Torontario

November 30th, 2011

Day A

Border patrol agents are no joke. Roll the window down and the car up to their little booth. And there she is—Heated. The last two times I’ve rolled into Canada I’ve dealt with really attractive border agents. She looks at me,
“Citizenship?”
Me, no words just hand her my passport.
“Of what country are you a citizen?”
“USA! USA! USA! USA!”
She wasn’t impressed and fired off a bunch of other questions. But she was nowhere near as grilling as the French-Canadian sassy-lass Flawsy Files and I dealt with.

If you drive any slower the oppression gets you.

And just like that, I was in a foreign country. No longer was the Christian god that speaks to politicians watching over me. These people could smell the freedom on me.

I landed at the Domincan’s place. I’m pretty happy to report that the Dominican doesn’t live in an igloo. Mosty because he is a USA-er and therefore they treat him like a king. He has a  great little joint in Kensington Market. And that hood is serious. Mega graffiti, crust punks, produce stands, a two-block walk to Chinatown, and the oppressive feeling that comes from not have cops slow down and look at you. It immediately made me uncomfortable. I should note I went the entire weekend followed by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. I could feel the freedom slipping away.

Day B
Friday we hustled about on Queen and Richmond. Stopping in and out of shops. Looking at all of their third world clothes and making jokes about their money. DOLLAR COINS! That is absurd! And the prices…HA! I paid like $4(can) for a canadicano, but I had to because their money is not American.

You know how when you go Mexico and a beer is like 6 million pesos, or you can trade a Nissan for a guy’s daughter? At first there is sticker shock, but then it’s cool because that 6 million pesos is only like $5.50 and that Nissan was 2008 rental with insurance anyway. That’s how Canadian money works as well.

At this point I also ate a nutella and banana crepe.

I did see a lot of people wearing nice vests. I suspect these are the igloo dwellers. Some wore Penfield branded ones because clearly they wanted to be Americans. At one point, late on friday night, a woman in a beaver pelt vest was trying to give me Canadian money, but I just laughed at her. Her money was of no use to me, an American. Others were wearing Canada Goose branded ones, I can only assume these are lesser coats because they are made in Canada. This was probably some nationalistic, anti-USA-er shit going on, but I handled it well as I am pro-vest.

We went to The Stussy Toronto shop which was rad, as well as the Undefeated shop next to it. Then we went to Livestock and some sneaker shop next to that. It was rad to see those places packed. Especially because it wasn’t even Black Friday up there, they just called it “Friday.”

Then we rolled over to the CN tower, which is like the Canadian Space Needle, I snapped out my credit card to pay for the tickets and the counter girl was all “Ahh, American?” She could tell because my credit card wasn’t “chipped.” I assume that is how they track Canadians—chipped credit cards.

I suspect counter girl alerted the Royal Canadian Mounted Police of my presence, because when we left I had my first run in with the “Mounties”

But both sides played it cool.

Staring down a Mountie

Day C
Saturday we tooled about in the financial district for a minute and went to a meat and seafood market, where I had another nutella and banana crepe. Of course the Mounties were back. But no worries, I hid from them this time.

the Mounties, though deadly, cannot look to their right or left. Like the mighty alligator.

Later this day I stumbled up a place called Canadian Tire, which had a serious lack of tires and Canadian Tire Toques. I’m pretty sure they could have just called it Tire though, as I have never seen that place in America. I also saw a place called the Hudson Bay Company. I can only assume hunting and trapping is still huge business there as that store took up an entire city block. I wonder what the going rate is on a beaver pelt these days?

Suddenly, it was dark, because of the metric day being shorter and all. But the Mounties were still out. By this time I’d had enough, and I was seriously smashed the fuck up on some Canadian Club 1.2 Dekayear Whiskey.

It's like a new cold war right there.

The next thing I know it was Day D, I had a Canadian cold (should have gotten shots) and was driving home pumping quota rock, all the way back to the border, and freedom.

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Posted in A Very Special Rumorator, Madison Anti-Boredom Campaign | 2 Comments »

English Lessons

November 22nd, 2011

1rd

It happens every so often that snowboarding (the media, the industry, or even the act itself) tries to convince us that there is something going on in the UK. I’m pretty sure the powers that be over there are were thinking, “well I guess it’s time to make another run at this snowboarding game.” I mean it must kill them to think snowboarding is just one more thing the Scandinavians are better than them at doing. Add it to the list:

• Exploration without wiping out autochthonous culture.
• Fjords
• Fjolklore
• Automobile manufacturing
• Church burning
• And now snowboarding too

They’ve tried quite hard to convince us UK shredding was real. They have magazines about it. They have Matt Barr. And it only makes sense. In the grand “Keep Snowboarding Rich and White” theme, of course the UKers would be involved somehow. Those MFers know racism and classism. You would know this if ever listened to an album from the Streets, or watched Precious: A movie based on the novel Push, by Sapphire. Stay focused on the shred though. Really the only rider out of the UK with staying power has been Jenny Jones.

Then I did a little research and found out she is only #3 in the realm of UK shredlegends. I was looking down the list, not recognizing any names until I came to The Real Jenny Jones. I was thinking, “Who the fuck could possibly be bigger?” Part of me was convinced they were going to claim Terry Hawkenson as their own.

Instead I’m confronted by Steve Bailey in #2. I remember that dude. On the Division 23 team. Blasting monster shifties and rocking chain wallets and maybe white dreads if I remember correctly. Oh shit, that was Steve Blakely. I was way off. I have no clue who #2 nor #1 is.

But this latest push is crazy. They send over Jamie Nicholls to win some rail jam in Tokyo. This dude was raised on dry slopes. He’s never actually been on real snow. I imagine he was like the tour guide I in had in Hawaii asking what snow was like. “Can your animals go outside in it?” It must have blown his mind to have to wear a jacket and snow specific pants. WHAT ARE THESE THINGS I AM SLIPPING OVER MY HANDS? GLUVS? Then again, he probably just associated it with Japan. That place is wacky.

Really though, the kid rips.

2st

Fun fact: Jamie Nicholls is represented by Octagon. I wonder if the people at Octagon feel cheated whenever they see the previews for the ABC show Revenge. I like the idea of Octagon-ers thinking, “Those MFers just heisted our “8 as G” motif. And they’re using a serif font as well.”

To make matters worse that show looks like a crap hybrid of The Fugitive and Desperate Housewives. Blah blah blah strong female lead. Whatever. It supposedly takes place in the Hamptons, but there is a serious lack of talk about the hard luck that has fallen on the fishermen. No talk about how they can’t sell no stripers. No luck in swordfishing out there.

3th
Small business Saturday. At first I was not backing this at all. Some fucking corporate propagated do-gooderism-autofellatio. But then I found out my local shop, MODA3, was involved. I still think it’s corporate crap, but if there is a way I can take advantage of it, I’m going to. It works like this.

1. Register your American Express card. Just do it. They know everything you spend money on already, so why not take advantage of this little perk.
2. Buy a new tee-shirt or beanie or whatever it is you’re aching for, but spend $25 and toss a little money at one of the raddest shred and streetwear shops in the Midwest. Fuck it, they might be the raddest. PERIOD!
3. Get a $25 credit from Amex. SNAPPED! Free t-shirt or beanie or 420kit or just $25 off those killer Stussy vests.

Still corpo to fuckall, but at least you can support a good shop. So whatever I guess.
Laterzzzz.

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Posted in Akshin sports, Milwaukee Radification Project., snowboardering | 2 Comments »

AudioBlogging #3

November 17th, 2011

This week I’m going on about Snowboarding (finally), Jamil Khan, John Sommers, splittering, and buffalo wild wings.  Oh, and I have music. Get with it.

Blaudio 11-17-11 by Rumorator

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Posted in Podcast | 3 Comments »

Shradtalk Times

November 17th, 2011

Mega shrad in the news this week. So lets make sure we got it correct.

1. Putting the FIS in fisting, or Ski Down

I was pretty sure this was settle in nine-ocho when Terje was like “Olympics, yeah, I’m not doing that dude.” But then we had Ross Power doing monster amplitude methods and we all kinda looked the way. Then suddenly  it was 12 years later and Sean Blanco was claiming quad-corks and such. But the big this was that every one kinda forgot Snowboarding in the olympics was run by skiers.

Now that dark secret is back in the spotlight. The FIS has decided they know how to host slopestyle events. Nevermind the fact the a organization run by snowboarders, with experience hosting, ranking and judging contests was totally willing to work with them to make sure slopestyle wasn’t 100% worthless when it landed in the world stage. But off course the skiers said, “Fuck off.”

Now there seems to be a boycott brewing. I’m curious to see how this plays out. However it goes down, the key to remember is that skiers are dumb and you can never trust them.

2rd: Skiing up

There’s a lot of noise getting made by splitboarders right now. These dudes. Please.

Flawsyfiles is all about it. My friend Moefaniel is all about it. These dudes are telling me about getting out there, “earning turns”  and speaking all these other hippie idioms. Meanwhile all I can think is “Bru, they made chairlifts for a reason. Bru, there are no handrails in the world of splittery. Bru, you got Voiles?”

Lets go over some other reasons that make splittering ridiculous:

  • Where are the fine as bitchezzz?
  • Where is the jocko dude in a turtleneck who brings me my beers?
  • I feel like a dick just tossing all these cigarette butts all over nature. That is really an additional level of guilt I don’t need.
  • Those boards are friggin heavy.
  • It’s still half skiing.

Oh and then there is this:

Which is pretty much this:

Which is pretty much this:

Sillykins.

3th: Fuck this

I need one more person in my twitter trough to hype this thing.

Probably not so good on the uphill.

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Posted in snowboardering | 1 Comment »

Audio Blog #2

November 10th, 2011

Blaudio 2 11-11-11 by Rumorator

Big changes this week:

  • Moved out of the home office and  into the main room. Hoping for less of an echo chamber.
  • Used a Rode Podcaster mic rather than the AudioTechnica AT2020USB.
  • Mega lispy. I really need a speech therapist.
  • 12-oz Schlitz (I can’t even say that word) instead of a 16-oz.

Posted in Podcast | 4 Comments »

Profile and Front

November 9th, 2011

And then the jooks go down.

I feel I should update my Twitter bio. Currently it just says, “Probably going to kick your ass.” But given the dream I had the other night it’s probably not accurate anymore. In this dream I was walking past a crowd of OWS types, but I don’t think i was in NYC. But I could have been, because I remember seeing Shira and Jeff walking ahead of me. But I don’t know that it was them for sure. It was just that dream reassurance. Like, who else could it be?

So I keep bopping by and there was this little 10-ish year old kid trying to start a fight with me. I just kept moving, but finally gave in and started pushing him away. And he’s straight up attacking. Then a cop gets involved. I start walking away and the cop tells the kid he’s just got to kick me right in the dick. Right in the balls. Right in the nuts. Right in the jatz cracker. Then the dream ended.

So I didn’t really get beat up by a 10-year old kid in my dream, but i certainly didn’t win. Therefore, these are the options for new twitter bio:

  • Snowboarder, Biker, Copywriter, Leftist, Fuckarounder.
  • 1987 Betty Crocker Chili Cook-Off Champion. Autofellatiist.
  • The Internet
  • Not of the attic-dwelling Franks. Follow me and I’ll follow back!
  • Gold Teeth. Black Lungs. Whiskey Dick.
  • Raised by wolves. Born to die.
  • Does not shut up.
  • The zeach of life.
  • I’m in the business of getting business done.
  • Dainty.
  • I once lived in a shack with that dude everyone calls Bon Iver.

Vote early, vote often!

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Posted in A Very Special Rumorator, The Race Card | 4 Comments »

Well, we can try this

November 3rd, 2011

Blaudio 11-3-11 by Rumorator

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Posted in Madison Anti-Boredom Campaign, Podcast | 3 Comments »

El Dia De Los Muertos

November 1st, 2011

Chapter 1: WINTAR

Seriously, where is this shit? Both coasts are getting hit. First it was the Tahoesies and Cololame-os getting some, and then UMS became CMS in a wicked blast of winter weather. SHOUT OUT TO NAT V!

Where the shit is my wintar weather?

Maybe this is for the best. I still need to find some boots. Actually, I don’t even need to find boots I just need to get them or something. Salomon Fdueceduece, where you at?

On the other hand, I got the winter ride ready to go. Just need to pop on the  studded tires and fenders. But this did happen over the weekend:

I don’t even know where those GT toestraps came from. Clay Davis says “Sheeeeeeit.” Just a pile of parts, all stripped off.

But now, $100 in,  I’ve got this:

Clearly, I still need to peel off some stickers and all,  but it’s pretty much theft-deterred right now. I say that but someday I’ll come to find my radio missing and battery gone. Ahhh…not really. I’ve got indoor bike parking at home and at the office. This is just how Madison rolls. How are you not going to have indoor bike parking?

Seriously, I don’t even lock that shit up. Just lean it against the rack. It’s like Micheal Moore’s Canada up here. Plus we can carry guns now, so there’s that.

In other news I have no trivia on Tuesday nights anymore, so that has me lost. I’m lost-aez bru.

capítulo uno: papá

Twas  poppa vRs birthday on the 26th. I missed it. I’m a horrible son. So Imma let him buy me dinner tonight to make up for it.

פרק אחד

Also, it was halloween. The greatest thing I saw, apart from Murs making raps, was a panda, sans head, getting real raw with a slutty nurse on the dance floor (street, as the concert was outside). I should also note the slutty nurse was wearing the missing panda head. It was fucking amazing. I want to go back in time, take acid and watch it all over again. Of course if the  was the case I would also go back in time and stop freshman-in-college Rumorator from getting down with like 4 of the first 5 girls I got down with. Just pull him aside and let him know, “It gets better, kid. Your gonna stop wearing those Phish shirts soon, and watch what you’re drinking, you’re getting college fat.”

Dan Savage could have had an “It gets better” campaign for me regarding the women I surrounded myself with. Shudder.

I also would then say “Listen to this  album with a candle burning and you’ll see your entire future,” just before handing past-me a copy of Dr. Octagon’s The Octogonecologyst.

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Posted in Bike!, Madison Anti-Boredom Campaign, snowboardering | 1 Comment »

Your Costume Sucks

October 27th, 2011

Late nighting this jawn. But it’s important to be, you know, bloggin’.

So anyway, I stopped at Boswell Books to pick up my copy of 1Q84 and of course I had to put on a good show. So I was properly pressed, wearing a wool driving coat and a matching scarf and gloves set. Oh sure it was like 50 degrees, but i needed to make a statement. I needed to be literary. So I dashed into the bookstore and and looked around frantically (one literary point for me), saw the book and darted towards it. I picked a copy and fondled it for a bit (another literary point) and walked to the register.

The sexless glob behind the counter picked up my book and and said “This is such a great book” (1 literary point).

OH! Now who the fuck is this? Trying to out-literary-cockstrut me? THIS SHIT IS ON, MOTHERFUCKER!

“Yeah he’s a great writer (1 point), I’m so glad this book has finally been released here, in the US (bonus), I read an excerpt from it in the New Yorker (DOUBLE BONUSES!).”

Suck it counterbeast! Go back to your 20-oz Mountain Dew and your virginia ham Lunchables.

And it was just like that. I flopped it out and measured all ten inches of my literary dick. The ink sniffing, money taker was certainly defeated.

“We got one advance copy here, and I’m almost to page 700.”

WTF? Thou wuzzist not ready for that shit indeed. So picked it up my book, flopped the meat back over the barbed wire and walked out.

I lost, boys. I lost.

Double Down

I got this lady in my life. She’s pretty much the closest thing I have sister. We’ll call her Yella. So Yella’s son “The Hache” just got himself a skateboard. Dude’s on it young, 6-years old-ish.

I swear to god, if that kid ends up skating mongo he’s out of the fucking will.

Triple shot Thursday

It’s Halloween weekend and you’re probably still looking for a costume. I know I am. I’ve always wanted to go as Oscar the Grouch. Full on, with Bruno carrying my ass around in a can. Such a costume is some serious work, so I’ve never done it. That, and the logistics of peeing are mind bokkling.

Whatever, here are my suggestions for you this year.

  • Brian Wilson (San Francisco Giant)
  • Brian Wilson (Eugene Landy Puppet)
  • Girl in a poodle skirt
  • Guy in a tuxedo shirt
  • Dabney Hiscock (Early 2oth century British porn star)
  • Keyes and Hayek (Economists, companion required, and you better learn the raps)
  • Gert Mallets (Early 2oth century British queen of anal)
  • Dong Frowley (Early 2oth century British porn star, aka Come On Your Face Michael; half asian)
  • Paddy Munch (Early 2oth century British  porn star of Irish decent)
  • A canoe
  • Kate and Julia Morkan (Sisters, elderly porn tag-team queens in early 20th century Ireland. These bitches hosted some killer orgies, especially around Christmas; companion required)
  • Clive Nutts (Early 2oth century British autofellatio master)
  • Rumorator (Fatsuit, kimono, cigarettes)
  • Harold Plundercunt (Early 2oth century British bookkeeper, amateur porn director)
  • Frank London (Early 2oth century British pornstar, only did guy on guy on guy work)
  • Moai
  • Moishe Oofnik
  • Clara Analman (Early 2oth century British porn star, she once blew like 40 vicars in one hour)
  • Maneki Neko Case (Figure it out)
  • Lenehan Milkbreath (Early 2oth century British porn star, rumored to have 27 literary centimeters)

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Posted in A Very Special Rumorator, Listed, Madison Anti-Boredom Campaign | 6 Comments »

Murakami Day aka How you gonna not get down?

October 25th, 2011

I can only assume you felt it when you woke up today. Perhaps your alarm was less alarming, or the water in the shower was not as wet. But something had changed. This is what happens on Murakami day. Things are different. Things are softer. You understand that something is askew, but you move forward.

1Q84 hits books stores today. Or Kindles if you’re one of those. I hope all of you Kindle/Nook schnooks forget how amazing books are. Need proof? Dig it:

A couple of things come out of this.

One: It’s so rad to finally know how to properly pronounce Knopf. And it even radder to see that they are willing to put this kind of work into a book cover. You aint getting this in trade paperback. Fuck No. Hardcover first edition. I’m buying two and keeping one deadstock. Sneakerheads is flipping in five years when I show ‘em my collection and don’t even let ‘em open the cover on the Murakami. Trust me, the words is in there.

Two: Two moons, of course. WHY THE FUCK NOT? For real. Sure you can charm some college girl’s funderoos down to the ankles with talk about anglish, but it’s time to grow up and get real world. This is “I should have won the Nobel Prize in literature” right here. So naturally we have two moons. And I take it in stride. Fuck it, it’s real life.

Whoa, I’m kind of exhausted and have half-wood after that.

I should also note, you need to be supporting your local bookstores on something like this. I will be picking up my copies of 1Q84 at Boswell Books in Milwaukee, mostly because Madison doesn’t have shit for local bookstores downtown. Tons of used book stores and a feminist bookstore, but nothing that just sells books. Niche marketing to the maxxx.

Not even an anarchist bookstore, who cooks for you, who cooks for you?

Los Dedos Doblar

You guys wanna go traTIMEveling?
Cool, then lets take it back to ’98 for a minute. You remember that year? Dub Brand Outerwear jackets? With that hood that rolled into the collar and like 500 branding hits all over them? Backyard snowboarding? Damn those days were the shits.

Seriously what year is this?

Arnette is rolling up again. And they got Del at the helm. Shit, my high school self is going wild on the inside. Next up, I’m gonna try and charm my way into some girls pants by talking about raps and snowboards and books (protip: this never works it. It never has. It never will. Just get some vodka instead).

In reality those is some good looking specs. I should try to score up some of those. I wonder if they fit cabezas gigantes?

Here’s more of a run down.

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Posted in Flashion, Madison Anti-Boredom Campaign, snowboardering | 2 Comments »

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