Posts Tagged ‘Jocks’

Long Overdue

Monday, March 21st, 2011

First things first:

Whistler is a mere 24 days away. And in even better news, it seems fellow bloggerman A-man will be joining me. I’m pretty stoked on this. I’m probably going piss in his bed at the hotel. You can pretty much count on our room to be going off every night until 8:30 or 9:00PM. I’m also going to recommend he gets a wrist brace, a la  Corey Chrysler. It was that dude who always wore the wrist brace, right? Whatever. A-man is gonna be wearing on. We’re gonna make amazing old man shred videos  and maybe some amazing movies about how good we are at blowing minds.

I’m also hoping to swing by the Origin Design offices and tell them they should probably give me a job as a writer. I think it would be in the best interest of everyone.

Part two:

Wrapped up the local winter season around here on Saturday, and that was a blast. Slip-slid some boxes and handrails and only fell a little bit. On the corrugated tube. Like always. Effe that black plastic bastard.

Year end gear end recap:

Capita Indoor Survival camber: It rode switch nicely, the topsheet still sucks for stickers. Definitely a great board.

Volcom Gigi Jacket: Yeppers. Super ugly. Super Tech. I like it all except the built-in hood visor was kind of bothersome.

Malavita Bindings: At no point this year did my feet hurt, nor did my board fall off. Success!

6- or 7-year old Rome Flask: Still Works!

Part 3:

I’m pretty sure this guy needs to have his windows and or nuts smashed:

Keylo must be fuming, looking at that picture.

Selling out his state like he’s the governor or some shit.

Part 4:

I’m in some sort of college basketball pool, and I guess I’m winning money. This is good for me, as I really can’t be bothered to fill out an entire bracket, or even care.

Por ejemplo: we were sitting at a bar the other night watching some game and I had to ask Jake which number was the score and which was the shot clock. I suspect he may have been lying to me.

The Valentine’s Betterment Program

Thursday, February 10th, 2011

I gotta get this out today for a few reasons. Valentine’s day is fast approaching and the more time you have to prepare the better, also Thursday is a great day for lists, and no one reads blogs on Fridays anyway.

So I took the time out of my busy schedule of reading Craigslist Missed Connections to wisdom bomb all you would-be Valentiners. Valentines Day means different things to everyone. Some people are looking for the love of their life to surprise them, other people are thinking “maybe I’ll push for a three-way with her roommate tonight,” and still others will just be playing Call of Duty. But whatever your plans may be, here are some tips for an even better Valentine’s.

  • Wearing an Aaron Rodgers jersey is a bad move. Wearing a Ben Roethlisberger one is an even worse move.
  • Start working out this weekend so you can brag about your routine.
  • Shower.
  • Even though you’re both guilty of it, don’t mention to your date that you’ve been stalking their moves on Facebook for the past three weeks.
  • Gentlemen, remember the Extra Optical Inch. Ladies, Telly Savalas.
  • Get your sex soundtrack set up. Kick it off with Fugazi’s Repeater album. If your date isn’t down with it, you’re not  down with them.
  • The two-dates-in-one-restaurant routine never works. Better Option: A quickie in the mop-room with the hostess or busboy.
  • KY His & Hers. Trust me I know.
  • Keep your dinner costs down with crystal meth, aka the Auburn Appetizer, aka Minnesota Slim Fast, aka the Shakesweight.
  • The number one Valentine’s Day movie is Dumplings.
  • Scope out a few tumblr accounts. If your dated isn’t as deadfucksexy as the people tumblr-ers repost, you should probably just stay home.

Enjoy!

Sooooooopah Bowl

Thursday, February 3rd, 2011

Well at least we’ve got Weezy on our side.

I’m about one Packers song away from tossing myself off the Hoan Bridge.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the Packers and all that, but just stop. There can be only one Super Bowl Shuffle. There can be only one Ickey Shuffle. There can be only one Highlander. So, Go Pack go! But packer’s fans please just slow it down a bit.

Doubles

We got 27 seconds on the lakefront, from yesterday to deal with. Turn those speakers up to hear this wind whip.

lakefront from Rumorator von Rumorstein on Vimeo.

So here’s my gripe

The city tickets you for being parked in certain zones, which is fair enough. But the understanding is that citizens cannot park in these snow zones because the city is going to plow them.And this system is failing

This is how it goes down in Milwaukee. My friend, Cocaine Melissa, gets a text message that says it’s a snow emergency, so she has a few hours to move her car before the ticketing starts. BUT there are no repurcussions on the side of the city. They have as long as they want to get those streets plowed.  And if they don’t get to them before the snow emergency ends, you as a citizen just have to deal with unplowed streets. I feel that if the city can’t deliver plowed streets with a certain time, let’s say 24 hours from declaring the snow emergency, the tickets issued for that street should be voided.

I was driving through the city this morning and the snow zones were empty, people were strutting down to the emergency lots in -15 wind chills, and still the streets didn’t get plowed out. I’m not sure if their excuse is manpower or machines or what, but we’ve got 20% unemployment going on in this city, and it’s pushing 50% among black males. And yet we don’t have  the workforce to clear some streets and sidewalks?

C’mon broders, A state of emergency was declared, funds should have been released. We need to get that money into the hands of people willing to shovel snow for a day. Pay ‘em $10/hour and I promise, you would have people working all day, streets would be looking good, and you know most of that money would be back into the economy within days, if not minutes.  Added stimulus bonus.

Moral of the bloggery: Plow the fucking streets if you’re going to ticket on them.

Full disclosure: I have not been parking ticketed within the last two weeks.

Weekender

Friday, January 14th, 2011

Episode III:  A New Hope

I’m probably going to do some snowboarding this evening. It seems like a fitting way to spend the night. I deserve this. Right?

Furreal, I do. I put in some serious work this week. Got the brain back to playing weight. Just in time too. I tossed down a fucking steel cage match yesterday. Endurance. Like 18 fucking hours. At one point the ref came in, lifted my hand, and it fell back to the mat. Then he did it again. And it fell again. He dropped it for the third time and it started to fall. Then it stopped and one finger stood erect, waved back and forth and sent the crowd into a goddamn frenzy. From that point on it was all Rumorator. Just kicking ass.

MEANWHILE

In Europe this weekend Kazu Kokubo will be winning contests and doing those mctwists that make Terry Hackenson jealous. Someone on the inside told me this.

As a-man says, all contests are rigged anyway.

Nonbeliever? Seriously. Japan.

If I were a contest judge and Kazu just one-hit the pipe and put down his mctwist. I would have him marked as the leader. And not just for that contest, I would give him first place in the previous two events and the next three. I’d even giving him a 2nd in the 2004 US Open. RETROACTIVE!

MEANWHILE

Jockville has some football games to deal with this weekend. And  I want the citizens to deal with this:

We’re backing the Pack and Seakkle. Which should make it a very confusing championship game for former wiscozzie and current seakkalite, Ependergrast.

There could be some more skulls in that Clay Matthews video though.

MEANWHILST

Lexus produced this video and I picked it up from Boardistan.

It’s a little long and that new car looks rather silly, but the ending is just awesome. Whitney Cummings (porno name) blobviously knew exactly when her union benefits kicked in.

“500 hours? Sweet. Now I can get my herpes med for just a co-pay”

Steve Berra looks like old balls.

The What’s What.

Monday, January 10th, 2011

Pagina una:

As of late I’ve been huckstering some product, trying to convince people that mustaches are a good thing and should be celebrated. On the inside, I regard a mustache as the sign of someone not to be trusted. A rogue. A scoundrel. A  ne’er-do-well. A knave. A shitbag. This is very similar to the feelings I get when women tell me they have to be up early on Sunday morning to morning. I kinda want to ask, “You’re kidding, right?” Man, if I knew it was going to be that kind of party, I would have never even let you in.

I’ll keep you posted on this.

Pagina dos:

Somebody is putting their hands up for Detroit:

Look at that car, MFer, and tell me my city doesn’t get gritty. Sheeeeeeitttttttt! Even the Silver Spurt is looking more like a Hazy Shade of Winter. And if the Spurt is Simon and Garfunkel, this rig must be Procol Harem.

Pagina Tres:

Art (not Garfunkel)

Pagina Cuatro:

Jocks: If there is a Seakkle vs Green’s Bay NFC championship I will challenge A Man to a Blogger Championship.  Man, I feel like Ted Dibiase issuing that kind of challenge. HOGAN!

Johnny Five:

I haven’t been out on the shrad but for one day this year. However, I’ve been at the bike park twice in the past week. You figure it out.

Thoorsday

Thursday, June 17th, 2010

My Ad Age subscription is running out sometime soon. Honestly I can’t believe I still get it. It’s like the publication that keeps on giving. But I think it has to function that way, just keep sending shit out because no one else gives a fuck. I mean anyone who has ever read ad age knows it’s completely self-serving and  seemingly 100% meta.

por ejamplo:

A couple issues ago it was about “women to watch” and no they weren’t talking about internet cam-girls. But one of the broads was this lady:

and only a few pages away we get :

Okay, so Ms. Wang’s job is to sell ad space for ABC. To bring in money. Yet ABC is probably spending money to get this ad into Ad Age. It must go down like this:

PR Firm: Ad Age, you should put Ms. Wang in your “Women to Watch.”
Ad Age: Who the fuck is Ms. Wang?
PR Firm: Doesn’t matter, we’ll buy a full page ad celebrating her achievement.
Ad Age: Fuck yeah. She’s in. So you pickin’ up the tab for this dinner?
PR Firm: Well, I think ABC is. GARCON! two more Johnny Walker blues and a couple of hookers please.
(Ad Age and PR Firm laugh in unison, Ad Age squeezes a breast of one the hookers)

Really it seems the one to watch was the PR firm for ABC that said we need to hype this broad so we can charge ABC for another ad, and don’t worry we won’t spend a dime on creative. Because Ad Age ads are the worst ads every produced. This is a fact.

Funny thing is, a bunch of these women to watch had self-serving ads. And they were all pretty shitty.

Part 2

Sorry for that ad rant. It seems A-man is the only one who cared to answer the trivia questions. He did fairly well.

Part 3

Another one from TeddyToothtaker

I should really just hand over the blog to that dude at this time. But really that video is pretty sick. There is nothing I don’t agree with in there.

Part 4

Mexico and France time.

Opening Day Is Coming

Thursday, April 1st, 2010

MONDAY! MONDAY! MONDAY! is opening day and if you’re like me you’ll be there cheering on Los Cerveceros against the Cololamedo Rockies. It’s a great time to get your fill of brats, dogs, stadium sauce, pork, taco dip, chips and beer. The weather sounds like it’s going to be perfect this year, so don’t miss it. But in case you didn’t get tickets. I’ve compiled a list of other activities with which to fill your opening day.

22 Things to do If You Didn’t Get Opening Day Tickets:

  • Come to the parking lot and drink beer. Maybe play that weird bean bag tossing game.
  • Lars-style it: Sit on your stoop with a radio and a 12er of Old Style.
  • Work.
  • Grab a baseball bat and have your own opening day in Riverwest.
  • Sit around with your frat brothers and have your own sausage races.
  • Keep reminding your friends how many days, hours, minutes, and seconds remain until the World Cup Begins.
  • Blame Obama
  • Carry on with your life, oblivious to the local sports team, only acknowledging it to discuss how it causes an unhealthy obsession in a class of people obviously lower than yourself.
  • Grab an early dinner at Applebees. Then maybe swing by Barnes & Noble for that new Rachel Ray Cookbook. Her recipe for take-out hamburgers is amazing: Buy three hamburgers, combine them all into one and look at that, you’ve got a triple burger for the biggest of appetites. And you didn’t even mess up your kitchen.
  • Drugs (and wear sunglasses).
  • Sleep with the wife of a man who is going to opening day. HOMERUN!
  • Do the Humpty Hump.
  • Fight the good fight and get some anti-fungal cream.
  • Check in on 4-Square: “I’m not at opening day! http://4sq.com/tellmewhenthisgetannoying
  • Get Mtv Off the Air
  • Get down with that Joanna Newsom triple disc. I have to suggest doing this one Lars-style, with the 12er of Old Style on the front stoop, as well.
  • Just keep on, keepin’ on.
  • American Pie #8: Semester at See-Through-Panties is finally out on DVD. Catch the commentary with Eugene Levy, Michelle Trachtenberg, Frankie Muniz and Haley Joel Osmet.
  • Wonder aloud whenTF Rumorator.com went to blow.
  • Come up with a noble excuse such as: you donated your tickets to a blind child who only longs to hear the crack of a Prince Fielder homerun, or I’ve spent the last six month in a meth haze, can you really expect me to order tickets?
  • Listen to the “Music for Losers” station on Pandora.
  • Opt to go see a Madison Mallards game because that’s where core baseball happens.

In Other News

You cannot stop this:

Putting Some More Jock in the NCAA Tournament

Wednesday, March 17th, 2010

March Madness. Pretty much the only time the playing field gets leveled and I can talk smack with mega-jocks like Keylo. Seriously I was supposed to be shradding with him last week, but he stayed in the hotel room the whole time. Smoking his Green Cigarettes and watching basketball. J-J-J-Jocked out! At one point I woke up at 3 am and the he was watching highlights of women’s basketball. Sad state, bro. Dude can out-sports me everyday, but when picking teams for the the NCAA College basketball tournament it’s all fair game. All brackets have the rankings and most people will just follow those and maybe pick one or two personal favorites.

Weak.

I was originally going to rank the school by how many women I had relations with at each school , but then I realized I would have to take Wisco and UVM all the way. I wasn’t about to do that. Besides I am much better suited to run a bracket of the Ivy League and NESCAC colleges on that system.

Instead I have simply flipped a coin for every game. Making the top bracketed team tails, and the lower bracketed team heads.

It’s just like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead over here.

Oh and if you wanna go up against me, I’m in the MODA3 bracket, which you are free to join.

Looking at my bracket, I’m pretty sure I’m screwed. Though I must say, I’m pretty radded out by the Richmond’s spider mascot. That’s straight venom bitches!

And if that bracket isn’t funny enough check this out.