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2012-33: The Larry Bird of 2012 posts

Friday, March 30th, 2012

Coming straight outta French Lick because we got some shit to cope with today.

1nd

I’ve been going on for the past couple of days about how skateboarding is still the raddest game in town and blah blah blah. And FlawsyFiles has been doing nothing to quell this feeling as of late. But then this happened

DIRECT LINK TO THE RED BULL VIDEO OF A TWELVE-YEAR OLD KID DOING A CAB-1080, BECAUSE IT KEEPS FUCKING MY BLOG TO EMBED IT.

And suddenly I know where I belong—at home, pantsless, catching up on Game of Thrones or some shit.

UPDATE: 20 minutes after this clip was released, 12-year old Tom Schaar just melted into a globule of Red Bull, like a sugar-water Senator Robert Kelly.

2th

Little Andy Troubles was back in action. I’m gonna bag on his music until the end (or until I like it) but you cannot deny the dude is 100% ripper. He’s still smooth with a shred stick under his feet, and really there aren’t that many people who can still look good while riding with Nico.

2012-32: The Legits

Thursday, March 29th, 2012

1nd
Sure it’s easy to blast the contest scene, but if you care about snowboarding you really should be reading this:

The Future of Snowboard Contests

The author, Matt Barr, really knows what he’s talking about.

Funny thing about that. I think it was about a year ago when I first saw one of his stories come up. I didn’t really know if should agree with his piece. First off it was crisp, not something I expected to be reading about the shred game. Not knowing his name from other (USA-centric) snowboarding pubs, I had to do a bit of digging.

It wasn’t long before I discovered he was working for a Journalism and PR firm. I was livid. How the fuck are you going to trust anyone from a PR firm to write about snowboarding? I know the kind of schlock PR writers pump out. Fuck those dudes. Liars. I knew this because I worked for an agency that was too heavily PR-ed. Those dudes lie more than advertisers.

So I had no respect for Senor Barr. But I also followed him on twitter. Straight up stalkerism. I was just waiting for him to get something wrong and then use it as fodder to strengthen my distrust of who was running the snowboarding.
Then, the more I paid attention, the more I realized he was on point. The dude knows his game and he legitimately cares about the shred game. He is one of us, even if I don’t know who “us” is.

At this point I can say I click just about every link Matt Barr posts up. I should probably mention that before he got into the PR game he was the editor at Whitelines, so he’s got some history. Plus, he recommends some pretty good books.

2th
I cannot wait to pull these bitches.

I think they look worse now than they did on day two.

3st: We’re still snowboarding
Saturday and Sunday, Tyrol Basin. Shredathon. 8-10 rails to bust your shins on. Or, if you’re old like me, you can hang out eat grilled meats and drink beer in 16-oz cans. Or you can stay home and watch the Red Bull SuperNatural on the couch. We all make choices, dude, choices. All of us.

4nd: The Choice of a New Generation
Glen Coco > John Galt*

*shout out to Annet Donahue

Tags: Blood, Glenn Coco, gross, Matt Barr, stiches, The Future of Snowboard Contests, Tyrol Basin, Whitelines
Posted in Akshin sports, snowboardering | 1 Comment »

2012-31: Gonna Get You Over That Hump

Wednesday, March 28th, 2012

Metacarpus: The Tahoe Time Machine: episode 4
We need to get these Tahoe stories over with, right? Okay here goes. Monday morning ran it up to Northstar with a full crew, eleven deeps to start with. Then we picked up Tali, Kenji, Alex and Skinny Claire (who was riding with broken collarbone. Gritty). We ripped up what was left of the backside. El Poco Lollo and I mostly rode with Benji (not Kenji) and Tom because those dudes know how to find every fucking hit in a forest. Good times, mega tree jumps all morning.

Afternoon came and we moved it over to the frontside of the mountain for a park sesh. Always fun at N*. Plus with the crew we had, there was no choice but to try to up your game. Lap after lap after lap. That’s what we did all afternoon. But we did stop for some lunch.

Then it was time to go out and get after the donkey dick that was mugging Tali and I all day. So we rolled up Tali hops on and immediately eats shit. It’s at this point that I use my concern for her well being to skip the rail and see how she’s ding. Luckily it was nothing serious, just a quick shinner.

Next run, I had no choice but to hit that rail now. So I did. And immediately skipped off, smashing my face on the snow and scratching up my favorite pair of goggles. Oh, I should mention that I also shinnered it. But we was cool, got up and keep moving, hit a couple more features and even got this fancy image on the ride-on from the EpicMix photog man.

Eventually hit the base and meet up with the crew at the 4pm meeting spot, Starbucks. Suze was there, so I was telling my smashing story to her. Then I say, “oh shit, I ripped my pants.” Then I say, “Oh shit that hole is kinda bloody.” I pulled up the pant leg to find this:

Check out the blood stain on that boot pull. The resale on these is going to be shit. Needless to say the day ended with 8 stitches, beers in the waiting room and the realization that this is the most injured I’ve ever been.

Proximal Phalange: Lists
I’ve complied two lists of things that are surprisingly easy and surprisingly difficult to do while smoking:

EASY
Cooking
Dropping a Duece
Driving
Sexting
Bowling
Stoop Sitting
Breast Feeding

DIFFICULT
Hiding in Closets
Playing Tetris
Fucking
Texting
Hiking to Flavor Country
Snowboarding
Sneaking up on the Vietcong

Middle Phalange: MusicMusic
Can’t believe this album turned 10-years old this week.

Pretty sure I had to drive to Minneapolis just to get it. Ought two. Tough times.

Distal Phalange: On Your Health
Like diplodocus

Tags: Blood, Friends, Northstar, Stitches, Tahoe, Teeth, The Streets
Posted in Akshin sports, snowboardering | No Comments »

2012-30: Tahoe Time Machine Episode 3

Tuesday, March 27th, 2012

Somehow I managed to catch up on a little sleep on St. Patrick’s Day. This is surprising not because El Poco Lollo and I went out and tore up the scene in South Lake, but because we thought it would be a good idea to put off sleep for as long as possible. It was cool though. We got to hang with a couple of our Kiwi-house hosts, Tom and Tamara and USAer Jonaten. We also drank a whole bunch of PBRs talked shit, literally, for hours.

Sunday, we went back to Heavenly, but stayed on the Nevada side. I’m unsure how much snow fell overnight but the winds were blowing hard, giving us a ton of new deep spots to hit. I dumped the Cheetah for the Mr. Nice Guy. I’m glad I did too. The Cheetah kinda became a set of handcuffs after awhile. All I wanted to do was jump off shit. Besides, one of our guides Austin (not a Kiwi) had been ripping the entire time on a 147 Artifact. And he slowed down a total of zero times. Just burners, nonstop.

Speaking of burners, we were still sour diesel-less. But the one of Austin’s cohorts stepped up and was asked who wanted to make some pot smoking happen. He then proceed to pull out a full sized pipe and light it up. Now typically dudes are rolling with onies or little pocket pipes. Something convenient and won’t get in the way too much. Not this dude. He was essentially toting a centerpiece in his coat.

He then proceeded to blow our minds by loading this thing, about as inconspicuously as someone loading a shotgun in a shopping mall, and fired it up in the craziest winds ever. It was just pack, pack, snap, lit, burrrrnnnn. Directly in front of a lodge full of families eating their bread bowl chilies. That dude was a super hero.

The downside of the situation was being lifted and having to navigate flat light to grey–out conditions. I actually had to rely on some of the skills I’ve picked up in over the past 20 years. Easy-peasy.

So we slashed the rest of the day away and Lisa even fell in one time. Typical kiwi maneuver.

Day 2 was a success.

Fast-forward:
How badly do we want this, NOW:

Tags: Aesop Rock, Heavenly, Kiwis, Smoking weed, Snowboarding, Tahoe
Posted in Akshin sports, snowboardering | 1 Comment »

2012-29: Tahoe Time Machine episode 2

Friday, March 23rd, 2012

After three hours of sleep I was kicked awake by Jonaten, who due to knee surgery wasn’t even going to to be riding. “You’re probably going to want to ride Heavenly today. They’re claiming over three feetz, so you can count on two feet of the goods. You’re probably going to want to give me that PBR shirt as well”

No one else in the house except for El Poco Lollo seemed to notice how cold it was. This is clearly one of the dangers shacking up with EnZedeez. Shivering and yawning I slipped into all my gear and discovered that no one in this house drinks coffee. Savages.

Eventually we made it over the California side of Heavenly and started to rip some powder. It was fun to be back into knee and thigh deep snow. I laid down enough slashes for all of my people. Compliments of Turbo Keef I was pushing the 2013 Burton Cheetah.

Mini Cheetah review: I like riding this more than the Fish. It was fun even on the groomers. Through the trees it was quick and reliable. I was on the 159 and it felt stable. It was fun. I even flew off a cat track directly on to a rock, which tossed me directly into a tree well. That only took me a couple of minutes to get out of its death grip.

Bear attack slashes aren't too bad considering I landed on a rock.

There were still good pockets to be found, even by noon. I didn’t take any pics of those, because if you come upon a nice powder field you’re first thought should not be, “I need to take a pic of this.” I did take some pics of tracked out areas though.

By 1:00pm I was fried. My brain was exhausted, my legs were tired and we all decided to call it a morning and a good warm up. We made our way down the mountain, to the Trav-erse and onto Jalisocs. I had a California burrito with pastor. It was delish. I also feasted my eyes on this:

I like to imagine that is a likeness of is me and Laura Hadar. What strong arms she has.

Part Two:
Enough of this amateur snowboarding, let’s get real.

I’m digging this video because it has 1) Jess, who is so damn good; 2) Desiree who is consistently banging; and 3) Marie Hucal, who is so ridiculously awesome on and off the snow. Back this shit.

Part three:
Stoked on this getting re-released:

Con/A Sewer/Cat by chigliakrecords

Get after it here.

Tags: 2013 Burton Cheetah, Amateur Love, Con A Cat Sewer, Heavenly, Jess Kimura, Marie Hucal, Snowboarding
Posted in snowboardering | No Comments »

2012-28: The Tahoe Time Machine Episode 1

Thursday, March 22nd, 2012

Assume for a minute that it is roughly 7pm last Friday, March 16, 2012. You have just landed at San Francisco International Airport. The third member of your party is supposed to land at 7:30. Then you find out that she just took off from the east coast. See you at 11pm, LV.

SF was in a downpour. There were no more planes landing for a while. So my compadre, El Poco Lollo, and I hit the rental car shop. We ended up with a Chevy Traverse (pronounced Trav-erse, not Tra-verse). This is a vehicle I have some experience with, albeit in it’s GMC, nicer counterpart, the Acadia. We hopped in and went on the hunt for some sour diesel.

This was SF, right? There had to be some MFers looking to dump some on us. We started our hunt at The Fiddler Green. We thought this with be good place to go because they were showing basketball games while serving food and drink. We tried to ask our waitress for a hookup but she was speaking with a (possibly fake) Irish accent. El Poco Lollo said it sounded as if she had rocks in her mouth. It just made me sick.

Eventually we left sour diesel-less. Luckily, the rain had stopped and I was forced to ask myself why we were still in SF. We had a serious drive to South Lake ahead of us. I think El Poco Lollo was frustrated we were still in SF and not at the Benny Gold store.

I can’t really blame him.

So finally at 11 we retrieved LV at took off for Souf Lake. We made good time up through Vallejo and into Sac, but not long after that everything went bad. As soon as we got to elevation there was snow and chain controlled roads. For the next three hours it was 25mph and sloppy. LV was blasting at me for running the tweets whilst driving through a snowy mountain pass. Like I can’t multitask? I really can’t, I never once remembered to put the Traverse in park. The last couple hours of the drive was just white knuckles and anger.

At 4:30 in the morning we finally arrived in New Zealand, where they apparently don’t have things like heat. LV kept going off about how weird it was that in EnZed they don’t keep their eggs refrigerated. It’s a pretty basic premise: when your house is like 38 degrees most of the time, you really don’t need a refrigador. We all bundled up and fell asleep, only to be woken up 3 hours later to news that there was 2+ of new snow at Heavenly.

We got motivated and eventually made it out the door. This when I discovered that Jonaten drives this beast:

Check it again. That thing has a snorkel. Fuck everything else. Snorkels, bro, snorkels. Do you even know how many rivers and lakes and swamps and wet things I would drive through if the silver spurt had a snorkel. Plus, it’s sound system is amazering.

I guess this is a good option when your neighbors keep trying to steal your other, newer truck.

Then it was off to Heavenly we went, but I’ll tell you about that soon enough.

Tags: Lake Tahoe, San Francisco, Snowboarding, sour diesel, trucks with snorkels
Posted in Madison Anti-Boredom Campaign, snowboardering | No Comments »

2012-27: A Few Quick Mind Benders

Wednesday, March 14th, 2012

Breakfast:

Lunch:

Might I suggest the gnocchi.

Dinner:

Dessert:

Supergoodthingmaker

Posted in Madison Anti-Boredom Campaign, snowboardering | 1 Comment »

2012-26: No Irish Need Apply

Tuesday, March 13th, 2012

Brekky:
Lets pretend for a minute that you are going to do something other than shots of crap whisky and drink shamrock shakes until you puke for St. Patrick’s Day. Can we do that? Can we all stop pretending that we’re mega-Irish for the day? You wanna dig deep and claim some shit? Well dig this, Momma vR has got some Irishness. Probably claiming Country Cork or Wexford or some crap too. But she’s also got some Austrian and English and German and Cherokee and French Canadian and Bengali in her bloodstream. Shit, the Irish portion just sullies a proper melting pot. And I mean I’ve read Joyce. Fuck it. College was basically me plagiarizing The Dubliners. I’ve listened to the Pogues, I fairly like them. But I also like the Klezmatics and pretty much any ethnic music.

This is the time of year when I start hating the flamboyantly Irish as much as the republicans hate women.

Dear St. Patrick’s Day, fuck your green Bud Lights and temporary shamrock tattoos and Irish Pubs and dudes in kilts and your Cahills Porter Cheddar and all that. And please stop saying “Cheers” as rather than thank you. I hate you so much.

Here’s a better plan. Squeeze a few hours out of your day and do some snowboardy shit. This is what the dudes in Wausau are throwing down this weekend:

Knowing what little I do of Central, I can only assume this will be a 100% radder contest. So, if you’re in the area, go to it. Do some tricks, or just watch. Then get our drinks on. But please don’t do it under the guise of Irishness. Do it because you want to get a little drunk with a lot of friends and maybe this year Mil-One will take her shirt off and show everyone her boobs.

beeteedubs: What’s the story with that Capita typeface?

Lunch:
I’m pretty sure guys should not be using tumblr. Women just do it way better. Prove me wrong.

DinDin:
This is worth backing:
Fuck the FIS

Taco Bell® Make a Run For The Border presents: FOURTH MEAL!
Not a wholly bad hair day.

Tags: Central Boardshop, FIS, Hair, social mediums, St. Patricks Day
Posted in A Very Special Rumorator, Akshin sports, religion, snowboardering | 1 Comment »

2012-25: Bloggers Medley

Monday, March 12th, 2012

Breakfast:

Full fucking weekender at Tyrone’s Basement. Let’s break it down by the numbers:

• 2 minute park laps
• 300 vertical feet
• 5 minute chair rides
• 62 degrees
• 144 ounces of PBR
• 9/10 on the Frank-Wolf Ball Sweat Scale

After two days of hard jumping into slush, my body hates me. But this is just training before I get to Tahoe for a five-day snow orgy. I gotta be honest, I wasn’t feeling a need to carry the Cheetah out there. But now I’m reconsidering. I can’t be riding a 157 park deck in the steep and deeps at Kirkwood. Shit. Now I’m carrying 3 boards out there. Why is this anything to complain about?

I should also mention that I spent the weekend riding the Parkitect:

This thing is fun and I could ride it switch. What more do you need? I guess I could say that it also had some mad pop and kept me landing like a feline. The 157 felt just right, and frankly I can’t wait to get back out on this thing. Was it better than my Mr. Nice Guy? I think it might be.
Whatever, Hooner also talked about this deck in a little more depth. Read what his mouth says here.

Lunch:
Complex is fucking worthless. Today their lead article is about the 50 best slogan tee shirts ever. Check this:

Lahnk

Essentially they have compiled “50 movie quotes people say” or “50 reasons you should watch Two and a Half Men.”

But wait there’s more.

It was just last July, that the same publication told you these slogan tee shirt were the 39st worst thing that ever happened to men’s fashion. BOOM 7 months later, they’re endorsing ‘em. 11/10 on the Frank-Wolf Hackosity scale.

Milk Break:
I know men’s snowboarding is supposed to be so much cooler to watch, but I can’t even count their spins anymore. And for the most part, watching snowboarding on TV has a 90% chance of being 100% boring. On the other hand, I think this mamajamma has like 3 tons of style riding with her.

You see the way she’s down on those landings? Dragon ass. Then just bang-bang back up. I’ll watch her ride snowboards all day.

Dinner:
This iFone ad is stupid.

Lets examine:
1. 14-years olds with iFones are fucking bitches, all of them. People who use Siri and aren’t driving are idiots.
2. If you have to ask were a music store is, give up. True musicians can just feel where the shops are. I cannot sense this, that is why I am not a musician. I’m just going to assume RockGod went to Guitar Center.
3. You need to know how to play something? Maybe while you were at the music store you could have picked up a couple of playbooks. I bet Siri forgot to mention that, didn’t she. You brainless twit.
4. Migraine Headache is a shitty band name. But probably perfect for a band that gave up on Zeplin and went to covering The Clash. Get a really name like Prodrome or even just Migraine. See that, shorter names with similar subject matter and way more aggressive. Toughen up, dude.
5. Siri, please tell Julie and Kate, this band isn’t playing at “THE garage.” The band is playing at “A garage, “HIS garage,” or better yet “HIS PARENTS’ garage,” tonight.
6. Way to play with you back to your audience, asshole. You’re no Miles Davis. You’re also no Rock n’ roll fun.
7. RockGod? With an ego like that I have a feeling Julie and Kate are going to be really unimpressed when you send them a few dick pics. If you wanna be a real rock god, shoot yourself in the face.

Steve Jobs must be so proud of his company.

Dessert:
Oh what? You want a dessert too, fatty?

Tags: 2013 Burton Parkitect, Apple crap, Complex mag, ifones, Kjersti Buaas, Tahoe, TTR, Tyrol Basin, US open
Posted in Advertising, Madison Anti-Boredom Campaign, snowboardering | 2 Comments »

2012-23: What to do This Weekend

Thursday, March 8th, 2012

I assume most of us wont be at the US Open. So might I suggest this instead.

Slushy park laps and serious ball sweat. Be there. Bring beers.

Tags: contest kids, Rail jahms, snowboardering, spin2win, Tyrol Basin
Posted in Madison Anti-Boredom Campaign, snowboardering | No Comments »