Posts Tagged ‘Olympics’

Shradtalk Times

Thursday, November 17th, 2011

Mega shrad in the news this week. So lets make sure we got it correct.

1. Putting the FIS in fisting, or Ski Down

I was pretty sure this was settle in nine-ocho when Terje was like “Olympics, yeah, I’m not doing that dude.” But then we had Ross Power doing monster amplitude methods and we all kinda looked the way. Then suddenly  it was 12 years later and Sean Blanco was claiming quad-corks and such. But the big this was that every one kinda forgot Snowboarding in the olympics was run by skiers.

Now that dark secret is back in the spotlight. The FIS has decided they know how to host slopestyle events. Nevermind the fact the a organization run by snowboarders, with experience hosting, ranking and judging contests was totally willing to work with them to make sure slopestyle wasn’t 100% worthless when it landed in the world stage. But off course the skiers said, “Fuck off.”

Now there seems to be a boycott brewing. I’m curious to see how this plays out. However it goes down, the key to remember is that skiers are dumb and you can never trust them.

2rd: Skiing up

There’s a lot of noise getting made by splitboarders right now. These dudes. Please.

Flawsyfiles is all about it. My friend Moefaniel is all about it. These dudes are telling me about getting out there, “earning turns”  and speaking all these other hippie idioms. Meanwhile all I can think is “Bru, they made chairlifts for a reason. Bru, there are no handrails in the world of splittery. Bru, you got Voiles?”

Lets go over some other reasons that make splittering ridiculous:

  • Where are the fine as bitchezzz?
  • Where is the jocko dude in a turtleneck who brings me my beers?
  • I feel like a dick just tossing all these cigarette butts all over nature. That is really an additional level of guilt I don’t need.
  • Those boards are friggin heavy.
  • It’s still half skiing.

Oh and then there is this:

Which is pretty much this:

Which is pretty much this:

Sillykins.

3th: Fuck this

I need one more person in my twitter trough to hype this thing.

Probably not so good on the uphill.

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Posted in snowboardering | 1 Comment »

This One Goes Out To All The Catholic Girls…

Thursday, February 18th, 2010

I should have put this one up yesterday, but the olympics and a half-naked Chanelle Sladics got in the way. I’m coming up on this a day late, but it might work out for you. Maybe you have yet to decide what to give for lent. Well that’s where I come in. Check it:

C'mon pretty girl, it's time to give it up.

17 Great Things for Cafflicks to Give up For Lent

  • Chocolate
  • Red meat
  • All meat
  • Taking the elevator
  • Sacrificing protestant children
  • Milking the “look how cute I am in my school uniform” routine
  • Tipping
  • Coffee
  • Smoking
  • Your faith in god
  • That ass
  • Trying to please your grandmother
  • Letting the Heebrish act like they own guilt.
  • Taco Dip
  • Acting like you don’t like CSI: Miami
  • Pretending you don’t need to wax that upper lip.
  • Your purse
  • Your hopes and dreams.

OR if you need something more to read, check out my Olympic story for Yobeat.

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Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »

Knee Deep in the Olympics

Tuesday, February 16th, 2010

Maybe you all missed it whilst you were at home with one leg up on your couch trying to push your peep up your butt, but the Olympics started. In reality you haven’t missed much. Some toned down luge event. I think Christine Brennan talked to IOC into reducing the track because the lugers were going to fast. So everyone is puttering through that event. Apollo Ono still has his soul patch, and Lindsey Vonn still has a sore leg as well as a crap showing in Sports Illustrated. Bob Costas hasn’t aged in 73 years an I’ve been told he gained eternal youth by eating Dick Clark. It was also reported that one quarter of all the condoms used in the Olympic Village are used by Costas.

But there are some rad events going on too. Curling. So fucking legit. Biathlon. If all skiing was as rad as the biathlon I wouldn’t even shrad. But really the closest I have ever come was getting stoned one night at The Crystal Falcon’s house and playing Duck Hunt while standing on the Nordictrack. 

Of course the old halfpike events are coming up. It’s funny because last night my homey the_boss_of_you was claiming on chinese state television the Chinese are winning all the medals. I got a feeling that kind of ”media augmentation” will happen in the USA if Sean Blanco doesn’t win in the tube. But rightfully so, if the kid tosses down the CulebraBlanca  he’s going to be tough to beat.

But in the interest of making the Old-Limp-dicks a bit more entertaining I’m tossing up these suggestions from Brother Keith as he embarked on his journey to become the head of the IOC last night.

11 Ways to Make the Winter Olympics More Interesting

  • Install a stripper pole at center ice for all figure skating events.
  • Give all biathlon athletes snow camo and paintball (or BB) guns and make it a last man standing event.
  • All downhill ski racers have to fashion their own skis out of provided lumber and tools in 24 hours.
  • The luge will take place on plastic Coleco brand sleds and have jumps made out of hay bales.
  • Introduce same sex couples figure skating.
  • Ban nude colored spandex from figure skating uniforms.
  • Leave hockey just as it is.
  • Combine figure skating and curling into one super event where a skater gets tossed and dudes sweep her into a circle target.
  • Replace Bob Costas with @iamsalmasakela.
  • Incorporate a pow turn / method contest into snowboarding.
  • Add a full loop and maybe a corkscrew to the luge.

Also if you couldn’t decide what to get me for Valentine’s day, it’s not too late to grab this from my Celbrity friend

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Posted in I watch too much TV, Listed | 1 Comment »