Just the tip…

January 8th, 2013

HEY THERE!

It’s been a while since I posted anything, and for that I apologize. Who would’ve thought that rocking out on #Funemployment would take up so much of my time?

First, let’s play catch up, shall we? Here’s a list of shit that happened since my last entry:

• I got lifted many a times, and was drawn in by the McRib’s siren song many times over.
• I got my elderly swag on as I played bingo at Foxwoods. Won nothing, but did some damn good people watching.
• I got engaged! To a girl, at that! Gross, right? You’re all invited to the wedding; bring money.
• Christmas happened. Didn’t get a Red Ryder BB Gun as I had desired. Did get a Lawrence Taylor autographed Giants mini helmet though. He is def my fav linebacker-turned-sex offender of all time.
• I played snowboards just ONCE since my first time this year. Yea, I know I’m a terrible person, but at least I made it count and went out while it was puking (by CT standards) snow.
• Connecticut experienced a few different snow falls, most recent and notable was the one that dropped over 10+ inches on us when the weatherfolk were saying it’d do no more than 1″-3″.
• Turned another year older and spent the day at the Giants/Eagles football contest in the Drrrty Jerzz. Giants romped the Sheagles and we (the entire stadium) got to bid Andy Reid farewell by chanting “EAGLES SUCK!” as one. Joke’s on us though…both our teams suck.

Now, on to more or less the “snowboard” portion of this piece. During my last outing, I noticed a pain in my big toe every time I turned heel side. It felt as if it was hitting the top/right side of the boot/liner and was causing me discomfort. Now, I am not gonna sit here and claim that I am the sharpest tool in the shed, but when I bought the boots (Burton Imperials) last year, they were fine. I know how to buy boots/shoes. Being a sneakerhead, I’d have to throw myself into a raging dumpster fire if I didn’t, right? Had them heat molded to my dogs and rode on them plenty. So you can see how this could be a concern.

There are a few things that may or may not be the reason behind the pain I was experiencing:
1.) I had just recently replaced the stock insoles with Superfeet (blue) insoles, and they seem a bit thicker and were causing my toe to bulge upwards a bit more. I could grind them down slightly by using a sander but have not yet done so.
2.) I may have gained weight and in doing so, gravity being the bitch that it is, pulled all my fattyness to my big toe and is fucking with me.
3.) Maybe my boots shrunk back after packing out last season.
4.) I’m some sort of mutant Chernobyl baby with one foot slightly bigger than the other.
5.) All of the above.

No matter what the reason, something had to change, ASAP! So, I set out to do the only thing I could think of doing in order to alleviate the affected area besides sawing off my big toe…I was dead set on trimming the toe area of the liner. I mean, ANY bit of material taken off would surely help, right? So I hope the tips that follow on how to trim a liner the Czarek Leopold Kielbaski Way™ will help some of you out there.

Step One:
Rip a few bong hits. This is an essential step.

Step One*point*Five:
Remove the liner from the boot. If you don’t know how to do this, then we can’t be friends, and i wish great harm on you.

Pull it out…yeaaaaaa…jusssst like thaaat…

Step Two:
Circle the area you wish to trim down using some sort of marker that will show on the material. I used a jizz stick.

“O” marks the spot…

Step Three:
Get your dremel tool out. Oh, what’s that? You have a dremel but the only available bit is too dull? What else, you’re a baller and are gonna use a drill press with a round grinding bit? Ok, Play Boy, but make sure the press is set to the fastest speed, else you’re gonna do nothing to it but tease the tip just like when you would grind at the 8th grade dances.

“I don’t think so, Tim.” “Fuck you, Al!”

 

Step Three*point*Five:
Now I’m sure there are people out there that will stress safety, and recommend you wear some sort of protective eye wear or something. I mean, you could, but if safety was up there on our list, step one wouldn’t be what it is. So, relax, pussy, get to grinding. Gently grind the tip (giggity) of the liner and you’ll notice it start to fray. Work up towards and into the material that is fraying to loosen it.

Gleaming that cube…

 

Step Three*point*Five*point*Five:
You’ll see the material give way to the foam underneath. Now, this is where I called it quits with the grinder as I wasn’t sure if there was one more layer under the foam or not. Don’t want to go through it as you’ll have cold toes and be pretty pissed at the world. I picked the material by hand and was able to separate it from some more foam as well.

pay dirt…

Step Four:
Use a blade, be it Xacto or a simple razor from a box cutter, and get your cut on. This should be easy for you Bieber fans out there. Use the blade to cut the remainder of frayed material off of the area you circled, leaving that foam exposed. That foam, without material on it, will more than likely be all that you need to allow your toe stretch through.

“Imma cut you so bad, you gon’wish I didn’t cut you so bad.”

Step Five:
Stuff that liner back in there like a boss & try that em effer on and walk it out. For me it worked to the tune of feeling better, but I have not yet rode the boot. Hopefully will tomorrow and see how it feels. If the problem persists i will give sanding the insole down a bit a go.

Get in where you fit in. Also, don’t judge me for wearing sweatpants in public. I iz fat.

Hopefully this DIY tutorial helped. If it didn’t, and you read all this anyhow, what the fuck is wrong with you?

-CLK

2013-4: Meta-analysis part 1

January 8th, 2013

Section A :
Big changes going on over on the Rumorator twitter account. Yes, MFers this is news. Okay, maybe not news, but certainly it cannot be less important than Mercedes-Benz making a boring-ass ad with Rob Kingwell.

People be all like, “Oh, wolfism. Real original.” But you know what? Fuck’em. Everything has been done and the hackery is in the details. Three-wolf shirts? Over. But Jack London and White Fang. That scat is still as fresh as it was in 1906. We’re on the trail of something bigger here. WolfDog for sure.

It’s about the apex-predatory alliance. Dudes in India are faced with this this everyday: Do I want to be the Tiger, the most feared and elusive beast on the planet? Or do I want to be a Hanuman Langur? Shackled and made to do the bidding of the human hand that feeds me. If dude lived underwater, is he gonna want to be a mollusk? Or Orcinus Orca?

Apex predatory envy.

Man, I once had a dream I faked my own death to get a mamajama to pay attention to me and Micheal Ian Black had the role of fraudulent funeral director. Leading lady was played by Emily Z, who I knew from cafflick church in my youth. She was still rocking that eye patch she had to wear for a few weeks in second grade, too. And see, that put a lot of people off Emily Z. But last time I saw her, like a decade plus ago, she was Wisconsin-cute.

That is Apex predatoryism. Time isn’t even an issue. Even in my sleep. White Faang.

Part two:
I caught this little video over on Todd Richards’ shill site. And it is good.

One Run – Austin Smith from Nitro Snowboards on Vimeo.

That dude can ride snowboards well, and in an appealing manner.

2013-3: Going Out to the Races

January 7th, 2013

You can feel it in the air around here. The way it hasn’t significantly snowed in 2 weeks. The way the forecast is calling for some rain this weekend. The way it’s the middle of January and 40 degrees. Fuck it, it must be banked slalom time.

So you skipped the A-rob Smashlife Banked Slalom and you didn’t make the cut for the Mt Baker Banked? It’s cool, you can ride the Legendary Tyrol Basin Focus Boardshop in Madison Banked Slalom.

That’s right, this weekend, all of us Midwestern oldsters can prove our worth and push our chairlift to on-snow time to 8:1. Certainly, there will be some gear for the winners, but these aren’t the class of people I run with. I’m more with the side bets and slugging beer at the starting line crew. Shit is gonna get raw. Well, at least old man raw.

Anyway here’s the promo poster for it: 

 Which might look like something you’ve seen before, because you know, fuck a designer.

2013-2: The Continuing Adventures of Snowboarding and the General Population

January 4th, 2013

Guys (I mean this in the gender-neutral, all inclusive way), it’s just snowboarding, right? I mean yeah, there are millions and millions of dollars in the game now, but it’s still snowboarding. It’s still all about being out there, having fun with your friends and stomping trip corks. And if you believe that you are fooling yourself. This shit it real life.

Item #1
Mastering Snowboarding


Look kid, you want to get out there and really master some snowboarding? Try it like this: First, buy my book. Second, master snowboarding.

You want to know about techniques? They’re in my book. By the time you’re done purchasing and reading my book you will have mastered snowboarding techniques, like the “Turn” and the “Go Straight”.  I’m also going to show you how to do the tricks. The section on japan airs is pretty short. It reads, “It’s not going to look good when you do it, so don’t try unless you’re alone.” Of course, there is also a 47-page chapter on the method. We’ll be going over and over and over that one, so you don’t fuck it up. You don’t want to look like that fat fuck, Rumorator, and spend your junior year with desktop wallpaper of you doing a girl method, do you? Shit, I should have written this book years ago for him.

Equipment is important, so we cover that too. You think you can just show up at the ski area with Ten Things I Hate About You on VHS and a dog-eared copy of Taming of the Shrew talking about intertextuality? WRONGO, dude. Wrongo. You need equipment. Specifically boots, bindings and a snowboard. WHOA, SPOILER ALERT!

But still, buy the book, it’s packed with important strategies. Because this is Mastering Snowboarding, we’re gonna start with the basics like, “Stop sitting on the ground, like a cripple, to put on your bindings”. Stand up and do it. Honestly, it’s not that hard. I even saw that shitbag, Rumorator, do it standing up while smoking a cig.

We’ll also cover these important strategies:

  • Bury your beers in the snowbank by your car. That way they are chilled when you want them. But, be sure to mark your burying spot with a stick and remember not to piss on them.
  • You can also bury beers on the hill for later use.
  • When your getting on the chairlift, remember: goofy-footeds go on the left, regulars on the right.
  • Seriously, parking lot beers are the best.
  • Have you tried those NXTZ necktubes? Unbelievable. Whole new world with those things on.
  • How to get Hannah Teter to sign on as co-author.

I hope they send me a copy so I could see what it’s really about. I imagine it being too similar to the Skateboarding Freestyle books the library had when I was a youth.

Take note: I have never written a book.

Item #2
Perhaps with all of their book money Hannah and Tawnya can each buy a new Mercedes Benz C350 with 4matic.

Where do we start with this rubbish?

Clearly these people don’t read Boardistan. Don’t they know towing kills? This shit isn’t big wave surfing. This isn’t Laird Hamilton. There is no need to be pulled around for side hits like this.

Rob Kingwell, you and your strange accent urge the viewer to trust you that this is going to be epic. But it’s incredibly unepic. This is some wakeboarding style happening here. I’m surprised there are no white sunglazzles shown and that Brooke Geery isn’t around to write an article about it.

I guess this is to demonstrate the traction of the 4matic, but I’m pretty sure most cars could do this with or without four-wheel drive. But hey, Jackson Hole, snow and a snowboarder. It all comes together for a prefect example of extremism and why you should buy a Mercedes.

It seems Brain Farm produced this piece for MB. It’s rad that they got paid, but I kind of feel bad for them because they probably had something way cooler in mind and then the client kept pulling it back and pulling it back. Because that’s how advertising works. Good ideas get fucked over and over and over until no one is happy.

Thanks to Clara Lubansky and her twitter account for the heads up on this.

Ugh. Enjoy your weekend.

2013-1: Back to Life

January 3rd, 2013

The 9000 pound rhinoceros in the chatroom:
Let’s just deal with this before we go on.

A-man rode this. That legal weeding MFer, splittered up as far he could go, then boot packed the rest. When he got to the top, he rode a snowboard back down. Holy shit, right? He’s just like, “Swot I do.”

Let me tell you this: A-man is legend in my house. LEGEND. You thought his split adventures and rope skipping were the end of it. Nope. Dude destroyed the Supernatural event with double-helichopters. He comes back next season, kills us with a quarter-helichopter, and somehow it’s progress. Then, he gets back on the splitter and does this.

In my mother’s house they just hung a portrait of A-man over the dining room table. Full fucking aureola. But then again, they were never very good cafflicks.

What else is news?
All the news that is news revolves around little sleep, fewer showers and a lot of standing in the snow. The office was shuttered between the winter solstice and New Year’s Day, so I spent as much time as possible riding on snowboards. It was fun. Early on I felt old, then I felt young and spry, then after like 5 days in row, my body felt old again. But that could be because I chose not to bother with things like sleep or healthy living.

There is also the issue of this thing:

Man, I’ve been riding on snowboards for a couple of decades now. And I’ve been suckered into some real-deal snake oils. Leashes, low backs, chain wallets (time is still gonna tell on this one) and Forum Snowboards, just to name a few. So when saw this NXTZ gear come up, I was thinking, “Well that’s cute.”

But I wanted to support it. American made products, good styles and fuck it, Dale is behind it. I was 75% on board. Then, Yobeat did one up with those fucking cats and I was sold.

Broder, I don’t even like cats, but that was just too good. Here’s another thing: Brooke made me pay for that shit, so I wasn’t even about to be Swayboardered. But you know, backing Yobeat, backing NXTZ, backing Dale’s vision for the brand, I can only dream of all my purchases being so considered.

This thing is ridiculously warm. It’s to the point now that I don’t want to ride without it. I guess I never really noticed how much cold air was blowing through my neck hole, but I do now when I’m necktubeless.

Plus, it’s enabled me to run a lot less gear and stay warm. Often this year, I’ve been out in vests and light coats with the necktube. And that’s not like running vests and light coats in Tahoe or Mammoth, shit is cold here. This is Wisconsin. We ride trash heaps and fake snow.

The Necktube works, go get one here, or get the Yobeat catz version here. They’re warm and your supporting some rad people in the game.

J-Pop America Fun Time Now
After I was old and all snowboarded out, I made the trip to Chicago to spend New Years Eve with C-blast, Metal Joe, and Xine.

Xine was recently run down by a car, but she was still able to hobble around with us. Anyway for as long as I have known Xine, she has been talking about the Xine family New Years party and how I really need to go. A decade later I’m there.

Holy fuck, how did I ever miss this? There were like 100 people there, all family and close friends. And the food. Tables and tables and tables of pickled vegetables, sushi, sashimi, Japanese soups and deserts and it was all so good.

But that was only half of it. Her family is the family you wish you had—all so friendly, intelligent, rad and super welcoming. It was pretty much the best New Year’s Day I’ve ever had. Tip of the hat to this lady:

That’s all I got. I hope you’re all still alive.

2012-85: Right to it

December 21st, 2012

We ended up with 15 inches at the HQ.  I’m going to rip snowboards. Then hit my office holiday party. Not thrilled on that last part.

2012-84: Motivating My Way Through a Monday

December 17th, 2012

Monday action. Here we go.

 Start Part:

A couple images of me have been popping up on line. I guess I should just share them:

Here’s the cover of Beer Advocate I was on this month. I really want to thank Beer Advocate magazine for recognizing my bottle grabbing skillz and for chopping on some tattoo action. This should make me much more successful with the women are who are really into getting blackout drunk.

Then there was this image.

 

Notice how unthrilled the mamajama is in the picture. If this took place on a bus, I would have been arrested.

 Keep Going Part:

Weather legends are foretelling of a proper winter storm hitting my zone Wednesday and Thursday. Naturally I’m to be driving the Canadian to the airport in Chicago, so he can get home for the holidays.

The original plan called for me to then swing up to Milwaukee to assist a trivia show there. But if this storm really is a bruiser, there’s no way I’m fucking with my chance to be snowboarding first thing Thursday morning. Sorry office folks, Priorities are priorities and rulez is rulez.

Time is gonna tell how this will play out. I’ll keep you insufficiently posted.

“For all your weather recap needs, turn to WRVR, the station that shows you porno.”

 Ender:

Current Inspiration Builders:

It’s Not Worth It
Sachel Studios — Take Five
Kyoto
Japan Airs

2012-84: Getting ready for the weekend, bitchezz

December 14th, 2012

Guy: Whoa guy, where you been?
Other guy: Guy, you wouldn’t belieb. Been buried under a mountain of words to be written about a fucking washing machine. Maytagging the fuck outta brains.
Guy: Sounds like shits, guy
Other Guy: Right. I ain’t even blogged in like 8 days. Twice dead. I need like 10 days supply of beer, guy. Fuckin office man got me down. Corpbros.

Hey, thank you all for stopping by rumorator.com to read this little blog. I’m not sure if you caught on, but the opening scene was my excuse for not keeping this shit up to date. Both roles were played by me. I also wrote and directed that piece.

Shall we get on with it? We got a lot to cover. So much so that the normal numbering system may not work. But stick with it. Hopefully it won’t be a total waste of your time. And if it is, just think to yourself, “Sheesh, at least I didn’t write that.”

1rd:
Shred A

Last weekend I hanged with college cronies. We went to shitty bars and drank crap beer. But all was cool. Then, I woke up Saturday morning to learn that some 14-year-old dude won the Beijing Air and Style event by tossing down a Backside 1440 something cork something.

Let me be oldish man here for a minute: I’ve seen this dude’s maneuver. He spun the shit out of it. There was plenty of air, but not so much in the style column. Now, I could go on about spin-to-win and all that, but it’s just another example of the gap between snowboarding and Snowboarding.

Jamie Lynn never won shit with his methods. Gigi and Nico Mueller developed into the style machines they are long after they got off the contest train. Blah blah blah. Apart from Kazu, style seems to be noticeably absent from the Snowboarding circuit. It’s just the way it is. The ones who go pop are the ones who sell records.

Then again, 14-year-old dude probably was the provincial hot tamale in a soup without seasoning.

2st
Olymdics Team USA! USA! USA!

So what’s up with these people? They don’t get to smoke weed? What about harder drugs? Which leads me to the next question. where is Sean Blanco?

Oh hey, Lago is back in. Fuck yeah, man. Do it.

3th
Strepchild the Movie

Jesus, if you haven’t watched this yet, and you like seeing dudes bang the fuck outta rails, go watch it now. So good. Also, good work by Stepchild for putting this out there free. I think they were one of the first crews to sell downloadable vids for $3. Then they realized fuck it. Just give it away. It’s a twenty-5 minute advertisement anyway. I could think of some other companies that may want to look at this model.

But yeah, killing it in this video: E-man, J Sexton, and Lane Treeter. Holy fuck, where did that dude come from?

Stepchild team edit 2012 from Stepchild Snowboards on Vimeo.

Then there is the mandatory Tha Don part.

Bro has 2.five minutes at the opening. But here’s the shit thing: the 1nd twenty-five seconds are just glamour shots of The Don. Look at my face. Listen to my voice. I am Tha Don.

I’m just glad this wasn’t the closer.

Then, of course, there is the issue of Modern Love. Tha Don, how are you going to want to be a skateboardist so hard, then use a track from Yeah Right in naught-3? Check it:

No twenty-5 second intro there. We get right into the carnage. Where was this hack element of shred flicks in Illicit snowboarding’s breakdown.

4nd
Buaas gets Clonie

There is something so wonderfully creepy about this. Flawsy Files is probably double bonering right now.

5st

Fuck it. This numbering is all jacked up now.

 

 

 

2012-83: Looking Backwards at Looking Sideways

December 5th, 2012

Looking Sideways x Endeavor Snowboards x Vans Collaboration from Looking Sideways on Vimeo.

This lovage landed in the inbox well over a week ago and I’ve been meaning to post it up. That has kind of been my unintentional approach to the entire We Look Sideways project—it’s always been on the radar, just towards really, really close to the edge. Then again it’s a European project. I’ll add that to my list of excuses.

Nonetheless, it’s a really cool project. The people behind it seem to be some top notch MFers. Give it a look. And when they finally bring this project to North America, maybe you can get involved. Or find some other reason to not send in a pic of your eyes, shifted.

I had a very similar project I was tackling in college, but it was just asses. And I only had like 5-8 pics. Definitely a strong piece.

Thanks to Matt Barr for bringing this to my attention. He and some other raddest people on the enetz, Chris Moran, Rian Rhoe, et al., were knuckle deep in it.

Have I kissed enough asses yet? Do I get to go to Europe and talk about snowboarding all the time now?

As I said, be sure to check this out.

 

2012-82: The December That Isn’t, Yet

December 4th, 2012

!st
Snowboardering

At least we didn’t have to break out the lighter fluid. I don’t know if that shit happens in other places, or if it’s just some Tyrone’s Basement anomaly. But it happens every year.

By late March, the local ski-knoll has rags and jugs of lighter fluid for anyone to use at the bottom of the hill. You see, the snow is melting down, and half of it is artificial anyway, so the snow filthy. That filth collects on your base and after two or three runs it’s like trying to ride on Velcro hook-and-loop fabrics. The lighter fluid strips the filth from your base, and I’m pretty sure it destroys the base as well.

And people do this with complete disregard for the amount of lighter fluid being dumped directly on the ground, their gear, and their exposed skin. Sheeeit. In oh-six I saw a dude, trying to light a cig, go up in flames after using this method. Everyone just let him burn down to ash.

Rulezizrulez and we were trying to grasp the last gasps of winter.

But none of that happened this weekend. Even though it was pushing 50 degrees on Saturday. It also rained. A lot. We still rode. Even tried a few tricks. Then we stood in the rain and drank parking lot beers. Fuck man, it was near perfect. Sure the entire knoll wasn’t even open yet, and there were only a few rails, one jump and the light was flat as that girl you dated in college when you were on that “boobs don’t matter” bender. And it was nearly a downpour. None of that mattered. It was still snowboarding.  It was rad.

Also, at the risk of shayboarderism: I was kept very dry by to my Holden Durden pants and my super old AK Gore-Tex XCR coat.  Thanks to those companies for making good products. But Holden, maybe you guys could work on making buttons that stay on the garments for longer than 25 minutes.

 @nd
Social Medium

There is something wonderful about this tweet:

GingSTEELE is enetz radness for sure. Part-shred mama. Full-time mama. Pretty stoked she’s back on the tweets. Buttfuck, get with that tweet. That thing is heavy. The story she is telling is way bigger than 140 characters.  The language is great. Such suspense—WILL SHE BE ABLE TO DO IT? I’m gonna read that tweet like 30 more times.

That NdGT tweet above GingSTEELE’s is solid as well.

#rd
I’m a Writer

You guys remember when I got a degree in Creative Writing? You guys remember when I got wait-listed at the University of Arkansas-Fayetteville and rejected from a grip of other top graduate schools in the country?

Yeah, those were good times.

But now, after all those years of fretting over unrecognized genius, self aggrandizing bloggery, and realignment of life dreams, Simon & Schuster has decided to enter the game of self-publishing.

I don’t want to brag, but I’m about to become one of the most prolific writers of 2013. You should probably plan on buying such future classics as:

  • Ten Days to Financial Dependency
  • Teddy Roosevelt: An Autobiography
  • After the Aftermath: The Story of How America Forgot About Dre
  • On The Road II
  • Pagan Wood and the New Europe: The Forests of the American Upper Midwest as a Apt Simulacrum of Colonial New England and The Relations to Darkness
  • Dinosaurs: The Book of Dinosaurs
  • Land of The Rising Sun: Teaching Your Preteen Children About Extreme Porno
  • Milkfist
  • Mamma Mia: The Best of My 2012 Olive Garden Fan Fiction
  • On The Road III

I’ll let you know when that shit hits JeffBezos.com