Posts Tagged ‘Lumpy: the double-ended black dildo’

2012-69: Slowly Slipping Into Winter

Monday, October 1st, 2012

Believe me when I tell you this: Winter is coming.

There may again be a severe lack of snow that translates into failed crops all across the country for another year, but winter is coming. I know this because all the snowboardering websites are relaunching and reminding me to toss away money like there’s AIDS on it (easy there judgers, that’s an MF Doom reference so it’s pretty much untouchable).

But it’s not enough to tell me I need approximately six new snowboards, 17 jackets and a handful of new goggles (Notice how I didn’t say boots? Fuck it, only one of those things is blood soaked, so the Ambush still have a few good years left in them). Apparently there is other shit I’m supposed to be being buying as well. Most noticeably “after riding shoes.”

Turns out those beat down dunks, that my feet can slide in and out of without effort, aren’t good enough anymore. MFers what me to actually buy shoes to wear when I get done. Like I don’t just wear my boots into the bar.

Who am I trying to impress? Some ski racer moms? Dudes in turtlenecks?

I thought that is why they put bars at ski areas—so you have friends to look ridiculous with, after you’ve taken your third run of the day. Everyone looks like foolz so it’s all okay.

But it seems I supposed to be wearing these special after riding shoes. And they have names like The Off Mountain Series or the Adidas Blauvelt.

I took this image direct from Snowboarder mag dot com. They even awarded the AdiJBs “Gear of The Day”, which I assume means it was delivered first and came with a promise to buy ad space, of which there is plenty. That’s probably a plus as 40 percent of the sales are going to dudes stoked on confusion as they think thank they’re getting Jesse Burtner’s signature shoe.

The good thing about the AdiJBs is they look like actual hikery boots, so you can feel rugged to fuckall when figuring out that they look like shit with everything you own. Plus, they come in various colors. Too bad they don’t come in other styles.

Nike’s in the game as well:

I stole that pic from MODA3’s instergramps© feed. Check that shit out. Brought to you by the people who brought you Nike Snowboarding brought to you by the people who brought you Nike Skateboarding brought to you by the people who brought you Nike Soccer brought to you by the people who brought you Nike Bike brought to you by the people who brought you Nike Hockey brought to you by the people who brought you Nike Golf brought to you by the people who brought you Nike High School Wrestling brought to you by the people who brought you MegaJocks

Fuck it at least they’re paying Gigi, Nico and Hadar (Call me girl. You got my number, right?)

But you know who was on this tip 20 years ago? Airwalk. Aftaboots. I wasn’t anywhere near old enough to open my throat and slug back 5 bloody marys and ¾ pack of smokes and I knew after riding gear was goofy then too.

Contradicting myself: You wanna know who did it best? Gravis, with the Cue. Bring that shit back and I’ll buy a lifetime supply.

Lets step away from the shred world for a minute.

This exists:

FUCK NO.
Here’s a great gift: 4000 calories, rotten teeth and at least a week’s worth of questioning your sexuality. On the candy front I think this would be perfect for WhyB, but I’m not here to talk about  the candy. Let’s talk about the marketing. Sure, there was the one dick joke in the ad, but we’re better than that. Let’s get beyond the euphemisms and market this thing for the purpose it was intended.

I don’t claim to be a marketing genius. In fact, as of late I’m nothing more than a cut-rate editor. SUCK IT CLIENTS. But I can tell you there is no need for a youtube video here. Just run this image:

Tagline: Rots teeth, morals.

Then simply set it up with a webcam page.
It will sell.

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