But not to each other. I’ve been here for like 10 months now and I still have yet to meet up with BillyNorf. I think that shit should change.
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That wall grip has mall grip.
What’s next, mangos with bongos skating mongo through the mangroves?
Unlikely, you can’t skate where the mangroves grow.