This is when snowboarding died for the 63,477 time. I found this in my twitter trough this morning:
Shit. Sliding on the kitchen floor. LOL! Like that one works. That’s just Bigga B’s way of making you mentally fuck yourself. Because you slide and you put your left foot forward. Hmmm that felt okay. Then you slide again and put your right foot forward. Guess what, that felt okay too. Do it over and over and over and over and over again like a song by the Rapture off the better album. Doesn’t matter, because you’re sliding on your damn kitchen floor. Your body can go both ways in such an environment. You are in no better position when you step out on the snow.
SIDEBAR: It is important to take note of the assumptions made by Bigga B’s recommendation here. To slide on the floor they are assuming:
- You can afford socks.You have kitchen large enough to slide in.
- Your kitchen floor is made of hardwood or some other slick surface.
- Your nanny isn’t going to yell at you for running in the house.
- You’re white and at least middle class.
Maybe if the old slide-on-the-floor trick doesn’t work, you should try this— Stand at the top of a flight of stairs (because you’re white and middle class we’ll assume you’ve got a grand staircase in your house to use), close your eyes and have a friend push you from behind. What foot do you use to catch yourself? If it’s you right foot, you’re a goofy footer. If you extended your left foot, you’re regular footed. If you fell and knocked out any noticeable teeth buy a Rome.
The other option is to go rent your gear and when the rental tech says, “You need me to set this up goofy or regular?” Simply look at him and say, “It’s cool the way it is, bro.”
DO NOT FORGET TO SAY “BRO.”
You want to take the board as-is for two reasons. The first being it’s best not to let rental techs actually touch the gear you’ll be using. You have at least an 85% chance of regretting letting them set it up for you. Now compare that with just taking the board as it is. It’s either going to be regular or goofy. So you’ve got a 50% chance of it being set up the way you need it.
After a few runs you’re going to figure it out. “If I ride regular, I can kind of ride this thing. If I ride goofy, it reminds me of trying to get away from the neighbors dog that is always humping my leg.”
And then you have it figured out. You’re either regular or goofy.
Part 2: I wasn’t done with this ordeal. I had to dig a bit deeper. So I clicked on Starshinexx’s profile and saw this:
Fucking hell.
For all those times we’ve blamed anyone else (ESPN, Shaun “Gator II” White, Nike et al) for ruining snowboarding, look who’s doing it now. Sure there are some of us who have suspected for a long time that Bigga B was the real culprit, but never has the proof been so evident. Here they are pandering to some broad who in the hours before was dropping lines about the Kardashians, Ke$ha, and the Teen Choice Awards. It was the escape from people like this that made snowboarding so amazing. And yet here’s B talking about how counter culture they are, designing unlikely futures and all that, then they open the floodgates to bring these people in.
I’m putting 15:1 odds on this broad buying her gear at her locally owned Shrad Shop. There are also even odds she’s getting a Bigga B set up. And better than even odds that if she knew how to take a proper self-pic we would see she’s making a duckface.
I need to shower.
