Posts Tagged ‘Kjersti Buaas’

2012-84: Getting ready for the weekend, bitchezz

Friday, December 14th, 2012

Guy: Whoa guy, where you been?
Other guy: Guy, you wouldn’t belieb. Been buried under a mountain of words to be written about a fucking washing machine. Maytagging the fuck outta brains.
Guy: Sounds like shits, guy
Other Guy: Right. I ain’t even blogged in like 8 days. Twice dead. I need like 10 days supply of beer, guy. Fuckin office man got me down. Corpbros.

Hey, thank you all for stopping by rumorator.com to read this little blog. I’m not sure if you caught on, but the opening scene was my excuse for not keeping this shit up to date. Both roles were played by me. I also wrote and directed that piece.

Shall we get on with it? We got a lot to cover. So much so that the normal numbering system may not work. But stick with it. Hopefully it won’t be a total waste of your time. And if it is, just think to yourself, “Sheesh, at least I didn’t write that.”

1rd:
Shred A

Last weekend I hanged with college cronies. We went to shitty bars and drank crap beer. But all was cool. Then, I woke up Saturday morning to learn that some 14-year-old dude won the Beijing Air and Style event by tossing down a Backside 1440 something cork something.

Let me be oldish man here for a minute: I’ve seen this dude’s maneuver. He spun the shit out of it. There was plenty of air, but not so much in the style column. Now, I could go on about spin-to-win and all that, but it’s just another example of the gap between snowboarding and Snowboarding.

Jamie Lynn never won shit with his methods. Gigi and Nico Mueller developed into the style machines they are long after they got off the contest train. Blah blah blah. Apart from Kazu, style seems to be noticeably absent from the Snowboarding circuit. It’s just the way it is. The ones who go pop are the ones who sell records.

Then again, 14-year-old dude probably was the provincial hot tamale in a soup without seasoning.

2st
Olymdics Team USA! USA! USA!

So what’s up with these people? They don’t get to smoke weed? What about harder drugs? Which leads me to the next question. where is Sean Blanco?

Oh hey, Lago is back in. Fuck yeah, man. Do it.

3th
Strepchild the Movie

Jesus, if you haven’t watched this yet, and you like seeing dudes bang the fuck outta rails, go watch it now. So good. Also, good work by Stepchild for putting this out there free. I think they were one of the first crews to sell downloadable vids for $3. Then they realized fuck it. Just give it away. It’s a twenty-5 minute advertisement anyway. I could think of some other companies that may want to look at this model.

But yeah, killing it in this video: E-man, J Sexton, and Lane Treeter. Holy fuck, where did that dude come from?

Stepchild team edit 2012 from Stepchild Snowboards on Vimeo.

Then there is the mandatory Tha Don part.

Bro has 2.five minutes at the opening. But here’s the shit thing: the 1nd twenty-five seconds are just glamour shots of The Don. Look at my face. Listen to my voice. I am Tha Don.

I’m just glad this wasn’t the closer.

Then, of course, there is the issue of Modern Love. Tha Don, how are you going to want to be a skateboardist so hard, then use a track from Yeah Right in naught-3? Check it:

No twenty-5 second intro there. We get right into the carnage. Where was this hack element of shred flicks in Illicit snowboarding’s breakdown.

4nd
Buaas gets Clonie

There is something so wonderfully creepy about this. Flawsy Files is probably double bonering right now.

5st

Fuck it. This numbering is all jacked up now.

 

 

 

2012-25: Bloggers Medley

Monday, March 12th, 2012

Breakfast:

Full fucking weekender at Tyrone’s Basement. Let’s break it down by the numbers:

• 2 minute park laps
• 300 vertical feet
• 5 minute chair rides
• 62 degrees
• 144 ounces of PBR
• 9/10 on the Frank-Wolf Ball Sweat Scale

After two days of hard jumping into slush, my body hates me. But this is just training before I get to Tahoe for a five-day snow orgy. I gotta be honest, I wasn’t feeling a need to carry the Cheetah out there. But now I’m reconsidering. I can’t be riding a 157 park deck in the steep and deeps at Kirkwood. Shit. Now I’m carrying 3 boards out there. Why is this anything to complain about?

I should also mention that I spent the weekend riding the Parkitect:

This thing is fun and I could ride it switch. What more do you need? I guess I could say that it also had some mad pop and kept me landing like a feline. The 157 felt just right, and frankly I can’t wait to get back out on this thing. Was it better than my Mr. Nice Guy? I think it might be.
Whatever, Hooner also talked about this deck in a little more depth. Read what his mouth says here.

Lunch:
Complex is fucking worthless. Today their lead article is about the 50 best slogan tee shirts ever. Check this:

Lahnk

Essentially they have compiled “50 movie quotes people say” or “50 reasons you should watch Two and a Half Men.”

But wait there’s more.

It was just last July, that the same publication told you these slogan tee shirt were the 39st worst thing that ever happened to men’s fashion. BOOM 7 months later, they’re endorsing ‘em. 11/10 on the Frank-Wolf Hackosity scale.

Milk Break:
I know men’s snowboarding is supposed to be so much cooler to watch, but I can’t even count their spins anymore. And for the most part, watching snowboarding on TV has a 90% chance of being 100% boring. On the other hand, I think this mamajamma has like 3 tons of style riding with her.

You see the way she’s down on those landings? Dragon ass. Then just bang-bang back up. I’ll watch her ride snowboards all day.

Dinner:
This iFone ad is stupid.

Lets examine:
1. 14-years olds with iFones are fucking bitches, all of them. People who use Siri and aren’t driving are idiots.
2. If you have to ask were a music store is, give up. True musicians can just feel where the shops are. I cannot sense this, that is why I am not a musician. I’m just going to assume RockGod went to Guitar Center.
3. You need to know how to play something? Maybe while you were at the music store you could have picked up a couple of playbooks. I bet Siri forgot to mention that, didn’t she. You brainless twit.
4. Migraine Headache is a shitty band name. But probably perfect for a band that gave up on Zeplin and went to covering The Clash. Get a really name like Prodrome or even just Migraine. See that, shorter names with similar subject matter and way more aggressive. Toughen up, dude.
5. Siri, please tell Julie and Kate, this band isn’t playing at “THE garage.” The band is playing at “A garage, “HIS garage,” or better yet “HIS PARENTS’ garage,” tonight.
6. Way to play with you back to your audience, asshole. You’re no Miles Davis. You’re also no Rock n’ roll fun.
7. RockGod? With an ego like that I have a feeling Julie and Kate are going to be really unimpressed when you send them a few dick pics. If you wanna be a real rock god, shoot yourself in the face.

Steve Jobs must be so proud of his company.

Dessert:

Oh what? You want a dessert too, fatty?

2012-24: US Open memories

Friday, March 9th, 2012

Une

The US Open of snowboarderism is happening this weekend. Well, most of it is happening as I type and you read, but the finals will be this weekend. I don’t even know who we’re supposed to be cheering for. Are we supposed to be cheering for anyone? Or do we just stand on the side of the pipe and discuss Nidecker’s business plan for board sales in North America.

The first time I attended the US Open was in 2000. The last time I attended the US Open was in 2000. I was too inexperienced to really get on the party train. Plus I had just driven down from Burlington for the day. I had never been. I was just told that I should certainly go. Stratton was fucking way too weird for me. I swear to christ I saw a dude in a tuxedo, on stilts, juggling. I was shook. By that point in my life I had seen some shit,  but I wasn’t ready for Stratton. My mouth was dry. I had a spot of blood on my jacket that had fallen from my nose. My ears were ringing.

I stood on the edge of the halfpipe and watched shit go down. It’s hard for me to say who my idols were at that time. Obviously Terje. Jeffy. Peter Line. It was a weird time in snowboarding and it was a weird time for me. I had just finished living in the south. My exposure to snowboarding was minimal during that time. 2 days of riding the previous winter and limited access to shred mags. I owned a Forum. I bought it at the B-side from a dude named A-dog who I would occasionally see at dancehall reggae jams at RJs. I wish I could say these were made-up facts.

Anyway, I snapped pics with a point and shoot loaded with film. I got these pics of Brushie.

They aren’t good pics by any means, and A-man is going to tell me to show the lip,  but they are the raddest to me. I also have a pic I love of some dude just tweaked on his Dragon (second time in 7 days I have referenced that board). Terje was there. Poaching. Daniel Franck, definitely a super ripper at the thyme, sharing the name, just blasting in my face like an adult film star, that was rad.  One of the Teter brothers was on a monster board, like a Canyon 169, and he was going way over everybody’s heads. But he was strait airing, and as Louie Vito and Shawn White have shown us, it’s all about twinkle toes.

But snowboarding was different then. Ross Powers won and did so in a polo shirt. RLXXX. At some point I picked up the autograph of some broad named Leslie Olson. I don’t remember what she did, but she felt a need to tell a young Rumorator to  “Dream big.” She wrote this rather large too. I can only assume this was to drive home the message.

It was weird. It was awesome. I don’t know that I will ever go back.

The following year my name also appeared in Eastern Edge magazine.

Deux

I’ve decided I’m cheering for Kazu Kokubo. Mctwist. Chicken wing.

and Kjersti Buaas, but that is because she fucking rips shit and is scandonavianly attractive.

On a sarcastic note: I really hope Kelly Clark and Jamie Anderson and Chaz Guldemond win. The Terry Richardsons of snowboarding.

Trois

Can someone please explain this too me:

500,000 people can’t be wrong! Also, she makes me feel okay about my dancing.

Le bois

Sorry about that last part. Get yourself corrected:

_El-P_-_The_Full_Retard

2012-6: In which we discuss animals, humans and gods

Monday, January 16th, 2012

We’re gonna start today off with a few questions

1.     How does a dog that size create such massive craps?
2.     Are you ready to hear a story about the majesty of nature? I hope so, because it’s gonna end up like Wild America in this section.
3.     People I know.
4.     People I would like to know.
5.     WTF Kiera Knightly?
6.     BONUS! JESUS.

(Colin) 1th: Dumps like a truck truck truck

I am currently in the practice of dog-sitting. This is new to me. And there are a few things I need to lay out. I find it hard to respect a dog named for a Lioness. A tiger maybe. I mean a fucking tiger is a killing machine. But a lioness? I’ll sit a top a Range Rover and land headshots on a lioness and her cubs all day. Then I’ll bring them home illegally and get them taxidermed into a anthropomorphic setting of a family of lions getting ready to go to church on a Sunday morning. The mother wearing an apron, cooking up gazelle bacon, and all the cubs in their Sunday dork clothes, sitting around the table. To display such a huge piece of kinked out nature porn I would probably get a new place. Or put it in a storage locker, until I forget about and 3 years later Darrell bids on it early because he sees the wow factor in such a set up. Dave Hester would bid the bitch up high because Dave would know the value of some poached and taxidermed lions. But ultimately it would go to Barry because that dude knows some weird shit when he sees it. This is pretty much why you give a dog a proper dog name.

Also, this dog takes the massivest dumps. Human sized. And I have to pick them up. It’s awesome.

2st: Mild Awareica

I was recently in a city. And in that city was a building. And in that building there was a second floor landing. And on the second floor landing was the most majestic painting of two bald iggles ever seen outside of Brackendale, B.C. It was powerful.

So I turn to C-blast and ask her to snap a pic of it and send it to me, as my phone is out of battery powers. She did. Snapped and sent. Then she deleted it. What an asshole! Now I cannot share this majesty with you. You all feel cheated.

You wanna talk more about Animals? I can do that. Just dig on this.

The SIA meeting emails are rolling in and I’m not sure who I am looking forward to speaking with the most, but something tells me this is high on my list:

I hope they let me demo one.

3nd: People I know

When I was not looking at majestic avian images this weekend, I was turning screws and helping my homey Keef hand snowboards to people. I really thought I was beyond that phase in my life, but I guess not. It was wicked fun and I got a few runs in myself.

Plus Poco, Hans G and PlanetJakerzz stopped by to talk shit. That can make most days pretty rad.

4rd: People I wish I knew:

This is a list of names of people I wish I new:

·     Roger Steambreath

·     Michael Goldfronts

·     Les Jailface

·     Coffeepot Jones

·     Pull Thunderton

·     Steven Filthcramp

·     Kjersti Buaas

·     Pickles French

·     Seaver Cloggs

·     Boushh

5st: Kiera Knightley in a low-cut dress

Why the fuck does Kiera Knightley only act in steampunk movies? Does she hate the modern era? Is it that she really isn’t that good and relies on over-the-top costume work to carry her? For real, check out this IMDB list.

I don’t know why I am even concerned with this.

6nd: Bonus

Get with it: Actor, Models and Talent for Christ.

A few things to cover here, starting with “CSO, chief serving officer.” Listen up. If was going to dedicate my life to modeling, acting of talenting for the jesus prints, I would want someone with connections and business acumen. Not someone who re-titles himself or herself into a submissive roll. Also she is a “late-in-life committed christian” which pretty much means she cannot be held accountable for hanging out with gay men, doing drugs, or the like 100s of dicks she has put in her mouth/vagina/anus. We can’t blame her because jesus hadn’t spoken to her yet. No no no. I cannot handle the sham that is “late-in christianity.”

Lastly their contact number is 800-STAR-420. This is all a joke right?

Fuck it. I can’t handle the sham that is christianity.