Archive for the ‘Meta’ Category

2013-11: Remember the year 2000? It seems some of us are still there.

Tuesday, January 29th, 2013

Thanks to Larsma: I now know about this:

I’m not even gonna break this down. Just know that every single second of this video is horrible.

Also, Bam has perfected the nothern-wisconsin hunter man shitbag facial hair.

Listen up, if you want some real-deal info on putting your peep in you butt, I documented it three years ago, you can read it, right here in this Classic Rumorator Post.

Funny how the shame hasn’t even set in that post yet.

Double Down Like KFC:

Thanks to the dude over at Illicit Snowboarding I’m pretty sure I need a horse head fleece. I should be product testing those.

Lastly:

I am so stoked on what’s going down over the next few days. Big tings,man. Rude boiz, What what.

2013-7: Fake MeatTaco Tuesday ’round Here.

Tuesday, January 15th, 2013

1nd
Well, it seems I gambled and lost on buying my Denver ticket this year. Should have just grabbed one when they were $220. Now they’re creeping towards $500. Gross. Actually considering driving the Tacomer out there. Jesus, that would be shitty.

Honestly I have made that drive, and other drives just like it so many times. I’ve driven six hours to ride for two in the past. But now that just seems excessive. Perhaps some of the youthful stoke is gone. Or is it just the energy? Dammit. I cannot be that old yet.

I might have to round up the old crew an see if anyone else is down for road tripping. Fuck it. I’ll just buy the damn ticket.

Now you’re probably like, “Oh, Rumorator, you piece of shit, why are you going to Denver. You gonna rent cars and drive around and maybe ride some snowboards?”

Nope. Just talking to people, trying to give foolz something interesting to look at and read about. Maybe even something to listen to. How’s that for a fucking teaser. Yes.

Speaking of Yes now boards. I got hit in the face with one of their shirts the other day.  So now I own it. Dang. We’re playing by Birch Street rules round here.

2th Rise of the Micro Edit

I’m kinda unsure who to blame this on, but I’m going to go with the media. We have shit like the XGames Real Snow conditioning us to watch edits that are 1:15 long. In this fast-paced media landscape, that’s all the typical brain can process before it shuffles back over to boobs and asses.

I mean that’s kinda true, but on the other hand, it’s not like a 3-minute edit is the worst. Unless it is, you know, the worst.  Take the latest submission from Yawgoons. That thing could be six minutes long and I’d still sit through it 5-6 times. But that one is pretty much the opposite of worst.

Exploring the logical extremes we have to look at what we used to have: Full movies with heaps of well-known riders. Everything was polished. Shit, Mark Frank was lighting blunts off hundred dolla-dolla bills, y’all. But that didn’t matter because you were probably asleep by then. All the slow-motion footage was a drag.

If you go way back you were even watching this shit on VHS and you’d have to rewind just to catch Peter Line’s part in the Melt Down Project. Ugh, why was it the credits that always woke you up?  Times was tuff.

At the other end we have 1:15 edits. Which, when done wrong is the worst minute plus of your life.

Let’s take a look at this edit:

Mammouth Durette from Snowboard Jamboree on Vimeo.

I’m not insulting this dudes ridermanship. He’s fairly killer and the ender is a proper ender. But we are looking at 15 shots here. Some are just different angles, so it’s like 12 tricks. Plus, the first 16 seconds are just promo stuff.  He put out a :51 second edit. Crazed. Good for him for having a beer sponsor, though. That’s a strong move.  I need to get one of those.

Now, let’s extrapolate more. How many seasons until we have just one-trick edits? Imagine, 20 seconds of intro, then BOOM! Opening shot, ender, all the filler, all in one.  This dude had it locked 10 years ago.

3st
Do you guys realize the amount of work that went into that “Birch Street rules” line? RESEARCHED.

4rd
Since we’re on the topic of edits, smash your head on this wall.

2013-4: Meta-analysis part 1

Tuesday, January 8th, 2013

Section A :
Big changes going on over on the Rumorator twitter account. Yes, MFers this is news. Okay, maybe not news, but certainly it cannot be less important than Mercedes-Benz making a boring-ass ad with Rob Kingwell.

People be all like, “Oh, wolfism. Real original.” But you know what? Fuck’em. Everything has been done and the hackery is in the details. Three-wolf shirts? Over. But Jack London and White Fang. That scat is still as fresh as it was in 1906. We’re on the trail of something bigger here. WolfDog for sure.

It’s about the apex-predatory alliance. Dudes in India are faced with this this everyday: Do I want to be the Tiger, the most feared and elusive beast on the planet? Or do I want to be a Hanuman Langur? Shackled and made to do the bidding of the human hand that feeds me. If dude lived underwater, is he gonna want to be a mollusk? Or Orcinus Orca?

Apex predatory envy.

Man, I once had a dream I faked my own death to get a mamajama to pay attention to me and Micheal Ian Black had the role of fraudulent funeral director. Leading lady was played by Emily Z, who I knew from cafflick church in my youth. She was still rocking that eye patch she had to wear for a few weeks in second grade, too. And see, that put a lot of people off Emily Z. But last time I saw her, like a decade plus ago, she was Wisconsin-cute.

That is Apex predatoryism. Time isn’t even an issue. Even in my sleep. White Faang.

Part two:
I caught this little video over on Todd Richards’ shill site. And it is good.

One Run – Austin Smith from Nitro Snowboards on Vimeo.

That dude can ride snowboards well, and in an appealing manner.

2012-73: Defacing Facts

Monday, October 22nd, 2012

Part 1: I Said, What Time is It?

Supposedly, even a busted watch is right twice a day. Unless of course that watch features a minute that flops around like my donger on date night. A half hour before she asks what’s wrong and 35 minutes before I end up crying in my car.

Anyway, here’s your proof:

Filmed on location. In my office. TODAY!

Part 2: I guess it’s time to get down

This shit is so good:

You might want to grab his new record. You can get it today at Fifth Element.

Trips:

Like all you MFers don’t keep your peanut butter in the refrigerador?

2012-41: The At-Home Oddities Museum

Friday, April 20th, 2012

1nd: Reject

I’m not a writer. I mean, sure I type words and make marks with pens and pencils, but I’m more of an ideas man. It’s only because of my crippling lisp that I have to use words to communicate my genius. Thus, I am a writer, not a lecturer. And as a writer I have become accustomed to the ever-popular “rejection.” Both from ladies and literary outlets.

Today, I present you with my latest idea, communicated through words, that has been rejected from the pages of Real Simple magazine

Dear Real Simple Editors:
It’s been a while, eh chums? Before I progress with my surefire piece, I must apologize for the balloons filled with duck urine. It seemed like harmless prank at the time. And who could have predicted they would burst? On your new couch made of popsicle sticks and collected cat hair no less. If any amount of money could replace such a one-of-a-kind item I would certainly offer it.

But, on to more pressing matters. Below you will find easy-to-follow instructions for the creation of an Oddities Museum at home. I’m sure your readers will love it!

  • Fill a Mason jar with formaldehyde, add a pair of Oakley Blades. Label this “Abe Lincoln’s Sunnies!”
  • Fill a Mason jar with formaldehyde, add all of the fortune cookie fortunes you have collected from that take-out place around the corner over the past six months. Label this “Chinese New Year.”
  • Hang a picture of your father before he turned to drug use to escape the horrors that were his life. In this picture he is playing flag football. You suspect he might be in fourth or fifth grade. The frame is cheaply made of plastic. Label this “Lil Superstar.”*
  • Fill a Mason jar with formaldehyde, add Lo Pan. Label this “Lo Pan.”
  • Fill a Mason jar with formaldehyde, add a baby (a doll would work here as well). Label this “Dubstep.”
  • Fill a Mason jar will with formaldehyde, and add Zooey Deschanel. Label this “The Shittiest Version of the 1960’s We Could Come Up With in the Early 2000s.”
  • Fill a Mason jar with formaldehyde, add A VHS tape of Dances With Wolves that has been taped over to record the 1992 Grammy Awards pre-show. (TimeSavers Tip!™: You needn’t really tape over this Kevin Costner classic, you can just say you did. No one actually has a VCR with which to prove you wrong anyway. Real museums use this technique all the time with things like dinosaurs). Label this “American History.”
  • Fill a Mason jar with formaldehyde, add a man riding a bike with no hands. But you need to be sure the man has no hands. I mean, that’s what makes it the oddity. Label this: “Blood Sport.”
  • Fill a mason jar with formaldehyde. Label this “Kombucha, essentially.”
  • Fill a mason jar with formaldehyde, add a shark. Label this “The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living: the remix.”

* This piece is on loan from your grandmother.

Thanks guys. Please be sure to let me know when you’re publishing this one. I’m smelling Pulitzer!

Sincerely,

Greg from Rumorator.com

2st: Happy Birthday Marijuana

Pretty much the best Promo you’re going to see today.

And here’s some weed talk.

Powering UP!

Tuesday, October 18th, 2011

Rumorator Classics #1: Valentines 2010

Tuesday, September 6th, 2011

Republished from February 12, 2010, Mostly because I’m busy, or lazy.

I’ve been holding off publishing this one for a while now. I wanted to be sure I could hang it up on a proper day. And since we are heading into the the lovage holiday, I though I would toss it up now. Just to let everyone know what’s out there and what you can do to make your Valentine’s a little bit more exciting.

A while ago I came home to find  a package  in my mailbox from my main man Goggles. He’s some media hotshot in NYC and deals with Johnson & Johnson,  in turn he deals with KY. The dude knew that I tend to put my penis in places and could probably use some lube. So imagine my delight when I found the package of KY His and Hers. Color me stoked.

Now if you haven’t used His and Hers, here’s the break down. It’s two tubes of  lubes. The His is slightly mentholated and cooling, while the Hers is warming and probably cinnamon oil based. They are supposed to combine and lead to some fantastic sexxxing. Ultimately it’s a mild numbing sensation on the man and a heater on the women. Think of it like Ambesol and Icy Hot.

I was pretty anxious to slap a little of the juice on my peep and start humping, and that meant I needed to find someone to hump with. So I started hanging out in bars, hitting on the kind of women who looked like they might be into some  regret and fake names. I even got the estate set up so that when the ladies came over they would know what kind of kink they we about to get into. And for all you readers out there consider this image your warning:

Like you know anyone who’s got a better sex set-up than that. “Oh you want me to read to you? That’s cool, I got some reading materials right here. I’ll read to you by candle light. You want to listen to some sexy music? It’s way good, it’s french. Or are you more into punk? I got some of that too.  You need to replenish after the serious bout of love making? I can understand that. Here, eat some peppers. But first, can you crush some up in your hands and rub it on my ding? Yeah that’s right.”

Anyway, I was having some trouble finding a partner who wanted to take part in this experiment. So I lowered my standards a little bit. Still, it seems women are really not down with having sex with me while I tweet about it and put it on my blog the next day. Figures.

But I knew that this lube set was a gift, and I needed to share it with my readers. You see promotional shit like this is what you get when you’re a level 2 bloggerman. So I decided I needed to do some self testing on these products. To prepare for this I put on my cowboy hat, and grabbed a cigarette and a bible. As shown in figure 1.0:


So I then looked at some smutty websites, thought about the chick from Lost and got ready to the apply the lube. Now I know right now you’re thinking this turns into some kind story about me just watching filth and rubbing one out for Valentine’s day. But no, I simply waited until I had an ample erection and tossed on the His lube. Now if you remember back, I said it had a slight numbing quality to it. Well that does two things. One: it makes you last a bit longer when it comes to the actual banging. And two: it kind of gives you three-quarters wood.  So with my raging 75%-er I then put my right leg up on the arm of my couch and bent my peep under, to my butt. I also changed into a stocking cap because I was cold standing about all naked. Once I made sure it could reach (like I didn’t already know) I then squirted some of the Hers lube on my  my asshole and just slipped the dick in, as seen in figure 2:


At that point I pretty much just spent the rest of the evening clinching and unclinching my ass cheeks. Occasionally I would sit down or back-up against the wall.

Coda: I think the His and Hers works well as a lube. It mean it was nothing too magical. Maybe it works differently in a vagina. Maybe someday I’ll find out. But when you have to use lube you might as well get the added benefits of the His and Hers.

Bloggerman disclosure: I did not pay for the KY His and Hers.

Sightings

Monday, August 22nd, 2011

Berserk werk day update

Wednesday, August 3rd, 2011

It just got better:

If you still don’t own this album, you’re missing the greatest thing since Ramones tee-shirts.

The Starts

Friday, April 15th, 2011

We rolled into Whistler this afternoon. The first words out of A-man’s mouth were, “I don’t even know what we’re doing here. This is a huge mistake.”

Proof:

But then there was this, which was good to see:

Then we ate late lunch/early dinner and thought of johann:

This whole place is beyond weird. Think of every joke and stereotype you have ever heard, and then put goggles on it, and you have Whistler. So far out. Really, My mind is blowing. It’s not blown, it’s being blown further every moment.ow can it only be 6:30pm? Fucking red shift around the edges. All that.

Stay Tuned.