By now, I am sure everyone has heard the sad, sad news that Hostess, (the company that puts forth such awesomeness that is Ding-Dongs, Ho-Hos, Donettes, Cup Cakes and without question their most popular item, Twinkies and the not so awesomeness that is Wonder Bread), is shutting it’s doors. Oh, you haven’t heard, well, Hostess is shutting it’s doors. Sorry for harshing your vibe, bro.
Many have guessed that they are doing so as a result of Obamacare, or kids starting to realize that they rather eat a salad instead of a Suzy Q. Not so. They are a victim of a union-lead workers strike, which hasn’t been resolved and as a result, Hostess had to shut down the studio.
Legal communism was Twinkies’ downfall. Not diabeetus, nor a nuclear apocalypse. I am not one for crazy claims, but maybe, just maybe, the Mayans were right. If so, I’m maxing out my credit cards and saying “fuck it” to paying them off. What’s the point?
I’d be liar if I said I didn’t indulge in some of their tasty treats, Honey Buns being one of my favorite items they offered. I’d also be a liar if I said I hadn’t thought about going out and pillaging any and all Hostess snacks remaining at the local stores with the remainder of my baller-ass funemployment money, and selling that shit at a premium on the internets. I really would…but I am too afraid of being murdered via Craigslist, and one too many deposed kings of Nigeria have burned me in the past. That, and I simply don’t have any room for that shit at the apartment. Shelves need to be stocked to the rafters with mac-n-cheese, Skittles, Cholula flavored beef jerky, salt & vinegar chips, Dr. Pepper and wet wipes at all times. AT ALL TIMES! Especially in times of crisis like now.
Aside from the 18,000 or so jobs that are now lost in this whole fiasco, the workers’ and their families, Hostess clearly didn’t think about the stoners in this country. Besides mothers of overweight children on their way to juvenile diabeetus, who else supported them, huh? Stoners. That’s who. Can’t tell you how many times I opted for Cup Cakes or Donettes to accompany my Coca-Cola Slurpee while baked out of my mind at 7-Eleven. In what’s possibly the cruelest twist of all; ColoRADo legalizes marijuana followed swiftly by the demise of Hostess. If that’s not irony, I don’t know what is. Sure now they’ll be able to pick up herb just about anywhere, but they’ll be forced to seek out seedy characters, in dark, grimy back alleys so they could buy a case of Fruit Pies out of the back of a sketchy van, from a dude wearing a leather jacket and an eye patch. How many dicks are going to be sucked for a sugary fix, huh?
Also, I certainly am not looking forward to next year’s fair season. If there’s any one thing I love more than a good book not to read, it’s eating like a fucking ‘Merican at the fair. How much are deep fried Twinkies going to set me back now? That is if they even have them! With what’s sure to be an extremely limited supply, I can just see the prices of them now, “1 for $100, 2 for $150″. They’re gonna be the deep fried caviar of the fair. Well…until someone actually figures out a way to deep fry caviar, I guess.
In my mind, I envision tubby children and adults, some one-footed casualties of the diabeetus, staging wild and violent protests outside the Hostess factory gates. Much like the ones seen at Benghazi, but with the demonstrations slowing to a halt due to protesters becoming winded much, much sooner. But in reality, I’m certain they just said “fuck it”, and switched allegiance to Little Debbie Snacks, just like that. Indifferent to the fact that Little Debbie’s is to Hostess as Betamax is to VHS. Similar, but not the same, and only douchers think otherwise.
Today is fat kid 9/11. NEVER FORGET.