I spent some time over the Holiday at the home of the Packaging King of Wisconsin. Good times, good food, poor selections of mags to read. I mean I’m well aware of the PKoW’s generally right-leaning politics, so I was not at all surprised to be stuck reading US News and World Report. But what blew my mind was the general crap of the magazine, AND more importantly is the quality of advertising. This rag is pretty much the print equivalent of AM radio.

Check out this beast:

You’re going to want to click that image, just to get the full size pic and see it in all of it’s glory.

Let’s go over what went wrong here. First off way too much copy. I’ve already established that this ad was in US News, so i think one thing that is safe to assume is that these people aren’t really into a lot of words. Next we have that headline “Scientifically and Mechanically engineered for pain relief. guaranteed.”

Ignore for a second the utter garbage of the headline. Can’t we assume the mechanical engineering includes scientific engineering. Because until they have shoes that can Jurassic Park shit up with some Dino DNA, I’m not giving a fuck about the scientific part. Really what this should say is “Buicks for your feet.”  You got to speak the language your audience knows.

Next, Body Copy point #1. “Will G-defy be banned from athletic competition?” –Fuck you. No one buying shoes made for fat US News readers is concerned about athletic competitions. And their amazing response “Should they be considered an unfair advantage? We don’t know; all we can tell you is that this new technology in footwear will take your performance to the next level.” Which is similar to asking “Will Rumorator be the best lover I’ve ever had?” and Me supplying the response, “I don’t know; but I can tell you that there will be a penis going to a mouth/anus/vagina in a way that will make you reconsider sex from that point forward.”

Also G-Defy’s logo seems to be a sperm. Maybe there is Dino DNA in there.

All this reminds me of the Ad in the latest GQ:

It’s nice to see that Skechers cleaned up their ad. Still I’m wondering if the GQ crowd is really going to be thinking “I need those!”. But then I was at a holiday party when I noticed Mama Law was wearing some of these damn things. It’s clear to me know that she has completely given up. It’s no wonder she’s single. These things are driving away the opposite sex faster than Earth Shoes.

Plus the name of the shoe is “Shape-Ups” which definitely falls into the “blatant lie” category. It’s like buying premium vodka or fancy cut green beans in a can. If the name of the product makes a claim like that you are getting hosed. IF YOU HAVE TO CLAIM IT, IT’S NOT TRUE.  In fact it’s probably the opposite. It’s the reason behind why so many women buy hobo-style hand bags and I’m about 100% likely to be with a girl wearing the “Hi my name is YouWon’tRegretThis” nametag.

Research shows 80% percent of the people rocking these things dropped this bit of knowledge on themselves last week, “Well I don’t really need to get any exercise today because I have my new Shape-ups on, in fact, I’m going to have another Angry Whopper. I deserve it.”

Get in shape without setting foot in a gym. Fuck I should be ripped right now.

In other news I copped some new stories to be reading: