Normally I would object to any event that shuns vowels, but I’m gonna make an exception here.

2st
that all I got right now

1th Smells like inaccuracy

Everyone knows that Switzerland is a direct democracy. That’s not freedom. Freedom is a Constitutional Republic. I mean the Switzerlanders are money-hiders and watchmakers and socialist. So socialist in fact, I bet that Commie Pinko bastard, G Machots is getting wild over them. They probably don’t even vote.

Next time I buy a deodorant scented like freedom, I had damn well better be able to pop the cap off, take a deep breath and suck in the scent of rusted-out factories, pissy alleyways, and some good mood food.

2st Asia Born

I got to catch Lyrics Born play the Orton Park Festival. It was cool for several reasons. It was outside. It was dark. There were $4 Labatt Blues. It was free.

The show was really quite good. LB is fucking steady. He puts on a wicked show with mega-energy just radiating from he and Joyo on the stage.  I think people nearby may even testify to having seen old Rumorator give the show a little Ka-lang-a-lang. But none of them can prove this.

My favorite part of the show was seeing the banners on the stage he was performing on. I suspect he must have taken one look at it and thought “ Heartland CU! These dudes know how to party!”

3nd

Winter is coming. So is the new Holden line. I hope.

4rd

You got one of these rigs?

You should. It fucking eliminated everything. Food Processor? It’s got’s that attachment. Blender? Gonezo. Coffee Grinder? Now used specifically for weed. Toaster? Fuck that thing. Fleshlight? You gotta live on the edge sometimes.

Seriously get one. I’ve been a smoothie machine because of it. Also puree-ing kohlrabi, carrots, beets and the list goes on. I’m drinking more liquified foods than your gramma with no teeth. For real, get one.

BONUS!

If you’re on the twitters you might want to follow BonIverBlows. The dude is pissed up about music.

We’re going to start with the fact that this morning I was told I look like this dude:

NO WAY DUDE. NO WAY. You can go back to eating your Jimmy Johns sandwhich. Last time I had one of those was the last time I was in college. I never checked the ingredient list, but it seems that they may have put some poop on it. Chip says feces is their secret ingedient. Gross.

But really guy, I’m not looking like that poster. When was the last time you saw me riding sans hood? Maybe that Dub Jacket in 96? Maybe that same Dub Jacket in 2000? That thing had like 5000 name hits on it. Unstoppable. I was trying japan airs off spines that one winter, wearing that hoodless beast.

And those gloves over the coat? When was the last time you saw me riding with gloves ove the coat? Maybe those Burton Universe gloves in 96? Maybe those same Burton Universe gloves in 2000? That things had like 2 name hits on ‘em. Unstoppable. I was trying japan airs off spines that one winter, wearing those gauntletted bitches.

Otherwise that’s picture is spot on.

Article 2

I’ve been listening to Flashlight, the extended version, like it was 96 and I wearing a hoodless Dub jacket with Universe gloves and  just discovered Jorge Clinton. But I think we all now that when you turn this ipod on it goes directly to Devo “Uncontrollable Urge.”

Section 3 seat 9

New paint on the Team Rumorator bike. That shit wins races.

Quads

Quints Paste

Whistler: 16 days

Mucho agua clara going on here. Fucking fantastic show. Saw so many old heads. Good to see the grind is finally paying off for them. I was enjoying it because it’s really great music. Then this girl comes out:

She and Noyes duo-slaughter it on this one. This pic is even radder because Ryan Olson is in the back making it. Half way through the show he’s back there smoking cigs. Breaking laws. Reckless. This whole thing gets hyped up as JV creation but once you get into, you can tell it’s so heavily influence by RO and where his musical adventures have taken him. Whatever. Really really good.

Runner Up

Looks like a typical Dodge Neon, correct? Plus a little towing information. Standard for the beer city. But look again.

Boom!

The Green Bay special edition.

Now I have one more thing to really dislike about that town, I mean apart from the entire fucking city just not making sense.

Right now Mofaniel is thinking about giving the Finnsta up for adoption because he’ll never have what seems to be an M&M’s nascar jacket with “Finnsta” printed on the back.

I can understand his disappointment.

But at least P-Nut is a proper friend and hooks his homies up with some tail of there own at the end.

Gayngs – One More Try (Feat Har Mar Superstar) by theQuietus

You’re probably gonna wanna to see this act on the 29th.

Photo credit to Graham Tolbert

So much Agua Clara. Thirsts are Quenched.

Let’s watch:

Now we’re going to go through this one together. Remember to turn the page when you hear the magic magnet chime.

1. “Magic in the air. Comradery (camaraderie?), family, love”–C’mon really. This is how you follow up calling magnets miracles? Fuck, boss. I’ve been to music festivals and they always suck 4 hours into them, after you see your high school art teacher drunk and fighting kids younger than you in “the pit.” jocko/juggalo. Same mentality.
2. You’ll meet people from everywhere which includes Minnesota, Connecticut, and Nova Scotia? Sounds like there are going to be a lot of white folks there.
3. “You’ll Probably get laid.” I’m pretty sure Mel Gibson just got in heaps of trouble for essentially saying the same thing to his  girlie. Okay maybe he had a different inflection in his voice, but you get the picture.
4. “The one and only Awesome Dre” sheeeeeeeeeit. I promise you he did not get that name anywhere but the internets. I can also give you at least six reasons I don’t think DUDE is awesome.
5. SUGAR SLAM IS BACK! looking a bit more haggard and taking up a little more room on that car seat. If you know what I’m saying.
6. An ode to the Wild Wild West, with no mention of Dru Hill or the Fresh Prince?
7. “Smash through the glass as the fireworks blast.” Don’t worry there is only 16 minutes left. WOOP WOOP!
8. Psycopathic Rydas RYDAS! Don’t give up now. Stay with me. Something makes me suspect these guys write their own music.
9. Blaze Ya Dead Homie, doesn’t seem very dead to me. Then again I don’t think Juggalos are to be trusted with their “your/you’re” usage.
10. Boondox such a pseudonym seems rather unrelated to being a scarecrow. Not a lot of farming going on in the Boondocks.
11. Anybody Killa I think this might be Greg Machotka’s rapping pseudonym. Sounds like him anyway. Lispy fucker. Actually I bet GM could do better rapping. This is so shitty.
12. No one has been talking about the Dayton Family.
13. Naughty By Nature, Method Man and Redman. And we’re just getting warmed up! Method Man is to WuTang Clan as  David Lee Roth is to Van Halen.
14. Tom Green is still alive. I guess that’s a good thing. Also, he slept with Drew Barrymore.
15. Gallagher, because it seems Tom Green isn’t past-his-prime enough. Juggalos, maybe your parents will come along. You can all paint up your faces together.
16. “He does have good dick jokes.” At this point Sugar Slam pretty much knows she’s getting laid at the end of this infomercial, whether she wants it or not.
17. Brotha Lynch Hung wishes he was from Fillmore or Vallejo. Guaranteed.
18. Enormous heroes Sounds like a couple of fat dudes. I would rather see Down By Law.
19. Warren G obviously had some influence in the videos made by this lot.
20. Ladies Night on the second stage. Because they are second class citizens? Nope. Because there will only be like 25 females in attendance. Probably a fair amount of swervin’ going on though. Same thing, right?
21. Afroman and Coolio will be there. Kevin Smith and Michelle Pfeiffer will not.
22. For real, there seems to be an overweight white guy theme all over this.
23. And I do mean everything. Get this dude an Oscar!
24. Good to see they have helicopter rides again this year, and even used the same piece of stock footage.
25. The Alfred Hitchcock of Hiphop Hmmm, so you’re  saying he white and overweight too?
26. Fuck that midget has a head like a Beluga Whale.
27. Bubble Foam Party Again you’re probably going to get laid.
28. Dammit They just said Milwaukee.
29. Wrestling
30. Something about a movie
31. Tickets available at Hot Topic. Obviously

Huge thanks to Cizarek Leopold Kilbaski for bringing this to my attention.

Okay, if you hung out through that let me try to make things a little bit better for you. Nowhere is coming.

I just hope they don’t put any music from The Who in it this year.

I also hit up my old stomping ground bike and snowboard shop. Twas good. Always nice to see the guys who have backed me in skateboarding/snowboarding/biking since I was like 12. Not that snowboards, skateboards or bikes were invented when I was 12, but you get the point. And I got connected with a slick, new jersey. That’s a new jersey, as in unused, not guido. I swear to christ the Vosko family is that state’s only redeeming quality.

Friday night SASMETS instructs me to attend a music show with him. Shit. I haven’t seen live music in several minutes. He described it as good old Americana jug-band music. Sheeeeeit. MFer I once waited in line for 3 hours, with 400 40-yr old women to get Lyle Lovett tix, so I can hang. The band was the Gentle Guest. That’s a pretty garbage barge band name for a couple reasons: 1. I forgot it about 50 times already. 2. I personally don’t like it. Anyway, it was The Gentle Guest’s CD release party and to celebrate they organized a pub crawl, during which the band carried their instruments and threw impromptu shows in bars. Pretty stellar idea. I only made it to the last bar.

It was about 2 minutes into their set that I realized SASMETS had lied to me. Sure this band might be americana on CD but their live show was kind of like an assault. But not the kind you’re going to call the police regarding. You’re going to hold this assault some place special, for those days when you need some help passing the time, and internet connection is down. But back to the band. The best I can describe their live show is to liken it to a young Waylon Jennings backed by Man-Man. For real, they had a singer guitarist, a slide-guitar, bass, keys, 2 trombones, a drummer, and one dude who just played one drum and maracas. And of the eight members on stage, 5 were shirtless. Of those five, none of them should’ve have been. But fuck it you know, the songs were loud and completely escalated into chaos on stage. The way good, loud, fast music is supposed to.  If you want to check out this band, hear their more subdued studio work, and maybe suggest a new name check them out here: The Gentle Guest.

Day 2: if there is something northern Wisco really loves, it’s ridiculous humidity. I was attending a family reunion. Not the von Rumorstein’s but the side of the family from Jamestown. I spent most of the afternoon slugging Lagunitas and thinking my cousin Maria’s baby has the largest head I ‘ve ever seen on a child. I should have warned him he’s in for a lifetime of poor fitting hats and helmets. Then I played frisbee with el niece and el nephew and some 8-yr old relative who only barked when I spoke to her. Whatever, at least she wasn’t a blood relative. Five minutes into this game I’m sweating buckets. It was probably the most exercise I’ve gotten in seven years.

After that I drove along to the Mississippi to chill out and make jokes about small towns. Por ejemplo:

A couple things about this picture: 1. Cream is the worst name for a collection of people since The Gentle Guest. 2. There is no way you would turn left to get to this supposed community of Cream. I know this because if you go left, you run directly into bluffs. and there are no roads though that shit. How do I know? I stopped at the local outfitters, hired a sherpa and scaled those MFin bluffs. Also, my “sherpa” was rather unfriendly. It could be that he was not a sherpa, simply a man of Lao decent who preferred to be called “Joe.” None the less I called him  Tenzing the whole time and had him carry my shit so I could get the top and snap this picture. Then I rode down on his back.

You see that land off in the distance? That’s Minnesota. Lutheran country over there. There be dragons.

por ejamplo:

A couple issues ago it was about “women to watch” and no they weren’t talking about internet cam-girls. But one of the broads was this lady:

and only a few pages away we get :

Okay, so Ms. Wang’s job is to sell ad space for ABC. To bring in money. Yet ABC is probably spending money to get this ad into Ad Age. It must go down like this:

PR Firm: Ad Age, you should put Ms. Wang in your “Women to Watch.”
Ad Age: Who the fuck is Ms. Wang?
PR Firm: Doesn’t matter, we’ll buy a full page ad celebrating her achievement.
Ad Age: Fuck yeah. She’s in. So you pickin’ up the tab for this dinner?
PR Firm: Well, I think ABC is. GARCON! two more Johnny Walker blues and a couple of hookers please.
(Ad Age and PR Firm laugh in unison, Ad Age squeezes a breast of one the hookers)

Really it seems the one to watch was the PR firm for ABC that said we need to hype this broad so we can charge ABC for another ad, and don’t worry we won’t spend a dime on creative. Because Ad Age ads are the worst ads every produced. This is a fact.

Funny thing is, a bunch of these women to watch had self-serving ads. And they were all pretty shitty.

Part 2

Sorry for that ad rant. It seems A-man is the only one who cared to answer the trivia questions. He did fairly well.

Part 3

Another one from TeddyToothtaker

I should really just hand over the blog to that dude at this time. But really that video is pretty sick. There is nothing I don’t agree with in there.

Part 4

Mexico and France time.