Posts Tagged ‘MODA3’

2012-69: Slowly Slipping Into Winter

Monday, October 1st, 2012

Believe me when I tell you this: Winter is coming.

There may again be a severe lack of snow that translates into failed crops all across the country for another year, but winter is coming. I know this because all the snowboardering websites are relaunching and reminding me to toss away money like there’s AIDS on it (easy there judgers, that’s an MF Doom reference so it’s pretty much untouchable).

But it’s not enough to tell me I need approximately six new snowboards, 17 jackets and a handful of new goggles (Notice how I didn’t say boots? Fuck it, only one of those things is blood soaked, so the Ambush still have a few good years left in them). Apparently there is other shit I’m supposed to be being buying as well. Most noticeably “after riding shoes.”

Turns out those beat down dunks, that my feet can slide in and out of without effort, aren’t good enough anymore. MFers what me to actually buy shoes to wear when I get done. Like I don’t just wear my boots into the bar.

Who am I trying to impress? Some ski racer moms? Dudes in turtlenecks?

I thought that is why they put bars at ski areas—so you have friends to look ridiculous with, after you’ve taken your third run of the day. Everyone looks like foolz so it’s all okay.

But it seems I supposed to be wearing these special after riding shoes. And they have names like The Off Mountain Series or the Adidas Blauvelt.

I took this image direct from Snowboarder mag dot com. They even awarded the AdiJBs “Gear of The Day”, which I assume means it was delivered first and came with a promise to buy ad space, of which there is plenty. That’s probably a plus as 40 percent of the sales are going to dudes stoked on confusion as they think thank they’re getting Jesse Burtner’s signature shoe.

The good thing about the AdiJBs is they look like actual hikery boots, so you can feel rugged to fuckall when figuring out that they look like shit with everything you own. Plus, they come in various colors. Too bad they don’t come in other styles.

Nike’s in the game as well:

I stole that pic from MODA3’s instergramps© feed. Check that shit out. Brought to you by the people who brought you Nike Snowboarding brought to you by the people who brought you Nike Skateboarding brought to you by the people who brought you Nike Soccer brought to you by the people who brought you Nike Bike brought to you by the people who brought you Nike Hockey brought to you by the people who brought you Nike Golf brought to you by the people who brought you Nike High School Wrestling brought to you by the people who brought you MegaJocks

Fuck it at least they’re paying Gigi, Nico and Hadar (Call me girl. You got my number, right?)

But you know who was on this tip 20 years ago? Airwalk. Aftaboots. I wasn’t anywhere near old enough to open my throat and slug back 5 bloody marys and ¾ pack of smokes and I knew after riding gear was goofy then too.

Contradicting myself: You wanna know who did it best? Gravis, with the Cue. Bring that shit back and I’ll buy a lifetime supply.

Lets step away from the shred world for a minute.

This exists:

FUCK NO.
Here’s a great gift: 4000 calories, rotten teeth and at least a week’s worth of questioning your sexuality. On the candy front I think this would be perfect for WhyB, but I’m not here to talk about  the candy. Let’s talk about the marketing. Sure, there was the one dick joke in the ad, but we’re better than that. Let’s get beyond the euphemisms and market this thing for the purpose it was intended.

I don’t claim to be a marketing genius. In fact, as of late I’m nothing more than a cut-rate editor. SUCK IT CLIENTS. But I can tell you there is no need for a youtube video here. Just run this image:

Tagline: Rots teeth, morals.

Then simply set it up with a webcam page.
It will sell.

Lumpy Bonus Roll

2012-41: The At-Home Oddities Museum

Friday, April 20th, 2012

1nd: Reject

I’m not a writer. I mean, sure I type words and make marks with pens and pencils, but I’m more of an ideas man. It’s only because of my crippling lisp that I have to use words to communicate my genius. Thus, I am a writer, not a lecturer. And as a writer I have become accustomed to the ever-popular “rejection.” Both from ladies and literary outlets.

Today, I present you with my latest idea, communicated through words, that has been rejected from the pages of Real Simple magazine

Dear Real Simple Editors:
It’s been a while, eh chums? Before I progress with my surefire piece, I must apologize for the balloons filled with duck urine. It seemed like harmless prank at the time. And who could have predicted they would burst? On your new couch made of popsicle sticks and collected cat hair no less. If any amount of money could replace such a one-of-a-kind item I would certainly offer it.

But, on to more pressing matters. Below you will find easy-to-follow instructions for the creation of an Oddities Museum at home. I’m sure your readers will love it!

  • Fill a Mason jar with formaldehyde, add a pair of Oakley Blades. Label this “Abe Lincoln’s Sunnies!”
  • Fill a Mason jar with formaldehyde, add all of the fortune cookie fortunes you have collected from that take-out place around the corner over the past six months. Label this “Chinese New Year.”
  • Hang a picture of your father before he turned to drug use to escape the horrors that were his life. In this picture he is playing flag football. You suspect he might be in fourth or fifth grade. The frame is cheaply made of plastic. Label this “Lil Superstar.”*
  • Fill a Mason jar with formaldehyde, add Lo Pan. Label this “Lo Pan.”
  • Fill a Mason jar with formaldehyde, add a baby (a doll would work here as well). Label this “Dubstep.”
  • Fill a Mason jar will with formaldehyde, and add Zooey Deschanel. Label this “The Shittiest Version of the 1960’s We Could Come Up With in the Early 2000s.”
  • Fill a Mason jar with formaldehyde, add A VHS tape of Dances With Wolves that has been taped over to record the 1992 Grammy Awards pre-show. (TimeSavers Tip!™: You needn’t really tape over this Kevin Costner classic, you can just say you did. No one actually has a VCR with which to prove you wrong anyway. Real museums use this technique all the time with things like dinosaurs). Label this “American History.”
  • Fill a Mason jar with formaldehyde, add a man riding a bike with no hands. But you need to be sure the man has no hands. I mean, that’s what makes it the oddity. Label this: “Blood Sport.”
  • Fill a mason jar with formaldehyde. Label this “Kombucha, essentially.”
  • Fill a mason jar with formaldehyde, add a shark. Label this “The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living: the remix.”

* This piece is on loan from your grandmother.

Thanks guys. Please be sure to let me know when you’re publishing this one. I’m smelling Pulitzer!

Sincerely,

Greg from Rumorator.com

2st: Happy Birthday Marijuana

Pretty much the best Promo you’re going to see today.

And here’s some weed talk.

English Lessons

Tuesday, November 22nd, 2011

1rd

It happens every so often that snowboarding (the media, the industry, or even the act itself) tries to convince us that there is something going on in the UK. I’m pretty sure the powers that be over there are were thinking, “well I guess it’s time to make another run at this snowboarding game.” I mean it must kill them to think snowboarding is just one more thing the Scandinavians are better than them at doing. Add it to the list:

• Exploration without wiping out autochthonous culture.
• Fjords
• Fjolklore
• Automobile manufacturing
• Church burning
• And now snowboarding too

They’ve tried quite hard to convince us UK shredding was real. They have magazines about it. They have Matt Barr. And it only makes sense. In the grand “Keep Snowboarding Rich and White” theme, OF COURSE the UKers would be involved somehow. Those MFers know racism and classism. You would know this if ever listened to an album from the Streets, or watched Precious: A movie based on the novel Push, by Sapphire. Stay focused on the shred though. To me, the only rider out of the UK with staying power has been Jenny Jones.

Then I did a little research and found out she is only #3 in the realm of UK shredlegends. I was looking down the list, not recognizing any names until I came to The Real Jenny Jones. I was thinking, “Who the fuck could possibly be bigger?” Part of me was convinced they were going to claim Terry Hawkenson as their own.

Instead I’m confronted by Steve Bailey in #2. I remember that dude. On the Division 23 team. Blasting monster shifties and rocking chain wallets and maybe white dreads if I remember correctly. Oh shit, that was Steve Blakely. I was way off. I have no clue who #2 nor #1 is.

But this latest push is crazy. They send over Jamie Nicholls to win some rail jam in Tokyo. This dude was raised on dry slopes. He’s never actually been on real snow. I imagine he was like the tour guide I in had in Hawaii asking what snow was like—“Can your animals go outside in it?” It must have blown his mind to have to wear a jacket and snow specific pants. WHAT ARE THESE THINGS I AM SLIPPING OVER MY HANDS? GLUVS? Then again, he probably just associated it with Japan. That place is wacky.

Really though, the kid rips.

2st

Fun fact: Jamie Nicholls is represented by Octagon. I wonder if the people at Octagon feel cheated whenever they see the previews for the ABC show Revenge. I like the idea of Octagon-ers thinking, “Those MFers just heisted our “8 as G” motif. And they’re using a serif font as well.”

To make matters worse that show looks like a crap hybrid of The Fugitive and Desperate Housewives. Blah blah blah strong female lead. Whatever. It supposedly takes place in the Hamptons, but there is a serious lack of talk about the hard luck that has fallen on the fishermen. No talk about how they can’t sell no stripers. No luck in swordfishing out there.

3th
Small business Saturday. At first I was not backing this at all. Some fucking corporate propagated do-gooderism-autofellatio. But then I found out my local shop, MODA3, was involved. I still think it’s corporate crap, but if there is a way I can take advantage of it, I’m going to. It works like this.

1. Register your American Express card. Just do it. They know everything you spend money on already, so why not take advantage of this little perk.
2. Buy a new tee-shirt or beanie or whatever it is you’re aching for, but spend $25 and toss a little money at one of the raddest shred and streetwear shops in the Midwest. Fuck it, they might be the raddest. PERIOD!
3. Get a $25 credit from Amex. SNAPPED! Free t-shirt or beanie or 420kit or just $25 off those killer Stussy vests.

Still corpo to fuckall, but at least you can support a good shop. So whatever I guess.
Laterzzzz.

Voter Depression. Or, Sheep!

Wednesday, September 14th, 2011

Hey it’s that time of year. Time to squawk the vote. I‘m not talking about politics, this is not nearly as important. But just like politics, and Dancing With the Stars, it doesn’t really matter how you vote, the lame-os tend to win and your shit gets fucked anyway.

So with that, you should probably get over to the Shepherd Express and vote for the best of Milwaukee.

Start your voting off with:

C’mon. Fucking For Real? Best place to pick up your shit rag print medium. I guarantee every one voting for this category picks the BP station on Bluemound in Brookfield. Lame-ass suburbanites. They pick up the old ShepEx to see what people in the city are doing, and to feel edgy. CAN YOU BELIEVE THEY HAVE A COMIC CALLED “LIFE IN HELL.” WE CALL IT “LIFE IN HECK” IN MY HOUSE. The only people who even pick up this paper in the city are those looking to do a crossword puzzle while they opt to get truckhoused alone at Red Dot. I know this.

Whatever establishment wins this category, I will drop by that joint every week and piss all over their stacks of shepex papers.

It’s like the USA Today and Legends of Rock magazine had a child on a local level.

Lets move on:

What funny is 4 seasons is a skateboard park. For skateboardering, and I guess theoretically, rollerblading with your mom. The rest of those going are for ice skating. Genius. Shitbags.

Keep it going

Menswear

My boys at MODA3, have got some stiff competition: JCPenny, Jos A. Banks, Urban Outfitters. This is great list as I’ve been looking for some new Union Bay jean shorts. I’m also pretty well surprised Kohl’s isn’t on the list. That’s where 90% of this city goes to get their khakis for casual Fridays or weddings, depending on your place in the caste.

Don’t stop

A Master’s in Geography

You do realize UW-Madison and Northwestern are not in Milwaukee. And Kaplan and University of Phoenix are not real schools, right? And Carroll College is in republican Waukesha so that’s not really an option. Which leaves you with 4 of the original nine. Granted they are 4 legit schools, it doesn’t make it okay for the ShepEx to pump out hackwork.

Services Rendered

This pages is the best. I hope the ShepEx has soft hands for all the dick rubbing they are doing with these categories.

Honestly no one, NO ONE, has a favorite internet provider, cell phone provider, or lawyer. What people have is the one they are stuck with. They have they got hooked up with when they were 19 and living outta the dorms for the first time, or when the one with the coolest phone at the time their last contract was up, or they had to call when the police wanted to search their house because they had a basement of weed. But all are willing to take your money. At least the lawyer provides some sort of legit service.

I think it’s pretty clear who pays the bills at the ShepEx.

DOS

Here’s a little something brighten your day:

Where you been all week?

Tuesday, May 3rd, 2011

Whoa, it’s mega catch-up time. I should have written this yesterday but I was detained by the TSA. I figured since Osama was taken out of the equation it would be totally cool for me to fly with a 5 gallon bucket of paint thinner.

I was wrong.

Which leads me to item number one: If we are now in a heightened state of a terrorism warning, weren’t we better off with this boogey man alive. I’m not saying that the dude deserved to have a happy life with a harem of middle eastern whores taking care of him. But what did we gain by assassinating him? We’re still burdened with the Patriot Act, the TSA, and the legacy of two Bush-Cheney terms.

Then we also got deal with crowds of people out in the street chanting “USA USA!” Consider this: If anyone of those crowds would have had Bin Laden’s body, what would have the scene looked like? Would the people be body passing the corpse, ripping the clothes off and waiting for him to land on the ground so they could spit and piss all over it?  That seems way too much like what has been done to the bodies of American soldiers by the crowds in the countries our military is occupying. We are trained to believe the people of the middle east are savages and we need to make their lives better. But it seems the only difference is our crowds are lacking a corpse to desecrate.

I keep thinking that people are better than this, but humanity keeps letting me down.

Part 2: New tunes

Get with this pleasant sound coming out of Minneapolis:
Edmund by fatheryouseequeen

C’mon, the band’s name is Father You See Queen. I can get down with this.

In other music notes. The new Beastie Boys album is out today. You should probably all get it. If for no other reason than it’s the Beastie Boys. Go get it now.

Part 26.1

I was up in the northland this weekend because my friends EDK and Hinx were running a marathon. So much respect to them. In all honesty I watched the crowd of 1800 take off and never once saw them. I also had to duck out before they finished. What I did see was people who could barely walk, crossing a finish line. Including one  dude who had to squat down and walk across the finish backwards. Why would people do that to themselves? Weirdos.

I saw their kids too. Rad kids for sure.
I also ingested two of the worst cappuccinos ever. It seems people from the norf don’t know how to pull espresso shots.

I also gave a dollar to this Riverwest looking broad:

All she told me was, “You’re fucked.” At least when the Chinese tell me that, I get a cookie to chomp on.

Fuck a roof rack:

I took this photo at 80mph.

I’m going to let you decide what caption to give this nest image, but I’m giving three examples to get you started:

1. This is where we keep the horses.
2. Last time I saw something like this I woke up with it in my bed.
3. They used to have another very similar to this, but it was a full length one of Solo.

Part 4: Snowboarding

I thought for sure Volcom being sold to the parent company of Gucci was going to be the biggest news in snowboarding yesterday. Then I saw this:

Fuck. Good god.

I’m pretty sure the pants shown at 3:58 are what Keylo wears to summer shows at Alpine.

Part 5

Speaking of Keylo, check out the new shirts the boys just put out.

They actually put out a whole new spring line-up, I just happen to like this one the most. Check ‘em out and order ‘em up here

Jussi vs. Rumorator: the cover up

Wednesday, November 17th, 2010

You regular readers, you know how it was supposed to go down. Jussi was going to drop into town, there was going to be a lot of shit-talking and he was going to kick my ass in table tennis. Right? I know that’s what Chimichangasandsnow was saying. I know that’s what Brooke over at Yobeat was saying. Shit, even the Brit Babies over on Powderroom were talking about ‘mericans and their weakness on the tables.

You could say there was some pressure on me. It’s cool though, my game is tight under pressure. Sure I sweat a little more. My tourettes may step up to the next level . But I am 150% game-the-fuck-on. So I did some warming up. I had a table installed in the estate. I brought in Jan-Ove Waldner for some lessons. I thought he would be best because he has fewer travel restrictions, and if I was going to be taking on a Finn I thought a Swede would be an excellent mentor. I couldn’t come into this match playing sino-style. It had to be scanner 100%.

So game day comes I’m ready to play it. We’re in the shop. And I’m eyeballing Jussi. Letting him know his time has come. When suddenly BOOM! Out of know where Billy shows up. Apparently Billy works for Burton and he said to me, “Listen Bro, We’re all down for this game, but you gotta let Jussi win. We trust you understand the implications of this match. And in return for your ‘relaxed game play’ we’re willing to give you this sticker, a DVD copy of the Liftline.tv promo, and you can visit our website, www.burton.com, as many as eight times a week for the remainder of the year.”

Billy. Remember this face.

I was pushing for him to throw in a romantic dinner with Amanda W, who help set this whole thing up, but I couldn’t get it Billy to agree with it.

Game time. I came out playing soft. My usual routine: eating a couple McRibs and Double Downs with one hand while my amazing, fool-smoking paddle was smoking fools in my other hand. And I watched Jussi play a couple games— the dude seems okay. But he wasn’t ready. I knew the match was going to get ugly.

So I said “Jus-dog what do you say we play with our shoes. I noticed you’re rocking a fine pair of vulc soles and here I am in my NewBs, with their aggressive, athletic sole. This might just level the playing field a bit more.”

This agreement was agreed upon and the game was on. I tried to play loose, yet Billy kept snagging my attention and signaling for me to turn it down a notch. But I couldn’t. When you play table tennis at the level I do, you can’t just turn it down. I can’t just play at a “slightly above average” level. So I played. And I crushed Jussi.

This is pretty serious when you beat someone you’ve looked up for so long. It reminded me of the time in 2nd grade when I beat my father in arm wrestling. His paralyzed arm limp on the table. I think I heard his DTC01 voice synthesizer say, “I’m proud of you, son.”

Of course Billy was not happy about this. I thought he had gotten over it later in the night, after I tried to give him a Spanish waitress as a gift. But then he asked if he could see the video. I obliged and the dude made a move for the door, hopped in a cab and was gone. I got an email from him on Monday morning saying he was going to edit the film for me. And then this is the video I get back:

Jussi Oksanen Vs. Rumorator Von Rumorstein from MODA3 on Vimeo.

Now I’m not gonna say the video was selectively edited, but lets go over the facts here:

  • We don’t see Jussi score any points.
  • We do see jussi not clear the net one time.
  • I have much better style than Jussi.

Yet the score says 2-o in Jussi’s favor.

I’m not gonna say with was flipped and chopped by the magicians at Burton, but look again. Do you trust this face:

ps. Billy still owes me $30

The Jussi vs Rumorator precap #3

Friday, November 5th, 2010

Top Secret Jussi Training Video:

This does not bode well for the Finn. Tiring after a few seconds? certainly I will wear him down by soft-playing a few longer rallies.
Meanwhilst, Let’s take a look at my training regimen. I’m on this shit like P-90X and creatine:

New Line from a man on Vimeo.

You tell me who’s ready.

Jussi vs Rumorator Precap #2

Thursday, November 4th, 2010

The hype is growing around the Jussi vs Rumorator Table Tennis ’10 match of the friggin’ year. Saturday At SPiN Milwaukee. It will be huge.

I can only imagine that people are starting to place bets. Wagers are waged. It’s probably falling pretty heavily in my favor right now. I can understand that. But I think I really need to level the playing field, so I’ve compiled these stats:

Jussi Oksanen


Age: 31
Experience: Travels the world to snowboard. World Class Athlete.
Movie Parts: Optigrab, Afterbang, Follow Me Around, Bigga B videos, and countless other bangers.
Awards: 1998 Finnish Olympic team, 3 Air and Style Podiums, 4 Global Open Podiums, 4 World Snowboarding Championship Podiums. 3 X-games podiums.
Strengths: The dude is a professional athlete. Slays mountains, parks and everything else. Probably has amazing hand-eye coordination.
Weaknesses: He’s got a shaky knee.

Rumorator

Age: Fat
Experience: Went to Chicago once. Red Dot Trivia Host.
Movie parts: Un-credited extra in No God No Master (Unreleased).
Awards: 2nd Place Wisconsin Academic Decathlon–Economics.
Strengths: Rides a bike. Booze.
Weaknesses: Fear of Alligators.

Study up folks.

Sharks or Jets.

Jussi vs. Rumorator: Ready yourself

Wednesday, November 3rd, 2010

The match of the year is on. Rumorator vs. Jussi Oksanen. Table tennis. Ping pong to the lay MFers. Shit’s about to get raw. Official rules. Update your Facebook. Flash your twitter. Officially ruling. These games are going best of five, all the way to eleven.

I understand that some of you might not know who Jussi is. And I feel bad for you. Jussi is legend. He comes from the long line of snowboarders who make this silly little snowboarding things we do so rad. Plus the guy is all smiles. PLUS 2 The guy runs a water bottle company because he knows that plastics are stupid (por ejemplo: Ron Johnson). Sneak a peek at the visual aid:

Granted it’s not one of his company’s bottles, but the deuce hanging out there, that’s all Jussi. If you want to get a little more info him, check this out his blawg. That’s right. It’s Jussi Oksanen man, myth, legend and bloggerman. But everyone is a bloggerman/bloggermama these days so maybe you’d rather watch this pleasant little piece put out by Bigga B.

Luckily I’ve got the hometown advantage. I’ve got Keylo and Jake running the coaching staff. Mixing up jock-smoothies for me in the morning. Doing work-outs. 500 reps on the work-out machines. Deep tissue massages from Keef after hours. This is Sparta training.

I’m getting ready. Stretching, watching vids of of Jussi’s old matches, Picked up a new Butterfly 7275 Primorac Carbon fl. Getting ready to snap off a couple wins. I’m predicting Rumorator in four matches: 11-4, 11-6, 9-11, 11-0. You see how I toyed with him. Imma let him take match 3, then crush his dreams like he was a fat kid with a sympathy date on prom night.

Like I would know anything about that.

Anyway, Be There: SPiN Milwaukee Saturday Night

Day of the Dead

Tuesday, November 2nd, 2010

For real, go vote. But once you’re done with that, remember it’s el dia de los muertos. I was explaining to Mil-one that I was hoping to seen a parade of 5000 souls parading through the city. Banging drums, clanging bells, da-lang-a-langing anything that da-lang-a-langs. This is immigrant grit, get with it. Whose America? Who’s America?

Part 2: Now we’re gonna talk about a Unimog.

Sadly, Kingvale closed it’s doors this fall. I suddenly regret all those days around Tahoe, when I said I’ll get there next time. My understanding was it was a great place to see shit go down, plus the founders were Midwest kids. However if you really want to find the silver lining in this situation, it’s that this rawdog is back on the market:

Granted it’s no 416 with a modified cabin, but it’s still legit.

Thrice: What are you doing on Saturday?

Maybe you should plan on this:

And spread this around right now: I’m challenging Jussi to a game of ping pong. That’s right Jussi Oksanen. I’m calling you out! Step up to the table bro. We’re gonna get down.