Posts Tagged ‘Rhinelander’

2012-71: Northwardly Bound

Wednesday, October 10th, 2012

Part I: Hey Yo Hattie, Mind if I Borrow Your Whole Routine For a Minute?

My favorite enetz short person, Hattie, has this blog that dishes out neckpunches on the daily. It’s an entertaining read. Anyway, this one is straight up neckpunch-ish.

This line gets dropped all too often, doesn’t really matter where someone is on the spectrum, “Well socially I’m liberal, but personally I’m fiscally conservative…”

Oh really dude? You’re personally conservative with your own finances? That’s unbelievable. Because I’m a fucking bleeding heart liberal with my money. I paid $14 for a $6 sandwich because the poor need money and I’m liberal, WOOOHOOO. I gave 110% of my income to ASPCA, then scraped together a bit of change, bought some posterboard and made a sign to show my support for local barn

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You know who claims they are conservative with their own finances? These people:

  • Fucking “OMG BACON!” people
  • Fucking Replacement Ref shouters
  • Everyone who watches reality tv
  • Fucking everyone who liked “8 million likes for America”

Fuck you.

Actually, let’s dig deeper. You give 10% of your income to a church? Pre tax? And you know this organization keeps the boogeyman in your closet, hate minorities and women and probably still rapes children? And you give them 10%? You do realize you’re essentially giving 10% to fucking Ghost Hunters, right? Excellent fiscal conservatism right there.

Part II: This Place Certainly Isn’t Brackendale.

Rolled the clocked back about 20 years last weekend and drove The Silver Spurt directly into the northwoods. The final destination was T and T’s wedding celebrash in Iggle River.

But before arriving there, I had to pass through Hodag country. I’ve lived my whole life hearing stories of Rhinelander. A Pagan hamlet, where old timber folk families worshipped a fictional beast that seemed to be the lesser kin of the Chupacabra and the Tokoloshe. Legend was that they had even erected their own golden calf in the form of a giant Hodag statue where they worship every year when the rivers begin to thaw.

Proof of Hodag-ery:

An adolescent Hodag

BTW: It was totally homecoming weekend at the Hodag High School. I bet they really made those Blue Jays fly the fuck away. Also: Rumorator reflection.

This is C.Tommas Howl getting Hodagged by a full grown Hodag.

Coffee was needed by the time I arrived where Christianity fears to tread, so I was on the prowl for a hot cup. What I hadn’t considered is that once you enter the northwoods, people stop drinking acceptable coffee. I eventually had to stop at the Democratic Office to ask for advice. I figured those were my people. And It worked. Within moments I was sipping that sweet stuff.

Finally made it to Iggle River where snow was in the forecast. Also of note: the resort everyone was staying had a giant tent on the grounds. That was because the wedding reception was to be outside. Not a good weekend to wear my summer shoes.

The wedding was in a Cafflick Church. I knew it was cafflick because of the length mass of the mass, the presence of that sweet vixen Mary, and the way I felt uneasy in the church.

I got the best of them though:

By the time I was ready to leave Iggle River on Sunday, this was the only high-flyer I saw.

Then on the way out of town, I saw something in the sky above. I wasn’t positive at first, but when the beast lowered it’s wing and took a hard left, I saw the majestic white head. It was though the bird had said to me:

Iggle: “Rumorator.”
RvR: “Yes, white feather headed majestic one”
Iggle: “All is right in the world. I’m sorry you lost three toes to frostbite last night”
RvR: “I know. I know.”
Iggle: “Rumorator”
RvR: “Yes, white feather headed majestic one”
Iggle: “One more thing.”
RvR: “Yes”
Iggle: “USA! USA! USA!”

So I guess it was a pretty rad weekend.