Posts Tagged ‘canadians’

Immigrant Status

Tuesday, December 14th, 2010

Broder vR arrived back on US soil last night. The dude flew in on Delta and it seems this is how the Delts treat your baggage.

It was like an all you could take baggage buffet. A Deal or No Deal on wheels scene. Naturally I grabbed that Cabela’s duffel, but unfortunately there was not one pair of waders or a buck call to to be had. Instead I got stuck with a bag full of heavy socks and Carhartt pants. And Fucking Howie Mandel wasn’t even there to fist bump me with his germaphobe baldness.

In proper style, Broder vR was strictly carry-on an we were out almost before we were in. His Torontario wisdom was running deep too. Telling stories about how in Canada they only have 6 day weeks and how supposedly Torontario is warmer than the Wisco. PSSHT. Whatever Broder. It’s called the great white north for a reason.

I feel I should lay it down for you, before we spread anymore of these Un-’merican half truths.

Facts I know about Canada:

  • Winter, 24-6, 365
  • Polar Bears
  • They can see Sarah Palin from their porches
  • The Maple Leafs are not the Torontario Maple Leaves
  • Dustin Craven
  • The plural of Canada Goose is not Canadian Geese
  • H. s. sapiens
  • Canada won the the 1976 Summer and the 1988 Winter Olympics
  • Health Care? Yep. Freedom? Nope.
  • Canada

    once slept with your girlfriend/boyfriend at a house party

  • Nat Zurek
  • They play weird football

I can only hope his time back in America can correct his mind. Enough of this healthcare crap. Enough of these trains. Blame Mexico.

A Snowboarders Guide to Halloween

Wednesday, October 27th, 2010

The other day I tossed out a grip of ideas for smart people to use as Halloween costumes/lifestyle choices. Then Yobeat tells me “We’re going to crush your Halloween list.” And then they do it up with photos. Better? Sure but their concepts were hack. For example, this was supposed to be an Astronaut:

I think we all know a Transformer when we see one.

So I decided I really need to explain to Yobeat how it gets done. Follow along with me, and don’t forget to turn the page when you hear the chime.

7 BETTER-than-YOBEAT’s Costume Ideas for snowboarders.

  • A FreeSkier: Get yourself a 10x polo and layer it with your 2Pac shirts. You know what I’m talking about. Those 2Pac Shirts you were running hard a
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    couple years ago. When you were telling me about MFM being both an amazing snowboarder and a true businessman. Yeah those.

  • A Bank Robber: Pretty much everyone is producing some kind of facemask these days, so this is pretty easy. But if you’re in North American I gotta suggest you use the Bataleon facemask because no one really has a clue about that company on this side of the pond.
  • A World Champion: Take your shirt off, and walk around talking about how amazing you are. NEVER be seen with a snowboard.
  • Bozung: Face tats. Do it.
  • A Canadian: Canadians are almost exactly like USAers except their healthcare system has replaced their knees with high-tech nylon that allows them to go nonstop. This costume can be a little harder as you have to find opportunities to drop the words “Looney”, “Eh” and “Michalchuk”
  • Donny Diamond: Again, another easy one. Canvas shoes, black denims, white v-necks and cigarettes. This also might be the most comfortable option. The downfall here is that everyone is going be confused because you don’t look even the slightest bit like Screech.
  • A Sexy Snowboarder: Yeah right.

The sequal:

And then there was this, which is still awesome:

Thanks to Co-Host for that one

Toronatrio-contact

Thursday, September 16th, 2010

Once again social media proves itself to be The Tower of Babel, The Fountain of Youth, and Finnegan’s Wake all rolled into 42. This was delivered to me today via twitters.

It makes Torontario seem like a decent place.

A bit of back story here: Broder vR has been laying low in Torontario. To hide his identity, he’s changed his name to Wu. I’ve heard he’s like a Charlie Chan figure up there. Especially when he drops wisdom like “They say Obama’s a socialist, but somehow all I got is jack shit and student loans.”

Anyway TheyCallMeVice, which may be one of the most heated twitter names ever, says I am to come visit.
I say not unless they have snow or mountains or beaches where I can sit and drink out of coconuts.

She says she’s They drink out of whatever. Still encouraging my visit.
She obviously doesn’t know what kind of disappointment she’s asking for. I’m like the Pit of Carkoon but with let downs, rather than pain and suffering.

But I’d like to go. I’ve heard they have a plaque in the middle of the city that reads, “We are a humble people.” It’s just a small plaque, obviously. You may have never noticed it, and that’s okay, it just remains there, guiding the Canadanesian lifestyle.

Still they like to drink out of whatever. These seem like my kind of people. That said I’ve compiled a list of things I would drink out of if I were to got to Torontario:

  • A water fountain at the CN tower.
  • Sydney Crosby’s glove.
  • A cup that I took from a stranger’s house, because Michael Moore says they don’t lock their doors.
  • The throat of a virgin whilst at some sort of black mass.
  • A Labatt Blue bottle half-full of warm piss.
  • Something something The Weakerthans
  • Right outta the faucet. SAVAGE!
  • The Great Canadian River.
  • WHOA
  • A fucking polar bear skull

You know this is legit.

MM Food

Thursday, November 5th, 2009

About a week and a half ago I took this pic:

For those of you who don’t know, that’s the French Keef. Montreal Poutine flipped with a sausage gravy to give it that extra Wisconsin love. I tried to send it many main Kiwi in Montreal, A. Love, but here’s where it turns into a TV sitcom: I sent it to the wrong email. I shredded the gnar when i should have slashed the pow.

 Within moments i’ve got a reply email saying email recipient has no clue who i am, but that dish looks disgusting and delicious at the same time.

 So using my amazing prejudging skills I decide Mr. GAusten of somewhere outside Toronto is an alright dood. The game was on over the next seven days I bombed the shit out of his inbox. And i’ve got to say the dude is quick. I woud hang out with him.  Here’s a sample of my diet and the Images GAusten received:

 It has begun!

 

I got to admit, GAusten was a good sport about this, He often commented on the food and the fingers of the people involved.

 Thanks for playing along.