Posts Tagged ‘Listed’

Fat Tuesday

Tuesday, March 8th, 2011

A Report From The World

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Health Organization

I’m starting to believe Wisconsin’s Governor and official corporate pawn, Scooter Walker, may have planted rogue agents among the protesters. Agents to spread illness around. How do I know this? It’s because everyone who has been involved is ending up with Rally Hack. Frankly, my throat feels like shit.

Last night I was doing some at-home remedying/witchcraft and whatever came out of my nose and throat tasted like a farm. Believe it. I’ve been to farm. Shit was farmy.

Part 2.

Catholics fire up their Lenten studies tomorrow. And you’ll know who these cats are because they will either talk to you about what they are giving up for lent, or, for the ones who are way into it, they’ll have some ash rubbed on their faces. That’s some leftover pagan meets Apocalypse Now style for sure.

But yeah, it’s all about what they are giving up. Sometimes they’re like “I’m giving up pizza, or sodas, or doughnuts.” Pssht. Why don’t you try something a bit more demanding? Spend your 40 days and 40 nights not being such an asshole. Or “I’m going to try to stop nodding when I stare at the boobs of the girl who pours my cappuccinos.” Make some real sacrifices here cafflicks.

Forget it. A few years ago, I gave up listening to people talk about their silly Lenten give-ups. That was only a few years after I gave up their god. But if you’re still on that train, I’ve compiled a list of things you might want to consider giving up this Lenten season.

  • Spend forty days making sure there is left directional use with that left turn.
  • Quit telling me you zeach and tindy to be ironic.
  • Give up being smoke-free. ¡es hora de fumar!
  • Quit crying.
  • Stop oppressing.
  • Stop snitchin’.
  • Stop closing the door to bathroom stalls. Jesus bonus if you leave the door to the greater bathroom open as well.
  • Please stop playing that Mumford and Sons song.
  • Stop Facebook liking things that are impossible to like. You cannot honestly like punch cards, self check-outs, or one dollar bills.
  • Stop holding out girl.
  • Start stunting.
  • If you sit near me, you could consider trying to stop talking to me.
  • Stop the war on workers
  • Stop hiding, stop hiding, stop hiding your face.

You’ve got a few hours left before the no fun starts. Go rip it up.


Thursday, September 16th, 2010

Once again social media proves itself to be The Tower of Babel, The Fountain of Youth, and Finnegan’s Wake all rolled into 42. This was delivered to me today via twitters.

It makes Torontario seem like a decent place.

A bit of back story here: Broder vR has been laying low in Torontario. To hide his identity, he’s changed his name to Wu. I’ve heard he’s like a Charlie Chan figure up there. Especially when he drops wisdom like “They say Obama’s a socialist, but somehow all I got is jack shit and student loans.”

Anyway TheyCallMeVice, which may be one of the most heated twitter names ever, says I am to come visit.
I say not unless they have snow or mountains or beaches where I can sit and drink out of coconuts.

She says she’s They drink out of whatever. Still encouraging my visit.
She obviously doesn’t know what kind of disappointment she’s asking for. I’m like the Pit of Carkoon but with let downs, rather than pain and suffering.

But I’d like to go. I’ve heard they have a plaque in the middle of the city that reads, “We are a humble people.” It’s just a small plaque, obviously. You may have never noticed it, and that’s okay, it just remains there, guiding the Canadanesian lifestyle.

Still they like to drink out of whatever. These seem like my kind of people. That said I’ve compiled a list of things I would drink out of if I were to got to Torontario:

  • A water fountain at the CN tower.
  • Sydney Crosby’s glove.
  • A cup that I took from a stranger’s house, because Michael Moore says they don’t lock their doors.
  • The throat of a virgin whilst at some sort of black mass.
  • A Labatt Blue bottle half-full of warm piss.
  • Something something The Weakerthans
  • Right outta the faucet. SAVAGE!
  • The Great Canadian River.
  • WHOA
  • A fucking polar bear skull

You know this is legit.

Horse Races: Get Your Saturday On

Saturday, May 15th, 2010

I’m sure you all know that I’m going to be rolling out to Heavy-T’s bachelor party in just a few minutes, but it’s important that we also address that today is The Preakness Stakes. Horse racing is by far the best sport to be in to, except for the damn hats women wear at the Kentucky Derby. Seriously, ladies, give it up. You look like some rejected Dickensian characters. But let’s get back to horse racing. Way better than football, baseball, basketball or hockey because it’s done in two to three minutes. It’s all excitement too. None of this time-out, seventh-inning stretch nonsense. In horse racing the cadence plays, you set down your drink, the bells sounds, and everyone is on their feet for the entire race. And when it’s over you pick your drink back up. Plus you can win money. Legit money. Not like the amateur-assed march-madness office-tourney money, but heaps of money.

The other aspect of horse racing that is radder than all other sports is the names of the horses. It’s better than naming porno. Trust me on that one. Granted sometimes you’ll get one like Super Saver. That name reminds me of the sticker on the INXS Listen Like Thieves album, explaining why it was only $5.99. I think Super Saver was actually code for “not good.”

This years name line up at Pimlico could be better, but at least Jackson Bend is in there. FYI: A Jackson Bend is what happens when you go the bathroom post-coitus and your pee shoots sideways. As in: “My pee just made a Jackson Bend  and got all over her Illustrated Bible Stories shower curtian.”

It’s now that I should also let any horse owners know that my services are available for horse namings. And my fees are reasonable.

Broders and sizzders, just imagine this line-up at at the 2011 Preakness

  • Pooh’s Honey Stash ridden by Lester Felts
  • Frontside Indy ridden by Choo Choo McGumbo
  • Tilting At Energy Generating Wind Turbines ridden by Emmanuel Lewis
  • Truckstop Christmas ridden by Smalls Tiny
  • Freakonomics ridden by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner
  • Cow Face Pose ridden by Chesterton Hooch
  • Get Jay Leno Off The Air ridden by Raul Cifuentes
  • The Black Sleep of Kali Ma ridden by Fluf Coppertop
  • Eight Wale Corduroy ridden by Milt Lemons
  • Taco Dip ridden Geno Amanti
  • Leon Spinks and the Sophomore Jinx ridden Slip Kidd
  • Upper Decker ridden by Jean LaFabre
  • Smells Like Stripper Money ridden Camp Wrenchrod

But for today, I think Patty O’Prado is a good bet.

Pitchin’ the Script.

Wednesday, April 7th, 2010

Yesterday morning I woke up and left myself this message:

We’re ambulance drivers, but also landscapers.

Believe me,

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when I wrote that I knew it was a gold mine.

I spent the rest of yesterday trying to figure out exactly what this was about. Nothing dawned on me until late last night (as I was continuing my Scrabble slump). I figured I should probably be making some civil-service drama about this. Can you imagine the heat such a show would spray? I would call it Gardener and Gardener, EMTs ©. The pilot episode will probably deal with Gardener and Gardener working on a golf course when a golfer has a heart attack. Time is running out. Can they get to their ambulance in time?


I would also make Gardener and Gardener a brother and sister team. But half-way through the season we find out that one of them is adopted so this weird sexual tension runs throughout the series.

Right now you’re probably thinking that sounds like hackwork. Right. Well, dwell on this. I was being fed grapes and decided to tune in Lost last night. Regretfully, I saw the end of Dancing With the Stars. Louie Vito has apparently been voted off. And last night they were in the process of kicking off Buzz Aldrin. The father of hackory. BUZZ ALDRIN. The dude fake walked on the fake moon in a soundstage in California. After he heard the news that he was getting the boot he said, “I never thought I would walk on the moon, and I certainly never thought I would dance on TV.”

C’mon Buzz. You know your foxtrot was easier than wearing that “spacesuit.” Oh, and you never really made it to the moon. Seriously, ask my good friend Mofaniel about it. So lets break it down here Buzz:

  • Part 1: I never thought I would walk on the Moon… You didn’t. Points awarded: Zero(0)
  • Part 2: …and I certainly never thought I would dance on TV. Of course you didn’t. It’s like me saying, “Well I certainly never thought I would be pitching a show about landscaping EMTs.” It’s absurd, like a dancing show. Plus, back when your thoughts worked, Buzz, they didn’t have TV or dancing. Points awarded: Zero(0)

Official count: 0+0=WTF?

Have you dwelt? Good.

But back to my show. Just in case Gardener and Gardener, EMTs doesn’t get picked up, I also have these concepts I’ve been meaning to pitch:

  • Jay Leno Uncensored: It would all just be the same jokes except he could say black/latino/gay/jewish instead of “these people.” the first guest could be Michelle Obama and he could ask if he should add the degrading vocal inflection to “Black” or “Woman.”
  • Stunned!: This would be on E! and it’s just a clip compilation of folks still claiming “stunnah shades.”
  • Sandra Bullock vs. Travis Barker: Death Match: Right?
  • Hit-N-Run: Featuring a White Rav-4 with Wisconsin plates 629-NSS. I saw you back into my car and drive away.
  • You Think I Can Make It?: Contestants jump from boulder to boulder on mountains, rocky sea shores, etc. No harnesses, just amazingness.

Lets get Mtv off the Air, I deserve my own channel.

Know Your Canadians

Friday, March 12th, 2010

Step 1: Watch

You’ve probably already seen it. NBC is still running it, over and over. Mostly trying to cover Jay Leno’s gaping wound at 10pm. From 10-11 they just loop this commercial. Sometimes they even mix in the 1:30 extended version with the Helicopter. Proper snowboard video style.

But let’s cover what we know. Marty McFly is in it. He’s old, but he’s killing it becuase that’s what he does. Between maintaining a clean image in Hollywood (proper Canadadese style) and his elevation to messiah level on accout of Parkinsons ‘ over the past few years, he could have carried this entire ad. I don’t mean to come off as slighting his Parkinsons’, but he was ruling faces as Alex P. Keaton. never forget that. Stature deserved.

Then we’ve got Kim Cattrall who is technically a Brit. But we’ll let her slide because she was once in a movie about a giant spider invasion in Wisconsin. You don’t press that kind of CV.

Don’t forget the Orca’s on the prowl and Sarah McLachlan. That woman powered my libido more than anyone in the 1990s. Pretty rad, right? No. Not once you factor in that her Lilith Fair fiasco pretty much assured me that any broads I thought might be down were veering

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We’ve got Ryan Renolds oozing more manhood at :06 than anyone since the time Teddy Roosevelt was shot in Milwaukee. Seriously, I became a little jealous of Scarlett Johansson just then.

But after all that radness, we’ve got a couple of people who I do not recognize. I think one of them is a Tom Petty stand-in and the other is a mountie. Most likely. But if they needed to fill time why not get some of the more famous canadians.

Por ejemplo:

*Rachel McAdams
*Eugene Levy
*The corpse of Joseph-Armand Bombardier
*The Weakerthans ( but I would only recognize them in the Our Retired Explorer costumes)
*Margaret Atwood
*Josh Martinez

Step 2: Know Your Canadians.

I’m going slushboarding.

Knee Deep in the Olympics

Tuesday, February 16th, 2010

Maybe you all missed it whilst you were at home with one leg up on your couch trying to push your peep up your butt, but the Olympics started. In reality you haven’t missed much. Some toned down luge event. I think Christine Brennan talked to IOC into reducing the track because the lugers were going to fast. So everyone

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is puttering through that event. Apollo Ono still has his soul patch, and Lindsey Vonn still has a sore leg as well as a crap showing in Sports Illustrated. Bob Costas hasn’t aged in 73 years an I’ve been told he gained eternal youth by eating Dick Clark. It was also reported that one quarter of all the condoms used in the Olympic Village are used by Costas.

But there are some rad events going on too. Curling. So fucking legit. Biathlon. If all skiing was as rad as the biathlon I wouldn’t even shrad. But really the closest I have ever come was getting stoned one night at The Crystal Falcon’s house and playing Duck Hunt while standing on the Nordictrack.

Of course the old halfpike events are coming up. It’s funny because last night my homey the_boss_of_you was claiming on chinese state television the Chinese are winning all the medals. I got a feeling that kind of “media augmentation” will happen in the USA if Sean Blanco doesn’t win in the tube. But rightfully so, if the kid tosses down the CulebraBlanca he’s going to be tough to beat.

But in the interest of making the Old-Limp-dicks a bit more entertaining I’m tossing up these suggestions from Brother Keith as he embarked on his journey to become the head of the IOC last night.

11 Ways to Make the Winter Olympics More Interesting

  • Install a stripper pole at center ice for all figure skating events.
  • Give all biathlon athletes snow camo and paintball (or BB) guns and make it a last man standing event.
  • All downhill ski racers have to fashion their own skis out of provided lumber and tools in 24 hours.
  • The luge will take place on plastic Coleco brand sleds and have jumps made out of hay bales.
  • Introduce same sex couples figure skating.
  • Ban nude colored spandex from figure skating uniforms.
  • Leave hockey just as it is.
  • Combine figure skating and curling into one super event where a skater gets tossed and dudes sweep her into a circle target.
  • Replace Bob Costas with @iamsalmasakela.
  • Incorporate a pow turn / method contest into snowboarding.
  • Add a full loop and maybe a corkscrew to the luge.

Also if you couldn’t decide what to get me for Valentine’s day, it’s not too late to grab this from my Celbrity friend

It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown! or What up, Gentiles?

Wednesday, November 18th, 2009

This coming Easter the symbolic resurrection of your lord and savior isn’t the only bomb that’s dropping.

Get all the info here Mass: We Prey

Also this Easter season any time you think about people hangin out waiting for Jesus to come down off the crucifix and let people poke him like the Pilsbury doughboy I want you to think of It’s The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown.

But instead of Linus you’ve got Bible thumpers, instead of Snoopy you get David Koresh or Joseph Smith or Focus on the Family, and instead of being in Pumpking patch you’re in the suburbs, or the South, or Utah or Orange country.

Thanks to Goosefeather for the link

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Get on it.
All of it.

  • Google Wave Confusion
  • Frockcoats
  • The word Wottlesauce
  • Talking about Felt 3
  • Kreitler Rollers
  • Hating on the Dadaists
  • 3A-1 Einsatztasche 3rd Arm Interops
  • Claiming you’re getting off Dunks/Burton/Tee shirts
  • Jailhouse tats
  • Memories of the first time you saw pics Punky Brewster after that show got cancelled. When those boobs showed up.
  • Retrofitting a tapedeck into your GX470
  • Spectre of the Brocken vs Heiligenschein
  • Squash Soups
  • Holiday creep
  • Unemployment