Apparently I only blog on Mondays and Fridays now. WTF, right? Anyway, I think I made some sense on this riff on Sean Blanco.
Posts Tagged ‘Sean Blanco’
Hey kids, you wanna buy some naked pics of that snowboarder?
I have said it before and I will say it again: Sean Blanco is the next Gator. That blond is lucky she hasn’t been discovered stuffed in a surfboard sack and dumped behind the Burton Store in NYC. Then again she hasn’t been identified, so she could well be missing.
I also like the report that Senor Blanco was all like “C’mon guys, I’m a gold medalist. Erase those pics or Target is going to get pissed. C’mon guys, erase those pics, or I’ll dump your body with hers. C’mon guys please.”
They he turned to the unnamed blond and demanded $89,000 just for showing up in her vagina.
Meanwhile all the photosnappers were like, “Totally, Sean. Totally erased.”
Yeah right, YEAH RIGHT. The “it’s erased” line is just a reflex lie at this point. Like “No, I wasn’t sleeping” or “I only had two girl scout cookies”, ” or “Oh yeah I’ve been with tons of womens.” I remember lying to Lizzo from writing class about those pics being erased. And they were, after we copied them on to like ten computers. Those were the hottest 1.2 Megapixels images ever. But really “it’s erased” was first muttered 7 seconds after digital cameras were invented. It would have been sooner but those early cameras took forever to process anything.
Masticating factor: Shawn White is irrelevant to snowboarding.
Mega shrad in the news this week. So lets make sure we got it correct.
1. Putting the FIS in fisting, or Ski Down
I was pretty sure this was settle in nine-ocho when Terje was like “Olympics, yeah, I’m not doing that dude.” But then we had Ross Power doing monster amplitude methods and we all kinda looked the way. Then suddenly it was 12 years later and Sean Blanco was claiming quad-corks and such. But the big this was that every one kinda forgot Snowboarding in the olympics was run by skiers.
Now that dark secret is back in the spotlight. The FIS has decided they know how to host slopestyle events. Nevermind the fact the a organization run by snowboarders, with experience hosting, ranking and judging contests was totally willing to work with them to make sure slopestyle wasn’t 100% worthless when it landed in the world stage. But off course the skiers said, “Fuck off.”
Now there seems to be a boycott brewing. I’m curious to see how this plays out. However it goes down, the key to remember is that skiers are dumb and you can never trust them.
2rd: Skiing up
There’s a lot of noise getting made by splitboarders right now. These dudes. Please.
Flawsyfiles is all about it. My friend Moefaniel is all about it. These dudes are telling me about getting out there, “earning turns” and speaking all these other hippie idioms. Meanwhile all I can think is “Bru, they made chairlifts for a reason. Bru, there are no handrails in the world of splittery. Bru, you got Voiles?”
Lets go over some other reasons that make splittering ridiculous:
- Where are the fine as bitchezzz?
- Where is the jocko dude in a turtleneck who brings me my beers?
- I feel like a dick just tossing all these cigarette butts all over nature. That is really an additional level of guilt I don’t need.
- Those boards are friggin heavy.
- It’s still half skiing.
Oh and then there is this:
3th: Fuck this
I need one more person in my twitter trough to hype this thing.
Probably not so good on the uphill.
Around here the snow is long gone and all I’ve been smelling for the past few days is bike grease and mud. Seasons change, deal with it. I’ve got to figure out a way to lock Bloggie (Bey, buddy!) on the handle bars and take him for a few spins this year.
But before we get ahead of ourselves we should hit on some things:
First off, The Dirty Jerz just passed a law requiring kids under the age of 18 to wear helmets while snowboarding. I’m down for this. Snowboarding in NJ is hard, not difficult, but like concrete hard. It’s like Wisconsin but with more people out there riding. So you combine a greater number of people on the slopes with icy-as-balls hills and your going to end up with some brains rattling. So this should help. They won’t prevent every injury, but they will prevent a few. And in the case of head injuries this is a good thing. I also like that it’s for minors, once your over 18, do what you want. It’s like motorcyclism.
However, I would like to see a decent and affordable helmet program established. Snowboarding is expensive, and the last thing we need is to too keep people out because they can’t afford the $80 (or way more) piece of equipment that is required by law. This isn’t the leash law thing where you take the shoe lace out of your Vans, tie it around you ankle and show the liftie you have a leash. This is a serious piece of equipment with significant price.
Perhaps there needs to be a decent helmet rental program with that will actually show kids the proper way to wear a helmet. Nothing is worse that seeing some kid with an ill-fitting helmet and no skills, heading mach 5,straight for some other kid wearing an ill-fitter, who’s sitting down, eating snow, thinking about legos.
Helmets on concrete snow can be good, but we need to teach kids to use them and they need to be affordable. We should also explain to them that the more flair your helmet has the more it probably sucks. Also tell them Shaun White ruined snowboarding.
Also note: Super Republican governor adding more regulations. How does that work?
Hey, what’s up Dale!
I don’t really have a clue what Buoloco asked him, but I like that he just calls it as he sees it. The pro-model game has been dead for a few years. Want proof? When was the last time you saw a Jeremy Jones (Momo JJ, not Deeper Jeremy Jones) promodel in the wild? It was probably a Forum.
I mean except for Circe’s. I was always more of a Jennie Waara fan.
Also, I took that picture directly from Jake Blauvelt’s blog.
Still keeping my fingers secretly crossed for SIA. If it doesn’t happen, I have to mail some beers to This Guy. I’d rather pick up some free Silver Bullets from the Salomon booth and tell him I bought his beer. Then together we can go eyeball the ladies at the Nobis booth. NOBIS. Canadian. Not Nomis.
You know how you can tell the Olympics are crooked as fuck? They call the Dew Tour and the X-Games reputable. For real:
Just to get it straight, this excerpt came from TWsnowboarding. So really it’s TWsnow that thinks the X-Games and the Dew Tour are credible series of events. Maybe I’m wrong, but aren’t these invite-only events? There is no open format to them. It’s essentially like asking for input on labor unions at a meeting of the Fortune 500. For real if your sponsor is spending piles of money to promote you, you get to go. Blanco spends his off-time building houses in for Disney and trying to figure out where he’s going to dump the girl’s body when his Gator apprenticeship is complete, and the X-Games goes on fucking standstill to see if he announces to his facebook fans that he’ll be there.
The good news is that el Blanco “Likes” the X-Games.
Yet Andreas Wiig can’t get an invite?
On the other hand the Blanco, one of the best jock-pipe riders in all of snowboardering isn’t even playing in the dew tour, for the winter at least. It makes me wonder if Red Bull sponsors his snowboarding career, but not his skate endeavors.
Amendment 1: Key points to take from todays bloggery:
- This is the most editorial content TWsnow has put out since 1993. But they still kinda, sorta fucked it up.
- Blanco is gonna crack.
- The Credibility/Legit Scale looks something like this:
The FIS < Transworld Media < The IOC < X-Games < Dew Tour < Shayboarder < Nicholas Cage’s Career* < Snowboarding Companies as a whole < The Blanco < Rumorator.com < Omar < Anne-Flore Marxer
* Nicholas Cage’s career inserted as a fixed point for positioning.
The other day I tossed out a grip of ideas for smart people to use as Halloween costumes/lifestyle choices. Then Yobeat tells me “We’re going to crush your Halloween list.” And then they do it up with photos. Better? Sure but their concepts were hack. For example, this was supposed to be an Astronaut:
I think we all know a Transformer when we see one.
So I decided I really need to explain to Yobeat how it gets done. Follow along with me, and don’t forget to turn the page when you hear the chime.
7 BETTER-than-YOBEAT’s Costume Ideas for snowboarders.
- A FreeSkier: Get yourself a 10x polo and layer it with your 2Pac shirts. You know what I’m talking about. Those 2Pac Shirts you were running hard a couple years ago. When you were telling me about MFM being both an amazing snowboarder and a true businessman. Yeah those.
- A Bank Robber: Pretty much everyone is producing some kind of facemask these days, so this is pretty easy. But if you’re in North American I gotta suggest you use the Bataleon facemask because no one really has a clue about that company on this side of the pond.
- A World Champion: Take your shirt off, and walk around talking about how amazing you are. NEVER be seen with a snowboard.
- Bozung: Face tats. Do it.
- A Canadian: Canadians are almost exactly like USAers except their healthcare system has replaced their knees with high-tech nylon that allows them to go nonstop. This costume can be a little harder as you have to find opportunities to drop the words “Looney”, “Eh” and “Michalchuk”
- Donny Diamond: Again, another easy one. Canvas shoes, black denims, white v-necks and cigarettes. This also might be the most comfortable option. The downfall here is that everyone is going be confused because you don’t look even the slightest bit like Screech.
- A Sexy Snowboarder: Yeah right.
And then there was this, which is still awesome:
Thanks to Co-Host for that one
I finally wrapped up Phillip Roth’s The Human Stain last night. I’ve been reading this book for roughly 19 months. I gotta tell you, the first 300 pages are a struggle. Old dudes getting blowzers from younger, illiterate women. Angry french intellectuals. A complete lack of homo-eroticism.
That’s no way to make a compelling book.
Also the New England card was played in this beast. A Storyteller wants to give his story some sense of importance, and have an excuse for characters to drive Volvos and Saabs. So authorman sets his shit in New England. Hackwork. Like other places don’t have colleges and tree-lined streets? Imma lump this in with The Life Before Her Eyes and What Lies Beneath.
I think they also play the New England card so they don’t have to hire black actors (obviously not this story but New England stories in general).
If you want a book the NEEDS to be in New England might I suggest Why The Devil Chose New England For His Work.
None-the-less I know I’m going to dive into more Phillip Roth in a few months.
On to the Shred topics
I’m glad she got something for her pipe slaying at the Old-limp-dicks. But what I can’t believe was the lack of discussion about what version of Torah to put on the stamp. I mean this could have been bigger than the Fat Elvis stamp debacle. Can you imagine Aussies weighing in on Torah with the Old or New smile
On the other hand the whole idea of a stamp for Australia seems a bit odd, especially when you can walk outside and just phone a friend with a crazy contraption that looks like a piece of wood on a string.
Am I right?
Meanwhile I get this email:
Olympic Gold Medalist Shaun White Stars In “Shaun White Project X”
On FUEL TV Thursday, March 4, 2010
Airing Thursday, March 4, at 9:30pm ET/ 6:30pm PT, and re-airing several more times over the next month, FUEL TV will showcase “Insane Cinema: Shaun White Project X.”
2006 Snowboarding Gold Medalist, Shaun White, trained for the 2010 Olympic Games at a secret 500-foot superpipe that Red Bull built for him in the backcountry of Silverton, Colorado. This is the place Shaun refined the skills that allowed him to win the first and third U.S. Snowboarding Grand Prix. This is the place Shaun learned the now infamous Double Cork 1080 and Cab Double Cork 1080, as well as laid the foundation for learning the game-changing Double McTwist 12. This is the place where Shaun worked tirelessly to mold himself into a 2010 Olympic Champion. Join FUEL TV in exploring Shaun’s hideaway superpipe and the incredible story behind it.
“Insane Cinema: Shaun White Project X” Air Dates:
Thursday, 3/4/2010 9:30 PM ET/ 6:30 PM PT
Saturday, 3/6/2010 9:00 PM ET / 6:00 PM PT
Saturday, 3/6/2010 12:00 AM ET / 9:00 PM PT
Shaun White surveys the terrain in Colorado.
Shaun White in the pipe at Silverton.
Shaun White learns one of his Double Cork combinations.
Shaun White hits the foam pit.
Shaun White looks down the pipe.
About FUEL TV
FUEL TV is the action sports lifestyle network for skateboarding, snowboarding, surfing, BMX, freestyle-motocross, and wakeboarding. FUEL TV was launched July 1, 2003 and is seen in 30-million U.S. homes. To subscribe to FUEL TV, call 877-4-FUEL-TV. For program times and other information, visit www.fuel.tv.
For further press and marketing information, contact:
My favorite part is when they tell you what you are going to see. Shit is like a storyboard “next we are going to see Sean looking down the pipe as the camera pans left. He looks pensive.” Basically what they are saying is it’s going to be like every shrad video in the past ten years. But why are they not mentioning the parts where we see:
a bald eagle in flight over a body of water
25 shots of a helicopter flying away
Someone talking about their soul awaking on a mountian top?
Forget that last one. Sean Blanco doesn’t get near mountain tops.
Maybe you all missed it whilst you were at home with one leg up on your couch trying to push your peep up your butt, but the Olympics started. In reality you haven’t missed much. Some toned down luge event. I think Christine Brennan talked to IOC into reducing the track because the lugers were going to fast. So everyone is puttering through that event. Apollo Ono still has his soul patch, and Lindsey Vonn still has a sore leg as well as a crap showing in Sports Illustrated. Bob Costas hasn’t aged in 73 years an I’ve been told he gained eternal youth by eating Dick Clark. It was also reported that one quarter of all the condoms used in the Olympic Village are used by Costas.
But there are some rad events going on too. Curling. So fucking legit. Biathlon. If all skiing was as rad as the biathlon I wouldn’t even shrad. But really the closest I have ever come was getting stoned one night at The Crystal Falcon’s house and playing Duck Hunt while standing on the Nordictrack.
Of course the old halfpike events are coming up. It’s funny because last night my homey the_boss_of_you was claiming on chinese state television the Chinese are winning all the medals. I got a feeling that kind of ”media augmentation” will happen in the USA if Sean Blanco doesn’t win in the tube. But rightfully so, if the kid tosses down the CulebraBlanca he’s going to be tough to beat.
But in the interest of making the Old-Limp-dicks a bit more entertaining I’m tossing up these suggestions from Brother Keith as he embarked on his journey to become the head of the IOC last night.
11 Ways to Make the Winter Olympics More Interesting
- Install a stripper pole at center ice for all figure skating events.
- Give all biathlon athletes snow camo and paintball (or BB) guns and make it a last man standing event.
- All downhill ski racers have to fashion their own skis out of provided lumber and tools in 24 hours.
- The luge will take place on plastic Coleco brand sleds and have jumps made out of hay bales.
- Introduce same sex couples figure skating.
- Ban nude colored spandex from figure skating uniforms.
- Leave hockey just as it is.
- Combine figure skating and curling into one super event where a skater gets tossed and dudes sweep her into a circle target.
- Replace Bob Costas with @iamsalmasakela.
- Incorporate a pow turn / method contest into snowboarding.
- Add a full loop and maybe a corkscrew to the luge.
Also if you couldn’t decide what to get me for Valentine’s day, it’s not too late to grab this from my Celbrity friend
We real cool. we
Left school. We
Blawger-back-end is fixed up and seems to be running at 110% thanks to Lorenius. She got all up in like 20 minutes and then smacked it down like “oh your shit wasn’t rendering and I fixed it up for you, in the meantime I also made you some stickers, knitted a hat, built four new websites and printed your wedding invites. In case you ever decide you’re going to take a wife.”
Meanwhile I got the Mac Mini up and running.
Lurk late. We
Strike straight. We
So I wrote up this piece for Yobeat and I had problems all day with it. You could say I was in funk and couldn’t get the story told properly. Someday I’ll update it and tell it with some pizzazz. Until then maybe MTV could have me MADE into a writer. That would be some shit.
In the meantime, I cannot stop thinking about next year’s shred gear or Claire Bidez’s belly button. But I gotta stay focussed. The first thing I need is a new mountain bike. Preferably an all mountain rig. Kick out any suggestions you might have.
Sing sin. We
Thin gin. We
So while we were all hating on Sean Blanco, this seemed to go undetected by the Guardian Council of Shrad:
The Vito gear is pretty much the worst shit to hit snowboarding since John Kerry. Where’s Todd Richards to tell the young gun what’s rad? Where’s that Nike money rocking out for some designers? Fuck off. Never has Blanco’s deal with Target seems so wise.
Also I suggest getting down with this today:Prince – Kiss (Kid Cut Up Bounce ReMix)