Yesterday morning I woke up and left myself this message:

We’re ambulance drivers, but also landscapers.

Believe me, when I wrote that I knew it was a gold mine.

I spent the rest of yesterday trying to figure out exactly what this was about. Nothing dawned on me until late last night (as I was continuing my Scrabble slump). I figured I should probably be making some civil-service drama about this. Can you imagine the heat such a show would spray? I would call it Gardener and Gardener, EMTs ©.  The pilot episode will probably deal with Gardener and Gardener working on a golf course when a golfer has a heart attack. Time is running out. Can they get to their ambulance in time?

D-R-A-M-A

I would also make Gardener and Gardener a brother and sister team. But half-way through the season we find out that one of them is adopted so this weird sexual tension runs throughout the series.

Right now you’re probably thinking that sounds like hackwork. Right. Well, dwell on this. I was being fed grapes and decided to tune in Lost last night. Regretfully, I saw the end of Dancing With the Stars. Louie Vito has apparently been voted off. And last night they were in the process of kicking off Buzz Aldrin. The father of hackory. BUZZ ALDRIN. The dude fake walked on the fake moon in a soundstage in California. After he heard the news that he was getting the boot he said, “I never thought I would walk on the moon, and I certainly never thought I would dance on TV.”

C’mon Buzz. You know your foxtrot was easier than wearing that “spacesuit.” Oh, and you never really made it to the moon. Seriously, ask my good friend Mofaniel about it. So lets break it down here Buzz:

• Part 1: I never thought I would walk on the Moon… You didn’t. Points awarded:  Zero(0)
• Part 2: …and I certainly never thought I would dance on TV. Of course you didn’t. It’s like me saying, “Well I certainly never thought I would be pitching a show about landscaping EMTs.” It’s absurd, like a dancing show. Plus, back when your thoughts worked, Buzz, they didn’t have TV or dancing. Points awarded: Zero(0)

Official count: 0+0=WTF?

Have you dwelt? Good.

But back to my show. Just in case Gardener and Gardener, EMTs doesn’t get picked up, I also have these concepts I’ve been meaning to pitch:

• Jay Leno Uncensored: It would all just be the same jokes except he could say black/latino/gay/jewish instead of “these people.” the first guest could be Michelle Obama and he could ask if he should add the degrading vocal inflection to  “Black” or “Woman.”
• Stunned!: This would be on E! and it’s just a clip compilation of folks still claiming “stunnah shades.”
• Sandra Bullock vs. Travis Barker: Death Match: Right?
• Hit-N-Run: Featuring a White Rav-4 with Wisconsin plates 629-NSS. I saw you back into my car and drive away.
• You Think I Can Make It?: Contestants jump from boulder to boulder on mountains, rocky sea shores, etc. No harnesses, just amazingness.

Lets get Mtv off the Air, I deserve my own channel.