Archive for the ‘Our Far Flung Correspondent’ Category

Just the tip…

Tuesday, January 8th, 2013

HEY THERE!

It’s been a while since I posted anything, and for that I apologize. Who would’ve thought that rocking out on #Funemployment would take up so much of my time?

First, let’s play catch up, shall we? Here’s a list of shit that happened since my last entry:

• I got lifted many a times, and was drawn in by the McRib’s siren song many times over.
• I got my elderly swag on as I played bingo at Foxwoods. Won nothing, but did some damn good people watching.
• I got engaged! To a girl, at that! Gross, right? You’re all invited to the wedding; bring money.
• Christmas happened. Didn’t get a Red Ryder BB Gun as I had desired. Did get a Lawrence Taylor autographed Giants mini helmet though. He is def my fav linebacker-turned-sex offender of all time.
• I played snowboards just ONCE since my first time this year. Yea, I know I’m a terrible person, but at least I made it count and went out while it was puking (by CT standards) snow.
• Connecticut experienced a few different snow falls, most recent and notable was the one that dropped over 10+ inches on us when the weatherfolk were saying it’d do no more than 1″-3″.
• Turned another year older and spent the day at the Giants/Eagles football contest in the Drrrty Jerzz. Giants romped the Sheagles and we (the entire stadium) got to bid Andy Reid farewell by chanting “EAGLES SUCK!” as one. Joke’s on us though…both our teams suck.

Now, on to more or less the “snowboard” portion of this piece. During my last outing, I noticed a pain in my big toe every time I turned heel side. It felt as if it was hitting the top/right side of the boot/liner and was causing me discomfort. Now, I am not gonna sit here and claim that I am the sharpest tool in the shed, but when I bought the boots (Burton Imperials) last year, they were fine. I know how to buy boots/shoes. Being a sneakerhead, I’d have to throw myself into a raging dumpster fire if I didn’t, right? Had them heat molded to my dogs and rode on them plenty. So you can see how this could be a concern.

There are a few things that may or may not be the reason behind the pain I was experiencing:
1.) I had just recently replaced the stock insoles with Superfeet (blue) insoles, and they seem a bit thicker and were causing my toe to bulge upwards a bit more. I could grind them down slightly by using a sander but have not yet done so.
2.) I may have gained weight and in doing so, gravity being the bitch that it is, pulled all my fattyness to my big toe and is fucking with me.
3.) Maybe my boots shrunk back after packing out last season.
4.) I’m some sort of mutant Chernobyl baby with one foot slightly bigger than the other.
5.) All of the above.

No matter what the reason, something had to change, ASAP! So, I set out to do the only thing I could think of doing in order to alleviate the affected area besides sawing off my big toe…I was dead set on trimming the toe area of the liner. I mean, ANY bit of material taken off would surely help, right? So I hope the tips that follow on how to trim a liner the Czarek Leopold Kielbaski Way™ will help some of you out there.

Step One:
Rip a few bong hits. This is an essential step.

Step One*point*Five:
Remove the liner from the boot. If you don’t know how to do this, then we can’t be friends, and i wish great harm on you.

Pull it out…yeaaaaaa…jusssst like thaaat…

Step Two:
Circle the area you wish to trim down using some sort of marker that will show on the material. I used a jizz stick.

“O” marks the spot…

Step Three:
Get your dremel tool out. Oh, what’s that? You have a dremel but the only available bit is too dull? What else, you’re a baller and are gonna use a drill press with a round grinding bit? Ok, Play Boy, but make sure the press is set to the fastest speed, else you’re gonna do nothing to it but tease the tip just like when you would grind at the 8th grade dances.

“I don’t think so, Tim.” “Fuck you, Al!”

 

Step Three*point*Five:
Now I’m sure there are people out there that will stress safety, and recommend you wear some sort of protective eye wear or something. I mean, you could, but if safety was up there on our list, step one wouldn’t be what it is. So, relax, pussy, get to grinding. Gently grind the tip (giggity) of the liner and you’ll notice it start to fray. Work up towards and into the material that is fraying to loosen it.

Gleaming that cube…

 

Step Three*point*Five*point*Five:
You’ll see the material give way to the foam underneath. Now, this is where I called it quits with the grinder as I wasn’t sure if there was one more layer under the foam or not. Don’t want to go through it as you’ll have cold toes and be pretty pissed at the world. I picked the material by hand and was able to separate it from some more foam as well.

pay dirt…

Step Four:
Use a blade, be it Xacto or a simple razor from a box cutter, and get your cut on. This should be easy for you Bieber fans out there. Use the blade to cut the remainder of frayed material off of the area you circled, leaving that foam exposed. That foam, without material on it, will more than likely be all that you need to allow your toe stretch through.

“Imma cut you so bad, you gon’wish I didn’t cut you so bad.”

Step Five:
Stuff that liner back in there like a boss & try that em effer on and walk it out. For me it worked to the tune of feeling better, but I have not yet rode the boot. Hopefully will tomorrow and see how it feels. If the problem persists i will give sanding the insole down a bit a go.

Get in where you fit in. Also, don’t judge me for wearing sweatpants in public. I iz fat.

Hopefully this DIY tutorial helped. If it didn’t, and you read all this anyhow, what the fuck is wrong with you?

-CLK

Spreading the stoke & other shit

Tuesday, November 27th, 2012

Last Wednesday, the day before Turkey Day, I took a 2 1/2 hour drive up to Killington in the green state of Vermont to ride. Day one of the season. I was pretty amped for it. Making it more exciting was the fact that I was going up with a friend who I had never rode with, and it was just his 3rd time on shred stick ever. He told me what he could do and what he has done, and much to his credit he didn’t hype himself up and claim to able to charge it when in reality all he could do was the falling leaf. Emphasis on “falling”. Because if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s when a person is all like “I get sick with it on a snowboard” and when I ride with them they are exposed as a fraud. That’s grounds for tar and feathering. I never hype myself up. Never. Once someone finds out I ride and am then asked if I’m “any good” at snowboard riding, I usually laugh it off and say something corny like “I guess, I dunno, I just like to have fun.” I rarely explain that this is my 21st year riding or that I have taught people how to ride as an instructor since age 15 (though long since worked as one) or that I once had USASA Level 2 coaching certification and coached freestyle snowboarding (park) up at a little hill in New Hampshire. Me? Brag about shit like that? Never.

Anyhow, my buddy was very humble and said he wasn’t good, and he even feared that I would get upset at his lack of skill and be pissed he was holding me back from having fun. Nonsense. I love spreading the stoke, especially when it’s to a friend doing something I love. He even bought my lift ticket as a “thanks for sticking it out with me” show of appreciation…or simply because he’s the shit.

There were only a handful of trails open and the “bunny hill” wasn’t one of them so I looked at him and said, “guess we’re taking it to the top”, as I pointed to the gondola. I could tell he was a little scared at what he was going to face at the summit, but I assured him the green runs were really mellow, and that he wanted a bit more pitch as it’d help him out. Riding up in the gondy, he was snapping pics on his phone, sporting a giant grin and looking more excited than nervous.

view behind us as we moved towards the heavens.

I won’t go into the specifics of what was taught and how, as we’ve all been there and can pretty much imagine what went down. But know this: he had his balance and could control his board from killing people downhill from him. However, he could not turn for shit. Yet. The length of the run we were taking was probably just under a mile. Took us almost an hour. Constant stopping, coaching and assuring he was good and not going to kill himself or others if he just gave turning a try. Got to the bottom. He was SOAKED with sweat, and he didn’t layer too heavily either. He was getting a serious workout. We each slammed a bottle of water down the hatch and decided to run it back. Off to the gondola we went.

This time, he finally started to link turns, riding with shit tons more confidence, and stopped less frequently. Making it even more impressive, is that the man-made snow was turning really mashed potato-like and becoming harder on the legs to keep the edges up. He didn’t care. He rocked that shit. The level of stoke and confidence he had hit was the highest I saw all day. All of what I was saying to him was starting to click. Total time, on the same run, to the bottom this go around: maybe 30 minutes. He was exhausted. And rightfully so. Called it quits after that, which is something I told him there is no shame in. I told him only he knows when he’s had enough and when to walk off the hill before possibly getting hurt. I also explained to him to never call last run. He understood. So I took a few solo runs, and I too got tired. After all, it was my first day of the season and my legs were burning.

the stick says it all.

We both had a great first day. On the ride home we discussed his progress, music and where to eat. I was going to introduce him to the glory that is Tacos Tacos in Ludlow, but he was adamant that I drive south to Brattleboro and hit up The Vermont Country Deli. I had never been and I was happy I took his advice to stop there. HOLY SHIT is the food there great! I got a cup of baked potato, cheddar and prosciutto soup and a honey bbq ham sammich in a garlic & herb wrap. Both were quite tasty, but the soup was good enough to stab someone over if they got between me and it. The fact that it looked like baby vomit did nothing to deter me from destroying it in a matter of minutes. I could have gotten so much more awesomeness too; they had pulled pork, mac & cheese, pot stickers any sammich your little heart desired and more candy, pop corn, chocolate and pastries than your little heart could desire. I had wished I had smoked before stopping in just so I would’ve ordered more…because the worst case scenario is that I’d have leftovers.

if you don’t stop here, you’re an asshole.

It’s safe to say that I am looking forward to playing snowboards this season. Got yet another person addicted to it. And in no time, I’m sure, he’ll be slaying it along my side. If you haven’t had a chance to ride yet this year, I feel bad for you. It’s pretty much all that and a bag of chips…but I’m sure you already knew that.

As far as other shit that happened since then: there was Thanksgiving (meh), and then Black Friday when some shopping was done by yours truly and topped off by rewarding/punishing myself with McDonald’s breakfast. Egg McMuffins just need to be had sometimes. Also, there was football. Specifically, Giants vs. Packers football. Suck it Wisconsin. And finally, I went to a job fair yesterday to see if I could become gainfully employed again. Seeing as I have been riding the #Funemployment wave and watching oodles of Law & Order, Law & Order SVU and Law & Order Criminal Intent, I figured I’d shoot for the stars and get me a lawyer or detective job. Didn’t want a property manager or building super position though…they, more often than not, seem to be the ones that always find the dead bodies and have to call it in to the cops. Dunno if I could handle that kinda responsibility on top of finding the drain snake to clear the obstruction in the sink in apartment 5E. Anyhow, no such luck finding any jobs that I liked or that started off with a salary of over $500,000/year.

rispekt.

 

-CLK

#Funemployment

Tuesday, November 13th, 2012

Recently I, Czarek Leopold Kielbaski, was let go from my place of employment. I won’t go into what I did for work. That’s not important. What’s important is that I am here, for all of you now. Not even entirely sure why I was let go. Of course they explained their reasoning, but as I was getting the explanation, I was simply too busy worrying about how I’d be able to maintain my affinity for smoking marijuana, (even though pot is sometimes called “trees”, I assure you they do not grow on any…at least not around here), and totally missed what they said. What I did hear, loud and clear, is my boss say that he and I can both agree that me being let go was what’s best for both the company and me. REALLY!?! How is that possible, when no sooner than 20 minutes before he came to that conclusion, I was gainfully employed and getting paid? Now, all I faced was uncertainty.

Also, a part of me was holding in every bit of assholeishness™ towards my soon-to-be ex managers. I really wanted to let my true voice be heard, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my work experiences in this world it’s not to burn any bridges. That’s not to say I haven’t planted the C-4 at the critical load bearing structural points of said bridges, just waiting to go down in a flame of revenge.

All of what I said above is merely back-story and filler, not really too important. More just venting, really. I may or may not go out and find one of those “job” things we’re supposed to have. But in the meantime I’m collecting unemployment and will be typing out my thoughts on all things shred, sneakers, highdea, cinema, fruit snacks, music, fitteds, fast food, sports, oil paintings, geological, politics, Price Is Right, Illuminati, internet, gambling, booze, party, health, wood shop & errthang in between.

Had this happened in April or May I would have had to off myself, as I am not a fan of summer or my balls stretching so far from the heat that I accidentally sit on them. but seeing as it happened now, and winter is around the corner, I welcome this situation with open arms. I can’t see myself not capitalizing on the ability to play snowboards as often as possible and maybe even hitting up the casinos and putting a squaw or two through college with my loses. Well, maybe not college as I am no baller like that, but I’ll def be able to cover the costs of her books and Trapper Keepers & Lisa Frank accessories or whatever is in nowadays.

I was already here, albeit briefly before, and life intervened and I had no clue how to balance being awesome on the internet and chasing a career I didn’t really want. So, as I type this, eagerly awaiting the snow season’s true arrival, listening to the 80′s Pop station on Pandora and wondering what I’ll want to devour once I get lifted higher than the moon later tonight, know that I am excited for being back here. And maybe my boss was right…this is what’s best for me. Thanks.

-CLK