Posts Tagged ‘hackwork’

Voter Depression. Or, Sheep!

Wednesday, September 14th, 2011

Hey it’s that time of year. Time to squawk the vote. I‘m not talking about politics, this is not nearly as important. But just like politics, and Dancing With the Stars, it doesn’t really matter how you vote, the lame-os tend to win and your shit gets fucked anyway.

So with that, you should probably get over to the Shepherd Express and vote for the best of Milwaukee.

Start your voting off with:

C’mon. Fucking For Real? Best place to pick up your shit rag print medium. I guarantee every one voting for this category picks the BP station on Bluemound in Brookfield. Lame-ass suburbanites. They pick up the old ShepEx to see what people in the city are doing, and to feel edgy. CAN YOU BELIEVE THEY HAVE A COMIC CALLED “LIFE IN HELL.” WE CALL IT “LIFE IN HECK” IN MY HOUSE. The only people who even pick up this paper in the city are those looking to do a crossword puzzle while they opt to get truckhoused alone at Red Dot. I know this.

Whatever establishment wins this category, I will drop by that joint every week and piss all over their stacks of shepex papers.

It’s like the USA Today and Legends of Rock magazine had a child on a local level.

Lets move on:

What funny is 4 seasons is a skateboard park. For skateboardering, and I guess theoretically, rollerblading with your mom. The rest of those going are for ice skating. Genius. Shitbags.

Keep it going

Menswear

My boys at MODA3, have got some stiff competition: JCPenny, Jos A. Banks, Urban Outfitters. This is great list as I’ve been looking for some new Union Bay jean shorts. I’m also pretty well surprised Kohl’s isn’t on the list. That’s where 90% of this city goes to get their khakis for casual Fridays or weddings, depending on your place in the caste.

Don’t stop

A Master’s in Geography

You do realize UW-Madison and Northwestern are not in Milwaukee. And Kaplan and University of Phoenix are not real schools, right? And Carroll College is in republican Waukesha so that’s not really an option. Which leaves

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you with 4 of the original nine. Granted they are 4 legit schools, it doesn’t make it okay for the ShepEx to pump out hackwork.

Services Rendered

This pages is the best. I hope the ShepEx has soft hands for all the dick rubbing they are doing with these categories.

Honestly no one, NO ONE, has a favorite internet provider, cell phone provider, or lawyer. What people have is the one they are stuck with. They have they got hooked up with when they were 19 and living outta the dorms for the first time, or when the one with the coolest phone at the time their last contract was up, or they had to call when the police wanted to search their house because they had a basement of weed. But all are willing to take your money. At least the lawyer provides some sort of legit service.

I think it’s pretty clear who pays the bills at the ShepEx.

DOS

Here’s a little something brighten your day:

The Freshestness

Thursday, November 18th, 2010

I think I’ve made one thing abundantly clear during my time on earth—I am here to help make you the freshest You you can be. Whether you’re strutting down the street or gnarlying in powder, certain brands just exude style. Then of course there are brands that seem to spray people with shitpissery as well.

Enter my new favorite yeah-right brand Jesus Juice Coature.

I don’t even know where to start with this. Actually I do—

  • Strike One: Jesus
  • Strike Two: Juice Coature. I don’t know if this is some lame derivative of Juicy Couture. But it’s too suggestive. And I’m pretty sure Juicy Couture has run it’s course now that Buffy the Vampire Slayer is now popping out kids. Then again, it does make me long for a company called Vaurnay or Body Globe. But we’re not done here, these dudes also spun off “couture” to get “coature.” That is weak. That essentially puts you on the same level as Shooze and Jeanetic Material.
  • Strike 3:

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    this season. I also love the “designed with ….in mind.” Just because I take a shower with Audrey Plaza in mind doesn’t mean I’m arm candy to the famous and funny.

  • Strike 4: Because this company is blobviously playing playing 2nd grade rules where you swing until you get a hit. We might be here awhile.
  • Strike 5: C’mon doods, in fashion there are like 2 fonts that are off limits. That “C” and papyrus.

To be completely open about this, I’d only learned of this company a few days ago when Lorenius made this shit magically appear on my phone:

The sign means they’re official.

I can’t wait for this shit to drop at Flow.