Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

2013-14: Tauf Aleph

Thursday, March 7th, 2013

Thanks everybody.

My take on this year’s X Games…

Monday, January 28th, 2013

Well…the Shaun White Lovefest that is the X Games came & went this past week/weekend. And whether you watched it or not (because you’re boycotting it until they reinstate modified shovel racing as an event) nothing will change the fact that it happened.

Before I get to that though, I’d just like to tell you that I went and played snowboards 3 times since my last post. 3. Because I like to P-A-R-T-Y. Once in drizzly rain & freezing fog, once on a relatively warm night and once more at night, but in single degree temperatures. Why? Because I’m a fucking G and I got me a new Burton Custom FV 160 Muppet’s (Dr. Teeth) board and needs to be stood upon and slid downhill, that’s why. Each time, my buddy Jordan who I taught how to ride the day before Turkey Day was with me. He’s getting pretty good at it. He’s even got his own set up now. He’s hooked.

Anyhow…back to the X Games. I got some thoughts I’d like to share about them. Here we go!

THE GOOD

• Shaun White’s pipe run: 24 feet of air on the first hit? Are you fucking kidding me? That’s quarter pipe-type air we’re talking about! While his run lacked style, even the most outspoken SW hater couldn’t argue that his 2nd run wasn’t the best run of the night, and that he desevred to win. What I hate though, is that that run was better than his winning run last year, and it got a 98, but last year he got a “perfect” 100.

• The sign Scotty Lago’s dog wore: “That’s my daddy”…? Fucking awesome.

• Ayumu Hirano: that little dude went OFF last night in the finals, and earned 2nd place. Oh, he’s 14 years old, 5’2″ & in 8th grade. Dude is gonna be nasty and take lots of top podium spots…unless judges decide to fuck him over like his fellow countryman, Kazu Kokubo.

• Elena Hight: She keeps getting better.

• The Swedish Chef “This is SportsCenter” commercial: Damn I love me some Muppets. However, after the 19th time, I was getting tired of it.

• The Mighty Ducks: Sorry, this has nothing to with the X Games. It’s just currently on while I’m typing this up. QUACK, you cake eater!

THE BAD

• Just about EVERY other commercial: HOLY SHIT! How many times can the same commercial be played…over and over and over…in the span of 4 days?!? Has anyone in the history of watching the X Games been persuaded to enlist with the NAVY while watching the X Games? “I like shredding, so logically, I’ll join the Navy, where they do a shit ton of winter sports. Gonna jump in my JEEP, call Geico for low rates, guzzle a Red Bull and drive to the Taco Bell for some fourth meal before I head on down to the recruiter’s office.”

• BoarderCross, as well as SkierCross, is no more: Apparently, the decision to end BX in the X Games was made in August, but I didn’t find out until Wednesday. I, for the life of me, cannot figure out why they would take out out the most gnar event from the X Games. They left in SnoCross and Speed & Style, all performed on snowmobiles. You know what I did when that came on? Said “Fuck this shit!” and took a nap on the couch, falling asleep while watching Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader on GSN. Turns out, I’m not. But seriously…SnoCross might as well just be winter NASCAR. Dude who won beat the entire field by 11 seconds. And there was 16 fucking laps of that boring ass shit. But they cut the one event that is retardedly fast paced and more exciting than the the championship peewee hockey game between the Hawks and the Ducks, (Sorry…still watching Mighty Ducks. DAMN Charlie stepped up on that penalty shot). Also, not having a BX contest this year robbed all of us from seeing how Lindsey Jacobellis was going to fuck up winning right before the finish line.

• Shaun White’s choice of attire: Can anyone tell me why SW thought looking like the Gimp was a good look? Dude looked like he was an extra at the Blue Oyster Bar from Police Academy. He needs to dump that coach of his if that dude isn’t stepping up and telling him that he needs to cut the leather daddy Hot Topic bullshit.

• Scotty Lago’s drop in: “YEA! LAGO IS THE LAST DUDE THAT CAN WIN DROPPING IN! PRIDE OF NEW HAMPSHIRE RIGHT THERE! HE’S GONNA GIVE SHAUN A RUN FOR HIS MON-oh…WTF? He fell dropping IN to the pipe? Awesome. What else is on tv?”

• ESPN basically verbally blowing SW: Any and every chance they got, they were hyping him up. Sure he won the pipe, but still…when another rider is about to drop in, and the camera is glued on SW…enough is a enough.

• Keir Dillon Announcing: Not trying to hate on him, but he sucked. Sounds like he’s been huffing helium & his on-camera appearances were so uncomfortable and odd. FUN SIDE NOTE: Keir & I almost came to fisticuffs at the US Open in 2003 or 2004; I can’t recall exactly which year it was. But we’re good now.

• Skier attempting a 1980 in Big Air: Five and a half rotations? Really? That’s not even cool. Next year, maybe when they get rid of another event that is awesome, like Slopestyle, they can replace it with Super Twirling. First person to get a nosebleed wins. X-TREME!!!

THE UGLY

• Kelly Clark: Look…I’m no catch…and neither is shim.

• Rogue sled into the crowd: The Aussie motocross turned freestyle snowmobile dude had less than 4 hours on a sled, total, in his lifetime. Yeah…that seems safe. While his fancy trick was pretty cool, he somehow got his sled to ghost ride into the crowd, injuring a teenage bystander. Made me think of this song, (which in turn made me think of riding, jetlagged and stoned out of my mind in the thin ColoRADo air at Echo Mountain Park, RIP, and getting my boogie on alongside Loaf & Zagbeast the Hoebag):

Well…that’s all for now. Flame away.

-CLK

Just the tip…

Tuesday, January 8th, 2013

HEY THERE!

It’s been a while since I posted anything, and for that I apologize. Who would’ve thought that rocking out on #Funemployment would take up so much of my time?

First, let’s play catch up, shall we? Here’s a list of shit that happened since my last entry:

• I got lifted many a times, and was drawn in by the McRib’s siren song many times over.
• I got my elderly swag on as I played bingo at Foxwoods. Won nothing, but did some damn good people watching.
• I got engaged! To a girl, at that! Gross, right? You’re all invited to the wedding; bring money.
• Christmas happened. Didn’t get a Red Ryder BB Gun as I had desired. Did get a Lawrence Taylor autographed Giants mini helmet though. He is def my fav linebacker-turned-sex offender of all time.
• I played snowboards just ONCE since my first time this year. Yea, I know I’m a terrible person, but at least I made it count and went out while it was puking (by CT standards) snow.
• Connecticut experienced a few different snow falls, most recent and notable was the one that dropped over 10+ inches on us when the weatherfolk were saying it’d do no more than 1″-3″.
• Turned another year older and spent the day at the Giants/Eagles football contest in the Drrrty Jerzz. Giants romped the Sheagles and we (the entire stadium) got to bid Andy Reid farewell by chanting “EAGLES SUCK!” as one. Joke’s on us though…both our teams suck.

Now, on to more or less the “snowboard” portion of this piece. During my last outing, I noticed a pain in my big toe every time I turned heel side. It felt as if it was hitting the top/right side of the boot/liner and was causing me discomfort. Now, I am not gonna sit here and claim that I am the sharpest tool in the shed, but when I bought the boots (Burton Imperials) last year, they were fine. I know how to buy boots/shoes. Being a sneakerhead, I’d have to throw myself into a raging dumpster fire if I didn’t, right? Had them heat molded to my dogs and rode on them plenty. So you can see how this could be a concern.

There are a few things that may or may not be the reason behind the pain I was experiencing:
1.) I had just recently replaced the stock insoles with Superfeet (blue) insoles, and they seem a bit thicker and were causing my toe to bulge upwards a bit more. I could grind them down slightly by using a sander but have not yet done so.
2.) I may have gained weight and in doing so, gravity being the bitch that it is, pulled all my fattyness to my big toe and is fucking with me.
3.) Maybe my boots shrunk back after packing out last season.
4.) I’m some sort of mutant Chernobyl baby with one foot slightly bigger than the other.
5.) All of the above.

No matter what the reason, something had to change, ASAP! So, I set out to do the only thing I could think of doing in order to alleviate the affected area besides sawing off my big toe…I was dead set on trimming the toe area of the liner. I mean, ANY bit of material taken off would surely help, right? So I hope the tips that follow on how to trim a liner the Czarek Leopold Kielbaski Way™ will help some of you out there.

Step One:
Rip a few bong hits. This is an essential step.

Step One*point*Five:
Remove the liner from the boot. If you don’t know how to do this, then we can’t be friends, and i wish great harm on you.

Pull it out…yeaaaaaa…jusssst like thaaat…

Step Two:
Circle the area you wish to trim down using some sort of marker that will show on the material. I used a jizz stick.

“O” marks the spot…

Step Three:
Get your dremel tool out. Oh, what’s that? You have a dremel but the only available bit is too dull? What else, you’re a baller and are gonna use a drill press with a round grinding bit? Ok, Play Boy, but make sure the press is set to the fastest speed, else you’re gonna do nothing to it but tease the tip just like when you would grind at the 8th grade dances.

“I don’t think so, Tim.” “Fuck you, Al!”

 

Step Three*point*Five:
Now I’m sure there are people out there that will stress safety, and recommend you wear some sort of protective eye wear or something. I mean, you could, but if safety was up there on our list, step one wouldn’t be what it is. So, relax, pussy, get to grinding. Gently grind the tip (giggity) of the liner and you’ll notice it start to fray. Work up towards and into the material that is fraying to loosen it.

Gleaming that cube…

 

Step Three*point*Five*point*Five:
You’ll see the material give way to the foam underneath. Now, this is where I called it quits with the grinder as I wasn’t sure if there was one more layer under the foam or not. Don’t want to go through it as you’ll have cold toes and be pretty pissed at the world. I picked the material by hand and was able to separate it from some more foam as well.

pay dirt…

Step Four:
Use a blade, be it Xacto or a simple razor from a box cutter, and get your cut on. This should be easy for you Bieber fans out there. Use the blade to cut the remainder of frayed material off of the area you circled, leaving that foam exposed. That foam, without material on it, will more than likely be all that you need to allow your toe stretch through.

“Imma cut you so bad, you gon’wish I didn’t cut you so bad.”

Step Five:
Stuff that liner back in there like a boss & try that em effer on and walk it out. For me it worked to the tune of feeling better, but I have not yet rode the boot. Hopefully will tomorrow and see how it feels. If the problem persists i will give sanding the insole down a bit a go.

Get in where you fit in. Also, don’t judge me for wearing sweatpants in public. I iz fat.

Hopefully this DIY tutorial helped. If it didn’t, and you read all this anyhow, what the fuck is wrong with you?

-CLK

2013-2: The Continuing Adventures of Snowboarding and the General Population

Friday, January 4th, 2013

Guys (I mean this in the gender-neutral, all inclusive way), it’s just snowboarding, right? I mean yeah, there are millions and millions of dollars in the game now, but it’s still snowboarding. It’s still all about being out there, having fun with your friends and stomping trip corks. And if you believe that you are fooling yourself. This shit it real life.

Item #1
Mastering Snowboarding


Look kid, you want to get out there and really master some snowboarding? Try it like this: First, buy my book. Second, master snowboarding.

You want to know about techniques? They’re in my book. By the time you’re done purchasing and reading my book you will have mastered snowboarding techniques, like the “Turn” and the “Go Straight”.  I’m also going to show you how to do the tricks. The section on japan airs is pretty short. It reads, “It’s not going to look good when you do it, so don’t try unless you’re alone.” Of course, there is also a 47-page chapter on the method. We’ll be going over and over and over that one, so you don’t fuck it up. You don’t want to look like that fat fuck, Rumorator, and spend your junior year with desktop wallpaper of you doing a girl method, do you? Shit, I should have written this book years ago for him.

Equipment is important, so we cover that too. You think you can just show up at the ski area with Ten Things I Hate About You on VHS and a dog-eared copy of Taming of the Shrew talking about intertextuality? WRONGO, dude. Wrongo. You need equipment. Specifically boots, bindings and a snowboard. WHOA, SPOILER ALERT!

But still, buy the book, it’s packed with important strategies. Because this is Mastering Snowboarding, we’re gonna start with the basics like, “Stop sitting on the ground, like a cripple, to put on your bindings”. Stand up and do it. Honestly, it’s not that hard. I even saw that shitbag, Rumorator, do it standing up while smoking a cig.

We’ll also cover these important strategies:

  • Bury your beers in the snowbank by your car. That way they are chilled when you want them. But, be sure to mark your burying spot with a stick and remember not to piss on them.
  • You can also bury beers on the hill for later use.
  • When your getting on the chairlift, remember: goofy-footeds go on the left, regulars on the right.
  • Seriously, parking lot beers are the best.
  • Have you tried those NXTZ necktubes? Unbelievable. Whole new world with those things on.
  • How to get Hannah Teter to sign on as co-author.

I hope they send me a copy so I could see what it’s really about. I imagine it being too similar to the Skateboarding Freestyle books the library had when I was a youth.

Take note: I have never written a book.

Item #2
Perhaps with all of their book money Hannah and Tawnya can each buy a new Mercedes Benz C350 with 4matic.

Where do we start with this rubbish?

Clearly these people don’t read Boardistan. Don’t they know towing kills? This shit isn’t big wave surfing. This isn’t Laird Hamilton. There is no need to be pulled around for side hits like this.

Rob Kingwell, you and your strange accent urge the viewer to trust you that this is going to be epic. But it’s incredibly unepic. This is some wakeboarding style happening here. I’m surprised there are no white sunglazzles shown and that Brooke Geery isn’t around to write an article about it.

I guess this is to demonstrate the traction of the 4matic, but I’m pretty sure most cars could do this with or without four-wheel drive. But hey, Jackson Hole, snow and a snowboarder. It all comes together for a prefect example of extremism and why you should buy a Mercedes.

It seems Brain Farm produced this piece for MB. It’s rad that they got paid, but I kind of feel bad for them because they probably had something way cooler in mind and then the client kept pulling it back and pulling it back. Because that’s how advertising works. Good ideas get fucked over and over and over until no one is happy.

Thanks to Clara Lubansky and her twitter account for the heads up on this.

Ugh. Enjoy your weekend.

2012-85: Right to it

Friday, December 21st, 2012

We ended up with 15 inches at the HQ.  I’m going to rip snowboards. Then hit my office holiday party. Not thrilled on that last part.

Pour out a lil’bit of your 40′z for Hostess…

Friday, November 16th, 2012

By now, I am sure everyone has heard the sad, sad news that Hostess, (the company that puts forth such awesomeness that is Ding-Dongs, Ho-Hos, Donettes, Cup Cakes and without question their most popular item, Twinkies and the not so awesomeness that is Wonder Bread), is shutting it’s doors. Oh, you haven’t heard, well, Hostess is shutting it’s doors. Sorry for harshing your vibe, bro.

Many have guessed that they are doing so as a result of Obamacare, or kids starting to realize that they rather eat a salad instead of a Suzy Q. Not so. They are a victim of a union-lead workers strike, which hasn’t been resolved and as a result, Hostess had to shut down the studio.

Legal communism was Twinkies’ downfall. Not diabeetus, nor a nuclear apocalypse. I am not one for crazy claims, but maybe, just maybe, the Mayans were right. If so, I’m maxing out my credit cards and saying “fuck it” to paying them off. What’s the point?

I’d be liar if I said I didn’t indulge in some of their tasty treats, Honey Buns being one of my favorite items they offered. I’d also be a liar if I said I hadn’t thought about going out and pillaging any and all Hostess snacks remaining at the local stores with the remainder of my baller-ass funemployment money, and selling that shit at a premium on the internets. I really would…but I am too afraid of being murdered via Craigslist, and one too many deposed kings of Nigeria have burned me in the past. That, and I simply don’t have any room for that shit at the apartment. Shelves need to be stocked to the rafters with mac-n-cheese, Skittles, Cholula flavored beef jerky, salt & vinegar chips, Dr. Pepper and wet wipes at all times. AT ALL TIMES! Especially in times of crisis like now.

Aside from the 18,000 or so jobs that are now lost in this whole fiasco, the workers’ and their families, Hostess clearly didn’t think about the stoners in this country. Besides mothers of overweight children on their way to juvenile diabeetus, who else supported them, huh? Stoners. That’s who. Can’t tell you how many times I opted for Cup Cakes or Donettes to accompany my Coca-Cola Slurpee while baked out of my mind at 7-Eleven. In what’s possibly the cruelest twist of all; ColoRADo legalizes marijuana followed swiftly by the demise of Hostess. If that’s not irony, I don’t know what is. Sure now they’ll be able to pick up herb just about anywhere, but they’ll be forced to seek out seedy characters, in dark, grimy back alleys so they could buy a case of Fruit Pies out of the back of a sketchy van, from a dude wearing a leather jacket and an eye patch. How many dicks are going to be sucked for a sugary fix, huh?

Also, I certainly am not looking forward to next year’s fair season. If there’s any one thing I love more than a good book not to read, it’s eating like a fucking ‘Merican at the fair. How much are deep fried Twinkies going to set me back now? That is if they even have them! With what’s sure to be an extremely limited supply, I can just see the prices of them now, “1 for $100, 2 for $150″. They’re gonna be the deep fried caviar of the fair. Well…until someone actually figures out a way to deep fry caviar, I guess.

In my mind, I envision tubby children and adults, some one-footed casualties of the diabeetus, staging wild and violent protests outside the Hostess factory gates. Much like the ones seen at Benghazi, but with the demonstrations slowing to a halt due to protesters becoming winded much, much sooner. But in reality, I’m certain they just said “fuck it”, and switched allegiance to Little Debbie Snacks, just like that. Indifferent to the fact that Little Debbie’s is to Hostess as Betamax is to VHS. Similar, but not the same, and only douchers think otherwise.

Today is fat kid 9/11. NEVER FORGET.

-CLK

via con dios, sweet amigo.

 

2012-75: El Dia de los Muertos

Thursday, November 1st, 2012

This is the second time this year I’ve seen puppets blowing blow in a video. Seems like a pretty good year.

In Other News:

Show some respect.

Lastly

Hey Upper Playground, how about releasing The Stick Up for android? For you iFonies who haven’t gotten down yet, what the fuck is your deal?

2012-69: Slowly Slipping Into Winter

Monday, October 1st, 2012

Believe me when I tell you this: Winter is coming.

There may again be a severe lack of snow that translates into failed crops all across the country for another year, but winter is coming. I know this because all the snowboardering websites are relaunching and reminding me to toss away money like there’s AIDS on it (easy there judgers, that’s an MF Doom reference so it’s pretty much untouchable).

But it’s not enough to tell me I need approximately six new snowboards, 17 jackets and a handful of new goggles (Notice how I didn’t say boots? Fuck it, only one of those things is blood soaked, so the Ambush still have a few good years left in them). Apparently there is other shit I’m supposed to be being buying as well. Most noticeably “after riding shoes.”

Turns out those beat down dunks, that my feet can slide in and out of without effort, aren’t good enough anymore. MFers what me to actually buy shoes to wear when I get done. Like I don’t just wear my boots into the bar.

Who am I trying to impress? Some ski racer moms? Dudes in turtlenecks?

I thought that is why they put bars at ski areas—so you have friends to look ridiculous with, after you’ve taken your third run of the day. Everyone looks like foolz so it’s all okay.

But it seems I supposed to be wearing these special after riding shoes. And they have names like The Off Mountain Series or the Adidas Blauvelt.

I took this image direct from Snowboarder mag dot com. They even awarded the AdiJBs “Gear of The Day”, which I assume means it was delivered first and came with a promise to buy ad space, of which there is plenty. That’s probably a plus as 40 percent of the sales are going to dudes stoked on confusion as they think thank they’re getting Jesse Burtner’s signature shoe.

The good thing about the AdiJBs is they look like actual hikery boots, so you can feel rugged to fuckall when figuring out that they look like shit with everything you own. Plus, they come in various colors. Too bad they don’t come in other styles.

Nike’s in the game as well:

I stole that pic from MODA3’s instergramps© feed. Check that shit out. Brought to you by the people who brought you Nike Snowboarding brought to you by the people who brought you Nike Skateboarding brought to you by the people who brought you Nike Soccer brought to you by the people who brought you Nike Bike brought to you by the people who brought you Nike Hockey brought to you by the people who brought you Nike Golf brought to you by the people who brought you Nike High School Wrestling brought to you by the people who brought you MegaJocks

Fuck it at least they’re paying Gigi, Nico and Hadar (Call me girl. You got my number, right?)

But you know who was on this tip 20 years ago? Airwalk. Aftaboots. I wasn’t anywhere near old enough to open my throat and slug back 5 bloody marys and ¾ pack of smokes and I knew after riding gear was goofy then too.

Contradicting myself: You wanna know who did it best? Gravis, with the Cue. Bring that shit back and I’ll buy a lifetime supply.

Lets step away from the shred world for a minute.

This exists:

FUCK NO.
Here’s a great gift: 4000 calories, rotten teeth and at least a week’s worth of questioning your sexuality. On the candy front I think this would be perfect for WhyB, but I’m not here to talk about  the candy. Let’s talk about the marketing. Sure, there was the one dick joke in the ad, but we’re better than that. Let’s get beyond the euphemisms and market this thing for the purpose it was intended.

I don’t claim to be a marketing genius. In fact, as of late I’m nothing more than a cut-rate editor. SUCK IT CLIENTS. But I can tell you there is no need for a youtube video here. Just run this image:

Tagline: Rots teeth, morals.

Then simply set it up with a webcam page.
It will sell.

Lumpy Bonus Roll

2012-66 Back to School Special

Tuesday, September 4th, 2012

It’s back to school time and that means it’s your one chance to make a good impression on a whole grip of new faces. Better make it good AND cool.

Sure, as a former TA we could discuss proper studying technics, or how to write an A-level freshman English paper (answer: give your TA blowser in the biblioteca), but there are other websites for that kind of shlock.

Here at Rumorator.com we deliver the info that is going to make your life better. Remember who told you that more junk in the trunk was a theory best left to hoarders?
Remember who told you Jonah Lehrer was for real and the media was just coming down on him?
Remember who taught you to play Cee-lo?

That was Old Rumorator knowledge, acquired over years of alcohol misuse, drug abuse and syphilitic dementia. Don’t question it. Just accept these nuggets of knowledge as the gems they are.

10 Ways to Cool Up at College

• Get the biggest backpack you can find. A lot of people won’t admit the backpack competition exists, but it’s there. Also, be sure your pack has a lot of straps for carrying a lot of things.
• Hold off on pledging to that frat until after the election. If the Republicans take power, those frat house are going to be a lot more “sexy” and a lot less “rapey”.
• Remember, there are no drug tests when you’re on academic probation.
• Listen, man, you’re going to regret a lot of things in college. But you’ll regret nothing as much as your choice to get a poster of The Doors.
• Once you have the biggest, strappiest backpack and everyone knows it, switch to a messenger bag. Stay on your toes, bitchezz.
• HOT TIP: On warm days the Porter Boathouse is like a Mecca of hot asses and bikinis. On cold days it’s as ugly and miserable as the rest of the Wisconsin.
• Find a partner quickly, before you pack on 10 pounds and white dude dreadlocks.
• Read every book you can from F Scott Fitzgerald, Phillip Roth, and Ntozake Shange, study the works of I.M. Pei and Daniel Libeskind and get ready to use all of the gained knowledge in a discussion about Zahi Hadid being a hack. This will keep you out of fights and vaginas.
• Never forget that old motivational poster hanging in your guidance counselor’s office. That one that had a picture of Kokopelli on it and read “Dance like no one is looking. Fuck like you’re on a webcam.”
• Skip class and smoke cigs.

2012-63 Dwell On It

Wednesday, August 8th, 2012

Found this in the Huck Magazine Twitter trough

The Surf Magazines Don’t Talk About Lapsed Catholics from Todd Stewart on Vimeo.