Maybe you all missed it whilst you were at home with one leg up on your couch trying to push your peep up your butt, but the Olympics started. In reality you haven’t missed much. Some toned down luge event. I think Christine Brennan talked to IOC into reducing the track because the lugers were going to fast. So everyone is puttering through that event. Apollo Ono still has his soul patch, and Lindsey Vonn still has a sore leg as well as a crap showing in Sports Illustrated. Bob Costas hasn’t aged in 73 years an I’ve been told he gained eternal youth by eating Dick Clark. It was also reported that one quarter of all the condoms used in the Olympic Village are used by Costas.

But there are some rad events going on too. Curling. So fucking legit. Biathlon. If all skiing was as rad as the biathlon I wouldn’t even shrad. But really the closest I have ever come was getting stoned one night at The Crystal Falcon’s house and playing Duck Hunt while standing on the Nordictrack. 

Of course the old halfpike events are coming up. It’s funny because last night my homey the_boss_of_you was claiming on chinese state television the Chinese are winning all the medals. I got a feeling that kind of ”media augmentation” will happen in the USA if Sean Blanco doesn’t win in the tube. But rightfully so, if the kid tosses down the CulebraBlanca  he’s going to be tough to beat.

But in the interest of making the Old-Limp-dicks a bit more entertaining I’m tossing up these suggestions from Brother Keith as he embarked on his journey to become the head of the IOC last night.

11 Ways to Make the Winter Olympics More Interesting

• Install a stripper pole at center ice for all figure skating events.
• Give all biathlon athletes snow camo and paintball (or BB) guns and make it a last man standing event.
• All downhill ski racers have to fashion their own skis out of provided lumber and tools in 24 hours.
• The luge will take place on plastic Coleco brand sleds and have jumps made out of hay bales.
• Introduce same sex couples figure skating.
• Ban nude colored spandex from figure skating uniforms.
• Leave hockey just as it is.
• Combine figure skating and curling into one super event where a skater gets tossed and dudes sweep her into a circle target.
• Replace Bob Costas with @iamsalmasakela.
• Incorporate a pow turn / method contest into snowboarding.
• Add a full loop and maybe a corkscrew to the luge.

Also if you couldn’t decide what to get me for Valentine’s day, it’s not too late to grab this from my Celbrity friend