Posts Tagged ‘Lists’

Profile and Front

Wednesday, November 9th, 2011

And then the jooks go down.

I feel I should update my Twitter bio. Currently it just says, “Probably going to kick your ass.” But given the dream I had the other night it’s probably not accurate anymore. In this dream I was walking past a crowd of OWS types, but I don’t think i was in NYC. But I could have been, because I remember seeing Shira and Jeff walking ahead of me. But I don’t know that it was them for sure. It was just that dream reassurance. Like, who else could it be?

So I keep bopping by and there was this little 10-ish year old kid trying to start a fight with me. I just kept moving, but finally gave in and started pushing him away. And he’s straight up attacking. Then a cop gets involved. I start walking away and the cop tells the kid he’s just got to kick me right in the dick. Right in the balls. Right in the nuts. Right in the jatz cracker. Then the dream ended.

So I didn’t really get beat up by a 10-year old kid in my dream, but i certainly didn’t win. Therefore, these are the options for new twitter bio:

  • Snowboarder, Biker, Copywriter, Leftist, Fuckarounder.
  • 1987 Betty Crocker Chili Cook-Off Champion. Autofellatiist.
  • The Internet
  • Not of the attic-dwelling Franks. Follow me and I’ll follow back!
  • Gold Teeth. Black Lungs. Whiskey Dick.
  • Raised by wolves. Born to die.
  • Does not shut up.
  • The zeach of life.
  • I’m in the business of getting business done.
  • Dainty.
  • I once lived in a shack with that dude everyone calls Bon Iver.

Vote early, vote often!

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Posted in A Very Special Rumorator, The Race Card | 4 Comments »

Your Costume Sucks

Thursday, October 27th, 2011

Late nighting this jawn. But it’s important to be, you know, bloggin’.

So anyway, I stopped at Boswell Books to pick up my copy of 1Q84 and of course I had to put on a good show. So I was properly pressed, wearing a wool driving coat and a matching scarf and gloves set. Oh sure it was like 50 degrees, but i needed to make a statement. I needed to be literary. So I dashed into the bookstore and and looked around frantically (one literary point for me), saw the book and darted towards it. I picked a copy and fondled it for a bit (another literary point) and walked to the register.

The sexless glob behind the counter picked up my book and and said “This is such a great book” (1 literary point).

OH! Now who the fuck is this? Trying to out-literary-cockstrut me? THIS SHIT IS ON, MOTHERFUCKER!

“Yeah he’s a great writer (1 point), I’m so glad this book has finally been released here, in the US (bonus), I read an excerpt from it in the New Yorker (DOUBLE BONUSES!).”

Suck it counterbeast! Go back to your 20-oz Mountain Dew and your virginia ham Lunchables.

And it was just like that. I flopped it out and measured all ten inches of my literary dick. The ink sniffing, money taker was certainly defeated.

“We got one advance copy here, and I’m almost to page 700.”

WTF? Thou wuzzist not ready for that shit indeed. So picked it up my book, flopped the meat back over the barbed wire and walked out.

I lost, boys. I lost.

Double Down

I got this lady in my life. She’s pretty much the closest thing I have sister. We’ll call her Yella. So Yella’s son “The Hache” just got himself a skateboard. Dude’s on it young, 6-years old-ish.

I swear to god, if that kid ends up skating mongo he’s out of the fucking will.

Triple shot Thursday

It’s Halloween weekend and you’re probably still looking for a costume. I know I am. I’ve always wanted to go as Oscar the Grouch. Full on, with Bruno carrying my ass around in a can. Such a costume is some serious work, so I’ve never done it. That, and the logistics of peeing are mind bokkling.

Whatever, here are my suggestions for you this year.

  • Brian Wilson (San Francisco Giant)
  • Brian Wilson (Eugene Landy Puppet)
  • Girl in a poodle skirt
  • Guy in a tuxedo shirt
  • Dabney Hiscock (Early 2oth century British porn star)
  • Keyes and Hayek (Economists, companion required, and you better learn the raps)
  • Gert Mallets (Early 2oth century British queen of anal)
  • Dong Frowley (Early 2oth century British porn star, aka Come On Your Face Michael; half asian)
  • Paddy Munch (Early 2oth century British  porn star of Irish decent)
  • A canoe
  • Kate and Julia Morkan (Sisters, elderly porn tag-team queens in early 20th century Ireland. These bitches hosted some killer orgies, especially around Christmas; companion required)
  • Clive Nutts (Early 2oth century British autofellatio master)
  • Rumorator (Fatsuit, kimono, cigarettes)
  • Harold Plundercunt (Early 2oth century British bookkeeper, amateur porn director)
  • Frank London (Early 2oth century British pornstar, only did guy on guy on guy work)
  • Moai
  • Moishe Oofnik
  • Clara Analman (Early 2oth century British porn star, she once blew like 40 vicars in one hour)
  • Maneki Neko Case (Figure it out)
  • Lenehan Milkbreath (Early 2oth century British porn star, rumored to have 27 literary centimeters)

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Posted in A Very Special Rumorator, Listed, Madison Anti-Boredom Campaign | 6 Comments »

The Valentine’s Betterment Program

Thursday, February 10th, 2011

I gotta get this out today for a few reasons. Valentine’s day is fast approaching and the more time you have to prepare the better, also Thursday is a great day for lists, and no one reads blogs on Fridays anyway.

So I took the time out of my busy schedule of reading Craigslist Missed Connections to wisdom bomb all you would-be Valentiners. Valentines Day means different things to everyone. Some people are looking for the love of their life to surprise them, other people are thinking “maybe I’ll push for a three-way with her roommate tonight,” and still others will just be playing Call of Duty. But whatever your plans may be, here are some tips for an even better Valentine’s.

  • Wearing an Aaron Rodgers jersey is a bad move. Wearing a Ben Roethlisberger one is an even worse move.
  • Start working out this weekend so you can brag about your routine.
  • Shower.
  • Even though you’re both guilty of it, don’t mention to your date that you’ve been stalking their moves on Facebook for the past three weeks.
  • Gentlemen, remember the Extra Optical Inch. Ladies, Telly Savalas.
  • Get your sex soundtrack set up. Kick it off with Fugazi’s Repeater album. If your date isn’t down with it, you’re not  down with them.
  • The two-dates-in-one-restaurant routine never works. Better Option: A quickie in the mop-room with the hostess or busboy.
  • KY His & Hers. Trust me I know.
  • Keep your dinner costs down with crystal meth, aka the Auburn Appetizer, aka Minnesota Slim Fast, aka the Shakesweight.
  • The number one Valentine’s Day movie is Dumplings.
  • Scope out a few tumblr accounts. If your dated isn’t as deadfucksexy as the people tumblr-ers repost, you should probably just stay home.

Enjoy!

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Posted in A Very Special Rumorator, Listed | No Comments »

The Water Closet

Wednesday, January 19th, 2011

I hoped it would never come to this. I was certain we, as a people, were beyond it. But here we are, getting a gentlemanly refresher on bathroom etiquette.

I’m not talking about simply washing your hands. Yet a lot of dudes still haven’t seen the rulebook on that one either.  That hand washing knowledge is out there, so now let’s build on it. Make sure you’re shutting off the water while you’re lathering your hands. This isn’t Torontario. The water isn’t free until everyone is.

So lets get into it

10 Tips to Proper Men’s Room Etiquette

  • Always take the taller urinal. I never trust a man who opts for the lower urinal. And please don’t drop some line about dong length. If you really were hung like that you’d be in gay pornos. Seriously.
  • Don’t bring your coffee into the men’s room unless you want me to pee in it
  • Whenst going in to drop some wolfbait, and faced with the option of several stalls, take the one closest to the door or urinals. Letting any other restroom users wallow in the smell of your hot shit is a fucking key power play. If you can, finish your session, and step out the great the people you just dominated.
  • If you’re having trouble peeing, sing this song to yourself:

    This is my personal jumpstart song, but you can borrow it.

  • Never be afraid to piss on another man’s shoes.
  • If there is a divider between the urinals and both are full, be sure to apologize to the other uriner for the missed opportunity to look at your penis. Then stare down at your own peen and shake your head in approval.
  • As CLK once taught us, a men’s room is a place of openness and trust. It is completely acceptable to remove your shirt.
  • That handicapped stall is for retards. For real. It is.
  • If someone chooses to use the men’s room to talk on the phone, it is completely acceptable to make super loud, gratuitous fart noises.
  • If you’re ever thinking to yourself, “Is this guy a bathroom attendant,” He probably isn’t. No matter how long he stands around watching you, do not accept a breath mint on the way out.

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Posted in Listed | 3 Comments »

PSA Wednesday

Wednesday, May 12th, 2010

Public Service Announcement day over here at the Rumorator offices.

Part 1: This is almost as good as the canadian workplace safety ads.


But, in both cases weddings are getting ruined.

Part 2: This goes back to the trivia team I’m on (we’re struggling this season, so piss off). One of our potential names came from Mr. Lipski who suggested we should be “She Was All For Shower Sex Until I Tried to Use the Apricot Facial Scrub as Lube.” We could dive into the backstory of this, but it’s more important we address the real issue here—People need to know what they can and can’t use for lubrication whilst sexing. To make it easier I compiled  some tips for smarter lubing. Also for what it’s worth, I knew a girl named Becky Lubs when I was growing up. Her name was a sentence. I thought she was rad. But, on to the matter at hand.

Six Tips for better lubing

  • When using the KY His and Hers, be sure not to put His on her. Lest your girl will be more disappointed than when she found out you read rumorator.com.
  • Don’t be fooled, Mr Zog’s Sex Wax doesn’t actually help sex. Similarly “No Fat Chicks” stickers don’t work either.
  • Various things that do not work well in place of lube: Coins, Aluminum Foil, Marbles, Sri Racha Sauce
  • Listening to Otis Redding works well; Thinking of Otis Redding at the bottom on Lake Monona does not.
  • Before using it for lube, ask yourself, “will the child in her womb be effected by this Seventh Generation All-Purpose Cleaner?”
  • Always used water based lubricants. Unless you’re in a hot tub, then use vodka.

Hump on my friends. Hump on.

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Posted in Listed | 2 Comments »

Adjective Names

Friday, October 23rd, 2009

Yesterday, while I was running the intarweb, declaring myself a goddamn hero for dumping $300 worth of canned olives into Lake Michigan, cans and all, I was also missing calls. Well actually they were BBMs, and my friend Heebrish Tali checking in to let me know she passed my name on to a dude named Smokin’ Jay. So I’m thinking this dude is raw. I’m thinking you gotta be committed to get an Adjective Nickname. Then I realize I know a lot of Adjective-Name people. Check this out, this is coming right out the contact list in my smaht-fone:

  • Diabetic Karl
  • Crystal Falcon (He had this name since jackson hole 2004. Don’t let fake Ballon Boy steal his thunder)
  • Fat Ed
  • Broke Paul
  • Punk Rock Paul
  • British Dan
  • Bloody Steve
  • Red Charlie
  • Stoked Mike
  • Bald Shelly
  • Heebrish Tali
  • Sleeps (Okay, so not adjective-name but a slick name none-the-less)
  • Indian Ed
  • Sinophile Jonah
  • Republican Steve
  • Fat Indian Ed
  • Bearded Keith
  • Big Riggin
  • Log Cabin Casey
  • Spanish Tim

Anyways while waiting around to see what Smokin’ Jay has to say you can watch this from the Dangerzone peoples.

Dangerzone Season 2 Episode 1 – “OktoberShred” from Nick Visconti on Vimeo.

Is it almost time to let Doc Martens be cool again? Because I need some boots to wear for the winter.

Finally here’s a little bit more about Heroes.

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Posted in snowboardering | No Comments »