Posts Tagged ‘Jake Blauvelt’

2012-69: Slowly Slipping Into Winter

Monday, October 1st, 2012

Believe me when I tell you this: Winter is coming.

There may again be a severe lack of snow that translates into failed crops all across the country for another year, but winter is coming. I know this because all the snowboardering websites are relaunching and reminding me to toss away money like there’s AIDS on it (easy there judgers, that’s an MF Doom reference so it’s pretty much untouchable).

But it’s not enough to tell me I need approximately six new snowboards, 17 jackets and a handful of new goggles (Notice how I didn’t say boots? Fuck it, only one of those things is blood soaked, so the Ambush still have a few good years left in them). Apparently there is other shit I’m supposed to be being buying as well. Most noticeably “after riding shoes.”

Turns out those beat down dunks, that my feet can slide in and out of without effort, aren’t good enough anymore. MFers what me to actually buy shoes to wear when I get done. Like I don’t just wear my boots into the bar.

Who am I trying to impress? Some ski racer moms? Dudes in turtlenecks?

I thought that is why they put bars at ski areas—so you have friends to look ridiculous with, after you’ve taken your third run of the day. Everyone looks like foolz so it’s all okay.

But it seems I supposed to be wearing these special after riding shoes. And they have names like The Off Mountain Series or the Adidas Blauvelt.

I took this image direct from Snowboarder mag dot com. They even awarded the AdiJBs “Gear of The Day”, which I assume means it was delivered first and came with a promise to buy ad space, of which there is plenty. That’s probably a plus as 40 percent of the sales are going to dudes stoked on confusion as they think thank they’re getting Jesse Burtner’s signature shoe.

The good thing about the AdiJBs is they look like actual hikery boots, so you can feel rugged to fuckall when figuring out that they look like shit with everything you own. Plus, they come in various colors. Too bad they don’t come in other styles.

Nike’s in the game as well:

I stole that pic from MODA3’s instergramps© feed. Check that shit out. Brought to you by the people who brought you Nike Snowboarding brought to you by the people who brought you Nike Skateboarding brought to you by the people who brought you Nike Soccer brought to you by the people who brought you Nike Bike brought to you by the people who brought you Nike Hockey brought to you by the people who brought you Nike Golf brought to you by the people who brought you Nike High School Wrestling brought to you by the people who brought you MegaJocks

Fuck it at least they’re paying Gigi, Nico and Hadar (Call me girl. You got my number, right?)

But you know who was on this tip 20 years ago? Airwalk. Aftaboots. I wasn’t anywhere near old enough to open my throat and slug back 5 bloody marys and ¾ pack of smokes and I knew after riding gear was goofy then too.

Contradicting myself: You wanna know who did it best? Gravis, with the Cue. Bring that shit back and I’ll buy a lifetime supply.

Lets step away from the shred world for a minute.

This exists:

FUCK NO.
Here’s a great gift: 4000 calories, rotten teeth and at least a week’s worth of questioning your sexuality. On the candy front I think this would be perfect for WhyB, but I’m not here to talk about  the candy. Let’s talk about the marketing. Sure, there was the one dick joke in the ad, but we’re better than that. Let’s get beyond the euphemisms and market this thing for the purpose it was intended.

I don’t claim to be a marketing genius. In fact, as of late I’m nothing more than a cut-rate editor. SUCK IT CLIENTS. But I can tell you there is no need for a youtube video here. Just run this image:

Tagline: Rots teeth, morals.

Then simply set it up with a webcam page.
It will sell.

Lumpy Bonus Roll

The State of Snowboarding episode 17

Tuesday, April 26th, 2011

Around here the snow is long gone and all I’ve been smelling for the past few days is bike grease and mud. Seasons change, deal with it. I’ve got to figure out a way to lock Bloggie (Bey, buddy!) on the handle bars and take him for a few spins this year.

But before we get ahead of ourselves we should hit on some things:

First off, The Dirty Jerz just passed a law requiring kids under the age of 18 to wear helmets while snowboarding. I’m down for this. Snowboarding in NJ is hard, not difficult, but like concrete hard. It’s like Wisconsin but with more people out there riding. So you combine a greater number of people on the slopes with icy-as-balls hills and your going to end up with some brains rattling. So this should help. They won’t prevent every injury, but they will prevent a few. And in the case of head injuries this is a good thing. I also like that it’s for minors, once your over 18, do what you want. It’s like motorcyclism.

However, I would like to see a decent and affordable helmet program established. Snowboarding is expensive, and the last thing we need is to too keep people out because they can’t afford the $80 (or way more) piece of equipment that is required by law. This isn’t the leash law thing where you take the shoe lace out of your Vans, tie it around you ankle and show the liftie you have  a leash. This is a serious piece of equipment with significant price.

Perhaps there needs to be a decent helmet rental program with that will actually show kids the proper way to wear a helmet. Nothing is worse that seeing some kid with an ill-fitting helmet and no skills, heading mach 5,straight for some other kid wearing an ill-fitter, who’s sitting down, eating snow, thinking about legos.

Helmets on concrete snow can be good, but we need to teach kids to use them and they need to be affordable. We should also explain to them that the more flair your helmet has the more it probably sucks. Also tell them Shaun White ruined snowboarding.

Also note: Super Republican governor adding more regulations. How does that work?

DOS:

Hey, what’s up Dale!

Dale Rehberg talks about No More Signature ProModels from BuoLoco on Vimeo.

I don’t really have a clue what Buoloco asked him, but I like that he just calls it as he sees it. The pro-model game has been dead for a few years. Want proof? When was the last time you saw a Jeremy Jones (Momo JJ, not Deeper Jeremy Jones) promodel in the wild? It was probably a Forum.

The ironic thing is, I’ve always regretted not owning this line up of ride promodels:

I mean except for Circe’s. I was always more of a Jennie Waara fan.

Also, I took that picture directly from Jake Blauvelt’s blog.