Archive for the ‘The Race Card’ Category

2012-14 Black History Month

Monday, February 6th, 2012

One thing you should probably now about me is that I have spent some time in the south. Not the glamorous south like Miami or Atlanta or South Lake Tahoe, but the ugly south. I’m talking about places like Florence, South Carolina and Tupelo, Mississippi and Pall Mall, Tennessee. These are places where they don’t celebrate Black History Month, mostly because they still use the term “colored.” Most of my time there was spent trying to explain to people the ridiculousness of their statements.

“You do realize the inaccuracies of what you are saying, don’t you?” I would ask. “Certainly you

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are aware black is an absence of color, and white is the amalgamation of all color. Thus, YOU are the true coloreds here. I mean, it’s simple additive color theory.”

My statements were often met with silence and cold stares. Sometimes there would be mumbled statements of my “highfalutin education,” and how “Jesus didn’t make no color theories,” and how I should hope that this same “Jesus” will save my “soul.”

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, as white tends to reflect all things. White takes nothing in, it absorbs nothing. Have you ever heard of a white hole? I thought not. I should have expected that these southern whites (the true coloreds) would not pick up what I was putting down.

Having put this in perspective for you, I will now honor 5 great moments in black history:

The Black Plague: In the mid 1340s African scholars deemed the European countries were on a course for disaster. They knew if these European countries weren’t stopped there would be a rise in war, intolerance, and National Socialism. In an attempt

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to stop the coming future, these scholars employed a team of bacterial researchers who developed the Bubonic (which means black) plague and sent it off to Europe on the backs of warrior rats. While the Plague was not 100 percent successful it did put off the social ills the scholars foresaw for about 550 years.

The movie that shaped the past's future.


Black Coffee:
It’s said that coffee was named for a young Ethiopian shepherd, Kaldi, who noticed his goat herd would get a little wiry after eating the berries of the Pamgrier plant. In reality, coffee was named BY a time-traveling, Ethiopian goat shepherd, who traveled to the mid-1970s and saw a screening of Coffy. When he returned he concocted a brewed beverage made from the seeds of the berries of the Pamgrier plant. He found this drink to make him very energetic. He then proclaimed “I like my brewed beverages like I like my blaxploitation films—black and keeping me up all night. Thus, I shall call this drink ‘coffy.”

In this case, Coffee was simply a transliteration of “Coffy” from the American English dialect of African-American urbanites of the time. Much the way the common American name “Nia” is to the Arabic term “Niyyah” which means to devote all of one’s actions to Allah.

Kaldi then finished off his coining of the term “coffee” by saying, “and don’t give me any of that creamer bullshit.”

The Hollywood Blacklist: The legend of the Hollywood Blacklist is similar to that of the passenger manifest in Lost, except this list features better actors and is much more satisfying to follow. The blacklist was crafted over 10 years from 1947-56. The sacred seer of Hollywood, then-actor Ronald Regan, chose the names of the Hollywood Ten. These are the only ten black actors and directors who will ever be allowed to win major Academy Awards. In Regan’s own words. “We are talking about winning awards here. We’ll nominate a bunch black people, and it’s an honor just to be nominated you know, but like 10 non-white folks are gonna win these awards, at the most. Also, I will go on to become president and pretty much castrate the middle class. Thank you.” Spike Lee’s name is not on this list.

The Black Hand: There is the popular myth that Archduke Franz Ferdinand was assassinated by Gavrilo Princip’s Black Hand over a sandwich, leading to the outbreak of World War One. This myth has been propagated over generations, twisted into a form of racial code and now has many eastern European, white

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folks (the true coloreds) believing that a man with a black hand eating a sandwich is very likely to shoot you in the backseat of your automobile.

Blackstreet: No diggity. I’ve got to bag it up.

Profile and Front

Wednesday, November 9th, 2011

And then the jooks go down.

I feel I should update my Twitter bio. Currently it just says, “Probably going to kick your ass.” But given levitra dosage the dream I had the other night it’s probably not accurate anymore. In this dream I was walking past a crowd of OWS types, but I don’t think i was in NYC. But I could have been, because I remember seeing Shira and Jeff walking ahead of me. But I don’t know that it was them for sure. It

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was just that dream reassurance. Like, who else could it be?

So I keep bopping by and there was this little 10-ish year old kid trying to start a fight with me. I just kept moving, but finally gave in and started pushing him away. And he’s straight up attacking. Then a cop gets involved. I start walking away and the cop tells the kid he’s just got to kick me right in the dick. Right in the balls. Right in the nuts. Right in the jatz cracker. tadalafil Then the dream ended.

So I didn’t really get beat up by a 10-year old kid in my dream, but levitra i certainly didn’t win. Therefore, these are doxycycline in walgreens the options for new twitter bio:

  • Snowboarder, Biker, Copywriter, Leftist, Fuckarounder.
  • 1987 Betty Crocker Chili Cook-Off Champion. Autofellatiist.
  • The Internet
  • Not of the attic-dwelling Franks. Follow me and I’ll follow doxycycline for dogs back!
  • Gold Teeth. Black Lungs. Whiskey Dick.
  • Raised by wolves. Born to die.
  • Does not shut up.
  • The zeach of life.
  • I’m in the business of getting business done.
  • Dainty.
  • I once lived in a shack with that dude everyone calls Bon Iver.

Vote early, vote often!

WTF Happened to the True French Fry times?

Thursday, May 27th, 2010

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the Korean Intercept. Experience it:

And a hot bowl of thanks cialis 5 mg canadian pharmacy to Tim.

I Think We Have a Shaun White Issue

Wednesday, April 21st, 2010

*This entire post was made possible by Jeff over at Ocupop and by the number 12.

I don’t even know where to begin with this one. I mean, for real, this is troubling. I’m not seeing one Burton, target, HP, Red Bull or Oakley logo on him. His handlers must be pist!

I can only assume Mr. Blanco is coming directly from some sort of Thai ceremony where he played the role of Davy Crockett. That shirt is just blowing my mind right now. I really want it to be held together with safety pins in the back. Or may just shredded fabric. And that racoon tail. I’ve seen dudes on bikes try to rock that shit in Riverwest and they always give up after a few days. Even the shitbag/scenesters are like “you just went too far Fess Parker.”

Man, we’ve seen akshin sport styles go this way before. Gator? And what did he do? Oh yeah, he killed his girlfriend and dumped her body in the desert. This only lends credibility to my prediction as to how we can make snowboarding cool again. Check #9 it’s in there.

Ah Shit.

And where is Senor Blanco off to? To see the prez of course. Can you imagine Brobama and Blanco getting together. The ego in that room is going to be mega. They’re going to have to measure ‘em for sure.

This is how it’s going to go down.

Obama: Shiiiiit, maaaaan. That honky muf’ be messin’ mah old lady… got to be runnin’ cold upside down his head, you know?
Blanco: Hey home’, I can dig it. Know ain’t gonna lay no mo’ big rap up on you, man!
Obama: I say hey, sky… subba say I wan’ see…
Blanco: Uh-huh.
Obama: …pray to J I did the same ol’ same ol’!
Blanco: Hey… knock a self a pro, Slick! That gray matter backlot perform us DOWN, I take TCB-in’, man!
Obama: Hey, you know what they say: see a broad to get dat booty yak ‘em…
Both in unison:…leg ‘er down a smack ‘em yak ‘em!
Obama: COL’ got to be! Y’know? Shiiiiit.

True facts. Though really I could have written this whole thing in WindDings 3,  as I imagine these two wont be speaking about anything of importance.

Meanwhile, over on Sean’s Facebook page we have this mess:

Man, white folks is angry.

Follow-up: This might be part of Burton’s elaborate “Keep Snowboarding Rich and White Campaign.”

A Nice Place For Waterwings and Cannonballs.

Wednesday, February 24th, 2010

Maybe you cold motherfuckers forgot it’s Black History Month. Well there is no better way to celebrate than in your office cafeteria. Check out this nugget of amazing menu from the Basking Ridge campus today.

Brace yourself:

Personally, I’m going to go home, sit on my couch and eat Ants on a Muthafuckin’ Log. That’s a nod to G.Washinton Carver right there. Then I’m going to make a list of all the black people I know and send them belated Happy Black History Month cards. And I’ll probably send them links to Yobeat. I’m also going to have to apologize for Elvis Presley. And If i thought this was a race thing, I would apologize for it, but in reality it’s just hackery.

Amber Lamps it is not.
However this IS Amber Lamps:

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Damn, I love internetery. Now if you don’t mind, I’m going go write a review for google wipes. Shayboarderism.

WTFriday

Friday, November 6th, 2009

MC Paul Barman has a new track called “The Moon” coming out. It’s got Del, C Rayz Walz and Masta Ace on  it too. You can download a promo with a crappy, annoying, Speak-n-spell voice over the top.  Get it here.

Huckleberry Hart Directed me to this gem from the pages of Big Brother. I’m not gonna lie I had some huge pants and some tiny ass wheels. Not Unlike @goosefeather who still rocks raver pants and has 13-inch rims on his Grand Am. Powell-Peralta Jelly Balls were the Puerto Rican rims of skateboarding.

Every day for the past two weeks I have popped in The Tale of Two Andres and tried to figure out how to make Google Wave work for me.

I’m pretty heartless but I’ll to admit, when I found out that the dude who shot up Fort Hood has an Islamic-ish name I felt bad for the whole Muslim-American Community. I first thought I was being some kind of bent racist, but then I found out the people were making death threats to a mosque near Dallas I was like, “Nope, I’m right. Stupid ass White people are going to blame all Muslim people for this.”  C’mon America we train these people to kill then we act surprised when one of them does their job too well. Don’t act like you never watched Full Metal Jacket.

Some dudes in Milwaukee heisted a van full of Swine Full vaccine. Do you know what could have if they released thousands of vaccines upon the poor people of Milwaukee?