Archive for the ‘product reviews’ Category

2012-35: Your Recommended Daily Allowance

Thursday, April 5th, 2012

Get your recommend daily allowance of awesome right here.

Breakfast: Bloggerman/Bloggermama Oatmeal

I’ve been scoping blogs. Yeah, I’ve been scoping a couple of new ones.

This first one is from Hattie, the lady with the false rock star husband. Our enetz personas go way back—turn of the century style. I’m talking Developer. I’m talking the time BA gave us all Star Wars Avatars then had to take them away style because we were enetz assholes. I’m talking webforum days.

She’s still got heat, so you might want to check it out.

The Second is Rhys, who I’ve mentioned on here before. This dude makes me realize I need to spend about 500 percent more time in Torontario. His bikerman images are pretty great. Plus, I totally want to see the custom-made cod-piece atop which his gopro must be mounted.

Lunch: Little Donkey

Unless you live behind a rock, you should know Instagram dropped for the Android. And now that you know it’s available, you can push back that rock and c’mon out, into the now. It seems like a good weekend for coming out from behind rocks. Just ask Jesus.

Instagram was one of the last things making me want to have an iFone or iPodTouchFone. Well, that and the Van’s Waffle Sole case. Sure the iFone has cooler accessories, but the Android is just way radder. And now that I have Instagram, I can run an Android AND hang with all my friends. I think it’s a pretty cool medium that gives you a little insight into how your friends actually look at things, what they think is interesting and what they think is worth sharing. I’m pretty stoked to have it.

Plus, you get to see stuff like this gem from fellow Yobeater, Jerm (who I was told will not acknowledge Dolphin Boy for some reason)

If you’re so inclined to watch my random pic showdown with Arpodeepo, feel free to follow along @rumorator.

Dinner: Just a Fruit Smoothie, as I’m Still Full From That Little Donkey
Pretty stoked to find this image in my facebook trough. Feel the fucking majesty.

Points to note:
• How they got a Victoria’s Secret Angel model to dress-up like a cop is beyond me. But then again, they’re models. I suspect the response was, “So you’re going to pay me to dye my wings to look like some dingy-ass flag of ‘merica AND I get to cover my boobs. Fuck it, I’m in.”
• Careful here folks, we’ve got a fucking rogue chameleon-eagle hybrid on the loose. I think you can trust when nature creates something as gnarly as a chameagle© the humans’ days are numbered.
• Given the protecting demeanor bestowed upon the police officer here, we can assume this was drawn by a white man, and probably not a New Yorker.
• 30 percent chance that cop is a pedophile.
• You see those two tall buildings in the background? I thought Boots and Pam blew-up those things years ago?
• Please explain who the “us and them” are. Cops and not cops? Terrorists and not terrorists? White folks and Obama? Android users and iFone users? Snowboarders and skiers? Humans and chameagles?

Rumorator Classics #1: Valentines 2010

Tuesday, September 6th, 2011

Republished from February 12, 2010, Mostly because I’m busy, or lazy.

I’ve been holding off publishing this one for a while now. I wanted to be sure I could hang it up on a proper day. And since we are heading into the the lovage holiday, I though I would toss it up now. Just to let everyone know what’s out there and what you can do to make your Valentine’s a little bit more exciting.

A while ago I came home to find a package

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in my mailbox from my main man Goggles. He’s some media hotshot in NYC and deals with Johnson & Johnson, in turn he deals with KY. The dude knew that I tend to put my penis in places and could probably use some lube. So imagine my delight when I found the package of KY His and Hers. Color me stoked.

Now if you haven’t used His and Hers, here’s the break down. It’s two tubes of lubes. The His is slightly mentholated and cooling, while the Hers is warming and probably cinnamon oil based. They are supposed to combine and lead to some fantastic sexxxing. Ultimately it’s a mild numbing sensation on the man and a heater on the women. Think of it like Ambesol and Icy Hot.

I was pretty anxious to slap a little of the juice on my peep and start humping, and that meant I needed to find someone to hump with. So I started hanging out in bars, hitting on the kind of women who looked like they might be into some regret and fake names. I even got the estate set up so that when the ladies came over they would know what kind of kink they we about to get into. And for all you readers out there consider this image your warning:

Like you know anyone who’s got a better sex set-up than that. “Oh you want me to read to you? That’s cool, I got some reading materials right here. I’ll read to you by candle light. You want to listen to some sexy music? It’s way good, it’s french. Or are you more into punk? I got some of that too. You need to replenish after the serious bout of love making? I can understand that. Here, eat some peppers. But first, can you crush some up in your hands and rub it on my ding? Yeah that’s right.”

Anyway, I was having some trouble finding a partner who wanted to take part in this experiment. So I lowered my standards a little bit. Still, it seems women are really not down with having sex with me while I tweet about it and put it on my blog the next day. Figures.

But I knew that this lube set was a gift, and I needed to share it with my readers. You see promotional shit like this is what you get when you’re a level 2 bloggerman. So I decided I needed to do some self testing on these products. To prepare for this I put on my cowboy hat, and grabbed a cigarette and a bible. As shown in figure 1.0:


So I then looked at some smutty websites, thought about the chick from Lost and got ready to the apply the lube. Now I know right now you’re thinking this turns into some kind story about me just watching filth and rubbing one out for Valentine’s day. But no, I simply waited until I had an ample erection and tossed on the His lube. Now if you remember back, I said it had a slight numbing quality to it. Well that does two things. One: it makes you last a bit longer when it comes to the actual banging. And two: it kind of gives you three-quarters wood. So with my raging 75%-er I then put my right leg up on the arm of my couch and bent my peep under, to my butt. I also changed into a stocking cap because I was cold standing about all naked. Once I made sure it could reach (like I didn’t already know) I then squirted some of the Hers lube on my my asshole and just slipped the dick in, as seen in figure 2:


At that point I pretty much just spent the rest of the evening clinching and unclinching my ass cheeks. Occasionally I would sit down or back-up against the wall.

Coda: I think the His and Hers works well as a lube. It mean it was nothing too magical. Maybe it works differently in a vagina. Maybe someday I’ll find out. But when you have to use

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lube you might as well get the added benefits of the His and Hers.

Bloggerman disclosure: I did not pay for the KY His and Hers.

Stop using WWW, just make it bleedyeyes.com

Tuesday, August 30th, 2011

Here’s the agenda for today’s blog: Politics, Raps, Snowboards, Life Betterment

1th Smells like inaccuracy


Everyone knows that Switzerland is a direct democracy. That’s not freedom. Freedom is a Constitutional Republic. I mean the Switzerlanders are money-hiders and watchmakers and socialist. So socialist in fact, I bet that Commie Pinko bastard, G Machots is getting wild over them. They probably don’t even vote.

Next time I buy a deodorant scented like freedom, I had damn well better be able to pop the cap off, take a deep breath and suck in the scent of rusted-out factories, pissy alleyways, and some good mood food.

2st Asia Born

I got to catch Lyrics Born play the Orton Park Festival. It was cool for several reasons. It was outside. It was dark. There were $4 Labatt Blues. It was free.

The show was really quite good. LB is fucking steady. He puts on a wicked show with mega-energy just radiating from he and Joyo on the stage. I think people nearby may even testify to having seen old Rumorator give the show a little Ka-lang-a-lang. But none of them can prove this.

My favorite part of the show was seeing the banners on the stage he was performing on. I suspect he must have taken one look at it and thought “ Heartland CU! These dudes know how to party!”

3nd

Winter is coming. So is the new Holden line. I hope.

4rd

You got one of these rigs?

You should. It fucking eliminated everything. Food Processor? It’s got’s that attachment. Blender? Gonezo. Coffee Grinder? Now used specifically for weed. Toaster? Fuck that thing. Fleshlight? You gotta live on the edge

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sometimes.

Seriously get one. I’ve been a smoothie machine because of it. Also puree-ing kohlrabi, carrots, beets and the list goes on. I’m drinking more liquified foods than your gramma with no teeth. For real, get one.

BONUS!

If you’re on the twitters you might want to follow BonIverBlows. The dude is pissed up about music.

A little morning chit chat, with AT&T.

Thursday, July 21st, 2011

After running my tweets about AT&T  and their awesome service, someone from the company hit me up. So I got back to them. Check it out.

Hi Chris,

 Thanks for getting back to me. I am a new U-Verse customer, and found the entire sign-up process to be very recondite. I spoke with two of your customer service reps. First was Kent K. via live chat, and then with Robert over the phone. I saved the live chat transcript with Kent K. and have attached it for your  reference.

Below is a summary of my interaction with AT&T Customer Service:

  • Kent K. quoted me a price of $29.95/month for U-Verse at 12down/1.5up speeds. It was a twelve month promotional offer. At the end of the promo the price would be $49.95/month.
  • Kent K. then informed me that he could not subscribe me to this service, as it can only be done over the phone. (1)
  • The following day (7-20-11) I spoke with Robert (rep #029), who told me that he could not give me 29.95, as no such offer existed.
  • I asked him why Kent K. could give me such a offer. Robert said online offers and over-the-phone offers differ.
  • I asked how I could get the online offer if U-Verse can only be subscribed to over the phone. Robert said he was unsure where the live chat Customer Service Rep was getting his information. (2)
  • Eventually, Robert alluded to Kent K. possibly not knowing what he was talking about. I suggested that Kent K may say the same about Robert. Robert then claimed to be a U-verse specialist and this is why I should take his word for it. This did not inspire any confidence in me.
  • The process progressed and I repeatedly asked Robert how I could get the $29.95 price. He continued to deny it was available, even though Kent K. quoted it to me. (3)
  • Further into the conversation with Robert I had to order my U-verse router. I was told that it would be delivered to my new address on a Monday. I explained I wouldn’t be home and would like it sent to my office. I was told this was not an option. (4)
  • Robert told me the package would be left at the rental office or in the entry way, where it would be safe. I explained that as a condo, this place has no rental office, the vestibule would be locked and I did not want to go through 3 days of Fed Ex or UPS tags left on my door, ultimately ending with me having to go to a distribution point to retrieve the package.
  • I was told the promotional rate would not be applied to the first 3-4 billing cycles, but would then be back-credited and the remaining period of the 12 months would be at the $34.95 (not $29.95) rate. (5)

Now my complaints

1.  The idea that a select service cannot be subscribed to via an online site, but others services can, seems ridiculous. Especially when what I am trying to subscribe to is internet service What, apart from constant upselling, makes it  necessary for me to call in?

2.  Certainly your customer service reps, regardless of medium, should be following the same scripts and able to give the same offers. If these reps are not following the same scripts and do not have access to the same offers, why?

3.  I was appalled that Robert was so willing to throw Kent K. under the bus. Certainly there is some disconnect within the organization that is causing this discrepancy. Fault should not be put on another Customer Service rep, Nor should the customer feel that they are so blatantly being fleeced by a bait-and-switch. Can you please explain the policy AT&T has for addressing discrepancies between quoted prices within the company?

4.  How does a company as large and advanced as AT&T not offer a separate shipping and billing address option? I am counting on the company to provide me with a service, not an inconvenience. Please let me know how I can have my U-verse router delivered to my office.

5.  This back-crediting situation seems rather wonky and extremely difficult for a customer to understand. If I pay the full price for 4 months, I should be give 4 months at the promotional price, minus the $15 I overpaid for each of the first four months. Therefore, months 5-8 should be $19.95/month. Then, months 9-12 will be at $34.95/month, correct? Why does the promotional rate not go into effect immediately and remain constant?

 I should mention that Robert did offer to waive the $36 activation fee, but that is still not equal to the $60 extra I will spend on U-verse service. Nor does it cover the time I spent on this call (40+ minutes) and the distaste that I have developed for AT&T.

I look forward to your reply, and insights as to how these problems will be remedied, so other customers do not have to experience the same.

Thank you,

RVR

Can’t wait to hear back on this.

Long Overdue

Monday, March 21st, 2011

First things first:

Whistler is a mere 24 days away. And in even better news, it seems fellow bloggerman A-man will be joining me. I’m pretty stoked on this. I’m probably going piss in his bed at the hotel. You can pretty much count on our room to be going off every night until 8:30 or 9:00PM. I’m also going to recommend he gets a wrist brace, a la  Corey Chrysler. It was that dude who always wore the wrist brace, right? Whatever. A-man is gonna be wearing on. We’re gonna make amazing old man shred videos  and maybe some amazing movies about how good we are at blowing minds.

I’m also hoping to swing by the Origin Design offices and tell them they should probably give me a job as a writer. I think it would be in the best interest of everyone.

Part two:

Wrapped up the local winter season around here on Saturday, and that was a blast. Slip-slid some boxes and handrails and only fell a little bit. On the corrugated tube. Like always. Effe that black plastic bastard.

Year end gear end recap:

Capita Indoor Survival camber: It rode switch nicely, the topsheet still sucks for stickers. Definitely a great board.

Volcom Gigi Jacket: Yeppers. Super ugly. Super Tech. I like it all except the built-in hood visor was kind of bothersome.

Malavita Bindings: At no point this year did my feet hurt, nor did my board fall off. Success!

6- or 7-year old Rome Flask: Still Works!

Part 3:

I’m pretty sure this guy needs to have his windows and or nuts smashed:

Keylo must be fuming, looking at that picture.

Selling out his state like he’s the governor or some shit.

Part 4:

I’m in some sort of college basketball pool, and I guess I’m winning money. This is good for me, as I really can’t be bothered to fill out an entire bracket, or even care.

Por ejemplo: we were sitting at a bar the other night watching some game and I had to ask Jake which number was the score and which was the shot clock. I suspect he may have been lying to me.

Product reviews

Saturday, September 18th, 2010

There is something I like about this review

Rumorator’s honesty box: I’ll watch this shit. But I’m not watching Bronson again until I can get some subtitles.

I like where this is going

Wednesday, September 8th, 2010

I think somethings that I don’t discuss enought on this blog are boobs and things to do with them. But then Broder Grizzly Adams and his sidekick Ben the Bear sent me this via smoke signal:

I’ve seen a lot of science in my time, and even though I really like it, I’m putting this one in the furosemide 20 mg same category as

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new math. This aint for real.

I know that you know that I know why doxycycline hyclate that you know some dude was sitting around watching ShakeWeight/BlastInMyFace commercials and thought to himself, “I’m gonna make a titty humping replica. And I’m gonna get women to come over and let me take pics of them with the Titty Humper. And you know what else? I’m going to sell it.”

People laughed at Henry Ford as well.

So here it is: the Kush Support. Take a good look so we can discuss.

(I so badly wanted that website to be about weed.)

First off, there is the racialist ascpect. Take a doxycycline hyclate for dental infections look at the white girl’s Kush above. Now look at

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this black cialis woman’s kush.

We seem to be perpetuating a stereotype here. Damn, as if http://cialisdosage-reviews.com/ early 90s rap didn’t give me enough of a complex.

Part dos:

It seems the Kush pretty much just took “what I’m looking for” straight from the old Rumorator Eharmony profile and added those last two points. And trust me, I’ve been trying to convince women to sleep with something in their cleavage for years.

Rulez of Threes: Dude could have spent some money on some real models for his website, rather than asking his friend’s moms to help out.

Heated Yogerd

Friday, August 27th, 2010

Lets just get this out of the way. I’m pretty much fucking bonkers.
Why? You ask.
Well apparently the humid, summer here Wisco isn’t enough for me. Apparently my logic runs something like this:
“I would like the palms of my hands and my asshole to sweat at the same time”

Following that logic I jumped into a Bikram Yoger class.

Now, I should let you know that I’ve spent a fair amount of time doing yoger, I’ve done hippie sweat lodges and I’ve spent time in South Carolina. I know yoga and I know gross heat, and I’m Einsteining when I say they do not belong together. At least not in the setting I experienced.

Maybe I’m too partial to Iyengar Yoga, but I thought part of the deal was to keep the body aligned and learn the postures. If you’re not Asana ready, you use props to find the right path to the position and you work towards it over time. Not in Caitlyn’s sweatshop class. She was spewing commands that students do whatever it takes to get into the position She wasn’t giving a fuck about keeping shoulders and hips on a plane. “Make it hurt” seemed to be the

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theme of the class. Madness.

I’ll go back to my not hip yoga and work on better posture and headstands.

I’m not sure if people really understand how much you sweat in this class. In 90 minutes my sweat-wickery shorts and shirt were soaked, as was my bandanner, as was the towel I had laying over my yoger mat, as was any exposed part of my yoger mat. And I’m not saying these items

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were damp, these things were ring-fucking-outtable.

And when you’re that sweaty and everyone around you is that sweaty there are two things you don’t want to be touching

  • Strangers
  • Carpet

And Bikram offers you both of these.

Lastly, just because you stand in front of a class and spout commands doesn’t mean you’re a yogi.

Also girl in front of me in class, shave your armpits. This isn’t the early 90s anymore.

Product Review: The Spanky-original sports hanky

Thursday, February 25th, 2010

I got The Spanky a few weeks ago. I was cruising by and someone just handed it to me. Initially I tried to turn it down but the guy passing them out said, ” Blud, it’s a goggle wipe and it’s free.” So I took it. Nevermind that fact that Burton has been putting these things on roach clips and giving them to me for free for ages, and I’ve still never used one. I just use the goggle sack or the microfiber cloth from my eye doctor. But after that convincing statement from Spanky-hander-outer I took one. A+ for the marketing skillz.

I tossed The Spanky in my bag and didn’t think much of it. It sat in there a few weeks until I found myself on a shrad adventure to the Wisco/Upper Penninsula boarder. I was hitting up some of the resorts around there. So I decided to give The Spanky a legit test run.

I broke out The Spanky and discovered it’s not just a goggle wipe, but a trail map as well. BOOM! No need to grab a map at the ticket window. Here’s the catch. When you’re given a spanky for free, you don’t get to choose what trail map you get. I was rolling around Indianhead Mountain for about two and a half hours before I realized I was looking at a map of Red Mountain. No wonder I couldn’t find the lift to the summit.

The biggest problem with someone like me testing a goggle wipe is that I never fall. My shrad skills are unmatched. I don’t fall and certainly never get over-heated and fogged. So after grabbing a more accurate trail map, and three bottles of Trois Pistoles The Spanky never made it out of my pocket. I do feel confident in backing The Spanky as a goggle wipe that will

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not weigh you down, or will it make your pocket puff out. The volume and wieght on this thing is perfect. Chances are you’ll forget you even have it on you.

But not me. I’m an amazing product reviewer and knew that I had to really put this wipe through a serious test. Luckily I was near Hurley Wisconsin and it’s famed Silver Street. Loaded with 25 bars on one street, 6 strip clubs all on one block and with no cover in sight. I figured I would find a place to use The Spanky.

Goggles off. Contacts out. Glasses on.

Unlike goggles, glasses get dirty just from being on your face. Coffee steam rolls up on them, That weird opium haze sticks to them, hair and eyelashes fall on them, a deep fried corndog squirts on them, the sweat and grease from the cleavage of a girl named Fantasy gets rubbed all over them. Glasses need Spankies.

The control glasses went everywear for this test. On strippers faces, up and down poles, in cleavage, g-strings, mouths, gin-and-tonics, and one girl even picked them up with her ass. Needless to say they were filthy. Between each element of the test the Spanky was busted out and successfully cleaned the lenses of sweat, glitter and that stripper smell.

Note: I would have had video, but it seems that kind of behavior is frowned upon in such establishments. That picture to the right–I suspect someone gave their life to get that image. The fact is, we had more people cheering on The Spanky than the dancing girls at certain points.

Then just to really test out The Spanky I ran the glasses through the same test again without cleaning between each stage. By the end the specs actually felt heavier, and no one was claiming the hair on the right lens. Still The Spanky prevailed. With a shot of lens cleaner and a short bath in boiling water upon returning home the glasses we as good as new. But every now and then, if i turn my head fast enough, I can still smell Hurley Wisconsin.

Shay’s Rumorator’s Honesty Box:

It’s a goggle wipe. It’s better than using your sleeve or a napkin. If you can grab one with a trail map for your mountain it’s probably a neat little thing to have, and it would cut down on the clutter in your pockets. I’ll probably keep using goggle sacks to clean goggles, but I’ve now got The Spanky with my glasses and have been using it to clean those on the regular. It was free so I use it.

Product Review: Trader Joe’s Egg Nog 32oz

Monday, December 14th, 2009

Location: Milwaukee, WI.

Snow Conditions: There is none. Lake Michigan keeps it warmer at the estate and it’s been raining like a bitch lately.

Setup: I put down about 8oz of this beast from a Long Trail “Ski Vermont” pint glass created by Boelter.

Size: 32 oz

First Impression: Good nose. Balanced scent of nutmeg and creme to make me think this was going to be a solid nog.

Weight: I’m pretty fat.

Flex: This is where the TJ’s nog failed for me a bit. It was a thinner nog than I had expected. Don’t get me wrong, it still gave a proper coat to the glass, but it sat thin on my tongue. Swishing the nog around my mouth and between my teeth also revealed the lack of body in this yule tide treat. I would say it had an average bubble rating given the gargle test.

Turning: Without rocker tech or MTX this stuff pretty much went straight down my throat. I mean the sidecut is pretty much nonexistent and the edge is bullshit.It’s got good tensile strength but the inherent weight of a nog renders that moot.. I wouldn’t use this one on ice.

Stable: Fairly Stable. As I addressed before this egg nog is a little bit thinner than the legit shit. But it wasn’t too loose. It wasn’t to that Silk Nog state yet. I also paired this with a frosted sugar cookie, to which, the flavor and body held up well.

Pop: It’s not carbonated.

Switch: Supposed to be a true twin but when I went into switch riding, it felt a little off for a true twin.  I noticed some difference in how it was drankt. I mean I can shotgun beers right- or left-handed so i know switch. No matter what TJ’s claims this this a directional freestyle drinker.

Overall Impression: I’m typically a big fan of the trader joe’s products. Good products at a killer price point and this is no different. It’s good egg nog. It’s not quite the level of that Orgainic Valley shit, because that stuff is 100% ridiculous, but it’s nothing to balk at. And at $2.99 it’s a reasonable alternative. However as someone who only has the legit egg nog once or twice a year I’m probably going to splurge and grab the OV version. The rest of the time I’m drinking Silk because i can have like 1000oz of the before it becomes a potential health and hygiene issue.

Shay’s RvR’s Honesty Box: I would buy this shit when I have friends coming over. They’re going to be pleased and you can still save the primo shit for yourself.

I was not compensated for this review.