Posts Tagged ‘Halloween’

El Dia De Los Muertos

Tuesday, November 1st, 2011

Chapter 1: WINTAR

Seriously, where is this shit? Both coasts are getting hit. First it was the Tahoesies and Cololame-os getting some, and then UMS became CMS in a wicked blast of winter weather. SHOUT OUT TO NAT V!

Where the shit is my wintar weather?

Maybe this is for the best. I still need to find some boots. Actually, I don’t even need to find boots I just need to get them or something. Salomon Fdueceduece, where you at?

On the other hand, I got the winter ride ready to go. Just need to pop on the  studded tires and fenders. But this did happen over the weekend:

I don’t even know where those GT toestraps came from. Clay Davis says “Sheeeeeeit.” Just a pile of parts, all stripped off.

But now, $100 in,  I’ve got this:

Clearly, I still need to peel off some stickers and all,  but it’s pretty much theft-deterred right now. I say that but someday I’ll come to find my radio missing and battery gone. Ahhh…not really. I’ve got indoor bike parking at home and at the office. This is just how Madison rolls. How are you not going to have indoor bike parking?

Seriously, I don’t even lock that shit up. Just lean it against the rack. It’s like Micheal Moore’s Canada up here. Plus we can carry guns now, so there’s that.

In other news I have no trivia on Tuesday nights anymore, so that has me lost. I’m lost-aez bru.

capítulo uno: papá

Twas  poppa vRs birthday on the 26th. I missed it. I’m a horrible son. So Imma let him buy me dinner tonight to make up for it.

פרק אחד

Also, it was halloween. The greatest thing I saw, apart from Murs making raps, was a panda, sans head, getting real raw with a slutty nurse on the dance floor (street, as the concert was outside). I should also note the slutty nurse was wearing the missing panda head. It was fucking amazing. I want to go back in time, take acid and watch it all over again. Of course if the  was the case I would also go back in time and stop freshman-in-college Rumorator from getting down with like 4 of the first 5 girls I got down with. Just pull him aside and let him know, “It gets better, kid. Your gonna stop wearing those Phish shirts soon, and watch what you’re drinking, you’re getting college fat.”

Dan Savage could have had an “It gets better” campaign for me regarding the women I surrounded myself with. Shudder.

I also would then say “Listen to this  album with a candle burning and you’ll see your entire future,” just before handing past-me a copy of Dr. Octagon’s The Octogonecologyst.

Tags: , , , , , ,
Posted in Bike!, Madison Anti-Boredom Campaign, snowboardering | 1 Comment »

Your Costume Sucks

Thursday, October 27th, 2011

Late nighting this jawn. But it’s important to be, you know, bloggin’.

So anyway, I stopped at Boswell Books to pick up my copy of 1Q84 and of course I had to put on a good show. So I was properly pressed, wearing a wool driving coat and a matching scarf and gloves set. Oh sure it was like 50 degrees, but i needed to make a statement. I needed to be literary. So I dashed into the bookstore and and looked around frantically (one literary point for me), saw the book and darted towards it. I picked a copy and fondled it for a bit (another literary point) and walked to the register.

The sexless glob behind the counter picked up my book and and said “This is such a great book” (1 literary point).

OH! Now who the fuck is this? Trying to out-literary-cockstrut me? THIS SHIT IS ON, MOTHERFUCKER!

“Yeah he’s a great writer (1 point), I’m so glad this book has finally been released here, in the US (bonus), I read an excerpt from it in the New Yorker (DOUBLE BONUSES!).”

Suck it counterbeast! Go back to your 20-oz Mountain Dew and your virginia ham Lunchables.

And it was just like that. I flopped it out and measured all ten inches of my literary dick. The ink sniffing, money taker was certainly defeated.

“We got one advance copy here, and I’m almost to page 700.”

WTF? Thou wuzzist not ready for that shit indeed. So picked it up my book, flopped the meat back over the barbed wire and walked out.

I lost, boys. I lost.

Double Down

I got this lady in my life. She’s pretty much the closest thing I have sister. We’ll call her Yella. So Yella’s son “The Hache” just got himself a skateboard. Dude’s on it young, 6-years old-ish.

I swear to god, if that kid ends up skating mongo he’s out of the fucking will.

Triple shot Thursday

It’s Halloween weekend and you’re probably still looking for a costume. I know I am. I’ve always wanted to go as Oscar the Grouch. Full on, with Bruno carrying my ass around in a can. Such a costume is some serious work, so I’ve never done it. That, and the logistics of peeing are mind bokkling.

Whatever, here are my suggestions for you this year.

  • Brian Wilson (San Francisco Giant)
  • Brian Wilson (Eugene Landy Puppet)
  • Girl in a poodle skirt
  • Guy in a tuxedo shirt
  • Dabney Hiscock (Early 2oth century British porn star)
  • Keyes and Hayek (Economists, companion required, and you better learn the raps)
  • Gert Mallets (Early 2oth century British queen of anal)
  • Dong Frowley (Early 2oth century British porn star, aka Come On Your Face Michael; half asian)
  • Paddy Munch (Early 2oth century British  porn star of Irish decent)
  • A canoe
  • Kate and Julia Morkan (Sisters, elderly porn tag-team queens in early 20th century Ireland. These bitches hosted some killer orgies, especially around Christmas; companion required)
  • Clive Nutts (Early 2oth century British autofellatio master)
  • Rumorator (Fatsuit, kimono, cigarettes)
  • Harold Plundercunt (Early 2oth century British bookkeeper, amateur porn director)
  • Frank London (Early 2oth century British pornstar, only did guy on guy on guy work)
  • Moai
  • Moishe Oofnik
  • Clara Analman (Early 2oth century British porn star, she once blew like 40 vicars in one hour)
  • Maneki Neko Case (Figure it out)
  • Lenehan Milkbreath (Early 2oth century British porn star, rumored to have 27 literary centimeters)

Tags: , , ,
Posted in A Very Special Rumorator, Listed, Madison Anti-Boredom Campaign | 6 Comments »

Even More Snowboarding Halloween Costumes

Friday, October 29th, 2010

Halloween is almost here, and you still need a costume. Well don’t worry, because I’m not done flogging this Halloween costume horse just yet. I’m gonna get esoteric right here and help you blow minds. For a rad-ass costume you need to go strait for personification. So I’m just gonna toss this out for the shrad nerds.

The US Olympic Community: Get an old man wig, don’t forget the whiteface and walk around feebly. When you’re about to collapse, use a snowboard to prop yourself up.

Burton Snowboard Company: This is a two-person costume and it’ll work a lot better if your sidekick is smaller, but way more badass than you. You’re going to want to be wearing a hoodie for credibility, but make sure you’re wearing Louis Vuitton underneath. Be sure to tell people you invented modern Halloween and that winged highbacks are the way of the future. Your smaller, more badass friend—he’s going to be Forum.

Salomon Snowboards: You’re going to go out, have a good crew with you, and everyone is going to be comfortable. Halloween is going to be a blast for you. Nonetheless, people are going to cringe when you pay for your drinks with your parent’s credit card.

Tech Nine: For this one you need to smoke a bit, and then end up staying home to watch Tales From the Hood.

Gnu/Lib Tech: Get your Lumberjack gear on. You’re going to drink only Miller Lite in the Vortex Bottle®, and you’re not going to let anyone forget it. You’ve really got to enjoy explaining gimmicky technology to pull off this costume. Also, be sure to keep reminding people how close you are to Canada (Only 397 miles from Milwaukee).

Holden Outerwear: Stand outside the bar and smoke cigs. Be sure to bring your own beers and share them with your girlfriend who may or may not be legal.

K2: Another two-person costume. For this one you’re going to have to be the money manager. When you and all your friends get the tab, you’re going to be the one to collect it all and pay. Of course you’re going to skim off all the tips and give them to the other person in the costume with you. Don’t worry, this other person will be easy to find—they’ll be the one in skiing gear, standing behind you, with their arm up your ass, running you like a puppet. With their other hand they will be holding a fly fishing rod and a coffee maker.

Under Armour: You’re going out ready to party. You’ve got a paycheck in your pocket and your drinking gloves on. Still you can’t figure out why you’re standing in the corner and no one will talk to you except frat boys.

Rome: You’ll get to the party fashionably late, and you’ll keep it going for the real Halloween ragers. You brought a couple of spare bottles, and you happy to share. You’re just going to have to run out and grab them from the trunk of your Mercedes. Yeah it’s your car. You’re kind of embarrassed by it, but it’s what you grew up with. What are you going to do? Give it back? People just don’t know how hard it is following in your father’s footsteps.

Tags:
Posted in snowboardering | 1 Comment »

A Halloween That Isn’t for the Simple Folk

Monday, October 25th, 2010

I trust you realize that right now you have less than one week to get your Halloween costume together. Maybe you were thinking about getting a new tattoo and just going as a crapsuck Hipster, or your digging out your gear a little early to go as a snowboarder, or you’re gonna go as a Lady Gaga. If you are, let me be the first to tell you that’s hackory. And unless you’re dressing up as 12th president of the Uniterd States, Hackory Taylor, you do not want Halloween hackmode.

I’m going to also assume you, as a reader of this blog, are a touch more educated than the average post-college drunkard that’s running about on All Hallow’s Eve. So you’re going to need a wicked smaht costume. One that will cause people to walk up to you and ask, “What are you supposed to be?” Of course, your response will start with “I’m obviously…” then scoff at the asker.

Trust me, you want this advice. No one remembers the slutty nurse or the 27th Osama Bin Laden. You need to get your shit together for one of these costumes.

11 Halloween Costumes for Smart People
Guaranteed to Boost Pretension.

  • The Stig
  • Noam Chomsky
  • Captain Communism aka The Red Menace aka The Red Scare aka Aunt Flow
  • Leopold Bloom
  • John Maynard Keynes and F.A. Hayek (Bring a friend and have them go as Keynes. That way they’ll have to buy all the drinks, especially on a night like Halloween. Trust me on that one.)
  • A Canopic Jar
  • Charles Barkley
  • Ambulance-Driving Hemingway (anything post war Hemingway is oh-oh-over)
  • A tumor
  • Stephen Malkmus of Pavement
  • The Middle Class (this is just a zombie costume, but that’s what makes it really funny)

Don’t forget to have a “Just so-so” evening.

Tags: , ,
Posted in Milwaukee Radification Project. | 6 Comments »